Holiday, hurricane, and hope

I seem to have this horrible habit of hiding after an unsuccessful cycle.  While I know that I should use this space as a place to vent and to express myself, for some reason I choose to hide and repress.  I haven't really thought too much about the chemical pregnancy.  I avoid talking about it.  I don't know if it's my coping mechanism but I don't want to talk about it.  When I do, it's almost like an aside.  I bring it up in a casual "Oh yah, and I had a miscarriage."  How messed up am I?  

I haven't had my WTF appointment with my RE yet.  He's on holidays and doesn't get back until the 10th.  So I have to call then to make my next appointment.  I would like to do my next fresh cycle in November.  I know that this cycle didn't end the way I hoped, but I have to focus on the fact that for the first time ever, I actually got pregnant.  It is possible for me to get pregnant.

I would like to say that my holiday was relaxing and completely enjoyable but it wasn't.  Turns out we were right in the path of Hurricane Ernesto.  In fact, the day the hurricane hit, I started to bleed.  Good times.  I quite enjoy storms - rain storms, thunder storms, wind storms.  So to experience a hurricane was quite interesting.

On the bulletin from the hotel, we were informed that we were to stay in our room from 9pm to 7:30am.  And in the case of the patio door being blown out, we were to put our mattress up against the blown out door and hide in the bathroom.  Great advice except that the wall between our sleeping area and the bathroom had a huge window as well.  It was a fitful night of sleep - the wind and rain thundered down all night.  By the time we woke up, it was still windy, but quite beautiful.  From what I read, there was very little damage done to the surrounding communities and I don't believe that there were any casualties.  Thank goodness.

Beautiful.

Miscarriage and hurricane aside, the rest of the trip consisted of lounging by the pool, drinking copious amounts of alcohol (I think I've had my share of mojitos, lime margaritas, and icebergs - corona w/ lime margarita - for the rest of the year!), swimming with the turtles, and indulging on tasty food.  The resort was beautiful and the service was excellent.  Next time, I must go with my husband.  It was fun but it just didn't feel right without him there.

It hasn't been a relaxing summer.  Normally at this time of year, I feel recharged and ready to teach.  Unfortunately, I don't feel well rested.  I'm exhausted and I hope that doesn't bite me in the butt and I end up burning out this year.
  
       

Different ranges?

I am obsessing.  I know that I'm obsessing.  


Dr. Goo.gle has both been a shining light and a dismal corridor when it comes to researching betas.  What I wonder about is why the huge difference in HCG ranges?  


The lab that did my test has the following for their point of reference.


0 - 1 Week: 5-50 
1 - 2 Weeks: 40-300
2 - 3 Weeks: 100-10003 - 4 Weeks: 500-6000


Now, is this according to the last menstrual period or ovulation?  It does not specify.  If it's post ovulation, then I would fall in the 1-2 week range.  If it's according to my cycle, then my beta is far too low to be considered viable.          


Then I found the BC Biomedical Reference guide for all their tests.  Currently I'm about 4 weeks from my last menstrual period (LMP).  


Here are their ranges. 



Time after LMP Expected Range
3rd week (6-71)
4th week (10-750)
5th week (217-7138)


I don't get it.  Why such a difference?    


I hope to God that I can get a second beta on Saturday.  It sucks being in limbo.  

Virgin mojitos it is!

I caved and purchased a HPT today from Wa.lm.art.  It was on a whim as I was buying items for my Mexico trip.  

Didn't expect to see this!  Sweets wanted me to wait.  So I didn't tell him that I bought the test.  In fact, I quickly brought the bag upstairs before he could look in my purchases.  After the lines changed, I came downstairs crying.  His automatic instinct was "She got her period."  He didn't expect me to say, "We're pregnant."  

Of course I'm still cautious.  It's only 4 weeks and a lot can happen between now and 8 months.  Heck.  A lot can happen between today and my beta on Thursday.  

This is the first time I've ever, ever seen two freaking lines.  It makes me feel good to know that at least I can get pregnant.  

I can get pregnant.  

I am pregnant. 

 Holy shit.   

Holy Shit!  Do you see it too? 12dp3dt

Over Before It Got Started?

Sweets thinks I'm a pessimist. Perhaps I am. I think this cycle maybe already be over. Now before you scoff let me tell you what just happened.

Having just woken up from a nice nap with my kitties, I jumped from the couch and went upstairs to insert my Endometrin. I noticed some blood on the applicator. No big deal. Spotting is to be expected after all that messing about down there. I proceeded downstairs, washed some of the fresh blueberries we just purchased and sat down to read my email. Suddenly, I started cramping. And then the cramps got more and more intense. These were cramps like I've never experienced before. My heart pounded. My skin became drenched in sweat. I couldn't catch my breath. I was writhing on the floor in pain. To cool myself down I literally crawled into shower with my clothes on. I was too hot, in too much pain, to bother to disrobe.

Sweets felt helpless. He couldn't comfort me in any way so he called the clinic.

By the time the nurse called back, my pain had subsided. After asking a couple of questions, she felt that perhaps when I put in the Endometrin in I may have hit my cervix. With the jolt, the cervix reacted and hence then cramps. She called the cramps a "mechanical" reaction. Of course my worry was that the cramps were enough to expell the embryos. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no. All she said was that the cramps would have to be pretty violent (they were!) in order to expell them. She did provide the bread and jam analogy to try to make me feel better, but ended the conversation with "Regardless, it's out of your hands." Ugh.

Yes it's out of my hands but man, I wonder if I messed up already.

Embryos on board

You know those stickers that families have on the back on their cars? The ones that depict the whole family including the dog and cat? I want to get stickers of embryos. I don't have kids (yet) but hey I've got embryos! I wonder how people would react if all people who had ART had embie stickers?

It doesn't matter what time of day, the traffic in the lower mainland sucks. In fact, we have the worst traffic in all Canada and second worst in North America. So sure enough, in true YVR style, there was an accident on the #1 highway and so we had to take another route to the clinic. Thanks to google maps, we made it there 25 mins early. I hate waiting especially when my bladder is full and I am ready to rock this FET party!

As I mentioned in my previous post, there are a number of difference between my old public clinic and the new private one. The other one felt like a hospital. For transfer, I would put on hospital gowns. At this clinic, it was a nice sarong type skirt. Sweets used to have to change and put on scrubs; here he simply had to put on botties over his shoes. After a transfer at the old clinic, the RE would put the progesterone in for me; with,the new clinic, I went to the washroom immediately after transfer and put in the progesterone myself. At my old clinic, I rested on the table for 30 mins; at new clinic, I was escorted out and the next patient was escorted in. Some technological differences include watching them suck the embryos out of the petri dish and watching them transfer the embryos via ultrasound. My old clinic didn't do that. I guess when it's privately funded and not publicly, more tech can be purchased? And while everyone at this new clinic has been wonderful, it definitely feels like a business. No complaints really but just noticing the differences.

I'm pleased to say that the transfer is complete. Two embryos are on board. The beta is August 2 which is 3 days before my trip to Mexico. Virgin mojitos, here I come!

Picture Perfect

Morning came far too soon. Because I'm at a new clinic, I can't take my old route into the city. Well, I can but it would be a round about way of getting to,the clinic. Anyway, I had to get up at 5:30am so that I could get on the road in time to avoid the incredible gridlock that occurs on the #1. Good call because unlike my last few visits to the clinic where I arrived late, I was actually 20 mins early.

Everything was foreign. Having been at the same clinic for almost two years, I felt a bit out of sorts. I've had countless ultrasounds, but I felt like the whole process was alien. Even the nurse remarked, "You look worried." I was worried. Being the control freak that I am, I felt concerned that I didn't know how they did things. While the changerooms were nice, the flimsy paper wrap they gave me wouldn't cover my big butt. Ugh. It took me a bit to figure out how to not flash everyone my bottom. At my old clinic we were given large sheets to wrap ourselves in. Once I was in the ultrasound room, I felt more comfortable. And wow! What a space. The ultrasound room was massive in comparison to my old clinic's. At least twice the size if not more. And the table for my feet actually mechanically went up and down. Plus, they had air conditioning! I guess that's the difference between public vs. private clinic, eh?

The ultrasound literally took a minute or so. The doctor took a quick look and said, "Great uterus. Perfect. Picture perfect in fact. Ovaries are quiet, just how we want them." And that was it. Had a quick chat with the nurse about my medication and set the date. Thursday I head into the clinic for my transfer. At my old clinic, they transferred without the ultrasound (public clinic, remember?) so this will be my first transfer with a full bladder. I have a tiny bladder so I'm not looking forward to the drive into the city. Not at all.

I also asked the nurse if it was a problem for me to travel to Mexico if I get pregnant. She stated emphatically "No." Good to know. My BFF seemed a little annoyed that I was transferring before we left. She thought I would hold off until I returned. With my cycle, however, we wouldn't be able to transfer until Septemer if we waited. I've had enough of waiting. My beta will be a couple of days before my trip. So either I'll be happily drinking virgin mojitos or getting sloshed to drown my sorrows.

Now back to the "picture perfect uterus." If my lining/uterus is so awesome, why can't I get pregnant? Are all our embryos just crap? All of them? It's frustrating.

Happy 145th Canada!

I love Canada Day.  I love Canada.  When teaching History and Social Studies, I am so incredibly grateful to live in this wonderful, peaceful nation.  Of course there are things I would love to change, but when you consider the economic free fall in Greece and the civil war in Syria, gosh darn it.  We're freaking lucky to live in Canada.  Yes, my mortgage is astronomical but at least I have a beautiful home.  Yes, I pay a lot in taxes, but I don't have to worry about losing my home if I get sick.  Yes, the weather sucks, but hey, I live in a lush rain forest with gorgeous mountains and fresh air.  There are so many wonderful things in this country.  If you watched the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics, you may recall Shane Koyczan's "We Are More."  Here is an abridged version of his fabulous poem.      

Now on to the baby making business.  I had my biopsy a couple of weeks ago (holy ow!) and have transported the embryos to the new clinic.  Biggest bump so far?  The new clinic likes its patients to have a TSH below 2.5.  My TSH have been all over the map.  I had it tested about 3 weeks ago and it was 2.9 but after 3 weeks of synthyroid, it went up to 3.4.  WTF?  Seriously?  I had a momentary break down thinking that my FET would be pushed back yet again, but thankfully we'll be able to proceed.  The doctor had me up my medications a little.  Let's hope that does the trick.  The protocol is a little different from my original clinic.  Rather than patches, I'll be taking a pill.  The progesterone is still vaginal suppositories but it's a different brand than what I've used in the past.  I have an estimated transfer date of the 18th.  I'll be interested to see how my body reacts to the different medication. 


Between now and transfer, I have summer school start up, a 6th birthday party to attend, and a wedding to go to.   With summer school, I'm teaching English 8, which I haven't taught since 2005, and English 11, which I've never taught.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends/colleagues who have given me a lot of their lesson plans so I'm not completely starting from scratch.  There is a lot to keep me preoccupied before transfer.  I hope everything goes well and there are no set backs!


Happy Canada Day everyone!      


  





  

Excellent On Paper

It's been a busy week and finally I can breathe a sigh of relief.  The toast to the grads went really well.  I really hate public speaking but I was willing to suck it up for these students.  I did mention the students who had created the care package for me and thanked them for that.  My goal was to be vague about the circumstances surrounding it.  Rather than saying that I suffered from a failed IVF cycle, I stated that I was going through one of the darkest moments in my life and that their kind gesture will stay with me forever.  After the speech, the girls ran up to me with tears in their eyes and we shared a massive group hug.  One of their mothers, who is also a nurse, came up to me and thanked me.  I divulged to her the circumstances of my sadness and said to her, "You have no clue how much that small gesture from your daughter meant to me."  Such a wonderful group of kids.  I'm going to miss them.  I love teaching.  

Seriously, what a view!

I received an early morning phone call on Thursday.  Our new doctor, Dr. N.  wanted to know if we could come in earlier for our appointment.  Sweets is a night owl so I was a little concerned that he wouldn't be up in time.  Thankfully that wasn't an issue and we got to all of our appointments on time.  And wow, what a difference in real estate when you're going from a public clinic, an old wing in a hospital with tiny windowless offices, to a private clinic, prime downtown real estate with amazing views of the city and mountains.  Dr. N. was great.  Very genial and on the ball.  I've been concerned with my thyroid levels for a while but the REs at the other clinic didn't seem to think it was a problem.  Dr. N.  immediately flagged it in my chart.  My TSH level was 3.7 last time (it's been as high as 5.2) and ideally it should be no higher than 2.5  So could this be my problem?  Hypothyroidism runs rampant in my family - my father, mother, aunts, grandparents...  And now finally someone is listening to me.  

Dr. N.  looked at my last cycle and stated that everything looked "excellent on paper."  Great that it all looks good on paper, but will I get pregnant?  According to Dr. N., he feels that I'll get pregnant.  But that's what my origin RE said too.  And here I am 2 IVFs, 2 FETs, and 9 embryos later.  Still no baby.  

But I'm hopeful.  Apparently Dr. N was recruited from a clinic from the States.  And from all the comments I read about him online.  Past patients state that he's kind, compassionate, attentive.  But I just want to know, will he make me a mother?  

We'll be doing an endometrial biopsy on the 22nd and either that day or the next week, I'll pick up my embryos from the other clinic and ship them over to the new clinic.  Right now, it looks like we're going to be transferring the last two embryos in early July.  My BFF suggested I wait until after our girls' 40th birthday trip to Mexico for the transfer but looking at my cycle, that would put off the transfer until September and I'm not prepared to wait that long.  I've waited long enough and she doesn't understand that.   She doesn't want kids.  Never has.  So while she's there to support me that comment of "Wait until after Mexico" shows me that she really has no bloody clue how painful this process is.   Just goes to show that even those who support you really are ignorant to how much trauma infertility can cause.

With that said, I feel cautiously optimistic.  Dr. N. has put got me thinking "maybe one day" rather than the "never" I've been feeling.  And I would like to be really positive and know that it'll all work out, but I know what pain can be waiting for me if things don't.  

New adventures and some silly struggles

Tomorrow I meet my new doctor.  I had hoped that my original clinic would be up and running soon, but unfortunately the IVF lab has been completely shut down as a result of poor air quality.  So tomorrow we're off to the new clinic.  I'm a little nervous, but quite hopeful.  This clinic is quite well known nationally, the RE I'm meeting with is American and has great reviews, and the people I know who have been to this clinic have been successful.  I hope they can work their magic and get my last two embryos to stick.  I'll update my blog once I have a better idea of what the protocol is and when this is going to happen (I'm day 2 of my cycle right now! Argh!).  


In other news,  I've been nominated by the graduating class to give the toast to the grads on Friday.  I've known about this for a month and have been constructing the speech mentally but I've been having a lot of problems articulating my ideas on paper.  When the principal informed me that the grads had asked me to speak at the ceremony, she mentioned that they knew that I would deliver it with a lot of emotion.  I teach from the heart and often I show emotion in the class when moved.  Yes, there are often tears in my class.   How do I bundle all my love and appreciation for this group in a short speech?  After my first IVF failure, a group of girls saw my pain and made me a care package.  So incredibly thoughtful and I still tear up thinking about it.  How do I share that without sharing the reason for my pain?  Ugh....Writer's block!  It has to be funny, touching, thoughtful.  I'm usually the type of person who wings speeches but this is one speech that cannot be winged.  What to do?  What to do?  

What to do?

Since my appointment with Dr. R earlier in the year, I've been in a holding pattern.  In our conversation, I was told that I would have to wait until the end of April for my FET.  I was disappointed as I was hoping to get in during April but I sucked it up and dealt with it.  Well, I called in day 1 of my cycle today and received another disappointment.  The renovations haven't been completed and they have no clue when they'll be completed.  So FET #3 is once again put on hold.  The nurse, while incredibly apologetic, essentially gave me two options.  Wait until the renovations are done or have my embryos transferred to another clinic.  

What do I do?  I felt so encouraged by my appointment with Dr. R.  I really felt confident with his assessment of my situation and thought that his plan was what I needed (full endometrial biopsy + injection day of transfer to stop cramping).  Regardless, I'll have to wait for the referral to go through if I go to another clinic.  I'll have to wait for the lab to be renovated.  I don't know what to do.  With  my 40th birthday coming up next week, my anxiety is through the room.  Will I ever be a mom?  <sigh>  I hate this shit.  

Hope Springs Eternal

True be told, I've had a bit of a sh*tty day.  Our provincial government has decided to legislate a contract on teachers which essentially strips any class size legislation, autonomy regarding professional development, seniority....and more.  So crappy.  On days like this, I honestly question why I'm a teacher.  But that's not what this post is about.  On to better news.  

Image courtesy of Google Images.

I had my quicky appointment with Dr. R today.  While I appreciated Dr. C., Dr. R. was a breath of fresh air.  He looked over my file and essentially came up with a plan of attack.  There are four things we're going to do differently for my FET.  First off, I have to get my thyroid checked.  It's been checked in the past but since I have a family history of hypothyroidism in my family plus after my first IVF cycle, my thyroid levels were out of whack.  Second, I have to get a sonohysterogram at some point this week.  Third, he wants to perform a full uterine biopsy or as he said it "a four corner scrape".  Dr. C. did one but he didn't do the full biopsy.  When Dr. C did it, it hurt like a son-of-a-gun and that was only a partial scrape.  What's this one going to feel like?  Ouch!  Lastly, the day of the transfer, I will be given an injection which will prevent my uterus from contracting.  He reassured me that the fact that I only have a day of flow isn't an issue.  Apparently, the more important factor is the length of my cycle.  When that changes, then there are complicates.  Thankfully, I'm still like clockwork when it comes to AF.  I also mentioned that I'm concerned about my age.  He rebutted with "You're not old.  You're a project."  Normally, I wouldn't take it too kindly to be called "a project" but when he said those words, I almost burst into tears in his office.  Like many who have been on this horrible, depressing path, I've been feeling pretty hopeless about TTC.  This meeting with Dr. R has given me hope.  I haven't had that in a while.  

Fitting in?

The day after I made my appointment with Dr. R. the clinic called to let me know that they could fit me in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's to my benefit or not as he is squeezing me into a 15 min slot.  Can we have a meaningful conversation in such a short time?  I hope so.  On the positive side of things, I'm thankful that I can get started a month sooner in preparation for the next FET.  So rather than waiting until March 26th, I'm getting in almost a month earlier.     

Cartoon Courtesy of
Google Images

Speaking of fitting in, another blogger, Michaela, posted an eloquent piece about being an Outsider and how those who have been on this infertility journey for a while become war weary.  Her post spoke to me.  When I found out that we needed help conceiving, I felt alone and as if no one would understand me.  Then I discovered the IF community online.  I found women who knew exactly how I felt.  My need to belong and to be understood was fulfilled.  But as the months passed, as my treatments continued and failed, I became quite jaded.  Still am.  The IF forums no longer fulfilled my need for understanding and belonging.  What changed?  I don't know.  All I know to be true is that infertility has changed me.  My heart has been broken in ways that I never could have imagined.  I've cried more than I ever thought possible.    


Years ago, my mother took me to a psychic fair.  For my 21st birthday, my mother paid for my palm to be read.  After carefully inspecting the lines on my palm, the palm reader predicted that would have three sons.  I recall being so shocked and dismayed.  "I could never have three boys!" I exclaimed to my mother.  Shame on my fertile loins! The prospect of having three boys frightened me and I was adamant that it would never happen.  Little did I know that my words would become reality.  Now, when I think about my fertility, the glass is definitely half empty.  In a few short months, I'll hit the dreaded 40 and we all know what that means for a woman's fertility.  May as well sound the death knell of my ovaries!  Am I being pragmatic or am I putting up a defense against the failure and disappointment?  Perhaps a little of both.     

What to do next?

Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next.  Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3  but I'm not ready.  Not ready emotionally, physically or financially.  I want to take a break from infertility.  Just for a little while.  Is that possible?  I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.  


I'm going to take the next few months off.  Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET.  My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.  


Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work.  I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments.  I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner.  I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.


If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET.  Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF.  We simply cannot afford another round at this point.  I've been thinking about IUIs with injections.  Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low.  But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option.  While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF.  Hopefully the RE will agree. 


Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what?  Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption.  With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother.  I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind.  Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents.  That just kills me.  I so want to make them grandparents.  It pains me that they're not.  It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant.  Argh....  Life sucks sometimes.      

So tired...

of all this infertility bullshit.  You think I would be used to another negative beta, but no.  It's as painful as the first.  


Five IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 FETs and 9 embryos later and all I've got is a fat ass.  I don't know how much more my heart can take.  

Keeping myself busy

Last Sunday, I had my second FET.  It was incredibly routine, nothing out of the ordinary.  The RE was wonderful.  Before this transfer, I hadn't met her in my year at the clinic.  At the day 14 ultrasound, she remarked that I had a beautiful uterus and that my follicles looked good - that I had 6.  I guess that's pretty good?  I don't know.  On the day of the transfer, she was so incredibly thorough when doing the transfer that it took longer than previous ones.  Nothing wrong with being meticulous when you have such precious cargo.  

 As I was being wheeled into the recovery room to relax, the embryologist said, "You're lucky that you had Dr. W.  She's an excellent surgeon."  So here's hoping that Dr. W had the magic touch and one of my 3 little guys has implanted.  

Though everything seemed okay, I was a little concerned that there was some cell loss with two of the embryos.  All three were 3 day 8 cell embryos - 1 was grade 1 and 2 were grade 2.  After thawing, one was still perfect, but the other two experienced loss.  One went from 8 cells to 4 and the other to 2.  The embryologist indicated that they were recovering though so hopefully they continued to split and grow. 

I've been keeping myself pretty busy in the meantime.  In the past I would have taken a couple days off after the transfer to relax but while my body would have been relaxing, my mind would have been stressing out about what was going on at school.  So I made the decision to just relax the day of the transfer and then go back to work.  I think that was the best decision I made. Other than changing patches and putting prometrium up my who ha, I honestly haven't been thinking too much about it.  I'm just trying to go about my day as if nothing had happened.  

Actually it's been so off my mind that there were two mishaps.  The night of the transfer was quite cold.  I turned on the heating pad and put it on my feet.  Sometime, in the middle of the night, I had pulled the heating pad on my torso.  When I woke up I had a mild freak out thinking that I had cooked my embryos.  I didn't feel overheated so I'm crossing my fingers.  Further, the other night I was watching a tv program when it hit me that I hadn't changed my patches that day.  Argh!  I zoomed up the stairs and quickly replaced my patches.  Not much I can do now about it, so I'm trying not to stress.

My beta is on Halloween.  Here's hoping I get a nice treat that day and not another soul deadening trick.     

Well..that was uncomfortable

Like any good infertile, I googled the crap out of endometrial biopsy.  The reactions to the procedure varied from "that was uncomfortable" to "Oh mother of God this hurts".  As you can imagine, my mind immediately went to the "this is going to hurt like a mo'fo" side of things.  Driving in today, I was terrified.  Sweets is in pre-production on a project and could join me so I was on my own today.  

The clinic was hopping.  There were a ton of people there.  Apparently they've just opened up the clinic to a new program "Pelvic Pain" so I assume a number of the people there were not for fertility treatments but rather pain management or relief.  I had a bit of a wait so the new demographic in the clinic allowed for some interesting people watching. 

Dr. C and I chatted for a bit.  I asked him a few more questions regarding more blood work (immunology) as well as the biopsy.  He didn't feel that immunity was our issue.  And while there is no conclusive evidence that biopsies lead to better implantation numbers, he would perform the procedure because I asked.  Further, he feels that within the next two attempts, I will get pregnant.  He was confident in fact.  I wish I was as confident as him!

The procedure was super quick but quite uncomfortable.  He scraped my uterus 5 times.  It was if someone took a window scraper and used it to remove the frost inside me.  Ugh... With the first application of the instrument, my uterus cramped up and I immediately started perspiring.  Thankfully it only lasted a few minutes.  If it continued much longer, I think I would have been incredibly vocal about my pain.  As soon as the procedure was over, the cramps subsided.  While I'm still experiencing some cramping right now, it's incredibly mild. 

Dr. C is starting up his own private clinic.  Tomorrow is his last day.  He encouraged me to remain at my current clinic for my FETs; however, if they are not successful, he stated that if I wanted to move to his clinic, no referral would be necessary.  Though I haven't been successful with him, I do trust him.  Granted, he's incredibly cerebral, a little awkward and goofy, he has an excellent reputation in the IF community.  I feel quite comfortable at my clinic, but I think that if we have to do IVF #3, we'll be moving to Dr. C's new clinic. 


I had to wait a while for my nurse's appointment regarding the FET protocol.  It's the same protocol as before so nothing to report there.  

The highlight of my visit today?  My clinic mom Ra.vi was there today. :)  She's awesome.  As soon as she saw me, she gave me one of those million dollar smiles and asked how I was doing.  Since there was a backlog of patients today, I had to wait a while to see the nurse.  During my wait, Ra.vi offered me some of her homemade curry and naan.  Delicious!  Love Indian food.  On my way out, Ra.vi was going on her break.  We rode down on the elevator today and she gave me a huge hug before exiting.  
She made my day. :)   

So the story goes....

I had my WTF appointment today.  Unfortunately I had to miss one of my favourite lesson plans on Stalin and the Purges today because I couldn't get a later appointment.  Argh...I hate planning for a TOC (Teacher on Call).  It's always double the work to plan for someone else.

Dr. C was rather prompt which was unusual.  He typically runs about 15 mins late.  We went over my latest failure.  I know that fertility isn't an exact science, but it's a little frustrating when your RE looks at your charts and doesn't know why you're not getting pregnant.  My follicles developed at a uniform rate which is what they want.  Of the 12 retrieved, 10 fertilized.  All but 1 of our 10 eggs were 8 cells on day 3.  The majority were either grade 1 or 2 with only one grade 4. Even Sweets's count was the highest it's ever been.  When we first started down this path a year ago, his samples were in the 1 to 5 million range.  We kept telling ourselves, "It takes only one."  This time his sample was at 48 million.  Huge difference!  Morphology appears to be the main issue now with his numbers being "borderline" as my RE put it.  This cycle, for the most part, was an excellent cycle.  The only problem was that it wasn't successful.  And my RE doesn't know why.  I suppose we can now be moved from the "Male Factor" category to the "Unexplained" category. 

He seemed a bit rushed today, so I had to slow him down so that he could answer my questions.  The main thing I wanted to know was whether an endometrial biopsy would be beneficial.  He stated that there is no conclusive evidence that it's beneficial as there have been only limited studies done on this.  However, if I wanted to get one done, he would do it.  That was easy.  So on Thursday I'm going in (missing another freaking day of work!) to get my uterus scraped.  I'm sure it's as painful as it sounds.  With all the torture I've put my body through, I hope to God that my baby when he/she is older appreciates the havoc my body has endured!

      

Sucks to be me...

Beta came back negative.

Sunshine and disappointment

It appears that spring has finally arrived in southern British Columbia.  For the past few days, we've experienced relatively good weather.  Sweets and I have enjoyed our afternoons and evenings gardening in our little backyard.  Since the weather has been so great, we finally picked up a love seat his parents have been holding on for us.  It's been a while since I've driven a pick-up, especially in lower mainland traffic, but we survived the trip there and back and neither the love seat nor the truck were damaged. However, I think I screwed up.  I was expecting Sweets's father to help us with the love seat, but I forgot that he injured his back.  So I helped move the love seat.  It was light; it was super easy to move and I felt no strain in lifting it.  But I'm not supposed to pick up heavy items during this two week wait.  And I did.  I think I fucked up.  What if my momentary lapse has lead to this cycle being a bust?

I've been having cramps on and on literally since the transfer.  I took a home pregnancy test 9 days after transfer and it was a BFN.  My period was due around the 8th, and it's not here yet.  But, my period was a week late last time.  It's been two weeks today since my transfer and this morning I woke with intensified cramps. Not painful, but more "present" than the previous cramps I've been experiencing.  Every time I've had a treatment, my period either arrived two weeks after the treatment or on the day my period was due.  I guess I'm on schedule as I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period today.  

  

POAS this morning

It was a BFN.  I'm hoping it's too soon.  It was a cheapo dollar HPT so hopefully it's not sensitive enough to detect low levels of HCG.  But, I'm still cramping.  It is a bit strange.  It's constant and kind of in the upper part of my tummy.  I bet you tomorrow I'll be greeted by spotting.  Argh.