I didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned thinking about my little embryo. This morning I called the lab 3 times to find out if it survived. My last call was a message stating that we were on the road and that I would appreciate it if she called to let me know that it didn't make it. Well, about 5mins into our drive, the phone ran and our hearts sunk. It didn't make it. On the other end of the line, the embryologist apologised for not calling sooner. She had been with another patient. She was pleased to report that our embryo had made it! I nearly drove off the road! "It survived?!" My husband couldn't believe it either. He was convinced that it wouldn't make it. Needless to say, the drive into the city was full of excitement and anticipation.
The good news didn't stop there. Once we got to the clinic, I saw that it was Dr. R., my favourite doctor, who would be performing the transfer. He is so charming and his bedside manner immediately puts anyone at ease. After it was all done, he stated that the transfer was "as smooth as it gets." Hopefully it works and in 9 months I'll have a little one in my arms.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Yes, my ass looks fat in this.
I've always struggled with my weight. Ever since I was a little girl, I was always been on the pudgy side of things. As an adult, I worked hard to maintain a healthy weight but always lingered in the size 10-14 range. In the past few years, with major changes in work and now with TTC, I've gained weight. A lot of it. About 45 pounds or so. I'm not happy with my weight and quite depressed with my size. In 2004 I ran my first 5k. In 2005 my first 10k. I always hated the first ten minutes of a run but loved the feeling after one. Now, I get winded walking up my stairs. Since last year, my life has been lived in two week increments. Either I'm exercising moderately and waiting to ovulate or I'm in my 2ww and trying not to get my heart rate up too high. It's a vicious circle. I used to love exercising but all I want to do is sit on the couch, sleep in on weekends and eat everything that damages my body and my esteem.
This Wednesday we have the high school commencement ceremony and I literally have nothing to wear. With my body pumped full of estrogen and progesterone right now, even my size 16s are tight. I tried on a few outfits today and broke down in tears of self-loathing. I hate how I look right now and have difficulties looking at myself in the mirror. How the heck am I supposed to sit on stage looking and feeling like this? Sweets is his sweet self telling me I look beautiful but I know I don't. I look like a sausage. Spanx, don't fail me now!
Tomorrow is my FET. I have the number for the lab to find out whether my little guy made it or not. Sweets is not optimistic. I'm trying to be. We've discussed whether we want to push for another round of IVF immediately or wait until August. I'm of two minds. I would love to get things back on track right away and start injections. On the other hand, I would like to give my body a break and wait until August. In that time, I can work out, lose some weight, save up some money and possibly gain some of my esteem back. I don't know. We'll see. Hopefully we won't have to consider IVF because my little singleton will survive and thrive inside of me.
This Wednesday we have the high school commencement ceremony and I literally have nothing to wear. With my body pumped full of estrogen and progesterone right now, even my size 16s are tight. I tried on a few outfits today and broke down in tears of self-loathing. I hate how I look right now and have difficulties looking at myself in the mirror. How the heck am I supposed to sit on stage looking and feeling like this? Sweets is his sweet self telling me I look beautiful but I know I don't. I look like a sausage. Spanx, don't fail me now!
Tomorrow is my FET. I have the number for the lab to find out whether my little guy made it or not. Sweets is not optimistic. I'm trying to be. We've discussed whether we want to push for another round of IVF immediately or wait until August. I'm of two minds. I would love to get things back on track right away and start injections. On the other hand, I would like to give my body a break and wait until August. In that time, I can work out, lose some weight, save up some money and possibly gain some of my esteem back. I don't know. We'll see. Hopefully we won't have to consider IVF because my little singleton will survive and thrive inside of me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Gearing up for FET
An early morning wake up call.
An hour drive to Women's Hospital with traffic and an accident on the highway.
Concerns about my TSH levels.
A bit of a stressful morning today.
During my IVF cycle, I endeavoured to be the first person in line each morning, as the wait could be quite long for the ultrasound. Thankfully there were only 3 women ahead. Unfortunately, I recognized one of the women from my IVF cycle. She was cycling at the same time. Sad to know that it didn't work for her either.
To avoid sitting and waiting in the ultrasound waiting room, I detoured to the front office and forked over my VISA for the $1000 fee for the FET. Yikes. While a thousand dollars is nothing in comparison to the costs of IVF, things have been slow for Sweets since his business partner quit. Although his move to the two, more prestigious, companies brought with it optimism, he has yet to work with these new companies. Tiny projects here and there, but still, no significant pay cheques since December. Needless to say, infertility and financial woes does not make for a stress-free life. Thankfully, things appear to be picking up for him.
The wait in the ultrasound section wasn't too long. I was pleased to see my favourite nurse and doctor present today. She was full of smiles and encouragement during my IVF cycle. She's like a cinnamon bun - comforting, gooey, and warm. And Dr. R's bed side manner set me at ease. I reminded him of his comment of my "Mick Jagger smile" uterus. He actually appeared to be embarrassed when I mentioned it. I reassured him that it brought levity to a stressful situation and I was grateful for his humour.
All in all, the ultrasound went well. My ovaries were "perfectly normal" according to Dr. R. My uterine lining was at 9mm. While finishing up, I mentioned to the doctor that my last blood test demonstrated an increase in my TSH. His concern was quite obvious; it was written all over his face. He made sure that the nurses double checked with the lab that they were testing my T3 and T4 levels as well, but he asked that I check in with the nurses before I left. Just a few hours ago, I received the "We're good to go" phone call. I guess I can assume that my blood work came back a-okay.
Sunday's the day. While my emotions are still heightened, I'm not as invested in this process as I was with IVF which is totally understandable. Now, hopefully, my little guy will survive the thaw and in 9 months time, make me a mommy.
Wish me luck.
Send me prayers.
And I promise to do the same for you.
An hour drive to Women's Hospital with traffic and an accident on the highway.
Concerns about my TSH levels.
A bit of a stressful morning today.
During my IVF cycle, I endeavoured to be the first person in line each morning, as the wait could be quite long for the ultrasound. Thankfully there were only 3 women ahead. Unfortunately, I recognized one of the women from my IVF cycle. She was cycling at the same time. Sad to know that it didn't work for her either.
To avoid sitting and waiting in the ultrasound waiting room, I detoured to the front office and forked over my VISA for the $1000 fee for the FET. Yikes. While a thousand dollars is nothing in comparison to the costs of IVF, things have been slow for Sweets since his business partner quit. Although his move to the two, more prestigious, companies brought with it optimism, he has yet to work with these new companies. Tiny projects here and there, but still, no significant pay cheques since December. Needless to say, infertility and financial woes does not make for a stress-free life. Thankfully, things appear to be picking up for him.
The wait in the ultrasound section wasn't too long. I was pleased to see my favourite nurse and doctor present today. She was full of smiles and encouragement during my IVF cycle. She's like a cinnamon bun - comforting, gooey, and warm. And Dr. R's bed side manner set me at ease. I reminded him of his comment of my "Mick Jagger smile" uterus. He actually appeared to be embarrassed when I mentioned it. I reassured him that it brought levity to a stressful situation and I was grateful for his humour.
All in all, the ultrasound went well. My ovaries were "perfectly normal" according to Dr. R. My uterine lining was at 9mm. While finishing up, I mentioned to the doctor that my last blood test demonstrated an increase in my TSH. His concern was quite obvious; it was written all over his face. He made sure that the nurses double checked with the lab that they were testing my T3 and T4 levels as well, but he asked that I check in with the nurses before I left. Just a few hours ago, I received the "We're good to go" phone call. I guess I can assume that my blood work came back a-okay.
Sunday's the day. While my emotions are still heightened, I'm not as invested in this process as I was with IVF which is totally understandable. Now, hopefully, my little guy will survive the thaw and in 9 months time, make me a mommy.
Wish me luck.
Send me prayers.
And I promise to do the same for you.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
39
Today is my birthday. I'm 39 years old. My life is good. I have a husband whom I adore, a home I love, a family I cherish. On top of that I have an inspiring job, friends who support me, and kitties that make me smile every day. Yet, I'm living a life unfulfilled. I want to be a mother. That's my birthday wish. A baby before I'm 40. Please?
I've been on the patches for a week now. Though I'm not noticing any emotional shifts, my body feels like it's expanding with each day. I feel so freaking bloated. I hate it Today, I just wanted to peel off my all my clothes. Everything is pulling in the wrong direction. It felt as if my breasts were going to burst from my bra. That would go over well with 15 year old boys!
Ugh...Soon I increase it to 4 patches. I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be feeling then. At least if I was pregnant, I would have a reason to be bloated and fat. But I'm not, so I don't.
On the plus side, a coworker and I have been working out together and are going to start walking everyday after work. So I'm going to fight this weight gain/bloat as best I can. Wish me luck!
I've been on the patches for a week now. Though I'm not noticing any emotional shifts, my body feels like it's expanding with each day. I feel so freaking bloated. I hate it Today, I just wanted to peel off my all my clothes. Everything is pulling in the wrong direction. It felt as if my breasts were going to burst from my bra. That would go over well with 15 year old boys!
Ugh...Soon I increase it to 4 patches. I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be feeling then. At least if I was pregnant, I would have a reason to be bloated and fat. But I'm not, so I don't.
On the plus side, a coworker and I have been working out together and are going to start walking everyday after work. So I'm going to fight this weight gain/bloat as best I can. Wish me luck!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Patching it up
Waiting is the name of the game when it comes to dealing with infertility treatments. We wait for our periods. We wait for ovulation. We wait for our betas. We wait and wait and wait. This cycle I had to wait an extra week for my period to arrive. Thankfully she did arrive yesterday, with full force. So finally I get to start the next phase of my infertility "journey" (more like a marathon).
Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week. It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer. Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again. Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus. The patches continue until the beta.
Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists. I'm most anxious about my little frostie. I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing. I only have one! We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer. The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed. Please, please, please God. Please let him survive the thaw. Please.
On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH. Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work. My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated. As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell). According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia. Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie. Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2! I have a family history of hypothryoid. My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it. Joy. Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well. I
It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately. But I will soldier on. What other choice do I have?
Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week. It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer. Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again. Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus. The patches continue until the beta.
Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists. I'm most anxious about my little frostie. I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing. I only have one! We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer. The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed. Please, please, please God. Please let him survive the thaw. Please.
On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH. Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work. My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated. As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell). According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia. Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie. Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2! I have a family history of hypothryoid. My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it. Joy. Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well. I
It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately. But I will soldier on. What other choice do I have?
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mother Nature is a tease *Update*
My period is three days late. My period is never late. The latest it's ever been was two days and even then, the flow started to happen the evening of the second day. Here I am on day three, and still no spotting. I've been having mild cramping on and off over the past week. Even with my IVF cycle, even with all the medications I was on, my period arrived on time, 5 days before my beta appointment. I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been so disappointed in the past. I honestly don't think I'm pregnant, but of course I hope I am. My husband has been out of town for the past week for work, and I haven't informed him of AF being MIA. Not only does he need to focus on his work, but I don't want to get him too excited, only to be disappointed if AF arrives. Also, I've avoided home pregnancy tests because I don't want to be crushed. In my odd way of thinking, POAS would mean that I think there's an actual chance that I'm pregnant. Like I would be jinxing it and then it would never happen. Surely this evening, AF will arrive; I'll allow myself a little cry and mourn the loss of yet another cycle. But for now, I would like to remain in this moment of possibilities of "if" for a little longer.If this natural cycle is a bust, I start my FET cycle. I've got the Estradot and Crinone ready to go. Here's hoping that I won't be needing them.
**Update**
Still no AF. Five days late. I took two cheapy HPT this morning = BFN. I've been reading up on it on fertility boards and this appears to be pretty routine. Most women, after an IVF cycle, are late for their second cycle. One poster mentioned that AF is typically 7 days to two weeks late. Ugh! Tomorrow I will be calling my RE's office to find out what I should be doing. Do I start the meds? Do I wait until AF? I just want to get started with this cycle.
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