So tired...

of all this infertility bullshit.  You think I would be used to another negative beta, but no.  It's as painful as the first.  


Five IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 FETs and 9 embryos later and all I've got is a fat ass.  I don't know how much more my heart can take.  

Keeping myself busy

Last Sunday, I had my second FET.  It was incredibly routine, nothing out of the ordinary.  The RE was wonderful.  Before this transfer, I hadn't met her in my year at the clinic.  At the day 14 ultrasound, she remarked that I had a beautiful uterus and that my follicles looked good - that I had 6.  I guess that's pretty good?  I don't know.  On the day of the transfer, she was so incredibly thorough when doing the transfer that it took longer than previous ones.  Nothing wrong with being meticulous when you have such precious cargo.  

 As I was being wheeled into the recovery room to relax, the embryologist said, "You're lucky that you had Dr. W.  She's an excellent surgeon."  So here's hoping that Dr. W had the magic touch and one of my 3 little guys has implanted.  

Though everything seemed okay, I was a little concerned that there was some cell loss with two of the embryos.  All three were 3 day 8 cell embryos - 1 was grade 1 and 2 were grade 2.  After thawing, one was still perfect, but the other two experienced loss.  One went from 8 cells to 4 and the other to 2.  The embryologist indicated that they were recovering though so hopefully they continued to split and grow. 

I've been keeping myself pretty busy in the meantime.  In the past I would have taken a couple days off after the transfer to relax but while my body would have been relaxing, my mind would have been stressing out about what was going on at school.  So I made the decision to just relax the day of the transfer and then go back to work.  I think that was the best decision I made. Other than changing patches and putting prometrium up my who ha, I honestly haven't been thinking too much about it.  I'm just trying to go about my day as if nothing had happened.  

Actually it's been so off my mind that there were two mishaps.  The night of the transfer was quite cold.  I turned on the heating pad and put it on my feet.  Sometime, in the middle of the night, I had pulled the heating pad on my torso.  When I woke up I had a mild freak out thinking that I had cooked my embryos.  I didn't feel overheated so I'm crossing my fingers.  Further, the other night I was watching a tv program when it hit me that I hadn't changed my patches that day.  Argh!  I zoomed up the stairs and quickly replaced my patches.  Not much I can do now about it, so I'm trying not to stress.

My beta is on Halloween.  Here's hoping I get a nice treat that day and not another soul deadening trick.     

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It's so easy to focus and fixate on all the things that we don't have in our lives that we often forget about all the wonderful things surrounding us.  Today I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.

I am thankful for my incredibly thoughtful, loving and supportive husband.  Though we've only been married for seven years, we've been together for almost twenty.  We've grown up together.  And rather than growing apart as we age, we've grown closer than ever.  He's my rock and my light.  I love you Sweets.

I am thankful for my amazing parents.  Really, I have no words to express my gratitude and love for them.  They've been there for me every step of the way.  Whether it was helping me through university, providing me with a room over my head, or comforting me when, once again, my body betrayed me, they have offered me unconditional love and support.  I love you Aiti and Isi.  

I am thankful for my friends.  Whether I need a laugh or a shoulder, I know that I can count on them.   I love you I, J, and S. 

I am thankful for my kitties, my substitute babies.  Not a day goes by without laughter or cuddles.  My boys provide me with an outlet for my need to be a mother.  I love you pudsters.

I am thankful for my job.  I love teaching.  I love working with teenagers.  I love helping them find their path.  Actually, it's not a job; it's a calling.  To hear students say that they look forward to my class all day makes my heart sing.  I love to teach.

I am thankful for my home.  To have a place of our own is just a dream come true.  I love my home. 

I have many things to be thankful for.  It's time to take off my IF blinders and appreciate all that I do have.   I love my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.