When friends don't get it.

On Saturday I spent the day with my friend K.  K is 6.5 months pregnant.  You may recall that she was the one who "accidentally" got pregnant.  I posted about her pregnancy here.  I know that things have been tough for her.  Things are not exactly perfect between her and her partner (he hasn't told his parents that they're going to grandparents yet!) and she has struggled in the past with depression.  While we were lining up at Sep.hora, she looked at me and said, "You know what?  I hate being pregnant.  I really hate the way I feel. Ugh."
Really?
You're telling ME of all people that you hate being pregnant?
Seriously?  

Courtesy of Google Images 

I've listened to her endless comments about being pregnant and the baby moving.  
I've gone into maternity stores, buying maternity clothes, buying baby clothes....
I've endeavoured to be a good, supportive friend.  
I've set aside the fact that it hurts me to be doing all of these things.  
I've set aside my pain because I know that she needs me.  
But to complain about being pregnant to your friend who is suffering from infertility is just plain narcissistic and ignorant.  
I looked at her and said, "I know you hate being pregnant, but I would do anything to be in your shoes."  


I think she realized what she said at that point and just shut her mouth.  A few long minutes passed and she said, "I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant.  Don't get me wrong.  I was just a friend speaking to a friend about how she felt."  
I acknowledged her feelings.  But I don't recall her acknowledging mine.
I wish she would just try to put herself in my shoes.  
She has no clue how much infertility hurts.  
How it has the ability to steal your light, your happiness.  
But I don't think she ever will.  


I don't think she has a clue about how I feel.  
About how much it hurts.       

Happy 145th Canada!

I love Canada Day.  I love Canada.  When teaching History and Social Studies, I am so incredibly grateful to live in this wonderful, peaceful nation.  Of course there are things I would love to change, but when you consider the economic free fall in Greece and the civil war in Syria, gosh darn it.  We're freaking lucky to live in Canada.  Yes, my mortgage is astronomical but at least I have a beautiful home.  Yes, I pay a lot in taxes, but I don't have to worry about losing my home if I get sick.  Yes, the weather sucks, but hey, I live in a lush rain forest with gorgeous mountains and fresh air.  There are so many wonderful things in this country.  If you watched the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics, you may recall Shane Koyczan's "We Are More."  Here is an abridged version of his fabulous poem.      

Now on to the baby making business.  I had my biopsy a couple of weeks ago (holy ow!) and have transported the embryos to the new clinic.  Biggest bump so far?  The new clinic likes its patients to have a TSH below 2.5.  My TSH have been all over the map.  I had it tested about 3 weeks ago and it was 2.9 but after 3 weeks of synthyroid, it went up to 3.4.  WTF?  Seriously?  I had a momentary break down thinking that my FET would be pushed back yet again, but thankfully we'll be able to proceed.  The doctor had me up my medications a little.  Let's hope that does the trick.  The protocol is a little different from my original clinic.  Rather than patches, I'll be taking a pill.  The progesterone is still vaginal suppositories but it's a different brand than what I've used in the past.  I have an estimated transfer date of the 18th.  I'll be interested to see how my body reacts to the different medication. 


Between now and transfer, I have summer school start up, a 6th birthday party to attend, and a wedding to go to.   With summer school, I'm teaching English 8, which I haven't taught since 2005, and English 11, which I've never taught.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends/colleagues who have given me a lot of their lesson plans so I'm not completely starting from scratch.  There is a lot to keep me preoccupied before transfer.  I hope everything goes well and there are no set backs!


Happy Canada Day everyone!      


  





  

Everyone but me

If you're reading this, you're probably one of the many people suffering from infertility.  And you've probably lamented how it seems like everyone is pregnant except for you.  Right?  Well, I know how you feel.  I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women. And recently one of my close friends joined their ranks.  

Courtesy of Google Images

K and I are very close in age, only about a week apart.  She moved back to Canada after spending almost a decade working in the States.  Moving back was all about her making a better and a fuller life.  In the time span a year, K has found a new job, moved back to Canada, and entered into a new relationship.  She's a wonderful person who never knew if love would come her way.  Thankfully A came into her life.  They've been together for a year now and she's madly in love.  I'm so happy for her.  


She knows that I've been trying to get pregnant; knows about all our struggles.  Yesterday she invited me over for lunch and she spilled the beans.  "I'm pregnant."  At first I wanted to cry, and then I remembered that this was not about me.  Her being pregnant has nothing to do with my infertility.  She was afraid to tell me.  She was worried I would be upset.  And I was.  I am.  Like many people who suffer with infertility, it just seems like everyone is pregnant but me.  K hardly ever sees her bf because he works out of town 3 weeks at a time.  Sweets and I time our intimate moments and still no dice.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her.  She deserves to be happy.  To be a mother.  I just wish I could join her.  


K is a big believer in "The Secret".  The idea that you have to put out positive energy and it'll come back to you.  She said that she's been visualizing herself pregnant, in the hospital, pushing a stroller.  She insists that I start to do that too.  I don't know.  I tried it, but I'm having trouble seeing it.  Perhaps it's because the optimism has been removed from my heart.  All the pain of the disappointments have scarred me in some way, preventing me from seeing things on the other side.   


I don't know how this will change our relationship. I love K dearly but I don't know if I can constantly listen to the baby talk.  I want to be the good friend but how?  How do you celebrate a friend's "surprise" pregnancy while you're suffering?  Argh...

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It's so easy to focus and fixate on all the things that we don't have in our lives that we often forget about all the wonderful things surrounding us.  Today I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.

I am thankful for my incredibly thoughtful, loving and supportive husband.  Though we've only been married for seven years, we've been together for almost twenty.  We've grown up together.  And rather than growing apart as we age, we've grown closer than ever.  He's my rock and my light.  I love you Sweets.

I am thankful for my amazing parents.  Really, I have no words to express my gratitude and love for them.  They've been there for me every step of the way.  Whether it was helping me through university, providing me with a room over my head, or comforting me when, once again, my body betrayed me, they have offered me unconditional love and support.  I love you Aiti and Isi.  

I am thankful for my friends.  Whether I need a laugh or a shoulder, I know that I can count on them.   I love you I, J, and S. 

I am thankful for my kitties, my substitute babies.  Not a day goes by without laughter or cuddles.  My boys provide me with an outlet for my need to be a mother.  I love you pudsters.

I am thankful for my job.  I love teaching.  I love working with teenagers.  I love helping them find their path.  Actually, it's not a job; it's a calling.  To hear students say that they look forward to my class all day makes my heart sing.  I love to teach.

I am thankful for my home.  To have a place of our own is just a dream come true.  I love my home. 

I have many things to be thankful for.  It's time to take off my IF blinders and appreciate all that I do have.   I love my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  

5dp3dt

I know I'm not alone in saying that the two week wait sucks.  It's not even half way through the wait and I feel like I'm going a little mental.  Thankfully this week is going to be a little busy so I can take my mind of things and step away from Dr. Google.  

On Saturday I had a wonderful time hanging out with some of my high school girlfriends.  My friend Kelly recently returned to Canada after living in the USA for 10 years.  She wanted to celebrate her return so she hosted a great little party.  Since it was a topic of conversation the last time we got together, I was a little worried that the whole topic of TTC was going to come up again.  The last time I saw everyone together like this was about a month before my first IVF cycle.  We had a lot of laughs, played a little Wii, and enjoyed some amazing food.  It was exactly what I needed.  

Also on Saturday, I was supposed to call the embryologist to find out about the remaining two embryos that they were culturing.  Just I picked up the phone to call the number, I noticed a little note indicating that if my date to call landed on a Saturday, I would need to call on Monday to find out.  Bummer.  After a morning spent clock watching, I called the embryologist's lab today to find out the news.  As expected, the two they were culturing did not make it.  I suspect they were the two poorer quality embryos and the 5 that were frozen on Day 3 were among the best.  Of course it's disappointing but I'm still comforted by the fact that we have 5 waiting, just in case.  

As for symptom watch, there's really nothing much to report.  My cramping comes and goes.  It definitely feels like my period but from what I've read, there are similarities between menstrual cramps and early pregnancy cramps.  According to a implantation chart I found, yesterday, the embryo(s) would have started the task of burrowing into the lining.  Do people feel it implanting?  Is it a cramp?  Is it a twinge?  Also, I've read that with the progesterone, the cramping could be a result of the uterus preparing for implantation.  In the end, I have no clue.  It's a little disconcerting.  Yesterday, the breast soreness started.  I'm sure that's courtesy of the progesterone as well.  Other than the sore breasts and the cramps, I have no other symptoms.  I've never been pregnant so I have no clue what pregnancy feels like.

Zeus admiring the garden at sunset

Sadly, I'm well versed in what not being pregnant feels like.

On a different note, they're demolishing the beautiful old home behind our townhouse to put up a new townhouse complex.  I suppose it's somewhat hypocritical of me to be annoyed by this, but sadly we'll no longer have this beautiful view of the mountains and the sunset.      

A tourist in my own city

For the past week, my friends L and S visited with us from Atlanta.  They are a blast.  As a result of a pen pal exchange program, L and I started writing each other when we were 14 or 15.  We met his partner S about 6 years ago while we were vacationing in London.  This week has been good for me.  Sweets and I have been laughing non-stop.  S is a hoot.  He is truly hilarious.  And even though I started injections on Tuesday, I haven't really thought of this cycle too much.  Yes, I've felt twinges in the ovaries but unlike last time, I haven't been consumed by thoughts of injections and babies.

When I arrived at my appointment on Tuesday, I was a little upset that I had the new nurse.  By new, I mean that she's been there for about a year so she's still a little inexperienced.  Nurse Vickie was uber flaky.  She kept forgetting things like picking up my blood work results and the injection kit.  She just seemed frazzled.  Needless to say, I didn't feel like I was in the best hands.  At this session, I discovered that I'm identified as a "high responder".  Really, that means nothing at all.  I may get a lot of eggs but I can't get pregnant.   Nurse Vickie indicated that I would be taking a new medication but rather than Menopur as previously indicated, I was going to be on Bravelle.  The idea of mixing the medications and injecting myself up to 3x a day was not appealing but like everyone else, I was willing to do it.    When the training was done, I asked her about my left over Puregon and what I should do with it.  Thankfully, my doctor was just next door so she popped in to ask him.  He seemed to feel that there was no reason why I couldn't just continue with the Puregon.  If LH is needed, it can be added in later.  

Tomorrow I go in for my day 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Here's hoping that everything is growing on schedule.       

 

I suck as a friend

I'm a bad friend.  


Fertility jealousy has made me a bad friend.  A friend of mine announced her pregnancy about 2 months ago.  She was only about 2 months along and stated that it was an accidental pregnancy.  I was jealous.  How is it that she was able to get pregnant so easily when I've been struggling?  How is it that she has abused her body over the years and she's pregnant?  Even our mutual friends questioned how this was possible.  Three years ago, she was obese - about 300lbs.  Her legs were failing her, she was finding it difficult to breath and working as a hair stylist was taking its toil on her.  Her legs simply couldn't hold her up for extended periods of time.  Her only companionship was her 7 dogs which lived with her in her tiny trailer home.  She couldn't even take the dogs for a walk - it was too much for her.    


After an agonizing wait for approval, she obtained her gastric bypass.  Her excitement was infectious.  And we all celebrated with her - a new life was beginning.  Her road has been brutal.  Not only has she dealt with complications from hernias but she even died for a few minutes while recovering from her hernia operations.  Shortly after losing over 100lbs, she met someone.  And together, they started partying and having a lot of fun.  It was as if she was living the youth that she never got to experience.  Doing the things that most of us got out of our systems long ago.  At our 20 year grad reunion last July, she was drinking far more than she was eating and had to be carried out at the end of each evening.  Then in November, she announced that she was pregnant and I was so incredibly envious.  I wished her well, and then proceeded to block her on facebook.


Yesterday, I noticed a post from a mutual facebook friend, wishing her well and a speedy recovery.  She was hospitalized due to popped hernia.  Further, a large fibroid had developed in her uterus.  There was some concern that she would lose the baby, but thankfully she hasn't.  


I'm a bad friend.  Here is a girl who has struggled her whole life - her weight, her lack of mobility, her loneliness, her sadness.  For the first time in a very long time, she's happy.  She has a great year with a new love, a new home and a new baby and I am so self centred that I couldn't be happy for her simply because she got pregnant without trying.


I have to change.  This bitterness is not healthy for me nor helpful on the road to pregnancy.  She deserves all the happiness in the world and I have no right to demean, devalue or belittle it.  One day, I too will announce my pregnancy.  


Just not on facebook.