And the world keeps on turning

Every time I'm on here, I feel the need to apologize for my lack of blogging.  In all honesty, other than the IF stuff in my life, everything is rather mundane.  I have my routines.  Each morning I wake up at 6:15am.  I shower, get dressed, put on my makeup, feed the cats, make my oatmeal and tea, and drive to work.  And while the classes and lessons differ, it's pretty routine there as well. 
Boring.
Mundane. 
Routine. 
I like it.  It's predictable.  I feel like I can control all those outcomes.  Even in a class of 30 very diverse students, I feel like it's all under control  I tend to have a great relationship with my classes so I worry very little about classroom management.  Even the student whose IEP states "disrespectful to female teachers" works well in my room.  (hope I didn't just jinx that!) 

So it really messes with my mind that the only thing I can't control is the one thing I so desperately want to.  A little bit of chaos at work, keeps me on my toes. But infertility is a tornado that constantly lands in my household without warning.  As soon as I've cleaned up, patched up, or renovated the place, another tornado hits.  Frustrating. 

I shared with my friend B that I had a miscarriage in August.  I haven't spoken with too many people about it.  Why bring them down?  B, you may recall, is due next week - on the 25th.  She's one of my preggo friends that doesn't irritate the heck out of me.  Her BFFS have organized a surprise baby shower for next week. Personally I think it's ridiculous to have a baby shower so close to her due date for a variety of reasons.

1. many first time mothers are late.
2. if the baby is early, mommy needs time to adjust to being a mommy.
3. people want to cuddle the baby.  a really newborn is so freaking new.  don't know how much it'll tolerate "pass the baby" at a shower. 

But, I was ignored.  Apparently that date worked out for everyone else.  Yes.  Let's take our needs into consideration but not the new mommy.  Ugh..whatever.  I'll go along with their freaking reindeer games even though I think they're being illogical.   

Anyway, my "WTF do we do now?" appointment with Dr. N is in early October.  I hope he has some answers.  I hope that we can do IVF 3.0 in November but I'm not sure with the timing and such.  My cycle is still pretty much like clockwork. TMI Alert! I found it odd that when I miscarried, I hardly bleed.  It was like a regular cycle - 2-3 days.  This past cycle was the heaviest cycle I've had in a long time.  I was bleeding for a good 5 days with 2 of them being very heavy.  I guess the uterus really clean up that last time.

On the plus side of things, Sweets just landed a pretty high profile contract.  If all works out, his work will be seen by millions on an Amer.ican television station.  Fingers crossed that this is the break gets him into the Amer.ican fi.lm and tele.vision market.   

Well, I must go back to marking compositions on the Treaty of Versailles and the League of Nations.  I know you're all jealous, aren't you? ;)  With that, I'll leave you with my song du jour. 

   

 

Holiday, hurricane, and hope

I seem to have this horrible habit of hiding after an unsuccessful cycle.  While I know that I should use this space as a place to vent and to express myself, for some reason I choose to hide and repress.  I haven't really thought too much about the chemical pregnancy.  I avoid talking about it.  I don't know if it's my coping mechanism but I don't want to talk about it.  When I do, it's almost like an aside.  I bring it up in a casual "Oh yah, and I had a miscarriage."  How messed up am I?  

I haven't had my WTF appointment with my RE yet.  He's on holidays and doesn't get back until the 10th.  So I have to call then to make my next appointment.  I would like to do my next fresh cycle in November.  I know that this cycle didn't end the way I hoped, but I have to focus on the fact that for the first time ever, I actually got pregnant.  It is possible for me to get pregnant.

I would like to say that my holiday was relaxing and completely enjoyable but it wasn't.  Turns out we were right in the path of Hurricane Ernesto.  In fact, the day the hurricane hit, I started to bleed.  Good times.  I quite enjoy storms - rain storms, thunder storms, wind storms.  So to experience a hurricane was quite interesting.

On the bulletin from the hotel, we were informed that we were to stay in our room from 9pm to 7:30am.  And in the case of the patio door being blown out, we were to put our mattress up against the blown out door and hide in the bathroom.  Great advice except that the wall between our sleeping area and the bathroom had a huge window as well.  It was a fitful night of sleep - the wind and rain thundered down all night.  By the time we woke up, it was still windy, but quite beautiful.  From what I read, there was very little damage done to the surrounding communities and I don't believe that there were any casualties.  Thank goodness.

Beautiful.

Miscarriage and hurricane aside, the rest of the trip consisted of lounging by the pool, drinking copious amounts of alcohol (I think I've had my share of mojitos, lime margaritas, and icebergs - corona w/ lime margarita - for the rest of the year!), swimming with the turtles, and indulging on tasty food.  The resort was beautiful and the service was excellent.  Next time, I must go with my husband.  It was fun but it just didn't feel right without him there.

It hasn't been a relaxing summer.  Normally at this time of year, I feel recharged and ready to teach.  Unfortunately, I don't feel well rested.  I'm exhausted and I hope that doesn't bite me in the butt and I end up burning out this year.
  
       

Beta #2 :(

47.  It went up by 6. Not even close to the doubling they want/expect.

I'm upset but I anticipated this result.

Well, good thing I can imbibe in my mojitos. Looks like I may be in for a hurricane. Miscarrying while in a hurricane.  What a summer holiday I'll be having.

I'll just wait for the clinic to validate that this is a chemical pregnancy and then I'll stop my medications.

Different ranges?

I am obsessing.  I know that I'm obsessing.  


Dr. Goo.gle has both been a shining light and a dismal corridor when it comes to researching betas.  What I wonder about is why the huge difference in HCG ranges?  


The lab that did my test has the following for their point of reference.


0 - 1 Week: 5-50 
1 - 2 Weeks: 40-300
2 - 3 Weeks: 100-10003 - 4 Weeks: 500-6000


Now, is this according to the last menstrual period or ovulation?  It does not specify.  If it's post ovulation, then I would fall in the 1-2 week range.  If it's according to my cycle, then my beta is far too low to be considered viable.          


Then I found the BC Biomedical Reference guide for all their tests.  Currently I'm about 4 weeks from my last menstrual period (LMP).  


Here are their ranges. 



Time after LMP Expected Range
3rd week (6-71)
4th week (10-750)
5th week (217-7138)


I don't get it.  Why such a difference?    


I hope to God that I can get a second beta on Saturday.  It sucks being in limbo.  

From the bottom of my heart...

Thank you.  


Thank you so much.  It such a strange thing to know that there are people, individuals who I've never met before, who are sending me their love and well wishes.  


What ever the outcome of all this, please know that you have all moved me with your kindness, your encouragement, your support.


Thank you.    

Nothing is easy.

Checked online for my beta.

Not the best number.

 It's 41.

 It falls within the guidelines but just barely. The numbers range from 40-300 so I'm on the low side.  other websites have different numbers so I don't know how I should feel right now.

Maybe I won't be drinking virgins mojitos.

My clinic's protocol is to test a week after the first beta but I think I'll ask for another beta on Saturday to see if it doubles.

Has anyone heard of positive outcomes with low betas?

Virgin mojitos it is!

I caved and purchased a HPT today from Wa.lm.art.  It was on a whim as I was buying items for my Mexico trip.  

Didn't expect to see this!  Sweets wanted me to wait.  So I didn't tell him that I bought the test.  In fact, I quickly brought the bag upstairs before he could look in my purchases.  After the lines changed, I came downstairs crying.  His automatic instinct was "She got her period."  He didn't expect me to say, "We're pregnant."  

Of course I'm still cautious.  It's only 4 weeks and a lot can happen between now and 8 months.  Heck.  A lot can happen between today and my beta on Thursday.  

This is the first time I've ever, ever seen two freaking lines.  It makes me feel good to know that at least I can get pregnant.  

I can get pregnant.  

I am pregnant. 

 Holy shit.   

Holy Shit!  Do you see it too? 12dp3dt

When friends don't get it.

On Saturday I spent the day with my friend K.  K is 6.5 months pregnant.  You may recall that she was the one who "accidentally" got pregnant.  I posted about her pregnancy here.  I know that things have been tough for her.  Things are not exactly perfect between her and her partner (he hasn't told his parents that they're going to grandparents yet!) and she has struggled in the past with depression.  While we were lining up at Sep.hora, she looked at me and said, "You know what?  I hate being pregnant.  I really hate the way I feel. Ugh."
Really?
You're telling ME of all people that you hate being pregnant?
Seriously?  

Courtesy of Google Images 

I've listened to her endless comments about being pregnant and the baby moving.  
I've gone into maternity stores, buying maternity clothes, buying baby clothes....
I've endeavoured to be a good, supportive friend.  
I've set aside the fact that it hurts me to be doing all of these things.  
I've set aside my pain because I know that she needs me.  
But to complain about being pregnant to your friend who is suffering from infertility is just plain narcissistic and ignorant.  
I looked at her and said, "I know you hate being pregnant, but I would do anything to be in your shoes."  


I think she realized what she said at that point and just shut her mouth.  A few long minutes passed and she said, "I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant.  Don't get me wrong.  I was just a friend speaking to a friend about how she felt."  
I acknowledged her feelings.  But I don't recall her acknowledging mine.
I wish she would just try to put herself in my shoes.  
She has no clue how much infertility hurts.  
How it has the ability to steal your light, your happiness.  
But I don't think she ever will.  


I don't think she has a clue about how I feel.  
About how much it hurts.       

Over Before It Got Started?

Sweets thinks I'm a pessimist. Perhaps I am. I think this cycle maybe already be over. Now before you scoff let me tell you what just happened.

Having just woken up from a nice nap with my kitties, I jumped from the couch and went upstairs to insert my Endometrin. I noticed some blood on the applicator. No big deal. Spotting is to be expected after all that messing about down there. I proceeded downstairs, washed some of the fresh blueberries we just purchased and sat down to read my email. Suddenly, I started cramping. And then the cramps got more and more intense. These were cramps like I've never experienced before. My heart pounded. My skin became drenched in sweat. I couldn't catch my breath. I was writhing on the floor in pain. To cool myself down I literally crawled into shower with my clothes on. I was too hot, in too much pain, to bother to disrobe.

Sweets felt helpless. He couldn't comfort me in any way so he called the clinic.

By the time the nurse called back, my pain had subsided. After asking a couple of questions, she felt that perhaps when I put in the Endometrin in I may have hit my cervix. With the jolt, the cervix reacted and hence then cramps. She called the cramps a "mechanical" reaction. Of course my worry was that the cramps were enough to expell the embryos. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no. All she said was that the cramps would have to be pretty violent (they were!) in order to expell them. She did provide the bread and jam analogy to try to make me feel better, but ended the conversation with "Regardless, it's out of your hands." Ugh.

Yes it's out of my hands but man, I wonder if I messed up already.

Embryos on board

You know those stickers that families have on the back on their cars? The ones that depict the whole family including the dog and cat? I want to get stickers of embryos. I don't have kids (yet) but hey I've got embryos! I wonder how people would react if all people who had ART had embie stickers?

It doesn't matter what time of day, the traffic in the lower mainland sucks. In fact, we have the worst traffic in all Canada and second worst in North America. So sure enough, in true YVR style, there was an accident on the #1 highway and so we had to take another route to the clinic. Thanks to google maps, we made it there 25 mins early. I hate waiting especially when my bladder is full and I am ready to rock this FET party!

As I mentioned in my previous post, there are a number of difference between my old public clinic and the new private one. The other one felt like a hospital. For transfer, I would put on hospital gowns. At this clinic, it was a nice sarong type skirt. Sweets used to have to change and put on scrubs; here he simply had to put on botties over his shoes. After a transfer at the old clinic, the RE would put the progesterone in for me; with,the new clinic, I went to the washroom immediately after transfer and put in the progesterone myself. At my old clinic, I rested on the table for 30 mins; at new clinic, I was escorted out and the next patient was escorted in. Some technological differences include watching them suck the embryos out of the petri dish and watching them transfer the embryos via ultrasound. My old clinic didn't do that. I guess when it's privately funded and not publicly, more tech can be purchased? And while everyone at this new clinic has been wonderful, it definitely feels like a business. No complaints really but just noticing the differences.

I'm pleased to say that the transfer is complete. Two embryos are on board. The beta is August 2 which is 3 days before my trip to Mexico. Virgin mojitos, here I come!

Picture Perfect

Morning came far too soon. Because I'm at a new clinic, I can't take my old route into the city. Well, I can but it would be a round about way of getting to,the clinic. Anyway, I had to get up at 5:30am so that I could get on the road in time to avoid the incredible gridlock that occurs on the #1. Good call because unlike my last few visits to the clinic where I arrived late, I was actually 20 mins early.

Everything was foreign. Having been at the same clinic for almost two years, I felt a bit out of sorts. I've had countless ultrasounds, but I felt like the whole process was alien. Even the nurse remarked, "You look worried." I was worried. Being the control freak that I am, I felt concerned that I didn't know how they did things. While the changerooms were nice, the flimsy paper wrap they gave me wouldn't cover my big butt. Ugh. It took me a bit to figure out how to not flash everyone my bottom. At my old clinic we were given large sheets to wrap ourselves in. Once I was in the ultrasound room, I felt more comfortable. And wow! What a space. The ultrasound room was massive in comparison to my old clinic's. At least twice the size if not more. And the table for my feet actually mechanically went up and down. Plus, they had air conditioning! I guess that's the difference between public vs. private clinic, eh?

The ultrasound literally took a minute or so. The doctor took a quick look and said, "Great uterus. Perfect. Picture perfect in fact. Ovaries are quiet, just how we want them." And that was it. Had a quick chat with the nurse about my medication and set the date. Thursday I head into the clinic for my transfer. At my old clinic, they transferred without the ultrasound (public clinic, remember?) so this will be my first transfer with a full bladder. I have a tiny bladder so I'm not looking forward to the drive into the city. Not at all.

I also asked the nurse if it was a problem for me to travel to Mexico if I get pregnant. She stated emphatically "No." Good to know. My BFF seemed a little annoyed that I was transferring before we left. She thought I would hold off until I returned. With my cycle, however, we wouldn't be able to transfer until Septemer if we waited. I've had enough of waiting. My beta will be a couple of days before my trip. So either I'll be happily drinking virgin mojitos or getting sloshed to drown my sorrows.

Now back to the "picture perfect uterus." If my lining/uterus is so awesome, why can't I get pregnant? Are all our embryos just crap? All of them? It's frustrating.

Kids These Days

Well, I've survived the first 4 days of summer school. The English 11 is class going well, though their writing and analytical skills are quite poor. My English 8 has been a challenge. They're really challenging my classroom managements skills. I had forgotten how much micro management is needed when they're this young and immature. Immaturity I can handle but things took a somewhat dangerous turn today.

Yesterday, I noticed one student making a gesture to a friend of his and mouthing, "I'm going to punch him in the face." He and I had a chat outside and I told him that he better not be thinking of having a fight after school, otherwise he would be expelled and be in serious trouble. He was adamant that he was just joking and nothing was planned. Well, guess what happened? He and another student in the class got into a fight. Fun. I got to sit in on the meeting with the two vice principals. Upon further investigation, we discovered that they had a fight two days before at the bus stop. Guess what it was over? A pair of broken headphones. That's right. Broken headphones. While we were all in the office, I told them what happened in class regarding the punching comment. I also threw in that boy #2 had been using derogatory language in class. We were working on sentence patterns and for his gerund, he wrote "Je.wing people is bad." Seriously? I had to control my anger and challenged him in his thinking. He was visibly uncomfortable (good) and feigned ignorance (yah right). Anyway, during the fight, he called student #1 a "dirty Mex.ican.". My God! What is wrong with kids? Well, despite my recommendation that both students be expelled from summer school, one of the vice principals decided to give them both one last chance.

Truly and honestly I hoped these boys would take this chance seriously. Almost immediately boy #2 started acting out. About 35mins into the class, he commently loudly and clearly to a different boy, "_____ you're dead." Hearing this, I sent boy #2 outside and told him to go to the office. He begged and he pleaded but I didn't relent. I should have escorted him to the summer school office but I didn't. Instead, he thought he would try to outsmart me and he headed to the regular office where the administrators are winding down from the 2011-2012 school year and had no clue what had just occurred the day before. So when #2 returned, boy #1 called me aside and stated that he had heard that #2 was carrying a knife and had planned to cut him. Another student verified this information as well. Really a knife?! I pulled out my phone and called the principal informing him that I have reports of a knife in my class. Moments later, two principals were at my door and student #2 was removed. They found the knife hidden in his shoe.

Why? Why did he do it? Was he scared? Was he trying to be intimidating? A kid doesn't bring a knife to school just because. I know that boy #1 has more to do with all this than we know. He's still on my radar. Here's hoping he learned something from all this and makes it through these next 15 days. Let's hope I make it through the next 15 days!

Holy Cramps Batman!

When I was researching endometrial biopsies, I knew there could be some complications - fever, infection... What I didn't anticipate were the bowl-me-over-in-pain cramps I would experience with my period. Holy moly! A whack load of pain killers, a heating pad, and four hours later, the cramps finally subsided. Never have I had cramps that painful before. At least none that I can remember.

I called in my cycle yesterday. Nice to see that the nurses are still available on a stat holiday. Any way, I started my estrace and my ultrasound is on the 17th. My BFF J has offered to teach my summer school classes that day. Normally I would have to cover the costs of a TOC (teacher on call) but she's refusing compensation. Very thoughtful of her. :) I'm assuming that 2 days after the ultrasound, I'll be transferring my last 2 embryos.

There's always this sense of excitement when heading into a treatment. But it is necessary to guard my heart. Too many disappointments along the way.

In work related news, I met my summer session classes today. The English 11 is a super small class. They seem nice enough though. Two of the students were actually in my English 10 summer session course last year. I guess they didn't, learn. The English 8 will be a challenge. I haven't taught them in years and had forgotten how squirrelly 13/14 year olds can be. I'll have to be a bit of a drill sargent for a while. Not my style but necessary it seems. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day with them.

Infertility Infographic

I just came across this.  Interesting.  I've read that in the States infertility hits 1 in 8 couples.  Strange that in Canada it's 1 in 6.  Huh.

Infertility Infographic

Happy 145th Canada!

I love Canada Day.  I love Canada.  When teaching History and Social Studies, I am so incredibly grateful to live in this wonderful, peaceful nation.  Of course there are things I would love to change, but when you consider the economic free fall in Greece and the civil war in Syria, gosh darn it.  We're freaking lucky to live in Canada.  Yes, my mortgage is astronomical but at least I have a beautiful home.  Yes, I pay a lot in taxes, but I don't have to worry about losing my home if I get sick.  Yes, the weather sucks, but hey, I live in a lush rain forest with gorgeous mountains and fresh air.  There are so many wonderful things in this country.  If you watched the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics, you may recall Shane Koyczan's "We Are More."  Here is an abridged version of his fabulous poem.      

Now on to the baby making business.  I had my biopsy a couple of weeks ago (holy ow!) and have transported the embryos to the new clinic.  Biggest bump so far?  The new clinic likes its patients to have a TSH below 2.5.  My TSH have been all over the map.  I had it tested about 3 weeks ago and it was 2.9 but after 3 weeks of synthyroid, it went up to 3.4.  WTF?  Seriously?  I had a momentary break down thinking that my FET would be pushed back yet again, but thankfully we'll be able to proceed.  The doctor had me up my medications a little.  Let's hope that does the trick.  The protocol is a little different from my original clinic.  Rather than patches, I'll be taking a pill.  The progesterone is still vaginal suppositories but it's a different brand than what I've used in the past.  I have an estimated transfer date of the 18th.  I'll be interested to see how my body reacts to the different medication. 


Between now and transfer, I have summer school start up, a 6th birthday party to attend, and a wedding to go to.   With summer school, I'm teaching English 8, which I haven't taught since 2005, and English 11, which I've never taught.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends/colleagues who have given me a lot of their lesson plans so I'm not completely starting from scratch.  There is a lot to keep me preoccupied before transfer.  I hope everything goes well and there are no set backs!


Happy Canada Day everyone!      


  





  

Excellent On Paper

It's been a busy week and finally I can breathe a sigh of relief.  The toast to the grads went really well.  I really hate public speaking but I was willing to suck it up for these students.  I did mention the students who had created the care package for me and thanked them for that.  My goal was to be vague about the circumstances surrounding it.  Rather than saying that I suffered from a failed IVF cycle, I stated that I was going through one of the darkest moments in my life and that their kind gesture will stay with me forever.  After the speech, the girls ran up to me with tears in their eyes and we shared a massive group hug.  One of their mothers, who is also a nurse, came up to me and thanked me.  I divulged to her the circumstances of my sadness and said to her, "You have no clue how much that small gesture from your daughter meant to me."  Such a wonderful group of kids.  I'm going to miss them.  I love teaching.  

Seriously, what a view!

I received an early morning phone call on Thursday.  Our new doctor, Dr. N.  wanted to know if we could come in earlier for our appointment.  Sweets is a night owl so I was a little concerned that he wouldn't be up in time.  Thankfully that wasn't an issue and we got to all of our appointments on time.  And wow, what a difference in real estate when you're going from a public clinic, an old wing in a hospital with tiny windowless offices, to a private clinic, prime downtown real estate with amazing views of the city and mountains.  Dr. N. was great.  Very genial and on the ball.  I've been concerned with my thyroid levels for a while but the REs at the other clinic didn't seem to think it was a problem.  Dr. N.  immediately flagged it in my chart.  My TSH level was 3.7 last time (it's been as high as 5.2) and ideally it should be no higher than 2.5  So could this be my problem?  Hypothyroidism runs rampant in my family - my father, mother, aunts, grandparents...  And now finally someone is listening to me.  

Dr. N.  looked at my last cycle and stated that everything looked "excellent on paper."  Great that it all looks good on paper, but will I get pregnant?  According to Dr. N., he feels that I'll get pregnant.  But that's what my origin RE said too.  And here I am 2 IVFs, 2 FETs, and 9 embryos later.  Still no baby.  

But I'm hopeful.  Apparently Dr. N was recruited from a clinic from the States.  And from all the comments I read about him online.  Past patients state that he's kind, compassionate, attentive.  But I just want to know, will he make me a mother?  

We'll be doing an endometrial biopsy on the 22nd and either that day or the next week, I'll pick up my embryos from the other clinic and ship them over to the new clinic.  Right now, it looks like we're going to be transferring the last two embryos in early July.  My BFF suggested I wait until after our girls' 40th birthday trip to Mexico for the transfer but looking at my cycle, that would put off the transfer until September and I'm not prepared to wait that long.  I've waited long enough and she doesn't understand that.   She doesn't want kids.  Never has.  So while she's there to support me that comment of "Wait until after Mexico" shows me that she really has no bloody clue how painful this process is.   Just goes to show that even those who support you really are ignorant to how much trauma infertility can cause.

With that said, I feel cautiously optimistic.  Dr. N. has put got me thinking "maybe one day" rather than the "never" I've been feeling.  And I would like to be really positive and know that it'll all work out, but I know what pain can be waiting for me if things don't.  

New adventures and some silly struggles

Tomorrow I meet my new doctor.  I had hoped that my original clinic would be up and running soon, but unfortunately the IVF lab has been completely shut down as a result of poor air quality.  So tomorrow we're off to the new clinic.  I'm a little nervous, but quite hopeful.  This clinic is quite well known nationally, the RE I'm meeting with is American and has great reviews, and the people I know who have been to this clinic have been successful.  I hope they can work their magic and get my last two embryos to stick.  I'll update my blog once I have a better idea of what the protocol is and when this is going to happen (I'm day 2 of my cycle right now! Argh!).  


In other news,  I've been nominated by the graduating class to give the toast to the grads on Friday.  I've known about this for a month and have been constructing the speech mentally but I've been having a lot of problems articulating my ideas on paper.  When the principal informed me that the grads had asked me to speak at the ceremony, she mentioned that they knew that I would deliver it with a lot of emotion.  I teach from the heart and often I show emotion in the class when moved.  Yes, there are often tears in my class.   How do I bundle all my love and appreciation for this group in a short speech?  After my first IVF failure, a group of girls saw my pain and made me a care package.  So incredibly thoughtful and I still tear up thinking about it.  How do I share that without sharing the reason for my pain?  Ugh....Writer's block!  It has to be funny, touching, thoughtful.  I'm usually the type of person who wings speeches but this is one speech that cannot be winged.  What to do?  What to do?  

Mother's Day Blues

Infertility is difficult to deal with on any old day.  Mother's Day is the worst.  Yes, I take the time to recognize the awesomeness of my own mother, my Aiti.  She deserves all the accolades I can muster.  But while everyone else is enjoying special breakfasts, brunches, and bouquets, I'm only reminded of my failure to join that special mommy club.  Never did I think that I would be 40 and childless.  Never.  Yet here I am.  A childless mother.   


So, to all of you suffering silently today while others celebrate and "Happy Mother's Day" updates overwhelm your Twitter or Facebook pages, I'm sending you a massive cyber hug and hoping that soon all of us will be able to partake in the celebrations.  

What to do?

Since my appointment with Dr. R earlier in the year, I've been in a holding pattern.  In our conversation, I was told that I would have to wait until the end of April for my FET.  I was disappointed as I was hoping to get in during April but I sucked it up and dealt with it.  Well, I called in day 1 of my cycle today and received another disappointment.  The renovations haven't been completed and they have no clue when they'll be completed.  So FET #3 is once again put on hold.  The nurse, while incredibly apologetic, essentially gave me two options.  Wait until the renovations are done or have my embryos transferred to another clinic.  

What do I do?  I felt so encouraged by my appointment with Dr. R.  I really felt confident with his assessment of my situation and thought that his plan was what I needed (full endometrial biopsy + injection day of transfer to stop cramping).  Regardless, I'll have to wait for the referral to go through if I go to another clinic.  I'll have to wait for the lab to be renovated.  I don't know what to do.  With  my 40th birthday coming up next week, my anxiety is through the room.  Will I ever be a mom?  <sigh>  I hate this shit.  

Everyone but me

If you're reading this, you're probably one of the many people suffering from infertility.  And you've probably lamented how it seems like everyone is pregnant except for you.  Right?  Well, I know how you feel.  I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women. And recently one of my close friends joined their ranks.  

Courtesy of Google Images

K and I are very close in age, only about a week apart.  She moved back to Canada after spending almost a decade working in the States.  Moving back was all about her making a better and a fuller life.  In the time span a year, K has found a new job, moved back to Canada, and entered into a new relationship.  She's a wonderful person who never knew if love would come her way.  Thankfully A came into her life.  They've been together for a year now and she's madly in love.  I'm so happy for her.  


She knows that I've been trying to get pregnant; knows about all our struggles.  Yesterday she invited me over for lunch and she spilled the beans.  "I'm pregnant."  At first I wanted to cry, and then I remembered that this was not about me.  Her being pregnant has nothing to do with my infertility.  She was afraid to tell me.  She was worried I would be upset.  And I was.  I am.  Like many people who suffer with infertility, it just seems like everyone is pregnant but me.  K hardly ever sees her bf because he works out of town 3 weeks at a time.  Sweets and I time our intimate moments and still no dice.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her.  She deserves to be happy.  To be a mother.  I just wish I could join her.  


K is a big believer in "The Secret".  The idea that you have to put out positive energy and it'll come back to you.  She said that she's been visualizing herself pregnant, in the hospital, pushing a stroller.  She insists that I start to do that too.  I don't know.  I tried it, but I'm having trouble seeing it.  Perhaps it's because the optimism has been removed from my heart.  All the pain of the disappointments have scarred me in some way, preventing me from seeing things on the other side.   


I don't know how this will change our relationship. I love K dearly but I don't know if I can constantly listen to the baby talk.  I want to be the good friend but how?  How do you celebrate a friend's "surprise" pregnancy while you're suffering?  Argh...

Hope Springs Eternal

True be told, I've had a bit of a sh*tty day.  Our provincial government has decided to legislate a contract on teachers which essentially strips any class size legislation, autonomy regarding professional development, seniority....and more.  So crappy.  On days like this, I honestly question why I'm a teacher.  But that's not what this post is about.  On to better news.  

Image courtesy of Google Images.

I had my quicky appointment with Dr. R today.  While I appreciated Dr. C., Dr. R. was a breath of fresh air.  He looked over my file and essentially came up with a plan of attack.  There are four things we're going to do differently for my FET.  First off, I have to get my thyroid checked.  It's been checked in the past but since I have a family history of hypothyroidism in my family plus after my first IVF cycle, my thyroid levels were out of whack.  Second, I have to get a sonohysterogram at some point this week.  Third, he wants to perform a full uterine biopsy or as he said it "a four corner scrape".  Dr. C. did one but he didn't do the full biopsy.  When Dr. C did it, it hurt like a son-of-a-gun and that was only a partial scrape.  What's this one going to feel like?  Ouch!  Lastly, the day of the transfer, I will be given an injection which will prevent my uterus from contracting.  He reassured me that the fact that I only have a day of flow isn't an issue.  Apparently, the more important factor is the length of my cycle.  When that changes, then there are complicates.  Thankfully, I'm still like clockwork when it comes to AF.  I also mentioned that I'm concerned about my age.  He rebutted with "You're not old.  You're a project."  Normally, I wouldn't take it too kindly to be called "a project" but when he said those words, I almost burst into tears in his office.  Like many who have been on this horrible, depressing path, I've been feeling pretty hopeless about TTC.  This meeting with Dr. R has given me hope.  I haven't had that in a while.  

Fitting in?

The day after I made my appointment with Dr. R. the clinic called to let me know that they could fit me in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's to my benefit or not as he is squeezing me into a 15 min slot.  Can we have a meaningful conversation in such a short time?  I hope so.  On the positive side of things, I'm thankful that I can get started a month sooner in preparation for the next FET.  So rather than waiting until March 26th, I'm getting in almost a month earlier.     

Cartoon Courtesy of
Google Images

Speaking of fitting in, another blogger, Michaela, posted an eloquent piece about being an Outsider and how those who have been on this infertility journey for a while become war weary.  Her post spoke to me.  When I found out that we needed help conceiving, I felt alone and as if no one would understand me.  Then I discovered the IF community online.  I found women who knew exactly how I felt.  My need to belong and to be understood was fulfilled.  But as the months passed, as my treatments continued and failed, I became quite jaded.  Still am.  The IF forums no longer fulfilled my need for understanding and belonging.  What changed?  I don't know.  All I know to be true is that infertility has changed me.  My heart has been broken in ways that I never could have imagined.  I've cried more than I ever thought possible.    


Years ago, my mother took me to a psychic fair.  For my 21st birthday, my mother paid for my palm to be read.  After carefully inspecting the lines on my palm, the palm reader predicted that would have three sons.  I recall being so shocked and dismayed.  "I could never have three boys!" I exclaimed to my mother.  Shame on my fertile loins! The prospect of having three boys frightened me and I was adamant that it would never happen.  Little did I know that my words would become reality.  Now, when I think about my fertility, the glass is definitely half empty.  In a few short months, I'll hit the dreaded 40 and we all know what that means for a woman's fertility.  May as well sound the death knell of my ovaries!  Am I being pragmatic or am I putting up a defense against the failure and disappointment?  Perhaps a little of both.     

Time

When you're dealing with infertility everything seems to be focused on time. There's a lot of waiting - waiting for appointments, waiting to start treatments, waiting for your period, waiting for those terrible two weeks, waiting for those two lines. Everything takes time. When you're close to hitting 40, time becomes your enemy. There simply isn't enough time. For the past three cycles, my periods have reduced to one full day of flow from my traditional three. Time is of the essence for me. I can see my fertility slipping away from me month by month. It scares me to death that I may never be a mother. I am terrified.

After months of procrastinating and putting it off, I finally called my clinic today to discuss my next FET. Since my original RE is gone, I was informed by the secretary that if it's been over 6 months, I would need to be referred by my family doctor, again. What? More waiting? That didn't seem right. Thankfully I had seen Dr. C. in September to discuss my October FET. I just snuck in under that 6 month rule. So March 26th, I'm in to see Dr. R. I've dealt with him quite a bit over the past year so I'm quite familiar with him. But March 26th? That seems so far away. Granted, the clinic is a doctor down with Dr.C's departure, but I was assured I would get in quite quickly.

Sweets and I have been chatting about babies and such these past few weeks. I think he is still convinced that we're going to get pregnant. If he has his doubts, he's not sharing them with me. Probably for the best as one of us has to have hope. With this next FET, we will have transferred 12 embryos. Twelve. Two fresh cycles and three frozen. If this FET doesn't work, then what?

When we first started down this path, we both agreed that we would give three IVF cycles a go. Last year was a tough year financially, so that 3rd cycle seemed unlikely. Now that Sweets' work has picked up again, cycle 3 seems possible. Granted, we will add a little bit more to our debt, but not like our last cycle.

But really how many cycles is enough? It's easy to see how this can be somewhat addictive because when do you let go of your dreams? How do you let go of it?