Holidays on the horizon

I find it a little sad that unless it has something to do with trying to conceive, I don't have much to say.  My clinic called last week to follow up with me and see how I'm doing.  The nurse recommended I call soon to book my appointment in January.  The plan is to still do our final FET in February or March. After that, I'm not sure.  My heart wants us to do another round of IVF but my pocketbook cannot withstand another round.     

Right now, I'm trying to balance paying off my IVF and FET cycles off my credit card and line of credit so that I can afford some nice Christmas gifts this year.  Last year Sweets and I put money towards items for the house rather than buying each other gifts.  I would really like to get him something nice this year.  In addition to Christmas shopping, I'm actually going up north to visit my parents for Christmas.  I need some time away for all the stress of TTC and even job action (more some other time).  Sweets was going to join me but then we discovered that his brother's family were going to Disneyland for Christmas.  It wouldn't be appropriate for Sweets to leave his elderly parents alone for Christmas.  So we'll be spending Christmas apart this year.  I'll still have a week's vacation to spend with him when I get home, so it's not that big of a deal.

Things have been going really well for Sweets on the work front. Thank goodness!  In the past 8 weeks, he's had 4 contracts.  A big difference and the work keeps coming.  Before that, he had only one small contract in March.  Not enough to keep up with all the bills so the brunt of the payments fell onto me.  Now, he's got clients approaching him from all over.  It's been a boost to our income plus, and more importantly, it's been a boost to his self esteem. It was tough on him to be out of work for such a long time.  

Going home to my parents will be both relaxing and stressful.  Even though I'm pushing 40, my parents still revert to treating me like a teenager when I go home.  I understand, and I have to make sure that I don't get snippy with them.  On the plus side, I get away from the city, back to small town life where there is truly silence at night.  I love that sound.  There is a certain silence that snow fall brings with it.  Here, snow brings with it chaos but up north, it brings peace. :)  I look forward to seeing my brother as well. When we were young, we were very close.  Over the years, we've become more distant.  I could blame his wife, whom I do not get along with (I've tried - I swear), but it takes the two of us to maintain the relationship and neither of us is willing to put in the work I suppose.

Back to the TTC front - I think this natural cycle has been a bust.  AF is due to arrive this week and I've been having the typical symptoms.  Mild cramps, acne, discharge...  I didn't go to my Zumba classes for fear that exercising too vigorously would impact implantation etc...  Does anyone else forgo exercise during the 2ww?  If you do continue, what do you do?  I'm tired of not exercising.  My treadmill downstairs hasn't seen a lot of action lately because I'm afraid of messing things up.  Suggestions?

Though I'm not actively seeking treatments right now, I often think of my fellow sisters in IF.  Evelyn is currently in her 2ww.  I wish her all the best and hope for a wonderful outcome.  

 

The White Whale

I think I've been in a good head space since my BFN.  I haven't contacted the clinic to make an appointment for January yet.  I better get on that soon.  With them being short an RE, I wonder if that will increase wait times.  While treatments have been the furthest from my mind, getting pregnant is still front and center.  I've been tracking my cycle and monitoring all the bodily aches and fluids that we're supposed to monitor.  Sweets and I are still hopeful that things will work out for us.  


With all the pain and turmoil this process has caused, I'm endeavoring to capture my white whale.  Isn't that a fitting metaphor?  Infertility is our Moby Dick.  Infertility viciously attacks our psyches, destroys our confidence and threatens to rip us apart.  I don't want to be Captain Ahab.  I don't want to obsessed to the point where is destroys who I am.


So, as a result, in an effort to maintain my sanity, I hope you don't mind if I mix my blog up with not only musings on my fertility journey, but also with thoughts on my profession.  I've been really exploring and reflecting on myself as a teacher.  My goal is to make my students into well educated, thoughtful, empathetic individuals.  As a result, I've been changing the way I do things. The way I assess my students; the way I deliver the curriculum.  Or perhaps, I'll just create another blog to think these things over.  I'm not sure.  


The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not going to let that White Whale drag me down to the bottom of the ocean.     

What to do next?

Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next.  Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3  but I'm not ready.  Not ready emotionally, physically or financially.  I want to take a break from infertility.  Just for a little while.  Is that possible?  I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.  


I'm going to take the next few months off.  Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET.  My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.  


Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work.  I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments.  I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner.  I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.


If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET.  Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF.  We simply cannot afford another round at this point.  I've been thinking about IUIs with injections.  Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low.  But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option.  While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF.  Hopefully the RE will agree. 


Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what?  Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption.  With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother.  I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind.  Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents.  That just kills me.  I so want to make them grandparents.  It pains me that they're not.  It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant.  Argh....  Life sucks sometimes.      

So tired...

of all this infertility bullshit.  You think I would be used to another negative beta, but no.  It's as painful as the first.  


Five IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 FETs and 9 embryos later and all I've got is a fat ass.  I don't know how much more my heart can take.  

Keeping myself busy

Last Sunday, I had my second FET.  It was incredibly routine, nothing out of the ordinary.  The RE was wonderful.  Before this transfer, I hadn't met her in my year at the clinic.  At the day 14 ultrasound, she remarked that I had a beautiful uterus and that my follicles looked good - that I had 6.  I guess that's pretty good?  I don't know.  On the day of the transfer, she was so incredibly thorough when doing the transfer that it took longer than previous ones.  Nothing wrong with being meticulous when you have such precious cargo.  

 As I was being wheeled into the recovery room to relax, the embryologist said, "You're lucky that you had Dr. W.  She's an excellent surgeon."  So here's hoping that Dr. W had the magic touch and one of my 3 little guys has implanted.  

Though everything seemed okay, I was a little concerned that there was some cell loss with two of the embryos.  All three were 3 day 8 cell embryos - 1 was grade 1 and 2 were grade 2.  After thawing, one was still perfect, but the other two experienced loss.  One went from 8 cells to 4 and the other to 2.  The embryologist indicated that they were recovering though so hopefully they continued to split and grow. 

I've been keeping myself pretty busy in the meantime.  In the past I would have taken a couple days off after the transfer to relax but while my body would have been relaxing, my mind would have been stressing out about what was going on at school.  So I made the decision to just relax the day of the transfer and then go back to work.  I think that was the best decision I made. Other than changing patches and putting prometrium up my who ha, I honestly haven't been thinking too much about it.  I'm just trying to go about my day as if nothing had happened.  

Actually it's been so off my mind that there were two mishaps.  The night of the transfer was quite cold.  I turned on the heating pad and put it on my feet.  Sometime, in the middle of the night, I had pulled the heating pad on my torso.  When I woke up I had a mild freak out thinking that I had cooked my embryos.  I didn't feel overheated so I'm crossing my fingers.  Further, the other night I was watching a tv program when it hit me that I hadn't changed my patches that day.  Argh!  I zoomed up the stairs and quickly replaced my patches.  Not much I can do now about it, so I'm trying not to stress.

My beta is on Halloween.  Here's hoping I get a nice treat that day and not another soul deadening trick.     

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It's so easy to focus and fixate on all the things that we don't have in our lives that we often forget about all the wonderful things surrounding us.  Today I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.

I am thankful for my incredibly thoughtful, loving and supportive husband.  Though we've only been married for seven years, we've been together for almost twenty.  We've grown up together.  And rather than growing apart as we age, we've grown closer than ever.  He's my rock and my light.  I love you Sweets.

I am thankful for my amazing parents.  Really, I have no words to express my gratitude and love for them.  They've been there for me every step of the way.  Whether it was helping me through university, providing me with a room over my head, or comforting me when, once again, my body betrayed me, they have offered me unconditional love and support.  I love you Aiti and Isi.  

I am thankful for my friends.  Whether I need a laugh or a shoulder, I know that I can count on them.   I love you I, J, and S. 

I am thankful for my kitties, my substitute babies.  Not a day goes by without laughter or cuddles.  My boys provide me with an outlet for my need to be a mother.  I love you pudsters.

I am thankful for my job.  I love teaching.  I love working with teenagers.  I love helping them find their path.  Actually, it's not a job; it's a calling.  To hear students say that they look forward to my class all day makes my heart sing.  I love to teach.

I am thankful for my home.  To have a place of our own is just a dream come true.  I love my home. 

I have many things to be thankful for.  It's time to take off my IF blinders and appreciate all that I do have.   I love my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  

Well..that was uncomfortable

Like any good infertile, I googled the crap out of endometrial biopsy.  The reactions to the procedure varied from "that was uncomfortable" to "Oh mother of God this hurts".  As you can imagine, my mind immediately went to the "this is going to hurt like a mo'fo" side of things.  Driving in today, I was terrified.  Sweets is in pre-production on a project and could join me so I was on my own today.  

The clinic was hopping.  There were a ton of people there.  Apparently they've just opened up the clinic to a new program "Pelvic Pain" so I assume a number of the people there were not for fertility treatments but rather pain management or relief.  I had a bit of a wait so the new demographic in the clinic allowed for some interesting people watching. 

Dr. C and I chatted for a bit.  I asked him a few more questions regarding more blood work (immunology) as well as the biopsy.  He didn't feel that immunity was our issue.  And while there is no conclusive evidence that biopsies lead to better implantation numbers, he would perform the procedure because I asked.  Further, he feels that within the next two attempts, I will get pregnant.  He was confident in fact.  I wish I was as confident as him!

The procedure was super quick but quite uncomfortable.  He scraped my uterus 5 times.  It was if someone took a window scraper and used it to remove the frost inside me.  Ugh... With the first application of the instrument, my uterus cramped up and I immediately started perspiring.  Thankfully it only lasted a few minutes.  If it continued much longer, I think I would have been incredibly vocal about my pain.  As soon as the procedure was over, the cramps subsided.  While I'm still experiencing some cramping right now, it's incredibly mild. 

Dr. C is starting up his own private clinic.  Tomorrow is his last day.  He encouraged me to remain at my current clinic for my FETs; however, if they are not successful, he stated that if I wanted to move to his clinic, no referral would be necessary.  Though I haven't been successful with him, I do trust him.  Granted, he's incredibly cerebral, a little awkward and goofy, he has an excellent reputation in the IF community.  I feel quite comfortable at my clinic, but I think that if we have to do IVF #3, we'll be moving to Dr. C's new clinic. 


I had to wait a while for my nurse's appointment regarding the FET protocol.  It's the same protocol as before so nothing to report there.  

The highlight of my visit today?  My clinic mom Ra.vi was there today. :)  She's awesome.  As soon as she saw me, she gave me one of those million dollar smiles and asked how I was doing.  Since there was a backlog of patients today, I had to wait a while to see the nurse.  During my wait, Ra.vi offered me some of her homemade curry and naan.  Delicious!  Love Indian food.  On my way out, Ra.vi was going on her break.  We rode down on the elevator today and she gave me a huge hug before exiting.  
She made my day. :)   

So the story goes....

I had my WTF appointment today.  Unfortunately I had to miss one of my favourite lesson plans on Stalin and the Purges today because I couldn't get a later appointment.  Argh...I hate planning for a TOC (Teacher on Call).  It's always double the work to plan for someone else.

Dr. C was rather prompt which was unusual.  He typically runs about 15 mins late.  We went over my latest failure.  I know that fertility isn't an exact science, but it's a little frustrating when your RE looks at your charts and doesn't know why you're not getting pregnant.  My follicles developed at a uniform rate which is what they want.  Of the 12 retrieved, 10 fertilized.  All but 1 of our 10 eggs were 8 cells on day 3.  The majority were either grade 1 or 2 with only one grade 4. Even Sweets's count was the highest it's ever been.  When we first started down this path a year ago, his samples were in the 1 to 5 million range.  We kept telling ourselves, "It takes only one."  This time his sample was at 48 million.  Huge difference!  Morphology appears to be the main issue now with his numbers being "borderline" as my RE put it.  This cycle, for the most part, was an excellent cycle.  The only problem was that it wasn't successful.  And my RE doesn't know why.  I suppose we can now be moved from the "Male Factor" category to the "Unexplained" category. 

He seemed a bit rushed today, so I had to slow him down so that he could answer my questions.  The main thing I wanted to know was whether an endometrial biopsy would be beneficial.  He stated that there is no conclusive evidence that it's beneficial as there have been only limited studies done on this.  However, if I wanted to get one done, he would do it.  That was easy.  So on Thursday I'm going in (missing another freaking day of work!) to get my uterus scraped.  I'm sure it's as painful as it sounds.  With all the torture I've put my body through, I hope to God that my baby when he/she is older appreciates the havoc my body has endured!

      

F.M.L.

Welcome to my mish-mash post.  

After about a week of OPKs, I have concluded that I ovulated early this cycle.  About 5 days early.  Frick and frack!  That freaking ship has sailed this month.  On top of that, Sweets was away on business when I think I ovulated.  So unless I'm a candidate for immaculate conception, there is no BFP coming this month. 

To add insult to freaking injury, I had to drop a huge wad of cash today for some dental work.  I'm a clencher.  At night, I clench my teeth and my back molars are almost ground down to the gums.  So attractive, I know.  Today I spent 2.5 hours in the dentist's chair preparing my teeth for new crowns.  To be honest, my mother took pity on me and gifted me the money.  She knows how expensive our fertility treatments are so she wanted to help lift some of the burden.  I'm back in two weeks to get the permanent crowns put in. Good times.  

On the work front, I've got this new kid in my History 12 class.  He joined us after the uber lesson I mentioned earlier.  He's an interesting kid but some issues have been coming up.  For instance, during our current events discussion he thought it would be appropriate to make an anti-Semitic joke.  Seriously?  He looked at me and said, "Hey, you're smiling."  My response?  "No.  This is the look of disdain and contempt."  Redundant I know but I wanted to get my point across.  Yesterday he mentioned that he couldn't wait to turn 18 so that he could go to a strip club.  Huh?  Since when do strip clubs let 18 year olds in?  Well apparently there's one club that only serves non-alcoholic beverages!  Then today, after he and another new student (both transfers from the same school) tried chatting up my student teacher - a cute as a button 26 year old - he challenged his friend by saying, "I'll give you $20 if you tap that."  WTF is wrong with this kid?  So he's anti-Semitic and sexist.  What's next?  Is he going to call someone a "f.ag" or a "dy.ke"?  Maybe push the kids in wheelchairs down some stairs?  In what reality does he think that this behaviour is okay?  Definitely not in my classroom!  So tomorrow I'm going to have to have a "chat" with him about his comments and make it clear that there is a difference between what is appropriate for school discussion and what needs to be kept to himself.  He can think whatever he wants but he cannot spew that bigoted and sexist crap in my class.  Ugh.  As I've mentioned before, I love teaching.  I just hate dealing with some of the shit that comes along with it.           

Oh. Come on!

I know that IVF messes with your cycle.  I know this, but man am I frustrated/worried/concerned that I haven't had my LH surge yet.  Since CD 11, I've been using clear.blue to monitor my ovulation and have been testing.  There's been a faint second line since that first day, but it appears to be fading.  WTF?  Fading?  Did I ovulate super early?  I did experience increased CM about 3 days ago but that's reduced now.  Am I not going to ovulate at all?  Tomorrow is CD 16 and it's my last testing strip.  Just ovulate already! 

On Friday we had our staff "welcome back" party at a colleague's house.  About a month ago, one our colleagues married.  With marriage inevitably comes the question, "When are you going to have babies?"  I think she handled it well.  Others were joking, "Oh you'll be pregnant in a year."  And she said, "Only if it's a surprise."  Another lady popped up and said, "Aren't all babies a surprise?"  The majority of the women started to agree and I felt compelled to say something.  "No not really.  Not all babies are surprises."  Some of my close friends at work know what we're dealing with but this lady is the wife of a colleague so she has no clue about my fertility struggles.  For some reason she felt the need to repeat, "All babies are surprises."  And once again I said, "No.  Not all babies are surprises.  Some are incredibly planned."  Thankfully the topic shifted to something else after that.  I truly hope my friend doesn't have any issues conceiving when she finally makes the decision to do so.  Infertility is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.    

Today was a good day

I have nothing to report on the infertility/baby quest front.  Just waiting to ovulate so Sweets and I can do the deed.  That sounds dirty doesn't it?  Can you really call sex with a purpose (baby) making love?  Like every other woman suffering from IF, the idea of getting pregnant naturally would be like finding the Holy Grail.  Wholly desired but unfathomable.  Anyway, I'm counting down the days to my appointment.  I hope Dr. C is able to provide us with some answers and give us some direction as to where to go next. 

It's only been a week and a half of school and I am loving my History 12 class.  Today we had a great day.  It was a lesson on ideologies and political parties - communism, fascism, socialism etc...  I had the students get into groups and they wrote "I am" poems.  They personified the ideology.  Every year, I look forward to this lesson because I always enjoy the poems produced.  Wow. I was not disappointed.  Today the poems the students produced today were just outstanding.  The vocabulary, the insight, and imagination were amazing.  A few of the students even "performed" their poems as if they were performing spoken word.  I think the most ironic reading came from an African Canadian student who read out his group's Nazism poem yet sounded like a Baptist preacher on a Sunday.  It was a perfect lesson.  The students worked well together, learned the material and had some fun.  On top of the super, awesome A+++ History class today, after my English class the SEA (special education assistant) took me aside and said, "I don't know if I'll be here after tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that I think you're an incredible teacher."  With all the teacher bashing I've been reading lately in the education blogs, it feels good to have a lesson go perfectly and to hear from someone, who I've only worked with for 3 days say that I'm doing a great job.  All in all, it turned out to be a super duper day.  :)  

I don't have everything I want in life, but darn it, I love my job and I guess I'm pretty good at it.  For that I am thankful.           

Reboot

I've surprised myself.  I've bounced back from this failure much better than last time. Perhaps it's because I didn't allow myself to "go there" completely.  Unlike the first time where I started naming babies and visualizing myself talking to my progeny, this time I tried not to think about it.  I didn't come up with a decorating scheme for the nursery or consider buying baby clothes at all.  Don't get me wrong, the BFN hurt like a mo fo' but I think I was better prepared for it this time.  I just hope this is the last time I have to deal with disappointment.  I don't know how many times I can rebuild or guard myself before I completely lose myself. 

My WTF appointment is on the 26th.  I emailed my RE to let him know that it failed and wanted to know if I was going to be doing my FET at the new or old clinic.  He replied quite promptly and informed me to continue at the old clinic for now.  Sweets was supposed to come with me but the day after I made the appointment, he was given a work contract.  If you've been following my blog at all you'll know that Sweets has had a tough year for work.  This is the first contract since May.  As a result, I'm more than willing to go to the appointment alone.  

The first week of school went well.  This semester I'm teaching English 10, Social Studies 11 and History 12.  In the Socials and History class, I know the majority of the students so there's this comfort and sense of familiarity already.  That can be both positive and negative.  Positive in the sense that we know each other, and negative because we know each other.  Thankfully I have a lot of wonderful kids to work with this year.  

Friday ended on an exciting note with the minor earth.quake.  We all know that the lower mainland is prone to earth.quakes and we've all been told to expect the big.one. one day.  I was just in the middle of a lesson on nationalism when one of my students said, "Do you feel that?"  When I stopped walking, I was overcome with a sense of dizzy and nausea.  My body swayed back and forth.  It wasn't violent but just enough to make everyone in the class feel woozy and a little scared.  Once it registered in my mind that it was an earth.quake, I told them to get under their desks and I went to call the office.  The office staff felt nothing.  They thought I was joking.  With my students still freaking out, I went next door to my colleagues room, she felt nothing but a couple of her students felt it.  It appeared that only pockets of the school felt the tremors.  Later on I found that the earth.quake was the same intensity as the recent one in New Zealand.  Thankfully it was far below the surface and just off the into the ocean.  Though my lesson plan was shot and the students were a little frightened, I think the most positive thing that came out of this is that when we do our drills in the future, my students will take it more seriously.

There's a lot of time between now and my WTF appointment.  For now, I'll just enjoy the late summer heat, get to know my students better, and hope that by Christmas I'll be pregnant. 
 

Sadness to Anger

I'm still reeling from AF's arrival yesterday.  But I think the sadness has moved to anger.  Why the fuck didn't 3 perfect embryos implant?  I'm going to call the clinic tomorrow and try to get into to see my RE as soon as possible.  We've now transferred 6 embryos and none of them have taken.  Why not?  I am going to ask for further testing to be done to see if there is something in my uterus that is hostile to the embryos or what.  I wonder how long all this testing will take.  We all know that time is not on my side.  

This fucking sucks!    Part of me is so, so sad but the other part is angry.  Furious  This just isn't fair.  At this rate, my niece will be pregnant before I am! I'm just sick of all this IF crap.

I'm sure many of you play little head games with yourself.  My period was incredibly spotty yesterday and most of the discharge was that lovely dark brown colour.  I tried to reason with myself that it could just be spotting and meant nothing.  That if it slows down and dissipates tomorrow, then there's still a chance.  But then the cramps came.  Those gut wrenching cramps that could mean nothing else than AF signalling that she's coming in for a forced landing.  Today it's full steam ahead.  I know that it seems ridiculous, but I'm still using my Crinone, and I'll be going in tomorrow to get my Beta done.  I know that it will once again come back as zero but I am a stickler for rules and protocol.   And like I said before, mind games.

To add insult to injury, yesterday our neighbours had a BBQ with friends.  Wouldn't you know, their guests had an adorable baby with them.  So there I was, stuck in my sadness and self-pity, and all I can hear is a little baby next door.  Cruel.      

You know, I just want to be a mommy.  And I really want to give my parents grandchildren.  Over the years, I witnessed my parents interact with other people's grandchildren.  They LOVE kids.  My dad especially.  He loves to play with kids.  His face just lights up when there is a baby or a toddler around.  Freaking LIGHTS UP.  I want to give that to them.  Ironically, my brother and his wife have chosen to not have children.  My SIL and I are almost the same age; she's 5 days older.  But I bet you if they started trying today, they would be pregnant before me.  I've always wanted children and I can't.  Arghh!!!  Not fair. 

That's the way the cookie crumbles

My period has arrived.   Right on schedule.

Last night I had some mild cramping.  The cramps continued today.  About a half an hour ago, I went to the washroom and noticed some light red blood. 

IVF 2.0 is over. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?  Three perfect embryos are placed inside and I still can't get pregnant.  We'll definitely be pushing some more testing with my RE - blood test, uterine biopsy, whatever is necessary to find out why the embryos aren't implanting. 

Honestly, I don't know if I want to keep putting myself through this emotional roller coaster.  We have the 5 CD3 embryos frozen.  If they don't take, I think we're done.  Sweets wants to keep going until we're pregnant but I can't go through this heartbreak over and over again.  Plus, our bank account can't take it. 

With it being the long weekend, the lab is closed tomorrow.  Sweets doesn't think I should go get the beta - cruel and unusual punishment.  But I need to do it.  Just for closure.  

Yes, I envy her.

This morning there was an interesting documentary on HBO called "12th & Delaware".  In a nutshell, the documentary was about the abortion debate in the United States.  Please note, I'm not debating abortion.  Not opening up a can of worms here.  I'm simply commenting about something I saw in the film.

In one portion of the film, there was a woman speaking. Her face was blocked out to protect her anonymity.  In the scene, she spoke with one of the nurses at the clinic.  Frightened and in shock, her voice quivered as she explained that she just discovered she's pregnant.  It is unexpected.  Now, I'm sure you're visualizing a young 20-something woman aren't you?  Someone who may have been "caught up in the moment" with her boyfriend and didn't use a condom.  Someone who didn't take her birth control pills properly.   

No. 

She's forty-seven years old and this is an unwanted pregnancy.  Forty-seven and she's pregnant. Naturally.  I'm sure she assumed that she couldn't get pregnant anymore.  Yet there she is.  

Three years short of her 50th birthday and she's pregnant.  

Naturally.
No IUIs.  
No hormone injections.  
No daily visits with the vagcam.  
No retrievals nor transfers. 
No suppositories.
No BFN.
Naturally.  

And I was jealous.  

How sad is that?      

Oh my aching head.

I have a headache.  This is not a good sign.  Typically just days before I get my period, I get a headache on the right side of my head.  Just before dinner tonight, I felt it coming on and I knew.  This cycle is over.  

I went back to my classroom this morning to start my back to school prep. Funny, I'm so looking forward to school starting as it takes my mind off of IF, 2ww, AF everything. I love teaching. I love what I do. My principal shared some wonderful news with me today. A student I taught at summer school in July decided to enroll at our school because she so enjoyed being in my classroom. Wow. She left what's considered to be one of the best schools in the district and transferred to our inner city "have not" school because of me. She's a great kid, a talented writer, and had a bad experience with her English 10 teacher. At the end of summer school, she came to me in private and said, "Thank you for showing me that there are good teachers who care." 

Perhaps I may never have children. Perhaps the closest I'll ever be to being a mom is being a student's "School Mom". I'm sorry for being a Debbie Downer right now. In our province, we're right in the middle of contract negotiations and I've been reading all the anti-teacher comments and they break my heart. I really wish the commenters knew how much I care for their kids.  Strangers really when you think about it.  I don't have kids, so I throw all of myself into the best teacher possible.

Oh F*ck

I've been experiencing very strong menstrual-like cramps this morning.  Not the twinges and mild cramping of the past week.  Full on period cramps.  My period is due on Sunday.  Beta is supposed to be next Wednesday.  

Fuck. 

I think this cycle is a bust.  

Again. 

5dp3dt

I know I'm not alone in saying that the two week wait sucks.  It's not even half way through the wait and I feel like I'm going a little mental.  Thankfully this week is going to be a little busy so I can take my mind of things and step away from Dr. Google.  

On Saturday I had a wonderful time hanging out with some of my high school girlfriends.  My friend Kelly recently returned to Canada after living in the USA for 10 years.  She wanted to celebrate her return so she hosted a great little party.  Since it was a topic of conversation the last time we got together, I was a little worried that the whole topic of TTC was going to come up again.  The last time I saw everyone together like this was about a month before my first IVF cycle.  We had a lot of laughs, played a little Wii, and enjoyed some amazing food.  It was exactly what I needed.  

Also on Saturday, I was supposed to call the embryologist to find out about the remaining two embryos that they were culturing.  Just I picked up the phone to call the number, I noticed a little note indicating that if my date to call landed on a Saturday, I would need to call on Monday to find out.  Bummer.  After a morning spent clock watching, I called the embryologist's lab today to find out the news.  As expected, the two they were culturing did not make it.  I suspect they were the two poorer quality embryos and the 5 that were frozen on Day 3 were among the best.  Of course it's disappointing but I'm still comforted by the fact that we have 5 waiting, just in case.  

As for symptom watch, there's really nothing much to report.  My cramping comes and goes.  It definitely feels like my period but from what I've read, there are similarities between menstrual cramps and early pregnancy cramps.  According to a implantation chart I found, yesterday, the embryo(s) would have started the task of burrowing into the lining.  Do people feel it implanting?  Is it a cramp?  Is it a twinge?  Also, I've read that with the progesterone, the cramping could be a result of the uterus preparing for implantation.  In the end, I have no clue.  It's a little disconcerting.  Yesterday, the breast soreness started.  I'm sure that's courtesy of the progesterone as well.  Other than the sore breasts and the cramps, I have no other symptoms.  I've never been pregnant so I have no clue what pregnancy feels like.

Zeus admiring the garden at sunset

Sadly, I'm well versed in what not being pregnant feels like.

On a different note, they're demolishing the beautiful old home behind our townhouse to put up a new townhouse complex.  I suppose it's somewhat hypocritical of me to be annoyed by this, but sadly we'll no longer have this beautiful view of the mountains and the sunset.      

Is it too early to freak out?

Now, I've been trying to be so relaxed.  These past two days, Sweets has literally be catering to my every need.  I haven't had to lift a finger.  While it seems great, I kind of hate it.  I want to go out into my garden, vacuum my home, do some laundry, play with my cats....all the things normal people do.  He did remind me today that I beat myself up during my FET cycle when I helped to move the love seat. So, okay, I'll be a couch potato for a couple of days.  You would think that I should be the picture of serenity, but I'm not.  


Today, I've been cramping.  They feel an awful lot like menstrual cramps.  Lower abdominal just above the pubic bone.  Needless to say, I'm kind of freaking out.  I typically get these same cramps in the same location a week before my period starts.  If this cycle is a bust, it's due on Sept 3rd.  According to IVF.ca's Due Date calculator  implantation would start on Sunday and end on the 1st of Sept, just before my period is due.  If my uterus is cramping, won't it make it impossible for the embryo(s) to implant?  Argh!!!!

Am I being overly pessimistic?  Probably, but I've become so accustomed to disappointment that in some way, I don't expect my super eggs to make it.  


My good friend Kelly says that I need to visualize a baby in my belly and one in my arms.  She's a firm believer in "The Secret."  Nothing else has worked thus far so perhaps I'll just have to give it a try.      

Consider me PUPO

The Vancouver housing market is insane.  A report that came out yesterday posited "Vancouver residents could expect to spend 92.5% of their pre-tax income on home ownership costs, including mortgage payments, utilities and property taxes."  In-freaking-sane.  That's why Sweets and I bought a townhouse in the 'burbs.  Granted, a townhouse in the 'burbs is the price of a home in Calgary.  Ugh....  

Where is this going?  Well, while housing costs are lower "across the bridge", when it comes to commuting, we suburbanites are slaves to traffic.  Our clinic is a good 40-50 mins away, almost in the heart of Vancouver.  This morning, three out of the 4 routes into the city had major accidents on them.  Not good.  Sweets is a slow mover in the morning but when he heard that we had to take the dreaded Port Mann into the city, he started moving double time.  Fortunately, while the traffic was not the best, I've seen it worse.  We actually got to the clinic only 3 minutes late.   Three minutes.  Wow.  I was expecting about 15-20 minutes late.  

After changing into my gown, the embryologist escorted us into the treatment room and got me seated on the table.  "You've got some very good embryos."  What?  Good embryos?  Us?  Is she mistaken?  She showed me the patient information sheet and said,  "Yes, you are transferring 3 8 cell embryos.  They are grade 1.  Very good."  She went on to explain, "We froze 5 of the embryos and are culturing 2 more to blastocyst stage.  They are good embryos too."  The remaining embryos are mainly grades 1 and 2.  There is one grade 4.  Sweets and I were both gobsmacked.  Wow!  What a difference a couple of months makes.

  Dr. A., who did the retrieval, performed the transfer as well.  I researched her a little online.  Apparently, she's the one of the best in Canada in the field of endometriosis and one of the early adopters in Canada of advanced laparoscopic surgical techniques  No wonder my retrieval went so well. 

As usual, Sweets has been awesome. He has insisted on me stretching out in the car on the way home.  When we got home, he asked "Do you need some help out of the car?"  LOL   What a sweetheart.

Now here I am.  Relaxing on the couch with my kitties, hoping and praying that one of those little guys takes.  

This is gonna be a long two weeks.  

"Good Job"

Even though it's a sad day in Canada, I can't help but feel a little jubilant.  The embryologist called this morning to report that of the 12 eggs, 10 fertilized.  In a genial voice, the embryologist said over the phone, "Good job."  I'm as pleased as punch.  Though I have fewer eggs, the percentage that fertilized this time is better than last.  For my first cycle, there were 14 eggs and 11 fertilized.  All I can do is I hope that they continue to grow and divide.  I call the clinic tomorrow to find out my transfer time.

As I indicated earlier, it is a sad day in Canada.  Jack Layton, Leader of the Official Opposition in government, passed away today of cancer.  Approximately a year ago, Layton won his first battle with prostate cancer.  And it was only last month when a tired and gaunt Layton held a press conference stating that he would be appointing an interim leader of the New Democratic Party so that he could battle with cancer again.  His health deteriorated so quickly.  This final battle with cancer only lasted a month.

His last words to the Canadian public are a source of inspiration to all.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.

And we'll change the world. 

He was a champion of social justice and will always be remembered for his love and passion for Canada.  

Good job Jack Layton.  Rest in peace.   

An even dozen

Does anyone get any sleep the night before their retrieval?  I honestly tried.  I went to bed early.  I read my book, The Magicians  by Lev Grossman (highly recommend it if you're a Potter fan).  Once it was lights out, all I did was toss and turn.  Granted, it was one of the warmest evenings we've had all summer (if you can really call it summer) so that didn't help.  Just before the alarm went off, my eyes were wide open in the haziness of the morning light.  Sweets slept a little bit last night but being the night owl that he is, he probably averaged about 3 hours of sleep.  


The drive in was perfect.  Very little traffic and we actually found a non-paying parking spot just a short walk from the clinic doors.

Things were different this time than last time..  When nurse Betty put in the IV, it didn't hurt like it did last time.  The retrieval itself seemed quicker and less painful.  Nurse Betty even remarked that they has used less medication on me to numb the pain.  Dr A. was awesome.  When she was leaving, Sweets and I both thanked her and remarked how quick it seemed.  She smiled and stated, "That's the way I do things.  If someone was poking me around down there, I would want them as quick and efficient as possible."  In the end, we extracted 12 eggs.  Only two less from the 14 we had last time.  Sweets and I are both pleased with that number.  I hope that the slower growth rate and the extra day of stimulation equates better egg quality.  


Though everything else seemed easier this time round, the only drawback is that I feel like my cramping is worse.  And while the heating pad has truly been my friend, it's so freaking warm and muggy today that I have to use my A/C as well.  So just imagine this, I'm hot and uncomfortable due to the weather, have to use my heating pad because I'm uncomfortable and have my air conditioning on full blast since I'm so warm. Ugh....  Now, for those of you who have done this a couple of times, should I still be cramping tomorrow?  Or should the worst of it be done by then.  For the life of me, I can't recall how long I had to endure these cramps last time.   


As most of you know, tomorrow is a big day.  We receive our fertilization report.  Last time, we had 100% fertilization with only IVF.  I hope we receive similar news.  

Now, back to my book.         

Engage!

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that I've been a little concerned about the differences between my first ivf and this current one.  My response has been different while the medications have been the same.  I guess soon enough, I'll know if this cycle is completely different in that it has a happy ending. 

As anticipated, I've been given the go for the HCG shot tonight.  From what I recall, I had about 9 follicles on the left and about 6 on the right.  Four of them are between 18-20mm.  According to Dr. A, the clinic guideline is to have at least 3.  My E2 levels came back at 9674 (or 2636 US).  Once again, I had a fellow preforming my u/s.  I think this must have been her first day in the clinic.  I overheard her asking my favourite nurse, Rav, if the weather was like this in Vancouver in the fall.  She wasn't the most gentle when it came to doing the u/s.  As you can imagine, I'm bloated and tender and having a wand poking around down there isn't most comfortable feeling.  On top of that, since she's not accustomed to doing these, she was a little slower than the regular Doctors.  I wasn't quite sure what a "fellow" is, so I asked Rav about it.  A fellow is a doctor who has already found a specialty but wants to have a more narrowed focus.  In this case, the fellows have specialized in obstetrics and gynecology which is five years of education and now they study and additional two years.  Good to know.   
 Well, at 9pm tonight, I give myself the Ovridel shot.  Bright and early on Sunday I'm at the clinic ready for extraction.  Last time, Sweets didn't get any sleep the night before.  I think he was super nervous.  Perhaps I'll pick up some nytol for him so that he can get a good night's rest on Saturday.  

I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  And, I'm cautious.  

Up. Up. Up.

Cycle day 9.  

A quick visit to the clinic proved to be fruitful.  Both my left and right ovaries have approximately 5 decent sized follicles and 4-5 follicles 9mm or under each.  The largest follicle is on the right sized at 17mm.  I think the grand total is about 10 substantial follicles and 10 wee ones.  For the most part, the follicles on my left ovary are quite uniform - 4 are 14mm in size.  My E2 has gone up nicely as well - around 5200.  I have two more days of injections (200 today; 150 tomorrow) and then another visit to the clinic on Friday.  I have a feeling that I'll be triggering on Friday night with my ER on Sunday.

I've been stressing out about this cycle, thinking I'm not progressing well.  Thanks to the many reassurances from the doctors and forums members on IVF.CA and Fertile Thoughts
Things are going well.  As they've stated over and over, it's quality not quantity.  Last time I had a lot of follicles but not necessarily the best quality eggs.   
 
That's about it on the fertility front.   Nothing else to report.  

View of West Vancouver from Prospect Point in Stanley Park

    

Wake up!

Yesterday we had a lovely evening with our in-laws.  It was my niece's 17th birthday so the family just got together for cake and coffee.  When she was born, my husband's brother, Lucky, would often pressure us about having kids.  Our retort?  "By the time we have kids, Alex will be able to babysit them."  Little did we know how true those words would prove to be.  

Today was another early wake up for a drive into the city.  If I hit the road by 7:10am at the latest, the traffic is fine.  Just a few minutes off and it turns ugly.  Today I left at 7:12am and could sense that I was on the cusp of a very nasty early commute.  Thankfully, I was able to manoeuvre myself through the traffic and to my destination without too much difficulty.  Since my last ultrasound did not demonstrate the follicle cornucopia that I had hoped for, I was rather anxious about my results this morning.  After all, they put me on a "high responder protocol" yet, I am not responding as well as I had last cycle.  I love the u/s nurse - Rav.  She is just a dear.  Every morning, no matter what, she always greats me with a huge smile of her face.  She just oozes this warm maternal quality.  I expected Dr. R to do the u/s, as he was in the clinic and actually set up the machine, and was surprised when Dr. A walked in.  From my understanding, he is a new doctor on the unit.  Since my clinic is in a teaching hospital, I wonder if he's doing an RE rotation or something.  Who knows?  He was nice and quite thorough in his examination.  

Finally it appears that the right side has finally woken up a little bit and decided to join the Puregon party.  Though most of my follicles are still 10mm or under, they are growing.  I have 6 on my left and 7 on my right.  As I mentioned previously, on my CD 5 last time, I had 25.  By the end of the whole cycle, there were 22 follicles and they extracted 14 eggs.  How many eggs will they find with only 13 follicles?  This huge difference in response is disconcerting to me.  Dr. R entered the room once the u/s was finished and I asked him whether I should be concerned or not.  After looking over my follicle progress, he stated that was not concerned and reassured me that there are follicles there and they are growing.  That's the positive news.  

So, now I just have to wait and see if I have to alter my medication in any way.  Dr. R. did intimate that I may have to increase my dosage.   

Worrywart

Please take a moment and send some positive prayers/energy/thoughts/wishes to Shannon of Chasing Rainbows and her little bug Finn. 

Have you ever had one of those days when the alarm goes off and you think it's all a dream?  That was me this morning.  The alarm seemed so unfamiliar to me.  A rude interruption to a sweet sleep.  Waking up was a bit of a chore.  Groggy and half asleep, I rolled out of bed and trudged into the bathroom to get prepared for my jaunt into the city and my date with a needle and the vag-cam.  

Today was my CD 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Because it's a Saturday, the drive in was traffic free and the hospital was incredibly quiet.  It's a rare occurrence for me to find a spot on the road allowing me to avoid the parking fees.  

I am a little concerned.  While I understand that each cycle is unique and that I shouldn't compare my last cycle to this one, I can't help but doing so.  To begin with, my E2 levels are a touch higher than last time - 1512 vs. 1539.  Further, my follicle count is a lot lower.  Last time at this point I had 25 follicles.  This time I have only 9.  Should I be worried?  I don't know but I am quite concerned.  The protocol is exactly the same - same drugs, same dose.  Logically I know that things won't be precisely the same but why is my body reacting so differently?  Both the doctor and the nurse stated that "it's still early."  Though I know that it was meant to ease my anxiety, all it did was ramp it up a notch.

With my E2 levels above 1000, I start my Orgalutran shots today.  While at the clinic, I asked them if I should go and pick up the prescription now in order to avoid having to drive back into the city again - about a 40-45 min drive depending on traffic.  At that point, they told me to hold off as the blood work would dictate the next step.  Annoyed, concerned, and frustrated, here I am having to drive back into Vancouver to get my shots.  I should have followed my instincts and just gone to the pharmacy.

On the plus side, when I drive into the city, this is what I get to see.  :) 

The beauty of Vancouver.  Photo taken from the Aquabus to Granville Island.

   

A tourist in my own city

For the past week, my friends L and S visited with us from Atlanta.  They are a blast.  As a result of a pen pal exchange program, L and I started writing each other when we were 14 or 15.  We met his partner S about 6 years ago while we were vacationing in London.  This week has been good for me.  Sweets and I have been laughing non-stop.  S is a hoot.  He is truly hilarious.  And even though I started injections on Tuesday, I haven't really thought of this cycle too much.  Yes, I've felt twinges in the ovaries but unlike last time, I haven't been consumed by thoughts of injections and babies.

When I arrived at my appointment on Tuesday, I was a little upset that I had the new nurse.  By new, I mean that she's been there for about a year so she's still a little inexperienced.  Nurse Vickie was uber flaky.  She kept forgetting things like picking up my blood work results and the injection kit.  She just seemed frazzled.  Needless to say, I didn't feel like I was in the best hands.  At this session, I discovered that I'm identified as a "high responder".  Really, that means nothing at all.  I may get a lot of eggs but I can't get pregnant.   Nurse Vickie indicated that I would be taking a new medication but rather than Menopur as previously indicated, I was going to be on Bravelle.  The idea of mixing the medications and injecting myself up to 3x a day was not appealing but like everyone else, I was willing to do it.    When the training was done, I asked her about my left over Puregon and what I should do with it.  Thankfully, my doctor was just next door so she popped in to ask him.  He seemed to feel that there was no reason why I couldn't just continue with the Puregon.  If LH is needed, it can be added in later.  

Tomorrow I go in for my day 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Here's hoping that everything is growing on schedule.       

 

IVF 2.0 CD1

My lovely Aunt Flo arrived yesterday.  She started off as a trickle, so my first inclination was that this was the calm before the storm. Yet today it's trickled off.  I recall a similar thing happening the last time I was on BCPs.  With that said, I called the clinic this morning and declared yesterday as CD1.  The nurse I spoke with asked me to go to my local lab to get a blood test today and then tomorrow I have an appointment with the nurse to get my prescription and be retrained for my injections.  I was under the assumption that I was going to be on the exact same protocol but she informed me that instead of Puregon, I'll be on Menopur instead.  I do recall that my RE wanted me to incorporate LH into my injections.  Unfortunately I have a box of Puregon in my fridge and now I won't be able to use it.  I'll double check tomorrow if I'm truly on a different protocol, but if so, it looks like I have a box of Puregon (follistim) for sale. Anyone interested?

On another note, my friends from Atlanta are here.  We are having a blast.  It's just been 4 days of laughter.  Laughter must be good for my health right now.  Though we've been running around a lot, seeing the sights, their visit has been exactly what I needed at this time. I haven't been preoccupied with the start of this IVF cycle which I think it good for my mental health.  And though I have indulged in a beer or two these past few days, I will completely refrain once I start my injections.     

Cousin Jane is Pregnant Again

I came across this on 999 reasons to laugh at infertility

Back in the saddle

Today I took my last BCP.  

Shortly AF will arrive and round two of Project "Let's Make a Baby" starts.  I'm entering into this round of IVF with few expectations.  Last March I was crushed by the failure of my first IVF cycle and I don't want to feel that way again.  I entered into it with so many hopes, only to have them blown away like a feather in a tornado.  This time, I vow to be more pragmatic and guarded.  I know what to expect.  I know what my odds are.  All I can do, is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

On the positive side of things, I've been keeping myself rather preoccupied with non-IF concerns.  For the past 4 weeks, I taught two blocks of remedial English at summer school.  While I complained about the early morning wake ups, I appreciated the routine and the lack of free time during the day.  Fortunately the students I worked with were nice kids.  I even had one girl pop by at the end and say "Thank you for reminding me that English can be fun and what it's like to have a good English teacher."  Her comments meant a lot to me.  Had I had that time off, I know I would have been at home stewing about the next IVF cycle and obsessively researching statistics etc....  But no, I've avoided all IVF and IF sites, blogs, and articles for the last month or so.  

Along with summer school, I had family (aunt and second cousin) visiting from Finland.  For the most part, they spent the majority of their holiday up north with my parents and then their final week was in Vancouver with me.  I hadn't seen my aunt since 1997 and at that time, my second cousin was only year old.  Now, she's 15!  My aunt, who never travels out of Finland, was just awestruck by the beauty of our city.  She kept saying with almost a childlike innocence, "I cannot believe the things I've seen.  I cannot believe that I am here."  My aunt not only lives in a rather rural part of Finland, like most Finns, but she's also not a very well traveled person.  All of this - from connecting in Heathrow to suffering from jet lag - was new to her.  On top of not speaking a word of English, she was bombarded by so many different sights, sounds, tastes.  At times, I wondered if it was almost an assault on her senses.  In Finland, it's an incredibly homogeneous population and, as you can imagine, BC is incredibly diverse.  In fact, with my husband being Greek, I imagine he's the first non-Finn she's ever really come in contact with!  On the day she left, she looked at me and said, "I'll be back when the baby is born."  

You see, my aunt suffered from infertility.  Though her husband has 3 children from a previous marriage, they were never able to conceive their own child.  From the sounds of it, her period was incredibly erratic and when it did arrive, debilitating.  Perhaps she suffered from PCOS?  Now in her late 60s and a widow, she reassured me that not having children doesn't bother her.  She stated that her life is full and she has no regrets.  She has such a gentle soul and I miss her presence already. 

With summer school completed and family returned to Finland, I have another set of visitors coming on Friday to distract me.  My friend L and his boyfriend S are flying in from Atlanta for a long visit.  I met L when I was in grade 9 when I signed up for a pen pal exchange.  His was one of the three names I received.  We got off to a bit of a bumpy start as I thought he was a girl (his name is somewhat unisex) and his Italian pride was rather insulted.  Thankfully he got over it and we forged a strong relationship from that point on.  So here we are, some twenty five years later, and we're still in each others' lives.  The two of us have been through a lot together.  All those miles away, we were each others' support and sounding board. 

The only issue with L and S arriving is that I'm due to start IVF 2.0 while they're here.  From my calculations, I'll only have to visit the clinic once or twice while they're visiting so hopefully I can keep everything on the down low.  Personally, I don't care if people know that we're pursuing infertility treatments but Sweets isn't a fan of letting people in on it.  So hopefully I'll be able to sneak in my shots without them noticing.   

So there is stands.  The next few weeks will be a whirlwind.  With touring around Vancouver (again) and calling in CD 1, my August is sure to be a doozy!

Disappearing Act *Update*

Sorry for being MIA again.  I'm noticing that after failed treatments, I hibernate. I don't want to think about or read about infertility treatments.  I did have an appointment with my RE last week to find out what's going on and what to do next.  He is very hopeful that I'll get pregnant.  He reiterated that all signs point to it being very likely that it will happen.  So unless we have a "natural surprise", as he put it, we'll be doing our second IVF in August.  I hope to God that Sweets gets a few contracts between now and then.  Then we can pay down our debt and put money into the Fertility Account.  

Peyton
Cameron
Sydney
Kalaia
Elaina
Carter 
*Nathaniel* born July 3rd - had to add this one in just to demonstrate the vast amounts of fertility surrounding me. 


These are all the babies born to friends and acquaintances in the last two months.  The last 4 were in the last 2 weeks.  <sigh>  It makes me sad but in a way it gives me hope.  Peyton's mommy is 40.  Cameron's mommy is 38.  Kalaia's and Elaina's mommies are both 39.  It's possible.  I can get pregnant.  I will get pregnant.  

Sucks to be me...

Beta came back negative.

Sunshine and disappointment

It appears that spring has finally arrived in southern British Columbia.  For the past few days, we've experienced relatively good weather.  Sweets and I have enjoyed our afternoons and evenings gardening in our little backyard.  Since the weather has been so great, we finally picked up a love seat his parents have been holding on for us.  It's been a while since I've driven a pick-up, especially in lower mainland traffic, but we survived the trip there and back and neither the love seat nor the truck were damaged. However, I think I screwed up.  I was expecting Sweets's father to help us with the love seat, but I forgot that he injured his back.  So I helped move the love seat.  It was light; it was super easy to move and I felt no strain in lifting it.  But I'm not supposed to pick up heavy items during this two week wait.  And I did.  I think I fucked up.  What if my momentary lapse has lead to this cycle being a bust?

I've been having cramps on and on literally since the transfer.  I took a home pregnancy test 9 days after transfer and it was a BFN.  My period was due around the 8th, and it's not here yet.  But, my period was a week late last time.  It's been two weeks today since my transfer and this morning I woke with intensified cramps. Not painful, but more "present" than the previous cramps I've been experiencing.  Every time I've had a treatment, my period either arrived two weeks after the treatment or on the day my period was due.  I guess I'm on schedule as I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period today.  

  

POAS this morning

It was a BFN.  I'm hoping it's too soon.  It was a cheapo dollar HPT so hopefully it's not sensitive enough to detect low levels of HCG.  But, I'm still cramping.  It is a bit strange.  It's constant and kind of in the upper part of my tummy.  I bet you tomorrow I'll be greeted by spotting.  Argh.

Is that a Rubenesque woman I hear singing?

I'm cramping up a storm.  Sure, I can try to remain optimistic and think, "Maybe it's my uterus expanding" but I'm sure it's my period announcing its arrival shortly.  I expect it to arrive by Wednesday or Thursday.  Just to humour myself, I'll POAS tomorrow.  I anticipate that it'll be a BFN.


Yesterday, my friend Nicole had a baby girl.  I'm happy for her but wish it was me.  She got married last July and was pregnant by September.  The day that she announced her pregnancy to the staff at school, I had my first IUI BFN.  I did not handle it well.  In fact, I broke down in tears just before teaching my Socials 11 class.  Thankfully I pulled myself together and finished teaching the class.  You know, in the past 6 weeks, I've had four friends give birth and in a couple weeks another one is due.  Fuckedy fuck fuck.  


To add more shit to this shit pile, Vancouver is being demolished in Boston.  Crap.  

Kids say the darnedest things

Today, in my English 10 class, we discussed Romeo and Juliet.  At the beginning of the play, Lady Juliet's mother, Lady Capulet, tries to convince Juliet to marry the County Paris.  She remarks that she had had a number of children by Juliet's age (2 weeks shy of 14).  Shock and horrified, students tend to find Juliet's age rather unsettling.  I reminded them that people died much earlier in the 1500s and for Juliet to not be married already was quite out of the ordinary.  A student asked, "What would 13 be then today?"  I guessed that it would in the early 20s or so.  Considered quite old at that time, Lady Capulet is estimated to be 28 years old or so.  Another student piped up, utterly unsolicited, "I think women who have babies when they're 40 is gross."  I was quite shocked and had to bite my tongue.  Part of me wanted to challenge and question her, "So do you think I'm gross? I'm trying to have a baby and I'm almost 40."  But I didn't.  I simply said,"Wow that's quite a strong opinion" and then moved on quickly to the next scene of the play. 


What else could have been said?  It's not as though I'm going to air out my laundry in front of a bunch of 15 year olds who cannot fathom complex issues like pregnancy and infertility.  Inappropriate.  Unprofessional.  But it's been sitting with me. Nagging me.  Irritating me like mosquito in my bedroom.  Her comment got under my skin.  Why would it bother her so?  What's the big deal if a woman wants to have a baby at 40?  How does it effect her?  If she's lucky, she won't have to worry about making babies when she's older.  She'll be one of those fortunate ladies who had pockets filled with baby dust.  But perhaps not.  Statistics tell us that there is a 1 in 10 possibility that one day, she'll be putting on estrogen patches, injecting herself with hormones, obsessively inspecting her panties, peeing on multiple sticks.  Who knows?  Maybe one day, she'll be a 40 year old weeping in the bathroom because once her body has betrayed her.  


As for me, I've been cramping on and off over the past few days.  Typically, I cramp a little bit the week before my period arrives.  Then just before my period, nothing.  No cramps.  As soon as I start spotting, the cramps return.  I'm trying to be completely zen about this.  I'm working hard at not obsessing, keeping myself busy with work and home.  I'm supposed to get my beta on the 12th, the same day that AF is due, but the lab is closed on Sundays.  Hopefully the wicked witch stays away this time!


Speaking of wicked, I'm off to see Wicked tomorrow with my bff.  I've seen it once before in San Diego, but so enjoyed it that I'm going to see it again.  Good times.  :)  And good thing that the hockey match is on Saturday and not tomorrow.  It would be IMPOSSIBLE to get around the downtown core.  Last night there were an estimated 40,000 people in downtown Vancouver watching the game at outdoor revenues.  Nutso!  Canucks fever has swept the city!                   

"As smooth as it gets"

I didn't sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned thinking about my little embryo.  This morning I called the lab 3 times to find out if it survived.  My last call was a message stating that we were on the road and that I would appreciate it if she called to let me know that it didn't make it.  Well, about 5mins into our drive, the phone ran and our hearts sunk.  It didn't make it.  On the other end of the line, the embryologist apologised for not calling sooner.  She had been with another patient.  She was pleased to report that our embryo had made it!  I nearly drove off the road!  "It survived?!" My husband couldn't believe it either.  He was convinced that it wouldn't make it.  Needless to say, the drive into the city was full of excitement and anticipation.  

The good news didn't stop there.  Once we got to the clinic, I saw that it was Dr. R., my favourite doctor, who would be performing the transfer.  He is so charming and his bedside manner immediately puts anyone at ease.  After it was all done, he stated that the transfer was "as smooth as it gets."  Hopefully it works and in 9 months I'll have a little one in my arms.  

Yes, my ass looks fat in this.

I've always struggled with my weight.  Ever since I was a little girl, I was always been on the pudgy side of things.  As an adult, I worked hard to maintain a healthy weight but always lingered in the size 10-14 range.  In the past few years, with major changes in work and now with TTC, I've gained weight.  A lot of it.  About 45 pounds or so.  I'm not happy with my weight and quite depressed with my size.  In 2004 I ran my first 5k.  In 2005 my first 10k.  I always hated the first ten minutes of a run but loved the feeling after one.  Now, I get winded walking up my stairs.  Since last year, my life has been lived in two week increments.  Either I'm exercising moderately and waiting to ovulate or I'm in my 2ww and trying not to get my heart rate up too high.  It's a vicious circle.  I used to love exercising but all I want to do is sit on the couch, sleep in on weekends and eat everything that damages my body and my esteem.  


This Wednesday we have the high school commencement ceremony and I literally have nothing to wear.  With my body pumped full of estrogen and progesterone right now, even my size 16s are tight.  I tried on a few outfits today and broke down in tears of self-loathing.  I hate how I look right now and have difficulties looking at myself in the mirror.  How the heck am I supposed to sit on stage looking and feeling like this?  Sweets is his sweet self telling me I look beautiful but I know I don't.  I look like a sausage.  Spanx, don't fail me now!


Tomorrow is my FET.  I have the number for the lab to find out whether my little guy made it or not.  Sweets is not optimistic. I'm trying to be.  We've discussed whether we want to push for another round of IVF immediately or wait until August.  I'm of two minds.  I would love to get things back on track right away and start injections.  On the other hand, I would like to give my body a break and wait until August.  In that time, I can work out, lose some weight, save up some money and possibly gain some of my esteem back.  I don't know.  We'll see.  Hopefully we won't have to consider IVF because my little singleton will survive and thrive inside of me.