Virgin mojitos it is!

I caved and purchased a HPT today from Wa.lm.art.  It was on a whim as I was buying items for my Mexico trip.  

Didn't expect to see this!  Sweets wanted me to wait.  So I didn't tell him that I bought the test.  In fact, I quickly brought the bag upstairs before he could look in my purchases.  After the lines changed, I came downstairs crying.  His automatic instinct was "She got her period."  He didn't expect me to say, "We're pregnant."  

Of course I'm still cautious.  It's only 4 weeks and a lot can happen between now and 8 months.  Heck.  A lot can happen between today and my beta on Thursday.  

This is the first time I've ever, ever seen two freaking lines.  It makes me feel good to know that at least I can get pregnant.  

I can get pregnant.  

I am pregnant. 

 Holy shit.   

Holy Shit!  Do you see it too? 12dp3dt

When friends don't get it.

On Saturday I spent the day with my friend K.  K is 6.5 months pregnant.  You may recall that she was the one who "accidentally" got pregnant.  I posted about her pregnancy here.  I know that things have been tough for her.  Things are not exactly perfect between her and her partner (he hasn't told his parents that they're going to grandparents yet!) and she has struggled in the past with depression.  While we were lining up at Sep.hora, she looked at me and said, "You know what?  I hate being pregnant.  I really hate the way I feel. Ugh."
Really?
You're telling ME of all people that you hate being pregnant?
Seriously?  

Courtesy of Google Images 

I've listened to her endless comments about being pregnant and the baby moving.  
I've gone into maternity stores, buying maternity clothes, buying baby clothes....
I've endeavoured to be a good, supportive friend.  
I've set aside the fact that it hurts me to be doing all of these things.  
I've set aside my pain because I know that she needs me.  
But to complain about being pregnant to your friend who is suffering from infertility is just plain narcissistic and ignorant.  
I looked at her and said, "I know you hate being pregnant, but I would do anything to be in your shoes."  


I think she realized what she said at that point and just shut her mouth.  A few long minutes passed and she said, "I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant.  Don't get me wrong.  I was just a friend speaking to a friend about how she felt."  
I acknowledged her feelings.  But I don't recall her acknowledging mine.
I wish she would just try to put herself in my shoes.  
She has no clue how much infertility hurts.  
How it has the ability to steal your light, your happiness.  
But I don't think she ever will.  


I don't think she has a clue about how I feel.  
About how much it hurts.       

Over Before It Got Started?

Sweets thinks I'm a pessimist. Perhaps I am. I think this cycle maybe already be over. Now before you scoff let me tell you what just happened.

Having just woken up from a nice nap with my kitties, I jumped from the couch and went upstairs to insert my Endometrin. I noticed some blood on the applicator. No big deal. Spotting is to be expected after all that messing about down there. I proceeded downstairs, washed some of the fresh blueberries we just purchased and sat down to read my email. Suddenly, I started cramping. And then the cramps got more and more intense. These were cramps like I've never experienced before. My heart pounded. My skin became drenched in sweat. I couldn't catch my breath. I was writhing on the floor in pain. To cool myself down I literally crawled into shower with my clothes on. I was too hot, in too much pain, to bother to disrobe.

Sweets felt helpless. He couldn't comfort me in any way so he called the clinic.

By the time the nurse called back, my pain had subsided. After asking a couple of questions, she felt that perhaps when I put in the Endometrin in I may have hit my cervix. With the jolt, the cervix reacted and hence then cramps. She called the cramps a "mechanical" reaction. Of course my worry was that the cramps were enough to expell the embryos. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no. All she said was that the cramps would have to be pretty violent (they were!) in order to expell them. She did provide the bread and jam analogy to try to make me feel better, but ended the conversation with "Regardless, it's out of your hands." Ugh.

Yes it's out of my hands but man, I wonder if I messed up already.

Embryos on board

You know those stickers that families have on the back on their cars? The ones that depict the whole family including the dog and cat? I want to get stickers of embryos. I don't have kids (yet) but hey I've got embryos! I wonder how people would react if all people who had ART had embie stickers?

It doesn't matter what time of day, the traffic in the lower mainland sucks. In fact, we have the worst traffic in all Canada and second worst in North America. So sure enough, in true YVR style, there was an accident on the #1 highway and so we had to take another route to the clinic. Thanks to google maps, we made it there 25 mins early. I hate waiting especially when my bladder is full and I am ready to rock this FET party!

As I mentioned in my previous post, there are a number of difference between my old public clinic and the new private one. The other one felt like a hospital. For transfer, I would put on hospital gowns. At this clinic, it was a nice sarong type skirt. Sweets used to have to change and put on scrubs; here he simply had to put on botties over his shoes. After a transfer at the old clinic, the RE would put the progesterone in for me; with,the new clinic, I went to the washroom immediately after transfer and put in the progesterone myself. At my old clinic, I rested on the table for 30 mins; at new clinic, I was escorted out and the next patient was escorted in. Some technological differences include watching them suck the embryos out of the petri dish and watching them transfer the embryos via ultrasound. My old clinic didn't do that. I guess when it's privately funded and not publicly, more tech can be purchased? And while everyone at this new clinic has been wonderful, it definitely feels like a business. No complaints really but just noticing the differences.

I'm pleased to say that the transfer is complete. Two embryos are on board. The beta is August 2 which is 3 days before my trip to Mexico. Virgin mojitos, here I come!

Picture Perfect

Morning came far too soon. Because I'm at a new clinic, I can't take my old route into the city. Well, I can but it would be a round about way of getting to,the clinic. Anyway, I had to get up at 5:30am so that I could get on the road in time to avoid the incredible gridlock that occurs on the #1. Good call because unlike my last few visits to the clinic where I arrived late, I was actually 20 mins early.

Everything was foreign. Having been at the same clinic for almost two years, I felt a bit out of sorts. I've had countless ultrasounds, but I felt like the whole process was alien. Even the nurse remarked, "You look worried." I was worried. Being the control freak that I am, I felt concerned that I didn't know how they did things. While the changerooms were nice, the flimsy paper wrap they gave me wouldn't cover my big butt. Ugh. It took me a bit to figure out how to not flash everyone my bottom. At my old clinic we were given large sheets to wrap ourselves in. Once I was in the ultrasound room, I felt more comfortable. And wow! What a space. The ultrasound room was massive in comparison to my old clinic's. At least twice the size if not more. And the table for my feet actually mechanically went up and down. Plus, they had air conditioning! I guess that's the difference between public vs. private clinic, eh?

The ultrasound literally took a minute or so. The doctor took a quick look and said, "Great uterus. Perfect. Picture perfect in fact. Ovaries are quiet, just how we want them." And that was it. Had a quick chat with the nurse about my medication and set the date. Thursday I head into the clinic for my transfer. At my old clinic, they transferred without the ultrasound (public clinic, remember?) so this will be my first transfer with a full bladder. I have a tiny bladder so I'm not looking forward to the drive into the city. Not at all.

I also asked the nurse if it was a problem for me to travel to Mexico if I get pregnant. She stated emphatically "No." Good to know. My BFF seemed a little annoyed that I was transferring before we left. She thought I would hold off until I returned. With my cycle, however, we wouldn't be able to transfer until Septemer if we waited. I've had enough of waiting. My beta will be a couple of days before my trip. So either I'll be happily drinking virgin mojitos or getting sloshed to drown my sorrows.

Now back to the "picture perfect uterus." If my lining/uterus is so awesome, why can't I get pregnant? Are all our embryos just crap? All of them? It's frustrating.

Kids These Days

Well, I've survived the first 4 days of summer school. The English 11 is class going well, though their writing and analytical skills are quite poor. My English 8 has been a challenge. They're really challenging my classroom managements skills. I had forgotten how much micro management is needed when they're this young and immature. Immaturity I can handle but things took a somewhat dangerous turn today.

Yesterday, I noticed one student making a gesture to a friend of his and mouthing, "I'm going to punch him in the face." He and I had a chat outside and I told him that he better not be thinking of having a fight after school, otherwise he would be expelled and be in serious trouble. He was adamant that he was just joking and nothing was planned. Well, guess what happened? He and another student in the class got into a fight. Fun. I got to sit in on the meeting with the two vice principals. Upon further investigation, we discovered that they had a fight two days before at the bus stop. Guess what it was over? A pair of broken headphones. That's right. Broken headphones. While we were all in the office, I told them what happened in class regarding the punching comment. I also threw in that boy #2 had been using derogatory language in class. We were working on sentence patterns and for his gerund, he wrote "Je.wing people is bad." Seriously? I had to control my anger and challenged him in his thinking. He was visibly uncomfortable (good) and feigned ignorance (yah right). Anyway, during the fight, he called student #1 a "dirty Mex.ican.". My God! What is wrong with kids? Well, despite my recommendation that both students be expelled from summer school, one of the vice principals decided to give them both one last chance.

Truly and honestly I hoped these boys would take this chance seriously. Almost immediately boy #2 started acting out. About 35mins into the class, he commently loudly and clearly to a different boy, "_____ you're dead." Hearing this, I sent boy #2 outside and told him to go to the office. He begged and he pleaded but I didn't relent. I should have escorted him to the summer school office but I didn't. Instead, he thought he would try to outsmart me and he headed to the regular office where the administrators are winding down from the 2011-2012 school year and had no clue what had just occurred the day before. So when #2 returned, boy #1 called me aside and stated that he had heard that #2 was carrying a knife and had planned to cut him. Another student verified this information as well. Really a knife?! I pulled out my phone and called the principal informing him that I have reports of a knife in my class. Moments later, two principals were at my door and student #2 was removed. They found the knife hidden in his shoe.

Why? Why did he do it? Was he scared? Was he trying to be intimidating? A kid doesn't bring a knife to school just because. I know that boy #1 has more to do with all this than we know. He's still on my radar. Here's hoping he learned something from all this and makes it through these next 15 days. Let's hope I make it through the next 15 days!

Holy Cramps Batman!

When I was researching endometrial biopsies, I knew there could be some complications - fever, infection... What I didn't anticipate were the bowl-me-over-in-pain cramps I would experience with my period. Holy moly! A whack load of pain killers, a heating pad, and four hours later, the cramps finally subsided. Never have I had cramps that painful before. At least none that I can remember.

I called in my cycle yesterday. Nice to see that the nurses are still available on a stat holiday. Any way, I started my estrace and my ultrasound is on the 17th. My BFF J has offered to teach my summer school classes that day. Normally I would have to cover the costs of a TOC (teacher on call) but she's refusing compensation. Very thoughtful of her. :) I'm assuming that 2 days after the ultrasound, I'll be transferring my last 2 embryos.

There's always this sense of excitement when heading into a treatment. But it is necessary to guard my heart. Too many disappointments along the way.

In work related news, I met my summer session classes today. The English 11 is a super small class. They seem nice enough though. Two of the students were actually in my English 10 summer session course last year. I guess they didn't, learn. The English 8 will be a challenge. I haven't taught them in years and had forgotten how squirrelly 13/14 year olds can be. I'll have to be a bit of a drill sargent for a while. Not my style but necessary it seems. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day with them.

Infertility Infographic

I just came across this.  Interesting.  I've read that in the States infertility hits 1 in 8 couples.  Strange that in Canada it's 1 in 6.  Huh.

Infertility Infographic

Happy 145th Canada!

I love Canada Day.  I love Canada.  When teaching History and Social Studies, I am so incredibly grateful to live in this wonderful, peaceful nation.  Of course there are things I would love to change, but when you consider the economic free fall in Greece and the civil war in Syria, gosh darn it.  We're freaking lucky to live in Canada.  Yes, my mortgage is astronomical but at least I have a beautiful home.  Yes, I pay a lot in taxes, but I don't have to worry about losing my home if I get sick.  Yes, the weather sucks, but hey, I live in a lush rain forest with gorgeous mountains and fresh air.  There are so many wonderful things in this country.  If you watched the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics, you may recall Shane Koyczan's "We Are More."  Here is an abridged version of his fabulous poem.      

Now on to the baby making business.  I had my biopsy a couple of weeks ago (holy ow!) and have transported the embryos to the new clinic.  Biggest bump so far?  The new clinic likes its patients to have a TSH below 2.5.  My TSH have been all over the map.  I had it tested about 3 weeks ago and it was 2.9 but after 3 weeks of synthyroid, it went up to 3.4.  WTF?  Seriously?  I had a momentary break down thinking that my FET would be pushed back yet again, but thankfully we'll be able to proceed.  The doctor had me up my medications a little.  Let's hope that does the trick.  The protocol is a little different from my original clinic.  Rather than patches, I'll be taking a pill.  The progesterone is still vaginal suppositories but it's a different brand than what I've used in the past.  I have an estimated transfer date of the 18th.  I'll be interested to see how my body reacts to the different medication. 


Between now and transfer, I have summer school start up, a 6th birthday party to attend, and a wedding to go to.   With summer school, I'm teaching English 8, which I haven't taught since 2005, and English 11, which I've never taught.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends/colleagues who have given me a lot of their lesson plans so I'm not completely starting from scratch.  There is a lot to keep me preoccupied before transfer.  I hope everything goes well and there are no set backs!


Happy Canada Day everyone!