When friends don't get it.

On Saturday I spent the day with my friend K.  K is 6.5 months pregnant.  You may recall that she was the one who "accidentally" got pregnant.  I posted about her pregnancy here.  I know that things have been tough for her.  Things are not exactly perfect between her and her partner (he hasn't told his parents that they're going to grandparents yet!) and she has struggled in the past with depression.  While we were lining up at Sep.hora, she looked at me and said, "You know what?  I hate being pregnant.  I really hate the way I feel. Ugh."
Really?
You're telling ME of all people that you hate being pregnant?
Seriously?  

Courtesy of Google Images 

I've listened to her endless comments about being pregnant and the baby moving.  
I've gone into maternity stores, buying maternity clothes, buying baby clothes....
I've endeavoured to be a good, supportive friend.  
I've set aside the fact that it hurts me to be doing all of these things.  
I've set aside my pain because I know that she needs me.  
But to complain about being pregnant to your friend who is suffering from infertility is just plain narcissistic and ignorant.  
I looked at her and said, "I know you hate being pregnant, but I would do anything to be in your shoes."  


I think she realized what she said at that point and just shut her mouth.  A few long minutes passed and she said, "I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant.  Don't get me wrong.  I was just a friend speaking to a friend about how she felt."  
I acknowledged her feelings.  But I don't recall her acknowledging mine.
I wish she would just try to put herself in my shoes.  
She has no clue how much infertility hurts.  
How it has the ability to steal your light, your happiness.  
But I don't think she ever will.  


I don't think she has a clue about how I feel.  
About how much it hurts.       

Everyone but me

If you're reading this, you're probably one of the many people suffering from infertility.  And you've probably lamented how it seems like everyone is pregnant except for you.  Right?  Well, I know how you feel.  I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women. And recently one of my close friends joined their ranks.  

Courtesy of Google Images

K and I are very close in age, only about a week apart.  She moved back to Canada after spending almost a decade working in the States.  Moving back was all about her making a better and a fuller life.  In the time span a year, K has found a new job, moved back to Canada, and entered into a new relationship.  She's a wonderful person who never knew if love would come her way.  Thankfully A came into her life.  They've been together for a year now and she's madly in love.  I'm so happy for her.  


She knows that I've been trying to get pregnant; knows about all our struggles.  Yesterday she invited me over for lunch and she spilled the beans.  "I'm pregnant."  At first I wanted to cry, and then I remembered that this was not about me.  Her being pregnant has nothing to do with my infertility.  She was afraid to tell me.  She was worried I would be upset.  And I was.  I am.  Like many people who suffer with infertility, it just seems like everyone is pregnant but me.  K hardly ever sees her bf because he works out of town 3 weeks at a time.  Sweets and I time our intimate moments and still no dice.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her.  She deserves to be happy.  To be a mother.  I just wish I could join her.  


K is a big believer in "The Secret".  The idea that you have to put out positive energy and it'll come back to you.  She said that she's been visualizing herself pregnant, in the hospital, pushing a stroller.  She insists that I start to do that too.  I don't know.  I tried it, but I'm having trouble seeing it.  Perhaps it's because the optimism has been removed from my heart.  All the pain of the disappointments have scarred me in some way, preventing me from seeing things on the other side.   


I don't know how this will change our relationship. I love K dearly but I don't know if I can constantly listen to the baby talk.  I want to be the good friend but how?  How do you celebrate a friend's "surprise" pregnancy while you're suffering?  Argh...

The White Whale

I think I've been in a good head space since my BFN.  I haven't contacted the clinic to make an appointment for January yet.  I better get on that soon.  With them being short an RE, I wonder if that will increase wait times.  While treatments have been the furthest from my mind, getting pregnant is still front and center.  I've been tracking my cycle and monitoring all the bodily aches and fluids that we're supposed to monitor.  Sweets and I are still hopeful that things will work out for us.  


With all the pain and turmoil this process has caused, I'm endeavoring to capture my white whale.  Isn't that a fitting metaphor?  Infertility is our Moby Dick.  Infertility viciously attacks our psyches, destroys our confidence and threatens to rip us apart.  I don't want to be Captain Ahab.  I don't want to obsessed to the point where is destroys who I am.


So, as a result, in an effort to maintain my sanity, I hope you don't mind if I mix my blog up with not only musings on my fertility journey, but also with thoughts on my profession.  I've been really exploring and reflecting on myself as a teacher.  My goal is to make my students into well educated, thoughtful, empathetic individuals.  As a result, I've been changing the way I do things. The way I assess my students; the way I deliver the curriculum.  Or perhaps, I'll just create another blog to think these things over.  I'm not sure.  


The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not going to let that White Whale drag me down to the bottom of the ocean.     

Oh F*ck

I've been experiencing very strong menstrual-like cramps this morning.  Not the twinges and mild cramping of the past week.  Full on period cramps.  My period is due on Sunday.  Beta is supposed to be next Wednesday.  

Fuck. 

I think this cycle is a bust.  

Again. 

5dp3dt

I know I'm not alone in saying that the two week wait sucks.  It's not even half way through the wait and I feel like I'm going a little mental.  Thankfully this week is going to be a little busy so I can take my mind of things and step away from Dr. Google.  

On Saturday I had a wonderful time hanging out with some of my high school girlfriends.  My friend Kelly recently returned to Canada after living in the USA for 10 years.  She wanted to celebrate her return so she hosted a great little party.  Since it was a topic of conversation the last time we got together, I was a little worried that the whole topic of TTC was going to come up again.  The last time I saw everyone together like this was about a month before my first IVF cycle.  We had a lot of laughs, played a little Wii, and enjoyed some amazing food.  It was exactly what I needed.  

Also on Saturday, I was supposed to call the embryologist to find out about the remaining two embryos that they were culturing.  Just I picked up the phone to call the number, I noticed a little note indicating that if my date to call landed on a Saturday, I would need to call on Monday to find out.  Bummer.  After a morning spent clock watching, I called the embryologist's lab today to find out the news.  As expected, the two they were culturing did not make it.  I suspect they were the two poorer quality embryos and the 5 that were frozen on Day 3 were among the best.  Of course it's disappointing but I'm still comforted by the fact that we have 5 waiting, just in case.  

As for symptom watch, there's really nothing much to report.  My cramping comes and goes.  It definitely feels like my period but from what I've read, there are similarities between menstrual cramps and early pregnancy cramps.  According to a implantation chart I found, yesterday, the embryo(s) would have started the task of burrowing into the lining.  Do people feel it implanting?  Is it a cramp?  Is it a twinge?  Also, I've read that with the progesterone, the cramping could be a result of the uterus preparing for implantation.  In the end, I have no clue.  It's a little disconcerting.  Yesterday, the breast soreness started.  I'm sure that's courtesy of the progesterone as well.  Other than the sore breasts and the cramps, I have no other symptoms.  I've never been pregnant so I have no clue what pregnancy feels like.

Zeus admiring the garden at sunset

Sadly, I'm well versed in what not being pregnant feels like.

On a different note, they're demolishing the beautiful old home behind our townhouse to put up a new townhouse complex.  I suppose it's somewhat hypocritical of me to be annoyed by this, but sadly we'll no longer have this beautiful view of the mountains and the sunset.      

Is it too early to freak out?

Now, I've been trying to be so relaxed.  These past two days, Sweets has literally be catering to my every need.  I haven't had to lift a finger.  While it seems great, I kind of hate it.  I want to go out into my garden, vacuum my home, do some laundry, play with my cats....all the things normal people do.  He did remind me today that I beat myself up during my FET cycle when I helped to move the love seat. So, okay, I'll be a couch potato for a couple of days.  You would think that I should be the picture of serenity, but I'm not.  


Today, I've been cramping.  They feel an awful lot like menstrual cramps.  Lower abdominal just above the pubic bone.  Needless to say, I'm kind of freaking out.  I typically get these same cramps in the same location a week before my period starts.  If this cycle is a bust, it's due on Sept 3rd.  According to IVF.ca's Due Date calculator  implantation would start on Sunday and end on the 1st of Sept, just before my period is due.  If my uterus is cramping, won't it make it impossible for the embryo(s) to implant?  Argh!!!!

Am I being overly pessimistic?  Probably, but I've become so accustomed to disappointment that in some way, I don't expect my super eggs to make it.  


My good friend Kelly says that I need to visualize a baby in my belly and one in my arms.  She's a firm believer in "The Secret."  Nothing else has worked thus far so perhaps I'll just have to give it a try.      

An even dozen

Does anyone get any sleep the night before their retrieval?  I honestly tried.  I went to bed early.  I read my book, The Magicians  by Lev Grossman (highly recommend it if you're a Potter fan).  Once it was lights out, all I did was toss and turn.  Granted, it was one of the warmest evenings we've had all summer (if you can really call it summer) so that didn't help.  Just before the alarm went off, my eyes were wide open in the haziness of the morning light.  Sweets slept a little bit last night but being the night owl that he is, he probably averaged about 3 hours of sleep.  


The drive in was perfect.  Very little traffic and we actually found a non-paying parking spot just a short walk from the clinic doors.

Things were different this time than last time..  When nurse Betty put in the IV, it didn't hurt like it did last time.  The retrieval itself seemed quicker and less painful.  Nurse Betty even remarked that they has used less medication on me to numb the pain.  Dr A. was awesome.  When she was leaving, Sweets and I both thanked her and remarked how quick it seemed.  She smiled and stated, "That's the way I do things.  If someone was poking me around down there, I would want them as quick and efficient as possible."  In the end, we extracted 12 eggs.  Only two less from the 14 we had last time.  Sweets and I are both pleased with that number.  I hope that the slower growth rate and the extra day of stimulation equates better egg quality.  


Though everything else seemed easier this time round, the only drawback is that I feel like my cramping is worse.  And while the heating pad has truly been my friend, it's so freaking warm and muggy today that I have to use my A/C as well.  So just imagine this, I'm hot and uncomfortable due to the weather, have to use my heating pad because I'm uncomfortable and have my air conditioning on full blast since I'm so warm. Ugh....  Now, for those of you who have done this a couple of times, should I still be cramping tomorrow?  Or should the worst of it be done by then.  For the life of me, I can't recall how long I had to endure these cramps last time.   


As most of you know, tomorrow is a big day.  We receive our fertilization report.  Last time, we had 100% fertilization with only IVF.  I hope we receive similar news.  

Now, back to my book.         

Engage!

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that I've been a little concerned about the differences between my first ivf and this current one.  My response has been different while the medications have been the same.  I guess soon enough, I'll know if this cycle is completely different in that it has a happy ending. 

As anticipated, I've been given the go for the HCG shot tonight.  From what I recall, I had about 9 follicles on the left and about 6 on the right.  Four of them are between 18-20mm.  According to Dr. A, the clinic guideline is to have at least 3.  My E2 levels came back at 9674 (or 2636 US).  Once again, I had a fellow preforming my u/s.  I think this must have been her first day in the clinic.  I overheard her asking my favourite nurse, Rav, if the weather was like this in Vancouver in the fall.  She wasn't the most gentle when it came to doing the u/s.  As you can imagine, I'm bloated and tender and having a wand poking around down there isn't most comfortable feeling.  On top of that, since she's not accustomed to doing these, she was a little slower than the regular Doctors.  I wasn't quite sure what a "fellow" is, so I asked Rav about it.  A fellow is a doctor who has already found a specialty but wants to have a more narrowed focus.  In this case, the fellows have specialized in obstetrics and gynecology which is five years of education and now they study and additional two years.  Good to know.   
 Well, at 9pm tonight, I give myself the Ovridel shot.  Bright and early on Sunday I'm at the clinic ready for extraction.  Last time, Sweets didn't get any sleep the night before.  I think he was super nervous.  Perhaps I'll pick up some nytol for him so that he can get a good night's rest on Saturday.  

I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  And, I'm cautious.  

Up. Up. Up.

Cycle day 9.  

A quick visit to the clinic proved to be fruitful.  Both my left and right ovaries have approximately 5 decent sized follicles and 4-5 follicles 9mm or under each.  The largest follicle is on the right sized at 17mm.  I think the grand total is about 10 substantial follicles and 10 wee ones.  For the most part, the follicles on my left ovary are quite uniform - 4 are 14mm in size.  My E2 has gone up nicely as well - around 5200.  I have two more days of injections (200 today; 150 tomorrow) and then another visit to the clinic on Friday.  I have a feeling that I'll be triggering on Friday night with my ER on Sunday.

I've been stressing out about this cycle, thinking I'm not progressing well.  Thanks to the many reassurances from the doctors and forums members on IVF.CA and Fertile Thoughts
Things are going well.  As they've stated over and over, it's quality not quantity.  Last time I had a lot of follicles but not necessarily the best quality eggs.   
 
That's about it on the fertility front.   Nothing else to report.  

View of West Vancouver from Prospect Point in Stanley Park

    

Wake up!

Yesterday we had a lovely evening with our in-laws.  It was my niece's 17th birthday so the family just got together for cake and coffee.  When she was born, my husband's brother, Lucky, would often pressure us about having kids.  Our retort?  "By the time we have kids, Alex will be able to babysit them."  Little did we know how true those words would prove to be.  

Today was another early wake up for a drive into the city.  If I hit the road by 7:10am at the latest, the traffic is fine.  Just a few minutes off and it turns ugly.  Today I left at 7:12am and could sense that I was on the cusp of a very nasty early commute.  Thankfully, I was able to manoeuvre myself through the traffic and to my destination without too much difficulty.  Since my last ultrasound did not demonstrate the follicle cornucopia that I had hoped for, I was rather anxious about my results this morning.  After all, they put me on a "high responder protocol" yet, I am not responding as well as I had last cycle.  I love the u/s nurse - Rav.  She is just a dear.  Every morning, no matter what, she always greats me with a huge smile of her face.  She just oozes this warm maternal quality.  I expected Dr. R to do the u/s, as he was in the clinic and actually set up the machine, and was surprised when Dr. A walked in.  From my understanding, he is a new doctor on the unit.  Since my clinic is in a teaching hospital, I wonder if he's doing an RE rotation or something.  Who knows?  He was nice and quite thorough in his examination.  

Finally it appears that the right side has finally woken up a little bit and decided to join the Puregon party.  Though most of my follicles are still 10mm or under, they are growing.  I have 6 on my left and 7 on my right.  As I mentioned previously, on my CD 5 last time, I had 25.  By the end of the whole cycle, there were 22 follicles and they extracted 14 eggs.  How many eggs will they find with only 13 follicles?  This huge difference in response is disconcerting to me.  Dr. R entered the room once the u/s was finished and I asked him whether I should be concerned or not.  After looking over my follicle progress, he stated that was not concerned and reassured me that there are follicles there and they are growing.  That's the positive news.  

So, now I just have to wait and see if I have to alter my medication in any way.  Dr. R. did intimate that I may have to increase my dosage.   

Worrywart

Please take a moment and send some positive prayers/energy/thoughts/wishes to Shannon of Chasing Rainbows and her little bug Finn. 

Have you ever had one of those days when the alarm goes off and you think it's all a dream?  That was me this morning.  The alarm seemed so unfamiliar to me.  A rude interruption to a sweet sleep.  Waking up was a bit of a chore.  Groggy and half asleep, I rolled out of bed and trudged into the bathroom to get prepared for my jaunt into the city and my date with a needle and the vag-cam.  

Today was my CD 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Because it's a Saturday, the drive in was traffic free and the hospital was incredibly quiet.  It's a rare occurrence for me to find a spot on the road allowing me to avoid the parking fees.  

I am a little concerned.  While I understand that each cycle is unique and that I shouldn't compare my last cycle to this one, I can't help but doing so.  To begin with, my E2 levels are a touch higher than last time - 1512 vs. 1539.  Further, my follicle count is a lot lower.  Last time at this point I had 25 follicles.  This time I have only 9.  Should I be worried?  I don't know but I am quite concerned.  The protocol is exactly the same - same drugs, same dose.  Logically I know that things won't be precisely the same but why is my body reacting so differently?  Both the doctor and the nurse stated that "it's still early."  Though I know that it was meant to ease my anxiety, all it did was ramp it up a notch.

With my E2 levels above 1000, I start my Orgalutran shots today.  While at the clinic, I asked them if I should go and pick up the prescription now in order to avoid having to drive back into the city again - about a 40-45 min drive depending on traffic.  At that point, they told me to hold off as the blood work would dictate the next step.  Annoyed, concerned, and frustrated, here I am having to drive back into Vancouver to get my shots.  I should have followed my instincts and just gone to the pharmacy.

On the plus side, when I drive into the city, this is what I get to see.  :) 

The beauty of Vancouver.  Photo taken from the Aquabus to Granville Island.

   

IVF 2.0 CD1

My lovely Aunt Flo arrived yesterday.  She started off as a trickle, so my first inclination was that this was the calm before the storm. Yet today it's trickled off.  I recall a similar thing happening the last time I was on BCPs.  With that said, I called the clinic this morning and declared yesterday as CD1.  The nurse I spoke with asked me to go to my local lab to get a blood test today and then tomorrow I have an appointment with the nurse to get my prescription and be retrained for my injections.  I was under the assumption that I was going to be on the exact same protocol but she informed me that instead of Puregon, I'll be on Menopur instead.  I do recall that my RE wanted me to incorporate LH into my injections.  Unfortunately I have a box of Puregon in my fridge and now I won't be able to use it.  I'll double check tomorrow if I'm truly on a different protocol, but if so, it looks like I have a box of Puregon (follistim) for sale. Anyone interested?

On another note, my friends from Atlanta are here.  We are having a blast.  It's just been 4 days of laughter.  Laughter must be good for my health right now.  Though we've been running around a lot, seeing the sights, their visit has been exactly what I needed at this time. I haven't been preoccupied with the start of this IVF cycle which I think it good for my mental health.  And though I have indulged in a beer or two these past few days, I will completely refrain once I start my injections.     

Cousin Jane is Pregnant Again

I came across this on 999 reasons to laugh at infertility

Back in the saddle

Today I took my last BCP.  

Shortly AF will arrive and round two of Project "Let's Make a Baby" starts.  I'm entering into this round of IVF with few expectations.  Last March I was crushed by the failure of my first IVF cycle and I don't want to feel that way again.  I entered into it with so many hopes, only to have them blown away like a feather in a tornado.  This time, I vow to be more pragmatic and guarded.  I know what to expect.  I know what my odds are.  All I can do, is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

On the positive side of things, I've been keeping myself rather preoccupied with non-IF concerns.  For the past 4 weeks, I taught two blocks of remedial English at summer school.  While I complained about the early morning wake ups, I appreciated the routine and the lack of free time during the day.  Fortunately the students I worked with were nice kids.  I even had one girl pop by at the end and say "Thank you for reminding me that English can be fun and what it's like to have a good English teacher."  Her comments meant a lot to me.  Had I had that time off, I know I would have been at home stewing about the next IVF cycle and obsessively researching statistics etc....  But no, I've avoided all IVF and IF sites, blogs, and articles for the last month or so.  

Along with summer school, I had family (aunt and second cousin) visiting from Finland.  For the most part, they spent the majority of their holiday up north with my parents and then their final week was in Vancouver with me.  I hadn't seen my aunt since 1997 and at that time, my second cousin was only year old.  Now, she's 15!  My aunt, who never travels out of Finland, was just awestruck by the beauty of our city.  She kept saying with almost a childlike innocence, "I cannot believe the things I've seen.  I cannot believe that I am here."  My aunt not only lives in a rather rural part of Finland, like most Finns, but she's also not a very well traveled person.  All of this - from connecting in Heathrow to suffering from jet lag - was new to her.  On top of not speaking a word of English, she was bombarded by so many different sights, sounds, tastes.  At times, I wondered if it was almost an assault on her senses.  In Finland, it's an incredibly homogeneous population and, as you can imagine, BC is incredibly diverse.  In fact, with my husband being Greek, I imagine he's the first non-Finn she's ever really come in contact with!  On the day she left, she looked at me and said, "I'll be back when the baby is born."  

You see, my aunt suffered from infertility.  Though her husband has 3 children from a previous marriage, they were never able to conceive their own child.  From the sounds of it, her period was incredibly erratic and when it did arrive, debilitating.  Perhaps she suffered from PCOS?  Now in her late 60s and a widow, she reassured me that not having children doesn't bother her.  She stated that her life is full and she has no regrets.  She has such a gentle soul and I miss her presence already. 

With summer school completed and family returned to Finland, I have another set of visitors coming on Friday to distract me.  My friend L and his boyfriend S are flying in from Atlanta for a long visit.  I met L when I was in grade 9 when I signed up for a pen pal exchange.  His was one of the three names I received.  We got off to a bit of a bumpy start as I thought he was a girl (his name is somewhat unisex) and his Italian pride was rather insulted.  Thankfully he got over it and we forged a strong relationship from that point on.  So here we are, some twenty five years later, and we're still in each others' lives.  The two of us have been through a lot together.  All those miles away, we were each others' support and sounding board. 

The only issue with L and S arriving is that I'm due to start IVF 2.0 while they're here.  From my calculations, I'll only have to visit the clinic once or twice while they're visiting so hopefully I can keep everything on the down low.  Personally, I don't care if people know that we're pursuing infertility treatments but Sweets isn't a fan of letting people in on it.  So hopefully I'll be able to sneak in my shots without them noticing.   

So there is stands.  The next few weeks will be a whirlwind.  With touring around Vancouver (again) and calling in CD 1, my August is sure to be a doozy!

Disappearing Act *Update*

Sorry for being MIA again.  I'm noticing that after failed treatments, I hibernate. I don't want to think about or read about infertility treatments.  I did have an appointment with my RE last week to find out what's going on and what to do next.  He is very hopeful that I'll get pregnant.  He reiterated that all signs point to it being very likely that it will happen.  So unless we have a "natural surprise", as he put it, we'll be doing our second IVF in August.  I hope to God that Sweets gets a few contracts between now and then.  Then we can pay down our debt and put money into the Fertility Account.  

Peyton
Cameron
Sydney
Kalaia
Elaina
Carter 
*Nathaniel* born July 3rd - had to add this one in just to demonstrate the vast amounts of fertility surrounding me. 


These are all the babies born to friends and acquaintances in the last two months.  The last 4 were in the last 2 weeks.  <sigh>  It makes me sad but in a way it gives me hope.  Peyton's mommy is 40.  Cameron's mommy is 38.  Kalaia's and Elaina's mommies are both 39.  It's possible.  I can get pregnant.  I will get pregnant.  

Gearing up for FET

An early morning wake up call.  

An hour drive to Women's Hospital with traffic and an accident on the highway.  

Concerns about my TSH levels.  

A bit of a stressful morning today.  

During my IVF cycle, I endeavoured to be the first person in line each morning, as the wait could be quite long for the ultrasound.  Thankfully there were only 3 women ahead.  Unfortunately, I recognized one of the women from my IVF cycle.  She was cycling at the same time.  Sad to know that it didn't work for her either.  

To avoid sitting and waiting in the ultrasound waiting room, I detoured to the front office and forked over my VISA for the $1000 fee for the FET.  Yikes.  While a thousand dollars is nothing in comparison to the costs of IVF, things have been slow for Sweets since his business partner quit.  Although his move to the two, more prestigious, companies brought with it optimism, he has yet to work with these new companies.  Tiny projects here and there, but still, no significant pay cheques since December.  Needless to say, infertility and financial woes does not make for a stress-free life.  Thankfully, things appear to be picking up for him.  

The wait in the ultrasound section wasn't too long.  I was pleased to see my favourite nurse and doctor present today.  She was full of smiles and encouragement during my IVF cycle.  She's like a cinnamon bun - comforting, gooey, and warm.  And Dr. R's bed side manner set me at ease.  I reminded him of his comment of my "Mick Jagger smile" uterus.  He actually appeared to be embarrassed when I mentioned it.  I reassured him that it brought levity to a stressful situation and I was grateful for his humour.  

All in all, the ultrasound went well.  My ovaries were "perfectly normal" according to Dr. R.  My uterine lining was at 9mm.  While finishing up, I mentioned to the doctor that my last blood test demonstrated an increase in my TSH.  His concern was quite obvious; it was written all over his face.  He made sure that the nurses double checked with the lab that they were testing my T3 and T4 levels as well, but he asked that I check in with the nurses before I left.  Just a few hours ago, I received the "We're good to go" phone call.  I guess I can assume that my blood work came back a-okay.  

Sunday's the day.  While my emotions are still heightened, I'm not as invested in this process as I was with IVF which is totally understandable.   Now, hopefully, my little guy will survive the thaw and in 9 months time, make me a mommy.  

Wish me luck.  

Send me prayers.  

And I promise to do the same for you.    

Sigh...

Saw this on another blog and felt compelled to repost it.  It's a luv thing

39

Today is my birthday.  I'm 39 years old.  My life is good.  I have a husband whom I adore, a home I love, a family I cherish.  On top of that I have an inspiring job, friends who support me, and kitties that make me smile every day.  Yet, I'm living a life unfulfilled.  I want to be a mother.  That's my birthday wish.  A baby before I'm 40.  Please?

I've been on the patches for a week now.  Though I'm not noticing any emotional shifts, my body feels like it's expanding with each day. I feel so freaking bloated.  I hate it  Today, I just wanted to peel off my all my clothes.  Everything is pulling in the wrong direction.  It felt as if my breasts were going to burst from my bra. That would go over well with 15 year old boys!  

Ugh...Soon I increase it to 4 patches.  I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be feeling then.  At least if I was pregnant, I would have a reason to be bloated and fat.  But I'm not, so I don't.  

On the plus side, a coworker and I have been working out together and are going to start walking everyday after work.  So I'm going to fight this weight gain/bloat as best I can.  Wish me luck!   

Patching it up

Waiting is the name of the game when it comes to dealing with infertility treatments.  We wait for our periods.  We wait for ovulation.  We wait for our betas.  We wait and wait and wait.  This cycle I had to wait an extra week for my period to arrive.  Thankfully she did arrive yesterday, with full force.  So finally I get to start the next phase of my infertility "journey" (more like a marathon).

Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week.  It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer.  Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again.  Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus.  The patches continue until the beta.  

Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists.  I'm most anxious about my little frostie.  I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing.  I only have one!  We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer.  The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed.  Please, please, please God.  Please let him survive the thaw.  Please.

On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH.  Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work.  My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated.  As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell).  According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia.  Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie.  Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2!  I have a family history of hypothryoid.  My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it.  Joy.  Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well.  I

It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately.  But I will soldier on.  What other choice do I have?         

Mini-hiatus

Since the failure of my first IVF cycle, I've kind of gone on hiatus from infertility.  I haven't been visiting the fertility boards nor have I been reading blogs or posting myself.  I've stopped obsessively searching for everything and anything on infertility.  I've stopped talking to my husband about it.  I needed to take a vacation away from infertility and not think about it.  But today, my vacation ended.  
A good friend and coworker came by to visit me today after classes were over.  She's currently on her maternity leave (we started trying about the same time btw) but she's been at the school every so often to complete the practicum portion of her secondary counseling masters.  Since we haven't seen each other on a daily basis like we used to, we've been a bit out of touch with each other's lives.  She knows that we've been trying to conceive and of course she asked the question, "How are things on the pregnancy front?"  
All those emotions I had been able to keep in check for the past week just flooded back to me.  Last week, when I had the meltdown in front of my English 10 class, I met with two of the counselors, good friends of mine.  They helped me process my emotions and gave me strength to go back into the classroom and not feel like I'm constantly battling with my emotions.  I've been great all week until today.  I'm so tired of crying.  I'm so tired of putting on a brave face, but I really have no choice.  
Needless to say, I was feeling rather blue today and finally decided to read up on some of the blogs I follow.  Jay, of The 2 Week Wait, wrote this in her blog today.  It made me feel better.  Made me feel stronger.  Perhaps it'll do the same for you.

...[H]ow many times have we all done that? Said to ourselves that we are failures? That we are losers? That we’re ashamed? That we can’t do anything right? When are we going to forgive ourselves despite the obvious fact that we haven’t actually done anything wrong in the first place?!?!

More importantly, how can we expect others to show us respect when we can’t show ourselves the respect we so deserve? We are amazing, strong, resilient, supportive women. We subject ourselves to physical and financial strain without any guarantees. We are expected to rejoice for everyone pregnancies without question when so few people go out of their way to support our losses… but we do it. Often. We smile. We buy presents and we hide our pain. We willingly go through hell at the mere promise that we may have a child of our own. We wake up every day, get dressed, function in society no matter what hormones we’re taking, how we’re feeling or what bad news we’ve just been delivered. And yes, we occasionally yell at women pushing strollers but that just means we’re human. We get jealous and resentful but we pick ourselves up over and over and over again and keep going. We are unsung heroes who even in our weaker moments show more strength and courage in one cycle than most people do in an entire lifetime.