Holidays on the horizon

I find it a little sad that unless it has something to do with trying to conceive, I don't have much to say.  My clinic called last week to follow up with me and see how I'm doing.  The nurse recommended I call soon to book my appointment in January.  The plan is to still do our final FET in February or March. After that, I'm not sure.  My heart wants us to do another round of IVF but my pocketbook cannot withstand another round.     

Right now, I'm trying to balance paying off my IVF and FET cycles off my credit card and line of credit so that I can afford some nice Christmas gifts this year.  Last year Sweets and I put money towards items for the house rather than buying each other gifts.  I would really like to get him something nice this year.  In addition to Christmas shopping, I'm actually going up north to visit my parents for Christmas.  I need some time away for all the stress of TTC and even job action (more some other time).  Sweets was going to join me but then we discovered that his brother's family were going to Disneyland for Christmas.  It wouldn't be appropriate for Sweets to leave his elderly parents alone for Christmas.  So we'll be spending Christmas apart this year.  I'll still have a week's vacation to spend with him when I get home, so it's not that big of a deal.

Things have been going really well for Sweets on the work front. Thank goodness!  In the past 8 weeks, he's had 4 contracts.  A big difference and the work keeps coming.  Before that, he had only one small contract in March.  Not enough to keep up with all the bills so the brunt of the payments fell onto me.  Now, he's got clients approaching him from all over.  It's been a boost to our income plus, and more importantly, it's been a boost to his self esteem. It was tough on him to be out of work for such a long time.  

Going home to my parents will be both relaxing and stressful.  Even though I'm pushing 40, my parents still revert to treating me like a teenager when I go home.  I understand, and I have to make sure that I don't get snippy with them.  On the plus side, I get away from the city, back to small town life where there is truly silence at night.  I love that sound.  There is a certain silence that snow fall brings with it.  Here, snow brings with it chaos but up north, it brings peace. :)  I look forward to seeing my brother as well. When we were young, we were very close.  Over the years, we've become more distant.  I could blame his wife, whom I do not get along with (I've tried - I swear), but it takes the two of us to maintain the relationship and neither of us is willing to put in the work I suppose.

Back to the TTC front - I think this natural cycle has been a bust.  AF is due to arrive this week and I've been having the typical symptoms.  Mild cramps, acne, discharge...  I didn't go to my Zumba classes for fear that exercising too vigorously would impact implantation etc...  Does anyone else forgo exercise during the 2ww?  If you do continue, what do you do?  I'm tired of not exercising.  My treadmill downstairs hasn't seen a lot of action lately because I'm afraid of messing things up.  Suggestions?

Though I'm not actively seeking treatments right now, I often think of my fellow sisters in IF.  Evelyn is currently in her 2ww.  I wish her all the best and hope for a wonderful outcome.  

 

The White Whale

I think I've been in a good head space since my BFN.  I haven't contacted the clinic to make an appointment for January yet.  I better get on that soon.  With them being short an RE, I wonder if that will increase wait times.  While treatments have been the furthest from my mind, getting pregnant is still front and center.  I've been tracking my cycle and monitoring all the bodily aches and fluids that we're supposed to monitor.  Sweets and I are still hopeful that things will work out for us.  


With all the pain and turmoil this process has caused, I'm endeavoring to capture my white whale.  Isn't that a fitting metaphor?  Infertility is our Moby Dick.  Infertility viciously attacks our psyches, destroys our confidence and threatens to rip us apart.  I don't want to be Captain Ahab.  I don't want to obsessed to the point where is destroys who I am.


So, as a result, in an effort to maintain my sanity, I hope you don't mind if I mix my blog up with not only musings on my fertility journey, but also with thoughts on my profession.  I've been really exploring and reflecting on myself as a teacher.  My goal is to make my students into well educated, thoughtful, empathetic individuals.  As a result, I've been changing the way I do things. The way I assess my students; the way I deliver the curriculum.  Or perhaps, I'll just create another blog to think these things over.  I'm not sure.  


The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not going to let that White Whale drag me down to the bottom of the ocean.     

What to do next?

Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next.  Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3  but I'm not ready.  Not ready emotionally, physically or financially.  I want to take a break from infertility.  Just for a little while.  Is that possible?  I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.  


I'm going to take the next few months off.  Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET.  My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.  


Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work.  I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments.  I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner.  I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.


If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET.  Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF.  We simply cannot afford another round at this point.  I've been thinking about IUIs with injections.  Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low.  But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option.  While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF.  Hopefully the RE will agree. 


Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what?  Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption.  With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother.  I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind.  Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents.  That just kills me.  I so want to make them grandparents.  It pains me that they're not.  It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant.  Argh....  Life sucks sometimes.