Hope Springs Eternal

True be told, I've had a bit of a sh*tty day.  Our provincial government has decided to legislate a contract on teachers which essentially strips any class size legislation, autonomy regarding professional development, seniority....and more.  So crappy.  On days like this, I honestly question why I'm a teacher.  But that's not what this post is about.  On to better news.  

Image courtesy of Google Images.

I had my quicky appointment with Dr. R today.  While I appreciated Dr. C., Dr. R. was a breath of fresh air.  He looked over my file and essentially came up with a plan of attack.  There are four things we're going to do differently for my FET.  First off, I have to get my thyroid checked.  It's been checked in the past but since I have a family history of hypothyroidism in my family plus after my first IVF cycle, my thyroid levels were out of whack.  Second, I have to get a sonohysterogram at some point this week.  Third, he wants to perform a full uterine biopsy or as he said it "a four corner scrape".  Dr. C. did one but he didn't do the full biopsy.  When Dr. C did it, it hurt like a son-of-a-gun and that was only a partial scrape.  What's this one going to feel like?  Ouch!  Lastly, the day of the transfer, I will be given an injection which will prevent my uterus from contracting.  He reassured me that the fact that I only have a day of flow isn't an issue.  Apparently, the more important factor is the length of my cycle.  When that changes, then there are complicates.  Thankfully, I'm still like clockwork when it comes to AF.  I also mentioned that I'm concerned about my age.  He rebutted with "You're not old.  You're a project."  Normally, I wouldn't take it too kindly to be called "a project" but when he said those words, I almost burst into tears in his office.  Like many who have been on this horrible, depressing path, I've been feeling pretty hopeless about TTC.  This meeting with Dr. R has given me hope.  I haven't had that in a while.  

Fitting in?

The day after I made my appointment with Dr. R. the clinic called to let me know that they could fit me in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's to my benefit or not as he is squeezing me into a 15 min slot.  Can we have a meaningful conversation in such a short time?  I hope so.  On the positive side of things, I'm thankful that I can get started a month sooner in preparation for the next FET.  So rather than waiting until March 26th, I'm getting in almost a month earlier.     

Cartoon Courtesy of
Google Images

Speaking of fitting in, another blogger, Michaela, posted an eloquent piece about being an Outsider and how those who have been on this infertility journey for a while become war weary.  Her post spoke to me.  When I found out that we needed help conceiving, I felt alone and as if no one would understand me.  Then I discovered the IF community online.  I found women who knew exactly how I felt.  My need to belong and to be understood was fulfilled.  But as the months passed, as my treatments continued and failed, I became quite jaded.  Still am.  The IF forums no longer fulfilled my need for understanding and belonging.  What changed?  I don't know.  All I know to be true is that infertility has changed me.  My heart has been broken in ways that I never could have imagined.  I've cried more than I ever thought possible.    


Years ago, my mother took me to a psychic fair.  For my 21st birthday, my mother paid for my palm to be read.  After carefully inspecting the lines on my palm, the palm reader predicted that would have three sons.  I recall being so shocked and dismayed.  "I could never have three boys!" I exclaimed to my mother.  Shame on my fertile loins! The prospect of having three boys frightened me and I was adamant that it would never happen.  Little did I know that my words would become reality.  Now, when I think about my fertility, the glass is definitely half empty.  In a few short months, I'll hit the dreaded 40 and we all know what that means for a woman's fertility.  May as well sound the death knell of my ovaries!  Am I being pragmatic or am I putting up a defense against the failure and disappointment?  Perhaps a little of both.     

Time

When you're dealing with infertility everything seems to be focused on time. There's a lot of waiting - waiting for appointments, waiting to start treatments, waiting for your period, waiting for those terrible two weeks, waiting for those two lines. Everything takes time. When you're close to hitting 40, time becomes your enemy. There simply isn't enough time. For the past three cycles, my periods have reduced to one full day of flow from my traditional three. Time is of the essence for me. I can see my fertility slipping away from me month by month. It scares me to death that I may never be a mother. I am terrified.

After months of procrastinating and putting it off, I finally called my clinic today to discuss my next FET. Since my original RE is gone, I was informed by the secretary that if it's been over 6 months, I would need to be referred by my family doctor, again. What? More waiting? That didn't seem right. Thankfully I had seen Dr. C. in September to discuss my October FET. I just snuck in under that 6 month rule. So March 26th, I'm in to see Dr. R. I've dealt with him quite a bit over the past year so I'm quite familiar with him. But March 26th? That seems so far away. Granted, the clinic is a doctor down with Dr.C's departure, but I was assured I would get in quite quickly.

Sweets and I have been chatting about babies and such these past few weeks. I think he is still convinced that we're going to get pregnant. If he has his doubts, he's not sharing them with me. Probably for the best as one of us has to have hope. With this next FET, we will have transferred 12 embryos. Twelve. Two fresh cycles and three frozen. If this FET doesn't work, then what?

When we first started down this path, we both agreed that we would give three IVF cycles a go. Last year was a tough year financially, so that 3rd cycle seemed unlikely. Now that Sweets' work has picked up again, cycle 3 seems possible. Granted, we will add a little bit more to our debt, but not like our last cycle.

But really how many cycles is enough? It's easy to see how this can be somewhat addictive because when do you let go of your dreams? How do you let go of it?