Taking an optimism pill

I apologize for my expletive rant earlier.  I just had my heart set on having a few back up embryos and was crushed when I discovered 8 of them hadn't made it.  My husband tells me that I worry too much and that I need to be more optimistic.  So I'll give it a go.  I can choose to dwell on the loss of those 8 embryos or I can focus on the little guys I have currently.  Right now, I choose to believe that the two in my uterus are burrowing in and making a home for the next 9 months.  

I'm choosing to be optimistic.   

Tonight in the musical episode for Grey's Anatomy, Meredith admits that she felt jealous of Callie while at the baby shower.  Anyone dealing with the pain of infertility can relate to Meredith's anguish.  While struggling to survive, Callie sings an incredibly powerful song.  It was "The Story" by Brandi Carlile.  For some reason, it spoke to me.   I've put the Sara Ramirez version here.


"The Story" by Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

 

          

S**t! F**k! F**king s**t!

Be warned.  A lot of f'ing swearing!

Only one of the nine embryos made it to freezing.  Fuck.  I was counting on having at least 4 as back up.  How is it possible that only 1 made it.  Did they fucking screw up?  From what I've read, about a 50% loss is the average.  But 90 fucking percent?  What the fuck!  Argh.  I'm trying to remain calm, but I'm a livid.    Fucking livid.  

Has anyone else experienced a similar loss from day 3 to 5?  

Fuck! Shit! Fuck! 

Say what? Part II

Sweets called the clinic's lab this afternoon to find out how our other 9 embies are doing.  After a rather long wait for a return call, the embryologist phoned.  Yes, the same unintelligible embryologist who called to provide me with our fertilization report.  Sweets is an incredibly patient person, but even his patience was tested when trying to decipher the embryologists news.  All that Sweets could get out of the conversation was that they froze one blastocyst today.  So, that could mean a variety of things.  

1. They froze one and 8 others arrested.  
2. They froze one and the others are slow to progress.  
3. They froze one and some are progressing while others are not.  

From what I've read, typically there's a 50% loss of embryos from day 3 to 5.  Going from 9 to 1 is devastating.  I honestly hope it's option number 2.  I was rooting for 4 or 5 to make it.  Ugh.

I guess it's another call to the nurses' line tomorrow. 
 

Pity party for 1

After tossing and turning all last night (too many vivid dreams!), I woke up feeling a little blue.  I don't know if it's the crinone but I just feel blue and I feel like my head is spinning. 

• What if this doesn't work?  
• What if our embryos don't make it to day 5?  
• What if there's nothing to freeze?  
• Will this be our last chance?
• What if I'm never a mother?
• How does Sweets feel about the possibility of never being a father? 

Thankfully, my parents were so generous and gave us some money for this cycle, but we won't be able to afford another cycle unless we go into debt for it.  We've already got a massive mortgage - doesn't everyone who lives in Vancouver and the Lower Mainland? - and with Sweets struggling to get work, I don't know how much debt we can carry.  For goodness sakes, we can't even afford to buy new furniture.  Currently the front room of our townhouse is vacant.  A couple book shelves, an arm chair, a mirror, Sweets's awards and a whole bunch of cat toys are the only things you'll find in that space.  When we moved in here in March 2010, we had dreams of furnishing it, making it look amazing - comfortable yet stylish.  With two spare bedrooms upstairs, we could have a nursery and a guest room.   Well the nursery has only been used when our kitties needed time outs (Tonkinese in trouble and the outcome Peace in our time ) but the spare room has seen a few visitors.  While Sweets and I love our home, it feels so incomplete in so many ways.  Whether it's the lack of furniture or the lack of a baby, it feels so unfinished.   

Infertility has taken away so many of our dreams.  I don't want it to "win" but what if it does?

Speaking of dreams.  I had so many dreams last night.  Though I can't remember all of them, I recall snippets.  I know for one, I went back to my classroom to find 10 more students added and two parents decided that they wanted to sit in on the class.  I wasn't completely prepared, so I winged the lesson. I *think* it was about the causes of World War II.  In another dream, I was working backstage at a Celine Dion concert when I was suddenly given the opportunity to sing "River Deep, Mountain High" with her on stage.  Strange.  And I know there was another one, something about Zeus eating the dryer sheet and me having to clean up his vomit but finding it difficult because I was pregnant and couldn't bend over very well.   Where these dreams came from is obvious - I'm back to work tomorrow and my lesson is about the causes of WWII; I watched a Celine Dion special the other day; Zeus is always eating things he shouldn't; I want to be pregnant.  There's nothing to analyse, but they were just so vivid.

With that, I'll leave you all with my song of the day.  It's the Dixie Chicks "So Hard".  Martie Maguire and Emily Robison struggled with infertility and were only able to conceived via IVF.  The video is a wee bit emo but the song is powerful.

Transfer Complete!

The deed is done.  Now let's hope the mission was a success.  

My BFF came along with me today because Sweets couldn't make it.  The vibe was totally different from retrieval day.  With it being a Sunday, the clinic was so quiet.  When we left, there wasn't a single soul to be seen.  Earlier that morning, the ultrasound area was rather busy, but the area where we were in was silent.  I guess it didn't help that we were a little early.  

Soon enough, I was in my scrubs and ready go.  BFF was permitted to come into the procedure room with me, which was undoubtedly a surreal experience for her.  Once seated on the table, the embryologist explained to me the state of the embryos being transferred and indicated that the other nine embryos were still developing.  Of the 11 embryos, we transferred two today.  Both were 8 cells but one was grade 2, with 5% fragmentation and the other grade 3.  All the others in the lab were grade 3 as well.  I really hope they make it to day 5.  From what I've read, egg quality is illustrated in days 1 to 3.  Sperm quality comes into play after that.  Hopefully Sweets's little guys do their job!  

The infamous two week wait has begun.  I've taken the next two days off so that I can take it easy.  I just need to plan a couple of lessons for my TOC (teacher-on-call) for those two days.  As for my beta, it falls on a Sunday.  The labs are not open on Sunday.  So it begs the question:  

Do I get my beta done on the Saturday or the Monday?       

Coping with a baby shower?

Last summer, my good childhood friend B, told me that her wife was desperate to have a child of her own.  B was unsure.  They had just gotten married in May and B wasn't willing to share S with a child.  Not yet.  Flash forward a few months later and I received THE email.  An announcement that they were expecting.  I felt gutted.  Utterly gutted.  In all honesty, I didn't expect it to come so easily for S.  She's two years older than me, they were using donor sperm of a family friend and doing the insemination at home with....I'm not sure.  It was not going to be a clinical IUI.  It was a home based IUI.  Come on, was I wrong to think that we would conceive before the older lesbian couple?

Now here we are, Sweets and I are about to transfer our embabies tomorrow and B's baby shower on the horizon.  At that time, I'll be on the tale end of my 2ww and won't know if the embryos implanted or not.  Truthfully, I've been refraining from RSVPing to the e-vite I received last week.  I just don't know if I can handle it.  I know I should go.  I need to show my support for B.  I just don't know how I'll deal with all the "oohhs" and "awwws" with each baby gift knowing that I may never get there.  Frankly I wish "Miss Pessimism" would shut her pie hole, put on her big girl pants and just go to the fecking shower.  But I do worry.  How will I react?  Will I be okay?  Will I be present enough to share in their joy? 

So here's the question my dear bloggeristas, how do you cope with a baby shower while dealing with infertility?  Your words of wisdom are greatly appreciated and earnestly needed.    

Say what? *Update*

Photo courtesy Google Images

About an hour ago, the embryologist called to provide me with the fertilization report.  Seeing the hospital's number on the call display quickened my pulse.  I've been waiting on pins and needles for the report.  Unfortunately, the embryologist had a very thick accent and it was difficult to decipher what he was saying.  Needless to say, my conversation was somewhat anti-climatic because I really don't know what the full report is.  Ugh..

This is what I do know.  Of the seven eggs that went through ICSI, one was immature and five fertilized.  As for the seven eggs used for IVF, I'm not sure.  Either he said "Seven arrested" which is super bad news or he said "Seven IVF".  Not sure.  I *think* he may have said that six fertilized from the IVF cycle.  I don't know.  I should have asked for him to repeat but I didn't want to seem rude.  I'll be calling the nurse's line at around 1pm to get clarification.  Hopefully they'll have more information.  

For now, I choose to celebrate those 5 little eggies that are fighting to make it into my womb.  And hopefully I'll have better news after my chat with a nurse.

***Update***    

The nurse just got back to me from the clinic.  Of the 7 eggs used for IVF, they all fertilized!  Unfortunately, one was abnormal.  Six out of seven is awesome! The grand total of fertilized embryos is 11. Eleven.  More than I could have imagined.  Sweets is ecstatic but is remaining guarded in his emotions.  He's so happy that his "guys" were able to fertilize the eggs via IVF.  

The next step is that they continue to divide and make it to not only my 3 day transfer but also to being frozen.  Fingers crossed! 

Ouch! That smarts!

Really not in the mood for posting, but here I go.  

I'm not going to lie.  The retrieval was painful.  I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. For instance, I walked for a week around two years ago with a broken wrist and didn't know.  I just thought it was a bad sprain.  Now, back to the retrieval. 

We arrived about 15 minutes early and were escorted into the recovery room.  There I changed into a gown while Sweets went and did his thing.  The nurse put in the IV and started giving me saline to keep me hydrated.  I've never had an IV before; I did not enjoy it.  When Sweets got back, he changed into scrubs and we were escorted into the procedure room.  It was then that the nurse started to give me the drugs to relax me and numb the pain.  While I didn't even feel the injections into the vaginal wall, I felt a numbing in my lips and tongue.  Then, it was time for the procedure.  


The cool and somewhat icky thing is that you can watch the ultrasound draining each follicle.  There would be this dark blob on the ultrasound, then the needle would pierce it (Ow!! F**k!) and drain it.  Cool but kind of freaky.  Once it was all over, we were informed that 14 eggs had been retrieved.  Fourteen.  Wowza.  Keeping my age in mind, the doctor was quite impressed as he was shooting for 7 and Dr. C. hoped for 10.  Dr. R. said anything over 7 was a bonus.  So for a moment, I'll celebrate that.  I'll find out tomorrow how many are mature and how many fertilize.  I hope the number of eggs doesn't mean that they're poor quality.  I've read differing posts about quantity versus quality.  

Right now, I'm sore.  I ache.  I have a lot of cramping.  It's like a combo of menstrual and gas cramps except it's also uncomfortable walking around.  Sweets has been awesome.  He brought me some Chinese food and cupcakes.  He couldn't sleep at all last night, so he did all of this after being awake for over 24 hours.  I love him so much.  He's my light. 

Please, please let this work.  I don't know if I can do this again - physically, emotionally, monetarily.  This has been exhausting.  

BTW:  Remember that baby I heard crying a while back?  Yup, my neighbour had a baby.  Saw her and her husband pushing their lovely Bugaboo stroller the other day. 

"Be sure you positively identify your target before you pull the trigger."

The target is in sight and everything is good to go!  

After 10 days of injections, tonight I give myself the big one.  The HCG trigger.  So at 9pm tonight, I give myself the last shot and on Thursday, we have to be at the hospital at 8:15am for retrieval.  Here are my stats for the past few days:

Baseline E2: 153 - 16 follies (9 L and 7 R)
Day 5 E2: 1512 - 25 follies (11 L and 14 R)
Day 6 E2: 2569 - no u/s
Day 7 E2: 3496 - a whole bunch of tiny 9mm ones, other ranges from 11 - 15mm
Day 9 E2: 6774 - "a good crop" according to the nurse
Day10 E2: 8962 - "good follicles" (trigger tonight)

Now, if you're American and you're reading this, you're probably freaking out and wondering how I am not suffering from OHSS.  Well, Canadians measure E2 with pmols and Americans with pgrams.  In order to convert the levels, you would need to divide the Canadian numbers by 3.67. Believe me, this little piece of knowledge eased my mind.  With most of the sites I've been reading containing American standards, I was freaking out earlier thinking I was headed towards a hospital stay.   

Currently I have 10 follicles on my left and 11 on my right.  They all range in size from 13 to 20.  The average follicle grows approximately 2mm a day.  I doubt the smallest one will catch up to the others.  Throughout the day, I have twinges and aches in my lower abdominal area, but it's nothing that I can't deal with.  Though the day to day twinges are icky, I'm more paranoid of the needle in the vagina!  OMG.  Granted, I'll hopefully be all doped up with drugs from the IV but seriously, a needle in my vagina.  

During my almost daily trip to the clinic, I befriended a fellow IVFer and her mother.  She was there pretty much every morning with either her mother and on one occasion with her husband.  This is her second IVF.  This woman, let's call her Kelly from Kelowna, and she and her mother are camping while Kelly is going through treatment.  Wow. That's dedication.  I cannot imagine this process without being able to curl up in my own bed, cuddle with my kitties or be pampered by my husband.  Not to mention, her husband is only here on the weekends.  While she has her mother for support, her husband isn't here for the day to day.  I really hope it works for Kelly.  From our discussions, she has struggled with her health a lot.  As a youngster, she struggled with hearing loss.  And now as an adult, her endometriosis has made it difficult to conceive.  Last year, she had a surgery to help.  Let's hope there enough of that freaking baby dust for the two of us.   

All in all, I can't believe it's finally here.  Time has been somewhat paradoxical.  In one way it has moved so quickly but at the same time, it's inched forward in tiny increments.  Thursday is the day.  I am excited and I am frightened.  I just pray that this works and that in 9 months time, we have a healthy baby in our arms.   

Mick Jagger's Smile and the Orgalutran Crisis

Never in my life did I think that I would ever be compared to Mick Jagger.  Yet, today, it happened.  Well not exactly.  It wasn't Mick Jagger, but it was his lips.  And I wasn't compared to Mick Jagger, my uterus was.  

At my fertility clinic, the doctors rotate.  Though I had my regular R.E. Dr. C last Sunday, today was Dr. R.  Let me tell you, Dr. R was a hoot.  Not only was my uterus compared to Mick, but Dr. R stated that I looked like someone he had seen in People magazine.  As you can imagine, he put me at ease almost immediately.  

Once the vag-cam and I became intimate, both Dr. R and the nurse exclaimed that I had a beautiful uterus. <insert Mick Jagger's smile comment here.>  He noted that I had 11 follicles on my left and 14 on my right.  Please note, the very English Dr. R. said this in French.  The follicles were rather small, sitting at 10mm each.  And at the time, the doctor felt that I should come in again tomorrow.  Further, he felt that I shouldn't start my Orgalutron injections just yet. Needless to say, Dr. R's wit and my good response to the Puregon resulted in this visit being both invigorating and entertaining.

With that in mind, I went to the pharmacy and picked up some extra Puregon, not knowing whether or not my dosage would increase or not.  For a moment, I contemplated picking up the Orgalutron, but decided that it could wait until tomorrow.  

Shortly after 12:30pm, I received a call from the lovely Carol, who informed me that the doctor wanted me to start my Orgalutran injections that night.  Crap!  The pharmacy with all the meds was located about 1 hour away and I had to get back to work for Parent/Teacher conferences.  Argh!  Thankfully Sweets was available to drive into town to pick it up for me.  

Just before Sweets was about to leave, nurse Carol called in a panic.  There is a shortage of Orgalutran in Canada!  She was concerned as to whether there would be enough for not only me but other patients on the same protocol.  The earliest a shipment of Orgalutran was expected was in May.  Scary.  Sweets assured her that we had called ahead to the pharmacy and they had set my prescription aside.  Whew!

When I arrived home from work, I immediately grabbed the bag containing the Orgalutran and found only one syringe.  Yikes!  I need 5 syringes!  Sweets was so frustrated.  He was so worried that some pharmaceutical error would lead to this cycle being screwed up.  Luckily, when I called the pharmacy again, they assured me that they would have 5 syringes set aside for me for tomorrow.

So the double injections have begun.  I'm still at 150iu of Puregon, but now the Orgalutran is thrown into the mix.  I hope to God that all these injections end in a wonderful outcome.    


FYI:  For any American readers of my blog, Puregon = Follistim and Orgalutran = Ganirelix.  Same drugs, just different names. 

Okay, let's go.

Day light savings sucks.  I had my CD3 blood work and ultrasound at 8am this morning.  Which, when you take day light savings into account, is actually 7am.  Not pleasant, but I made it there on time.  Thankfully there were only two women ahead of me, so the wait wasn't too long.  I find that there are two types of women in the RE office.  Those who look you in the eye and smile emphatically as if to say, "You too, eh?"  Then there are those who don't make any eye contact at all - they want to blend into the woodwork.  I'm a smiler.     

Dr. C, who happens to look like Chow Yun-fat, was running a few minutes late (forgot to leap ahead?) so I didn't get into the ultrasound until almost 9am.  He found 9 follicles on the my left side and 7 on my right.  From what I've read, that's pretty good for women my age.  My lining was 4.4mm which appears to be average.  He's a man of few words but essentially he thought everything looked like we could start today.  But he would reserve his decision until he took a look at the blood work. 

There was a considerable amount of time between my tests and my injection training, so googled the closest White Spot (had a gift certificate).  Dining alone is not something I'm accustomed to, so I'm grateful that I had the foresight and brought my book along.  I indulged myself:  Nat’s Fabulous French Breakfast.  So tasty and utterly calorific - eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns AND french toast.  Sadly (or perhaps fortunately), I couldn't finish it and left some sausage and french toast on the plate.   It's almost 2pm and I am still full!  UGH...

Finally the nurse called to inform me that we're okay to go.  I picked up my medication (15% discount!) and headed over for the injection training.  I was truly surprised how much  my palms started to sweat while I was doing it.  In the end, it was no problem and the sting of the injection only lingered for 10 mins.  

So, it begins.  I return on Thursday for more blood work and another ultrasound.  I just hope to God that this works. I'm working hard to crush my inner pessimist and channel the optimist hiding inside me.  Today while driving home, I felt good, as if this was going to work.  Here's hoping it does.  

Medication:
March 13-14th = 225iu Puregon
March 15-16th = 150iu Puregon