Suspended. Delayed. Cold Storage.

It appears I haven't written anything in awhile.  In all honesty, there hasn't been a lot to write about.  I'm not one to ponder on the mundane moments in my life.  If I don't give it a second thought, why would anyone else want to read about it?  Truthfully, it just feels like everything is just moving in slow motion right now.  Like my world is in suspended animation.   


I've spent a lot of my adult life on hold, playing a waiting game of sorts.  I had to wait a long time to get a full time contract - longer than most of my colleagues.  I had a long engagement.  We waited for Sweet Cheeks to get established in his career.  Then we waited a long time to purchase a new home.  And as of late, I've been waiting to get pregnant.  


While I've been waiting, the world has been whizzing by.  Sometimes I feel as though I can join in, but mostly, I just feel like I'm on hold.  It's as if I move from one waiting room to another.  In each room, I take a number a listen with anticipation for it be called.  It never seems to come.  


One more week.  I have one more week on my BCP and then a new waiting game starts.

Just Call Me Grumpzilla

Today I start my birth control pills (BCP).  What?  I thought you were trying to get pregnancy? you ask.  Well, the RE (reproductive endrocrinologist) prescribed them so that we can manipulate my cycle.  At the end of this cycle, when I get my period, we start injections. Ugh...I'm not looking forward to that.  I was hoping to have all the major work (injections, retrieval, transfer) done during Spring Break, but now it looks like all the heavy lifting will be done the week after.  Annoying.  Everything about this whole process is just frigging annoying.  Where's my freaking baby dust?  Why can't anything be simple anymore?  

Yesterday was Sweetheart Day at school.  Every student in the school was given a heart.  The teachers got together and wrote wonderful things for each student.  It was a way to say, "You're special" on Valentine's Day - regardless if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  All 1,110 hearts were taped to the walls of the front foyer so when the students arrived, they found their name and their message.  The kids loved it.  And we staff members weren't left out either.  Students in the Leadership class wrote one for each teacher as well.  I read mine and for some reason, I was disappointed.  Don't get me wrong. It was a funny an inside joke between myself and two of my favourite students.  But I was hoping for something more heartfelt rather than humorous.  They wrote "Though I got a 1 on my provincial exam, I still like you" and "Even though I got a 6 and a 3 on my exam I still like you and miss your hugs."  I know it shouldn't have but reading that kind of put me into a funk all day.  Am I so lacking in self esteem that I need to get strokes from my students?  Ugh....  


I've just felt blue these past few days and I haven't been able to shake it.  I suspect it has nothing to do with the heart and everything to do with my former student teacher announcing her pregnancy on Facebook on Sunday.  Further, it probably has to do with the fact that this last, natural cycle was a bust.  It probably has to do with the fact that Sweet Cheeks is leaving tomorrow for a week in Toronto so that he can find work with another company.  It probably has to do with the fact that money is tight right now and will only get tighter in the coming months.  It has everything to do with the fact that I am not pregnant!  


I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 21 days.         

Today is not a good day

I've been having some difficulty sleeping for the last two weeks.  With hubby's job up in the air and BCP on the horizon, I've been feeling ultra stressed.  Today, I took the day off.  I thought it would help me to relax but instead I've felt more stressed.  I just broke down and sobbed for a good half an hour. It didn't help that I had the documentary "Babies" on in the background while I was doing the dishes.  

For a while there, I thought I would be okay if I didn't have a child.  I don't know so much anymore.  I am scared.  

And the award goes to...

I'm relatively new to blogging so excuse me if I'm not well versed in award giving etiquette.  But I'm always to try something new.  :)  So here goes. 


Thank you to Rosachka for bestowing me with my first award.  You can find her blog at:  Creating our miracle


Rules for accepting this award: 

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself. 
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award. (Hmmm...I don't follow 15 blogs but I did my best to fulfill this duty )
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it


Things about myself:

1)  I love to teach - I've always wanted to be a teacher and love what I do.  I honestly cannot imagine myself doing anything else.  I've had a number of colleagues recommend that I obtain my Masters and go into administration, but I honestly cannot see myself as a principal.  I love being in the classroom too much. 

2)  I love reading - I made a vow to myself this school year that I would read a little bit every day.    Typically, I only read during the breaks - Christmas, Spring, and Summer, but I missed it.  So I promised myself that I would read about 15-30 mins each night.  So far, so good.  I've read more this year than I have in the past few years. 

3) While I love to travel, I want a retirement property on Santorini.  We honeymooned there and we've been back once after that.  While there, it's like time stands still.  It's my "happy place".  

4) I was engaged for 10 years.  My husband and I have been together for 19 years this year and we spent more than half of that engaged.  We wanted to have everything in order before we got married.  Little did we know that all that waiting would lead to us struggling to get pregnant. 

5) I am addicted to Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and am waiting with baited breath for the new Skyward Sword to be released.  Yes, I am a nerd and I am proud of it!

6) My best friend and I have been chums since the sixth grade.  Though we've had our ups and downs over the years, we're there for each other no matter what.  In the past 5 years, we lived about a 5 minute drive away from each other.  Today she received an offer of an interview on the Island.  I'm happy for her, but worried my BFF will be moving away. :(  

7) I worry that I've caused us to be stricken with infertility issues.  I was a bit of a wild child in my late teens and sometimes I feel like it's karma come to bite me in the butt.  I know it's not logical.  We have male factor issues, but still, that thought haunts me.     

That's a little bit of me.  I hope you've found it insightful.  


Now, to pass this award along.....


Journey 2 conceive Please check out her blog.  I dare you not to be inspired by her recent miracle. 


A single journey She is the reason why I started blogging.  Her humour and bravery inspired me and she still continues to do so.  


Shannon's Rainbow  Hers was the first IF blog that I read.  I loved her narrative style and it kept me coming back for more.  


I know I'm supposed to post a bunch more, but think these ones best describe the trials, triumphs and tribulations of infertility.  

Change is good

Last week, Sweet Cheeks's best friend and business partner pulled the rug out from under him.  He announced that he was going to leave the company and moved back to his hometown in Oil Land.  Sweet Cheeks and A  have been working to build up their company for the past five years and have received a number of accolades - both provincially and nationally.  Unfortunately, while the entertainment industry can bring with it some fame and  rewards, it can also be a Sisyphean task to get to the top.  Sweet Cheeks was on his way to the top and now has been derailed.  Last week, he was a mess.  He lost his company and his best friend in one day.  And though this has been a difficult couple of weeks for the both of us, this crisis has lit a fire under his butt.  I like it.    


Within days, he contacted some large production companies out east and next week he's flying out to meet with them to discuss working with them.  I've always wanted him to be more proactive with this company; the majority of the work lay with his business partner.  Sweet Cheeks got lazy.  His buddy A did everything.  Now, Sweet Cheeks has to find the work himself.  He can no longer be complacent and expect things to come to him; he must seek it out.  Ultimately, his goal is to bring in a huge project and have his best friend move back to the Left Coast to work on it.  For me, I would like the financial stability that regular, consistent work can bring.  


Working with one of these big companies may bring in some consistent work, but sadly the entertainment industry is anything but stable.