Genetic Test

My doctor called me on Tuesday. She finally received the results of the genetic testing from my April D&C. 

Normal girl.

There was nothing wrong with the little bean. 

So what went wrong?  

Did I do something wrong? 

Thinking the pregnancy was non-viable I did dance at the teachers' conference party. I didn't drink. But I did dance. Could that have done it?

A normal girl.

Sigh.

Kindness of others

It's been 20 days since I have surgery to correct my ankle.  It's been a tough 20 days.  Infertility is depressing. Throw being utterly dependent on the kindness of family and friends on top of that and it's a recipe for the blues.  

I took the week off of work and returned to teaching for the last week of summer school classes. It was tough. Not only did I have to deal with the physical environment but at the end of each day my ankle was swollen and achy. After a quick bite to eat, I slept for an hour or two.  It was exhausting.  

To add to the stress, Sweets had to go out of town for a week for work.  He offered to cancel the contract but I refused.  He needed to re-establish his relationship with this client and bowing out last minute wasn't feasible. With Sweets gone all week, I had to find another way to get to work.  My BFF was amazing; she drove me to and from work each day.  

I honestly can't thank her enough.  She constantly checks in on me and invites me out.  We went to see a film the other day.  It was nice to be out and about but a little stressful as I didn't know if I could manage to manoeuvre with my crutches amongst the crowds.  

Not only has my childhood BFF been awesome but my other BFF J has also been amazing.  She's visited a couple of times and she even took my car into the shop to get repaired and prepped for a road trip (more on the road trip later).  She spent 2 hours at the shop waiting for it.  

Even my neighbours have been helping me out! They've shared their meals with me, brought me beautiful flowers, and have even taken my recycling out.  

 I am truly overwhelmed by their generosity.  

Sweets came home for about a day and then had to leave again to attend his BFF's wedding in another province.  Again he wanted to cancel to stay home with me but I insisted he go; it's his best friend.  He's in the wedding party.  He hasn't seen his friend in 2 years. He needed this opportunity to reconnect with his best friend. 

During his one day stay at home we went to a walk-in medical clinic and had the staples removed.  Ouch! My orthopaedic surgeon's office is closed this week so I don't see him until the 21st.  That's when I'll get my cast. I only have the temporary surgical splint right now.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to get an ai.rca.st boot so that I can take it off for showering.   

As for the road trip, my family from Europe is coming. My aunt and my cousin arrive on the 20th.  Then after my appointment with the  OS on the 21st, we make the 18 hour trip north to visit my parents. Though I can't drive, my cousin can.  My dad will be starting his second round of chemo the day we arrive. I'm a little nervous about seeing my dad.  He's been in excellent spirits so that's good.  We keep stating to ourselves that though only 5% make it to year 5, he could be one of the 5%.  He'll make it. 

On the fertility front, things have been quiet.  Having a broken ankle kind of puts a damper on any romantic inclinations.  And since I can't drive, a trip to the RE to discuss our next cycle is impossible. I'm hoping to be walking and driving by early Sept. I'll make the appointment to see her then. 

Sorry for the long post.  I really should update my blog more often.  Right now it's just a whole lot of sitting, watching Ne.tflix, and reading.  I'll update things when I go home for the visit. 

Take care my friends. 

Unforgettable summer

It's been a very interesting summer.  And not interesting in a good way.

First off, it's been very much a roller coaster regarding my father's health.  My parents were here for more tests to find out how far the cancer had progressed.  It was difficult to see my father, a big, strong man, look so frail.  While they were here, my miscarriage started.  My mom knew but my dad didn't so when the nurse asked my dad if he would be around any pregnant women after his PET scan, he looked and me and shook my head. 

The results from the PET scan were not good. We had originally be told the tumour was small but it's actually 7cm.  It hasn't spread; it's only in the pancreas.  My dad starts a very aggressive chemotherapy regiment next week.  We're all hoping for the best but we know that statistics for pancreatic cancer.  I made a deal with my dad that next July we'll go to Hawaii.  We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary and they can celebrate their 50th.  He seemed to like that idea.

With my dad's condition, I had planned to drive home to visit them.  Unfortunately last week, I fell and broke my ankle.

My husband took me to the ER where we waited for for about 5 hours to see a doctor.  I was ready to go home when finally they called my name.  Our city's ER is busiest in all of our province. I had recommended that we go to a smaller hospital but Sweets, thinking that the new ER was open, insisted.  At first, I didn't believe the doctor when he said it was broken.  I insisted on seeing the X-ray. I was convinced it was just a bad sprain.  But soon enough I was being wheeled upstairs to the orthopaedic surgical ward and into a room.  

After kissing Sweets good night and sending him home, I was given morphine for the pain and fell into a restless sleep.  I discovered quickly that morphine and I do not mix.  I couldn't hold anything down even with the gravol.  Sunday was spent sleeping and trying to make conversation with my BFF and husband. Thankfully on Monday I was slated in for survey first thing in the morning.  I've never had surgery before.  Going under was an interesting experience.  On Tuesday, once I proved that I could use my crutches, I was discharged.  

I had hoped to go back to work by Thursday (summer school) but soon realized that was unlikely.  The pain is just brutal.  And trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in is impossible.  Still, I'm going to get off my butt and go to work on Tuesday.  I asked the principal for a wheelchair for my room and the elevator key.  My BFF will drive me to and from work.  I'm a little nervous because Sweets goes out of town for 5 days for work.  I hope I can take care of myself while he's gone. 

The staples come out next week.  And the following week I have an appointment with the surgeon.  Hopefully I can get one of those air casts so I can start putting weight on my foot.  

It's incredibly annoying to be so dependent but what is most frustrating is that my plan to drive up to see my parents is now ruined.  I really wanted to be there to help out my mom while my dad is going through his therapy. Very frustrating. 

I don't know when I'll be able to start driving again.  

Well that was short lived.

Never mind.

Beta came back.

It dropped.

188.  

Let the miscarriage commence. 

Weekend Blood Work and Family Time

This morning I woke up early to get myself to the lab for my second beta.  

I've been waiting all day for the results but unfortunately, while the lab may draw blood on weekends, it doesn't appear like they test the sample or provide results.  I've been checking the website periodically throughout the day and nothing. 

Argh.

So looks like I have to wait until Monday.  And since I'm teaching summer school right now, I won't check the site until I've finished for the day.  I don't want potentially heartbreaking news to throw me off for the day.  Who wants to be an emotional mess in front of a bunch of 15/16 year olds? 

My parents arrive on Monday as well.  Due to a cancellation, my father was able to get in to see the surgeon Tuesday morning. Like most people, I did a quick google search of the doctor.  I was pleased to discover the surgeon is one of the country's leading surgeons in the field of pancreatic cancer.  On Thursday, my dad has a PET scan.  On the cancer agency website, it cautions pregnant women to stay away from anyone who has had the scan.  My GP looked into it and she said what it means is that I can't sit next to him. So sadly I won't be driving my dad to his appointment. The radiation fades after 24 hours so I won't have to distance myself from him for too long.  

Here's hoping that next week brings good news all around! 

Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.

So it's higher than expected but lower than I wished.  

My beta came back at 225.  

I am 5 weeks 4 days according to my calculations. 

With a beta that low, should I be worried about another miscarriage? 

I have some progesterone suppositories left from my last cycle. I would if I should start using them?  Or maybe, for once, just let nature do her thing? 

Ahhh!!!!

Limbo

Today I visited with my GP.  I was supposed to get my tetanus shots but we decided to hold off.  I informed the office that I thought I was pregnant so they asked me to do a pregnancy test with their office so that they would have it in their records.  

Well, their test came back negative!  Negative!  Does everything have to be such a roller coaster ride for me?  I did 3 HPTs and all 3 were positive.  How is this possible? 

 I'm trying not to fret. The doctor felt positive about it.  She did send me off to get my beta tested but still, it's quite disconcerting.  How can the tests be so different? Is this "pregnancy" all in my head? 

 I'm trying to be positive. A few years ago, a friend of mine had positive home tests but at her doctor's office, it was negative.  Her daughter is now 2 years old. So I'm holding on to hope as that's all that I really have at this point.  

I'll be sure to post my blood test results tomorrow.  

Cross your fingers for me. 

Say a little prayer.

Send out positive energy.  

Please. 

Because I'm skeptical by nature...

I went and bought another HPT.  

It too displays two lines.  I *think* I'm about 22dpo.  My cycle is usually 26-28 days and today is CD 36.  I'm so accustomed to calculating everything post transfer so I feel a little out of sorts. 

Could this really be true? 

 

We're actually pregnant? 

I'm going to take another test in the morning.  I hope that the lines darken.  Unlike my previous pregnancy in March, these lines showed up right away.  In March, I actually threw the cheapie HPT away because it looked negative. 

Please let this be the one. 

Please stay snug in there little guy.  With my dad's recent diagnosis, I desperately want us to become parents and to make my mom and dad grandparents.  

Canada Day. Bad news. Good news.

Happy birthday Canada!

It's been difficult to find reasons to be grateful lately.  I have more than my fair share of shit to deal with.  But setting that aside, I am incredibly grateful to live in Canada.  

In 1970, my parents, along with my big brother who was 4 at the time, moved to Canada to build a new life.  While working in a paper mill in Finland, my father saw an ad to come help start up a new paper mill in Canada.  he jumped at the opportunity.  My mother was less than enthusiastic.  When they landed and were driving on the employee bus to town, all my mom saw were trees.  Rows and rows of trees. Mountains.  Rivers. Streams. No people.

Having lived in a very urban area in Finland, my mom was shocked.  She looked at my father and demanded, "What kind of hell have you brought me to?"  The plan was to stay for two years, build up a solid savings, and move back home to Finland.  Two years later, I arrived.  The talks of moving back ended.  Canada gave my parents opportunities that they may not have had in Finland.  My mother stated that they wouldn't have been able to afford a second child if they had remained in Finland.  There would have been no me.  

Happy birthday Canada. Thank you for giving my parents a wonderful opportunity. 

It's been tough since the D&C. I've had to remind myself frequently that life isn't total crap.  Dealing with the miscarriage is tough enough but then at school we lost 3 students in a month.  Two in a drowning and one from a form of juvenile Huttington's.  The school was thrown into emotional chaos.  My school is recognized as inner city, and we have all the issues that inner city schools have.  Those students who were walking a fine line between success and failure suddenly dropped off.  It was difficult to watch my students struggle. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life.  My father has been ill.  He suffers from pancreatitis and has had pain for the past year.  But lately something has changed.  He went for a biopsy on Father's Day. Last week the tests came back. 

Pancreatic cancer.  Fuck. Pancreatic fucking cancer.  I have never heard of any survivors of pancreatic cancer.  All the "celebrities" that I know who have had it die.  Steve Jobs.  Randy Pausch.  Patrick Swayze.  Pavarotti.   Cancer sucks but this type cancer fucking sucks.  Seventy-five percent die in the first year of diagnosis. 

 On the plus side, the growth is small - less that 2cm.  And it hasn't spread anywhere else.  It's just in the pancreas.  My dad will be coming down south for some more tests in a little over a week.  All I can do is be hopeful and optimistic.  I have to be strong for my dad.

Even though it's been a tornado of crap in my life lately, I do have some good news.  Today I took a cheapie HPT and it came back positive!  The line is light so that's a wee bit disconcerting.  So I'll be going to the store and purchasing some more tests just to make sure.  I've read that after a D&C implantation is more likely.  To be honest, I didn't think a natural pregnancy would be possible!  With Sweets's slow swimmers, I didn't think we could actually get pregnant without assistance.  

Of course the fear has already creeped into my mind and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.  According to my calculations, I'm 5 weeks today.  Fortunately I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled for Thursday.  I'll ask for a beta then.  Hopefully the numbers are awesome.   

We all need some good news right now and this is the best news for our family right now.  It's a freaking awesome surprise.  

D&C and moving on.

On Thursday I went to Women's Hospital for a D&C. It was emotional. I don't recall the pain but I do recall asking for more medication while in the procedure room. The nurse in the procedure room performed two of my IUIs when I was at that phase in my treatment. She recognized my name. Bummer.

They are sending whatever they collected for testing so I hope I get some answers.

The woman next to me was there for a miscarriage as well. I think she was a recovering addict because she was in real pain but did not want any meds to dull the pain after the procedure. In the end, she did accept some. She was writhing in pain. I could hear her laboured breath.

The day of the procedure I felt quite icky. Quite a bit of bleeding plus the antibiotics they gave me made everything taste like metal. But other than a little spotting and some cramps, everything is fine these past few days.

My RE is leaving our clinic. So another change is on the horizon. We'll be staying at this clinic rather than moving with him. Though he's a great doctor, we haven't become attached to him. Plus we had more interaction with the owner of the clinic. She performed our FET last summer and was the RE for all my ultrasounds, the ER, and ET this cycle. I dreamt last night that we had a new RE. That she was brought from the States to our clinic and was incredibly well respected. Her name was Dr. Willo.ughby. No clue why Willo.ughby but that's the name that was in my dream. We do have a Willo.ughby Heights in our area. Maybe that's why?

This is a strange question but did I miscarry at 6w5days or did I miscarry at 8w5days? We discovered that there was no growth at 6 weeks but the D&C occurred at 8 weeks? Messed up question but I'm curious. I would have been 9w1day today. I know I would have been counting down to the end of my first trimester. The due date would have been the day after my brother's birthday.

Today I start to take care of myself. They weighed me for this procedure and holy f*ck, I've gained a lot of weight. This is far, far from my comfort zone. I think I'm going to take a break on treatments. I was to get healthier because if I do get pregnant at this weight, there will be complications. I think we'll do our last transfer in August. That gives me a few months to lose weight and heal from this loss.

My plan? Go to bed earlier and wake up about 40 mins earlier so that I can walk on my treadmill. When I get home from work, I'm exhausted and exercising is not a priority. As I feel better, I'll probably go back to my walk/run program. I used to run 5 and 10k runs and now I'm a couch potato. I would also like to start yoga. I noticed a new yoga studio is opening just 5 mins from me. I'll check it out and see if they have any grand opening specials. I would like to lose 5 pounds a month which I think is doable. I'll go back to writing down what I eat. When I was on weig.thwatchers years ago, it really worked. It kept me in check. I will not get down on myself. My body has been through a lot these past few years. I could have coped with the disappointment in more healthy ways but that's life. I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

Universe - 3 Me - 0

Three pregnancy announcements on fac.ebook in 5 days.

<sigh>

Here comes the rain again

The ultrasound showed no growth.

I expected it and was actually able to enjoy an afternoon out with my husband. We went to our favourite coffee shop. I ordered a delicious americano misto. We went out for sushi at a funky restaurant, shopped for EVOO at the Greek deli, and bought some wine from the specialty liquor store. Even though it was (and still is) pouring rain, it was a comforting. Just what the doctor ordered.

But then I came home and signed onto face.book.

My friend just announced her pregnancy. Ouch! Like a blade to the gut. Sad thing is that she and I started the pregnancy journey at the same time. Well, I started treatments. She started the old fashioned TTC. Her daughter is now 3 and she's expecting a second. I'm really happy for her but man does it hurt! Hurts like ________! (Feel free to fill in the blank.)

Bend but will not break.

Tomorrow it's back to work. We had a two week spring break with Good Friday and Easter Monday thrown in. It'll be good to be back to work. It'll keep my mind occupied. Though it's been a gorgeous weekend, I haven't left the house since Friday. I haven't wanted to really interact with the rest of the world. I was worried that my hair appointment would have been torture but thankfully my stylist wasn't gushy about her pregnancy. She was incredibly low key about it which I appreciated. My BFF and I went to see the Oz film as well. She took my mind off of things, kept talking about her holiday. The two of us are similar in that we don't like to talk about our pain. If you haven't seen Oz, I recommend it. I almost fell asleep but that had nothing to do with the film and everything to do with my mental exhaustion.

My mom has been checking in on me. Boy do I love her. She searched through her old files and looked for her hospital records to see what they said about her pregnancies. I know that she had two early miscarriages, gave birth to my brother 1.5 months early, and had preeclampsia with both my brother and I. She constantly worries that something she did has made it difficult for me to get pregnant. She worried that having to be on progesterone for the majority of her pregnancy resulted in our issues. I keep reassuring her that nothing she did has caused this. It's a combo of Sweets's sperm issues and my age.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday afternoon. In my head I know it'll show little growth; my heart holds on to hope that my tilted uterus caused issues with seeing things clearly. Thank goodness work will preoccupy my mind until then.

On a different note, we finally have neighbours. When we bought our townhome three years ago, the properties in our backyard were large, single dwelling homes. Last spring, the homes were torn down in preparation of a new complex. Well, it appears all the homes are now sold, and people have moved it. It's slightly disconcerting to go from loads of privacy, amazing mountain views, and gorgeous sunsets to wall of homes. I've posted a pic here to show you all how much it changed. The top two were soon after we moved in; the bottom was on Friday.

Bad News

It's a beautiful day here and I really can't enjoy it.

Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and a fetal pole. Unfortunately it measured a week behind. So I guess the spotting I experienced last week may have signalled the end of this pregnancy? While I never truly allowed my heart to open up to this pregnancy, I still feel gutted. I mean, it was a long shot. First the super heavy bleed that happened. Then the low first beta. To have had it double was a miracle. Even this last 3rd beta fell within the doubling time parameters. It truly would have been a miracle had it continue to progress. I was hoping for a miracle.

Sweets and I haven't really spoken about it. I went upstairs and cried. He remained downstairs. We're both wounded.

Unless bleeding starts between now and Thursday, I'm going in for a repeat ultrasound. I have 3 options: natural miscarriage, a D &C, or medication to hasten the miscarriage. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Tomorrow I get my hair done. It should be a nice relaxing event but my BFF just tole me that our hairdresser is pregnant. So it'll be a tough couple of hours tomorrow. Thankfully my BFF and I are going to a movie afterwards. Hopefully that'll preoccupy my mind for a bit.

The Snail's Pace of a Small Town

I'm always taken aback when I visit my parents. I live in one of the fastest growing cities in Can.ada so when I venture up to north to my small hometown, it is a bit of culture shock. For instance, today I went to the hospital for my third beta. The front clerk seemed a little confused as to why I had two doctors on my requisition.

Yes. She is my G.P.
Yes. He is the doctor who ordered the blood work.
Yes. The results go to both of them.
No. I don't have a doctor here.
No. I've never been here before.
Yes. I'm visiting family.

As she's asking me these questions, the stereo is blaring quite loudly causing her to ask me to repeat my responses several times. Ummm....did professionalism come here to die?

After a twenty minute wait, I was finally called in. The diminutive lab tech asked all the questions to confirm that I was who I claimed to be. Then she asked about why my blood work had "STAT" on it. I explained that it's a pregnancy test to see if my pregnancy is developing.

"Oh! How many weeks are you?"
"Just six weeks."
"Well congratulations! You must be so excited."

How do you explain to the regular fertile world that it's tough to celebrate a pregnancy so soon?That everything hinges on blood work and ultrasounds?

The lab tech did a great job taking my blood (didn't feel a thing) but then she mentioned that the blood work would be sent to the lab in the next community and that I'll get my test results by Wednesday. Wednesday? I've become accustomed to getting results the same day. I fly home on Wednesday. I hope to have my results before then.

I'm not sure if the symptoms I'm feeling are as a result of a pregnancy or the progesterone. Breasts are crazy sore. I feel nauseous as if there is always something just as the back of my throat. Yesterday I was eating a sandwich for breakfast, and suddenly it tasted horrible! Like fish - it was turkey and Swiss cheese. I started to gag and almost threw up. My complexion has been horrible. I rarely breakout but have been having to deal with acne lately. Recently, I've had a metallic-like taste in my mouth like iron or blood. I've had quite a bit of mild cramping especially in the morning. Last Friday, I did experience some spotting. My clinic told me to put my feet up and relax. It stopped after a while and I haven't had any spotting since. And now, I feel a migraine brewing. Typically I have migraines when I'm about to get my period - the surge in hormones. Obviously, if I'm still pregnant, there is a whirlwind of hormones surging though my body. I'm not sure if progesterone can explain all these symptoms.

And now I wait again. I hope that the lab gets those results in sooner than Wednesday. Fingers crossed that my levels have continued to double.

Great White North

If you long for peace and quiet, I recommend a trip to northern B.C. I've only been here a day and I'm already bored with the slow pace of life. I love visiting my parents but this sleepy town is too sleepy.

Plus, it's freezing up here! Granted it was chilly in the lower mainland when I left but it's snowing up here! What's that all about? Isn't it supposed to be Spring? it was as if someone had put this town in a snow globe and shook it up. And honestly, living in the lower mainland, I haven't seen snow since November. Ugh..

I told my parents. Like Sweets and me, they're cautious about celebrating. My mother had two miscarriages before having my brother so she understands how delicate the situation can be. I can sense how excited she is but she's definitely holding it in. My dad was very much like my dad. He looked at me and said, "Good. That's good news."

I went by the hospital today to ask when I should go in on Monday for my blood work. I have to remind myself, the pace of life is very different here. She told me to come in between 1-2pm because that's when things slow down. In the morning, priority is given to people who have fasted the night before. So coming in at 7am simply means I'll be waiting until all the priority tests have been administered. I told the clerk that I can't have it at 1pm as the clinic likes to have their results earlier in the day. She then recommended that I come in at 10am and bring a book. Since she could sense my urgency, she did offer to have me do the blood test today. Tempting but I refused.

I hope the clinic will get the results in a timely fashion. Normally I can go online and see my results. With this being at the hospital and not my regular lab, I will only get my results when the clinic calls. Pins and needles. That's what I'll be sitting on!

I've noticed that my breasts have become more tender. Absolutely zero tenderness up until 2 days ago. That's one of the reasons why I didn't think this cycle had worked (well on top of the absolute gush I experienced). I've noticed slight cramping and twinges as well.

Next week is going to be anxiety ridden. On Monday, my third beta results. Then on Thursday, I have my ultrasound. I've already been having bad dreams of bleeding and empty sacs. I really wish I could be like a regular woman who has discovered she's pregnant. Do regular fertile women have such dreams? Do they worry about their first ultrasounds as much as we, the infertile, do? Do you think that the knowledge we've accumulated during our fertility journeys increases our levels of paranoia?

You've got to be kidding!

Received my second beta today.

Good thing I'm not a Math teacher. I thought doubling time was every 24 hours, but I guess it has to double every 48 hours.

My beta came back at 555.

Wowzers.

I'm pregnant. It was 45 six days ago. The doubling time is 1.7 days. Is that good? Is that on par?

I cant believe I'm freaking pregnant!

Limbo Continues

Limbo sucks.

The clinic has asked me to continue with my progesterone until Monday when I get my next beta. I don't know why, but my clinic has patients do their betas a week apart. I was hoping I could go in sooner. The cramps have stopped. The spotting somewhat continues.

I have big union meeting this weekend. I'm not much of a unionista but after our rather messy battle with the provincial government last year, I decided to get more involved mainly because I want to gather information and make decisions myself. I'm not keen on the "spin" some union reps give me. Anyway, I was hoping for a firm "yah" or "nay" on the viability before this weekend. I don't want spend the whole weekend with the second beta on the back of my mind.

If it doubles from the last beta it would be around *2880. Not sure if it'll get there but it's possible. One woman on the ivf.ca forum had 46 as her first beta, was told to expect to miscarry, but then her numbers climbed. She's due next week. So it is possible but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.

Beta update

45

Appears to be another chemical pregnancy.


Ugh.

HPT Update.

After yesterday's "holy crap" moment, I went and purchased two FRER. I don't know how I didn't take the test last night but I held back. Sweets wanted me to but I refused. I wanted to wait until the morning.

Guess what?

Two lines. Two freaking lines.

It's very faint again. But unlike the cheapie test from yesterday, I could see the line developing quite quickly. Yesterday, it wasn't there, hence the tossing in the bin.

How can I possibly be pregnant after a full of period? Granted the flow never became icky and clotty like it normally does. It remained quite pinkish red all throughout. But the fact that I bled so strong, and for so long causes me pause. Could this be a repeat of the chemical pregnancy of last August? The line is quite pale but it's there.

I think FRER tests anything at 25. So since it's so pale, does it mean that my levels are low? That concerns me. My beta is on Tuesday so I'll know what's up then. My clinic likes to see numbers over 100 for their betas. With my last beta is was in the low 40s, did not double, and was not viable.

Has anyone ever had faint line but had a viable pregnancy?

Wow. This is all so incredibly messed up. If I was a "regular" fertile person, the faint line wouldn't phase me. Sad how infertility warps so many things in our lives.

Well ladies, please send me any good wishes, vibes, or prayers you can. I definitely need them!

What kind of a mind f**k is this?

Today is 9dp5dt. Just for sh*ts and giggles I took at HPT. It was immediately one line. I threw it in the bin.

Well the clinic returned my call and asked that I continue with my progesterone - I didn't take it this morning. So, even though my mind was saying "Screw it! Save the progesterone for the FET" I went upstairs and took it. Then something told me to look at the cheapie HPT test I took.

There are two freaking lines! The control one is super dark, but there is an incredibly faint second line. It's faint but it's there. It's there. WTF does this mean?! Is it the trigger shot? Could I actually be pregnant even though I've been bleeding like there's no tomorrow? What the heck is going on?

Ladies? Advice? Have you ever heard of this before? A full bleed but a positive (albeit faint) HPT?

What a freaking mind game this all is!

Kindness of strangers

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

AF is truly coming on strong now. Yesterday I still (secretly) held onto hope. It was still light(ish) yesterday. More than spotting but not a real flow. But today, there's no question as to whether it worked or not.

I broke down and wept in front of my BFF/colleague. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help it. She's been with my all the way through this but I've never allowed her to see my pain. Only my husband and parents have seen me so broken. You know that cry. That animalistic, guttural cry. The cry of a wounded creature.

Yesterday I allowed myself a day of tears. But my tears won't change anything. I've given infertility enough tears.

My next step is to make a WTF appointment. We have one little guy left. I want no stone unturned before we do our next (and final) transfer.

I so appreciate you all. Thank you so much for all your kindness and your advice. I wish I could hug you all. Perhaps one day, we'll meet in real life. xoxo

Is that a fat lady singing?

It's over ladies. Full on period this morning. I was somewhat hopeful last night when the spotting stopped but it was much heavier, brighter this morning.

Our last fresh cycle is a bust.

This is what I hate most about infertility. My husband and I were on such a high last week when we heard about the quality of our embryos. We were so full of hope that this will be our time.

I left a tearful message at my clinic last night. I'm sure they'll call and tell me to continue with the progesterone until the beta. And the beta will simply confirm that I'm not pregnant.

Really devastating to know that I may never, ever be a mom.

Now all I can do is hope that our lone frozen blast is a superstar.

Houston. We have a problem.

Spotting.  Light cramping.  

I think IVF 3.0 is a bust.

That Sinking Feeling

I woke this morning with that horrible sinking feeling that this cycle didn't work. Now before you tell me I'm silly and that it's too early to know, I have my reasons.

The dreaded AF is due tomorrow. My cycles have shortened in the past few months and AF has been visiting regularly on day 26, which is tomorrow. Always before my period, I get a headache. Well yesterday the headache arrived.

When I did get pregnant last summer, my breasts were incredibly tender. This morning, the tenderness wasn't there. They've been tender since I started my stimulation and suddenly, it stopped.

In this stupid journey I've had tons of time to reflect in how many body feels. Everything I'm feeling tells me it didn't work.

I sincerely hope that I'm wrong. Please let me be wrong.

Embryo Update

This is just a quick note to say that of the seven embryos that were still being cultured, they were able to freeze one. The embryologist stated that it was an "excellent expanded blastocyst." It's the same grade as one of the blasts transferred yesterday - 4BB. So if you look at the photos of the embryos from yesterday - sorry about the massive pic size, I'm learning how to use blogger on my mobile device and at that time had no clue how to resize the pics - the expanded blastocyst is the bigger of the two. While I'm mildly disappointed that only one made it, I'm still ecstatic that we have one waiting.

There have been quite a few BFPs at my clinic lately. One the IVF board that I contribute to, almost every person who cycled in Jan/Feb has gotten pregnant. Here's hoping I don't end that awesome winning streak!

Otherwise, not too much to report. I'm sure I'll be on symptom watch 2013 for the next few weeks.

Cor.nell Connection

I never thought I would say that I have a connection to someone at Cornell university. But I do.

Today was the day of my transfer. The horrendous traffic, the pathetic clinic parking (seriously were the spots made for Sma.rt Cars?), and my burgeoning bladder could not dampen the awesome news we received once we got to the clinic. Once I was settled in with the sarong on, the nurse informed us that we were going to be transferring 2 excellent blastocysts and that the remaining 7 were still in culture in the lab. Wow! I have never had that many embryos make it to day 5. In the past, the majority stopped developing at this point.

When we got into the transfer room, Dr.K was there to greet us. It's been strange to have the same doctor throughout the whole cycle. Dr. K did my ultrasounds, retrievals, and now my transfer. To add to my excitement, both Dr. K and the embryologist commented on the quality of the embryos as well. When I asked abut transferring 3 embryos, Dr. K explained quite clearly as to why they wanted to avoid transferring 3. The biggest concern is that if all embryos took, then it would lead to a high risk pregnancy. Totally understandable.

Now where does Co.rnell come into play? While we were waiting for the embryos, I remarked how impressed I was that so many embryos had made it to day 5. Dr. K, who is now the owner and director of this clinic, brought in one of Nor.th Ame.rica's best embryologists from Cor.nell to train the people in her lab. When she studied at Cor.nell, she made this connection and as a result was able to bring him in. Very cool. This clinic is one of the best known in Canada and it appears that Dr. K wants to take it to the next level.

And so now the dreaded two week wait begins. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I must admit, they are. I hope one of those embabies sticks. I hope that in the fall we'll be parents. I hope that my parents will finally be grandparents.

BTW: remember how I went into work on Monday because my student teacher had been struggling? Well she emailed me last night to let me know that she's withdrawing from the program. I think it's for the best. I could tell her heart wasn't into it. And teaching isn't as easy as some think it is.

Upper Right is the 2BB.  Lower one is 4BB.

A 5 Day What?

I shouldn't have gone into work yesterday.  I really shouldn't have.  The recovery from this retrieval has been a lot longer than my past retrievals.  Believe me, I have no martyr complex. But I do take my job rather seriously.  Well, more like I'm such a narcissist.  I think my classroom will fall apart if I'm not there. 

 My venture into work yesterday had less to do with fears of classroom chaos and more to do with my student teacher.  She's been struggling. In fact, I worry that only 3 weeks into her practicum that she's plateaued.  Lately her planning has been shoddy. Her delivery of the lesson has been dry. Her clarity of instructing has been confusing.  I knew that her faculty advisor was coming in to give her a "notice of concern."  Essentially she needs to improve over the next week or she'll be removed from the class and have to take additional courses.  I really didn't want to go into work but I knew she would need some support after her meeting.  And I was right.  After the tears were shed, the two of us sat down and planned a lesson together. I wanted her to see my thinking when it comes to planning a lesson. How to scaffold skills. How to provide feedback in an instant.  When we were done, I *think* she got it.  Hopefully this week she'll find her stride.

For me, yesterday was uncomfortable. Walking down the halls, the stairs, I could feel every twinge.  I decided to take the rest of the week off.  While I know it's for the best, I feel so much guilt about not being in my classroom. 

This morning I received the call from the embryologist. The embryos are progressing well - "very good" were her words.  As a result, they're pushing my transfer to day 5.  What?! I've never had a day 5 transfer.  Needless to say, I'm in shock.   To be honest, I half expected a day 2 transfer and assumed it would be a day 3.  Perhaps all those supplements really did help? 

Fertilization Report

I just received a call from the clinic.  Of the fourteen eggs retrieved, eleven were mature and nine fertilized via ICSI.  I'll find out on Tuesday morning if I need to come in for a transfer that day.  I've always had a three day transfer so I'm assuming I'll be PUPO on Tuesday. 

I'm still cramping and uncomfortable from yesterday's ER.  I don't recall feeling this icky before but then again when it comes to stuff like this, I have a poor memory.  Not sure whether I'll be at work tomorrow and if transfer is Tuesday, I'm not sure when I'll be going back in.

I'll have an important meeting on Tuesday.  I'll have to give them a heads up that I may not be attending.  

A question for you all (and lurkers please feel free to answer): how much time off did you take post transfer?  For all my transfers I've had 2-3 days off.  And only the last FET did I experience implantation.

Oh my aching ovaries

I've been sleeping for most of the day and will probably crash again once I'm finished posting this. 

I just wanted to let everyone know that they retrieved 14 eggs this morning. Everything went quite smoothly except at one point after an uncomfortable prick, I started to cry.  It wasn't so much the pain but because this is our last shoot at being parents.  Once the tears started they couldn't stop.  The nurse was awesome and incredibly comforting. I was just so overwhelmed by everything in that moment and I couldn't hold it in. 

Another blip is that the doctor recommended ICSI.  There was something like "round" cells or white cells in his sample and they were concerned that his sample may contaminate the eggs and we would lose then.  <sigh> Of course we okayed it but it's just one more expense added on to all this.  

Now I wait on pins and needles to find out if the eggs are awesome or a batch of duds. I hope,they end up being superstars. 

Back to sleep to rest my lemon sided ovaries! 

Deception

I know the title sounds oh so intriguing but really it's not.

On several occasions, when I've gone in for my RE visits, scans and so forth, the doctors question my age.  This morning the RE looked at me and asked my age. She seemed shocked to hear that I would be turning 41 in May.

It's nothing new.

Most people are deceived by my appearance. I'm often told I look in my early 30s rather than my early 40s.  Perhaps that's why for some, when the issue of children comes up in conversation, they often say to me "Oh, you've got tons of time."  Little do they know that we've been on this IF journey for about 5 years now and really, age hasn't much to do with it.  Well, it does now but when we started TTC it wasn't about age.

On top of complimenting my youthful appearance, the doctor also commented on my "picture perfect" uterus.  I've heard that before!  My right ovary is the dominant one with approximately 6 follicles - 3 at 17mm and the rest varying from 13-15.  The left side, once again, is taking its own sweet time.  All of the follicles are between 13-15mm. I believe there were only 4 on that side.  As a result, the doctor asked that I stim for one more day (today) and return tomorrow for another u/s.

Saturday will be retrieval and I'm not sure when our transfer will be.  People at the clinic have had 2 day, 3 day, and 5 day transfers.  I guess it all depends on the embryos. Emergency ICSI is on the table but seeing as how we didn't need it for our last IVF, I'm hoping we won't need it this time either.

I'm tired of needles and am so looking forward to this portion of the cycle to be over. Ugh.

What a difference a couple of years makes

Back in December when the nurse at my clinic told me that I would be on a high dose for IVF drugs, I was shocked. I had been a high responder at my old clinic. Why would there be a difference? For my first two cycles, I was only on Pure.gon and  the highest dose prescribed was 250 and that was reduced after day 5.  My E2 level at day 5 for my first cycles was around 1200.

Now I'm on 225 of both Meno.pur and Pure.gon.  I received my bloodwork today and my E2 was 670. Holy heck. 670. What a drop from 2011.  I'm worried. Is 670 really bad? Should I be worried about cancelling this cycle if my E2 levels don't bounce up?

I continue with the same dosage levels and I start the Orga.lutran tomorrow.

Man.

What a difference a year and a half makes when it comes to your fertility.

Good to go

Today is CD 1.  In the past few months, my cycle has shortened by two days.  For as long as I can remember, my cycle has been 28 days.  I don't know what's going on.  I know that my other RE stated that I should only be concerned if the length is longer not shorter.  

Anyway, it's CD 1 so I called it into my clinic.  It took a while for them to get back to me but they finally did at 3pm.  The nurse seemed a little confused as to why I was calling.  "Are you calling in your CD 1 to start your est.race priming?"  Huh?  Priming?  What was she talking about?  "No.  I've been on est.race since Feb 2nd.  I'm calling in my CD 1 to start my injections."  It appears that the nurse who took my call last time did not put it into my chart.  In a previous post, I mentioned that a number of REs left to start a new clinic.  With their departure, a number of nurses and other staff joined them.  It's not excusable but perhaps the last nurse was one of the ones leaving and was sloppy with her work?  I don't know.  I can't even recall her name. All I remember from that conversation was that I was to start my meds on the 2nd and that she called me sweetie.  

Grumpy nurse was annoyed that my last cycle had not been put into their system and seemed to be transferring the annoyance to me.  Sorry.  Not my fault that your colleague didn't do her work.  I'm doing everything right on my side.  

I was concerned that since they didn't have all my husband's blood work, we would be told to hold off but thankfully Grumpy nurse gave us the go ahead to start injections tomorrow.  Whew!  

So tomorrow I give myself my first injection of Men.opur.  Never done that before.  Quite nervous.    

This is what the next bit looks like:

Days 1-4 Meno.pur 225iu AM + Pure.gon 225iu PM. 

On day 5 I take the morning injection and then get blood work done.  They'll let me know how much I need of the evening dosage and if I need to start Orga.lutran.  

Wish me luck ladies.  This is our last kick at the IVF can.   

IVF 3.0 Delayed?

When we transferred to the new clinic the RE asked that we do a set of blood work as we were new patients. In December we got the requisitions and early January I got mine done.  I have constantly reminded Sweets about the blood tests and the new sperm analysis that needs to be done.

He kept putting them off.

Last Thursday I picked up my meds and the nurse stated, "You will not be given the okay to start injections until DH's blood work is in." Ugh!  So needless to say, I was pissed.  Sweets received a rather nasty phone call from me demanding he get to the lab IMMEDIATELY and get his blood tests done.  He wanted to wait until Friday but I insisted.   This is a long weekend you see. Who knows when the lab will get to his blood work?

My period is due soon. Because of his procrastinating, I may have to wait another freaking month to start my cycle.

I am not a happy camper.

Countdown starts

Called in my surge today.  Next Saturday I begin taking Estrace.  Soon after, the injections begin again. 

I'm not worried about the injections.  Those don't stress me out.  I am worried about the financial aspect this time.  Paying for this cycle is going to mean quite a few months of doing without and monthly deposits on my line of credit.  For Christmas this year, my mother bought me a Heart & Stro.ke Foun.dation Calendar.  For some families, it's diabetes or cancer; in my family we have a history of stroke.  Money from purchase of the calendar goes to the foundation.  Every day there is $3000 give away.  Every Friday, a $10,000 and once a month both a holiday jackpot of $12,000 and end of month $20,000.  I keep hoping that we'll hit one of those jackpots.  It would definitely reduce the stress when it comes to thinking about paying for this cycle.  Ugh.

Speaking of stress, it appears that the clinic is going through some major adjustments.  The doctors who actually founded the clinic are moving on and starting a brand new clinic.  Apparently one of the REs took over the clinic and is hiring two more for the States.  Thankfully my RE is remaining.  But it's a little disconcerting when 4 of the REs move on. What could have possibly happened to lead the founders of the clinic to leave?  I would assume that it would be somewhat like abandoning your child. As long as the level of care is maintained, I'm staying.  And hopefully after this IVF treatment, I won't need to use their clinic again.  When I was young, I assumed I would have 2 or 3 children.  Now, I know I'm fortunate if I can have one healthy little boy or girl.  

I'm sure once my cycle gets underway, I'll be back to blogging on a more frequent basis.   Until then, good night and adieu!  

Question about CoQ 10

My doctor recommended 600mg of CoQ10 daily. I know it's supposed to have a positive effect on ovaries and the theory is that it can reverse the aging.  I've been on it for a few years now but have only been using the prescribed CoQ10 since November.  I'm also taking myso-inositol, melatonin, and folic acid.  (Study on myo-inostitol, folic acid, and melatonin and egg quality.)  Since starting the prescribed CoQ10, my cycles have been a little off.  Typically I'm like clockwork.  Every 28 days Aunt Flo visits.  Now since the CoQ10, my cycles have been shorter.  Twenty-six days, twenty-seven days.  And now, only twenty-three days in, I'm already spotting.  If so, then my IVF cycle will be moved up a week or so.    

My question:  Can CoQ10 shorten a cycle?

All Clear!

Last week I had an appointment for a hysteroscopy.  Of course the only day that I have to commute into the city during Christmas break and there is a multiple vehicle accident on the bridge.  Thankfully the other routes were clear and problem free and I made it to the clinic in record time.  

To make a short story shorter, the RE checked out my uterus for any issues and saw none.  The only thing that he said that was a little out of the ordinary was that one of my tubes was deeper set than the other.  But in the grand scheme of things, that's not a problem.  So once again, there appears to be nothing wrong. 

I'm really tired of doctor's telling me that everything looks good.  If everything is good, then why haven't we gotten pregnant? 

As I mentioned before, I'm at a new clinic.  Let me clarify.  This is the same clinic as my last FET but a different clinic from my last two IVF cycles.  This is a private clinic while the other one was public.  Already I'm noticing the difference in technology.  While I really like my last clinic, this private one definitely provides a lot more bang for your buck.  When I had a hysterosonogram at the old clinic, the imagery was fuzzy and difficult to view.  For the hysteroscopy, it was a very clear colour image.  I think I need to make it clear, when I say public, it's simply a public facility.  We were still obligated to cover all the expenses of the treatment; no government subsidies.  Only one province in Canada covers the costs of IVF and that's Quebec.  I believe they'll cover 3 treatments but you can only transfer a single embryo.  It would be awesome if our province did the same but alas, they won't. 

Did I mention that I have a coworker whose daughter is at the same clinic with the same doctor?  She's done one fresh cycle and one FET.  Both times she got pregnant but the pregnancy didn't progress.  She and her husband are quite young but they both have some major issues.  Her AMH is quite poor and he has a low sperm count with poor motility.  From what her mother said, she'll be cycling about the same time as me.  Fingers crossed for both of us!

BTW:  I have some Endometrin left over from my August FET.  I was hoping to use it for this cycle but the best before date is 01/13.  So if you're interested, just let me know.  

    

  

New Year. New Clinic. Old Doubts.

When I was little, I thought that in the year 2013 we would all be in flying cars or using teleportation to travel the world.  While we're still far away from flying cars and such, it doesn't seem like it's so far away.  Everything in Sta.r Tr.ek seems like a possibility.  Hopefully women in 2033 won't struggle with pregnancy as so many women do today.  Hopefully there will a be a sure fire way to make sure that only those who choose not to have children will be childless.  

This month I start my final attempt at IVF.  Sweets and I always stated that we would give it three attempts and this is our last one.  We had our meeting with the nurse at the clinic last month to go over all the schedule, the medications, and the paperwork.  For some reason, though I've done this before, it all seems more convoluted and is causing more anxiety than before.  There is more medication to be taken and the costs are so much more than the public clinic I went to before.  I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a hysteroscopy.  At that time, I can ask for more clarification on my schedule and the blood tests I need before we get started.   

Even though I'm confused, this is what I do know:

• When we had an ultrasound on Dec 17th, they found 8-9 follicles.  Not a lot but average for a 40 years apparently.  I was at the end of my cycle.  Does that make a difference?   
• In January, I'll begin using estrace.
• In mid-Feb, I begin menopur (never used it before) and puregon.  
• Though I was a high responder at my old clinic, for some reason they feel that I'll need a lot of meds now?  I'm a little confused about this part.  I guess they're assuming with my age, I'll need high doses of medication.  Can so much change in a couple of years?  How do I go from moderate doses to high doses?  Perhaps they're just playing it by ear until they see how I respond. 
• First week of March is the estimated time for retrieval .   

I know it's been a while since I've posted or even read up on the blogs.  Like many, when I'm not in the midst of treatments, I don't want to think about infertility.  It's too painful.  I've tried to just live my life these past few months.  And in that time, 4 of my high school classmates have given birth - they're all the same age as me.  Three boys and one girl.  I've got to believe that this will happen for us.  That Sweets and I will be parents one day.  There is so much anxiety around this one because it is the last attempt.  If this doesn't work, then Sweets and I will have to make peace with the fact that we'll never be parents.  I pretend to be okay with it but I'm not.   

I noticed that some bloggers may have left.  Does anyone know if Evelyn is still around?  I tried to find her blog, but couldn't. 

Happy New Year everyone.  

On the plus side, our house got the vasilopita coin.  Good luck?