Excellent On Paper

It's been a busy week and finally I can breathe a sigh of relief.  The toast to the grads went really well.  I really hate public speaking but I was willing to suck it up for these students.  I did mention the students who had created the care package for me and thanked them for that.  My goal was to be vague about the circumstances surrounding it.  Rather than saying that I suffered from a failed IVF cycle, I stated that I was going through one of the darkest moments in my life and that their kind gesture will stay with me forever.  After the speech, the girls ran up to me with tears in their eyes and we shared a massive group hug.  One of their mothers, who is also a nurse, came up to me and thanked me.  I divulged to her the circumstances of my sadness and said to her, "You have no clue how much that small gesture from your daughter meant to me."  Such a wonderful group of kids.  I'm going to miss them.  I love teaching.  

Seriously, what a view!

I received an early morning phone call on Thursday.  Our new doctor, Dr. N.  wanted to know if we could come in earlier for our appointment.  Sweets is a night owl so I was a little concerned that he wouldn't be up in time.  Thankfully that wasn't an issue and we got to all of our appointments on time.  And wow, what a difference in real estate when you're going from a public clinic, an old wing in a hospital with tiny windowless offices, to a private clinic, prime downtown real estate with amazing views of the city and mountains.  Dr. N. was great.  Very genial and on the ball.  I've been concerned with my thyroid levels for a while but the REs at the other clinic didn't seem to think it was a problem.  Dr. N.  immediately flagged it in my chart.  My TSH level was 3.7 last time (it's been as high as 5.2) and ideally it should be no higher than 2.5  So could this be my problem?  Hypothyroidism runs rampant in my family - my father, mother, aunts, grandparents...  And now finally someone is listening to me.  

Dr. N.  looked at my last cycle and stated that everything looked "excellent on paper."  Great that it all looks good on paper, but will I get pregnant?  According to Dr. N., he feels that I'll get pregnant.  But that's what my origin RE said too.  And here I am 2 IVFs, 2 FETs, and 9 embryos later.  Still no baby.  

But I'm hopeful.  Apparently Dr. N was recruited from a clinic from the States.  And from all the comments I read about him online.  Past patients state that he's kind, compassionate, attentive.  But I just want to know, will he make me a mother?  

We'll be doing an endometrial biopsy on the 22nd and either that day or the next week, I'll pick up my embryos from the other clinic and ship them over to the new clinic.  Right now, it looks like we're going to be transferring the last two embryos in early July.  My BFF suggested I wait until after our girls' 40th birthday trip to Mexico for the transfer but looking at my cycle, that would put off the transfer until September and I'm not prepared to wait that long.  I've waited long enough and she doesn't understand that.   She doesn't want kids.  Never has.  So while she's there to support me that comment of "Wait until after Mexico" shows me that she really has no bloody clue how painful this process is.   Just goes to show that even those who support you really are ignorant to how much trauma infertility can cause.

With that said, I feel cautiously optimistic.  Dr. N. has put got me thinking "maybe one day" rather than the "never" I've been feeling.  And I would like to be really positive and know that it'll all work out, but I know what pain can be waiting for me if things don't.  

New adventures and some silly struggles

Tomorrow I meet my new doctor.  I had hoped that my original clinic would be up and running soon, but unfortunately the IVF lab has been completely shut down as a result of poor air quality.  So tomorrow we're off to the new clinic.  I'm a little nervous, but quite hopeful.  This clinic is quite well known nationally, the RE I'm meeting with is American and has great reviews, and the people I know who have been to this clinic have been successful.  I hope they can work their magic and get my last two embryos to stick.  I'll update my blog once I have a better idea of what the protocol is and when this is going to happen (I'm day 2 of my cycle right now! Argh!).  


In other news,  I've been nominated by the graduating class to give the toast to the grads on Friday.  I've known about this for a month and have been constructing the speech mentally but I've been having a lot of problems articulating my ideas on paper.  When the principal informed me that the grads had asked me to speak at the ceremony, she mentioned that they knew that I would deliver it with a lot of emotion.  I teach from the heart and often I show emotion in the class when moved.  Yes, there are often tears in my class.   How do I bundle all my love and appreciation for this group in a short speech?  After my first IVF failure, a group of girls saw my pain and made me a care package.  So incredibly thoughtful and I still tear up thinking about it.  How do I share that without sharing the reason for my pain?  Ugh....Writer's block!  It has to be funny, touching, thoughtful.  I'm usually the type of person who wings speeches but this is one speech that cannot be winged.  What to do?  What to do?