Infertility is difficult to deal with on any old day. Mother's Day is the worst. Yes, I take the time to recognize the awesomeness of my own mother, my Aiti. She deserves all the accolades I can muster. But while everyone else is enjoying special breakfasts, brunches, and bouquets, I'm only reminded of my failure to join that special mommy club. Never did I think that I would be 40 and childless. Never. Yet here I am. A childless mother.
So, to all of you suffering silently today while others celebrate and "Happy Mother's Day" updates overwhelm your Twitter or Facebook pages, I'm sending you a massive cyber hug and hoping that soon all of us will be able to partake in the celebrations.
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Sunday, November 6, 2011
What to do next?
Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next. Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3 but I'm not ready. Not ready emotionally, physically or financially. I want to take a break from infertility. Just for a little while. Is that possible? I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.
I'm going to take the next few months off. Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET. My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.
Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work. I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments. I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner. I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.
If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET. Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF. We simply cannot afford another round at this point. I've been thinking about IUIs with injections. Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low. But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option. While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF. Hopefully the RE will agree.
Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what? Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption. With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother. I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind. Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents. That just kills me. I so want to make them grandparents. It pains me that they're not. It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant. Argh.... Life sucks sometimes.
I'm going to take the next few months off. Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET. My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.
Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work. I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments. I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner. I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.
If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET. Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF. We simply cannot afford another round at this point. I've been thinking about IUIs with injections. Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low. But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option. While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF. Hopefully the RE will agree.
Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what? Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption. With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother. I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind. Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents. That just kills me. I so want to make them grandparents. It pains me that they're not. It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant. Argh.... Life sucks sometimes.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Patching it up
Waiting is the name of the game when it comes to dealing with infertility treatments. We wait for our periods. We wait for ovulation. We wait for our betas. We wait and wait and wait. This cycle I had to wait an extra week for my period to arrive. Thankfully she did arrive yesterday, with full force. So finally I get to start the next phase of my infertility "journey" (more like a marathon).
Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week. It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer. Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again. Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus. The patches continue until the beta.
Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists. I'm most anxious about my little frostie. I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing. I only have one! We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer. The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed. Please, please, please God. Please let him survive the thaw. Please.
On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH. Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work. My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated. As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell). According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia. Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie. Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2! I have a family history of hypothryoid. My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it. Joy. Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well. I
It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately. But I will soldier on. What other choice do I have?
Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week. It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer. Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again. Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus. The patches continue until the beta.
Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists. I'm most anxious about my little frostie. I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing. I only have one! We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer. The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed. Please, please, please God. Please let him survive the thaw. Please.
On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH. Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work. My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated. As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell). According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia. Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie. Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2! I have a family history of hypothryoid. My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it. Joy. Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well. I
It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately. But I will soldier on. What other choice do I have?
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