Great White North

If you long for peace and quiet, I recommend a trip to northern B.C. I've only been here a day and I'm already bored with the slow pace of life. I love visiting my parents but this sleepy town is too sleepy.

Plus, it's freezing up here! Granted it was chilly in the lower mainland when I left but it's snowing up here! What's that all about? Isn't it supposed to be Spring? it was as if someone had put this town in a snow globe and shook it up. And honestly, living in the lower mainland, I haven't seen snow since November. Ugh..

I told my parents. Like Sweets and me, they're cautious about celebrating. My mother had two miscarriages before having my brother so she understands how delicate the situation can be. I can sense how excited she is but she's definitely holding it in. My dad was very much like my dad. He looked at me and said, "Good. That's good news."

I went by the hospital today to ask when I should go in on Monday for my blood work. I have to remind myself, the pace of life is very different here. She told me to come in between 1-2pm because that's when things slow down. In the morning, priority is given to people who have fasted the night before. So coming in at 7am simply means I'll be waiting until all the priority tests have been administered. I told the clerk that I can't have it at 1pm as the clinic likes to have their results earlier in the day. She then recommended that I come in at 10am and bring a book. Since she could sense my urgency, she did offer to have me do the blood test today. Tempting but I refused.

I hope the clinic will get the results in a timely fashion. Normally I can go online and see my results. With this being at the hospital and not my regular lab, I will only get my results when the clinic calls. Pins and needles. That's what I'll be sitting on!

I've noticed that my breasts have become more tender. Absolutely zero tenderness up until 2 days ago. That's one of the reasons why I didn't think this cycle had worked (well on top of the absolute gush I experienced). I've noticed slight cramping and twinges as well.

Next week is going to be anxiety ridden. On Monday, my third beta results. Then on Thursday, I have my ultrasound. I've already been having bad dreams of bleeding and empty sacs. I really wish I could be like a regular woman who has discovered she's pregnant. Do regular fertile women have such dreams? Do they worry about their first ultrasounds as much as we, the infertile, do? Do you think that the knowledge we've accumulated during our fertility journeys increases our levels of paranoia?

New Year. New Clinic. Old Doubts.

When I was little, I thought that in the year 2013 we would all be in flying cars or using teleportation to travel the world.  While we're still far away from flying cars and such, it doesn't seem like it's so far away.  Everything in Sta.r Tr.ek seems like a possibility.  Hopefully women in 2033 won't struggle with pregnancy as so many women do today.  Hopefully there will a be a sure fire way to make sure that only those who choose not to have children will be childless.  

This month I start my final attempt at IVF.  Sweets and I always stated that we would give it three attempts and this is our last one.  We had our meeting with the nurse at the clinic last month to go over all the schedule, the medications, and the paperwork.  For some reason, though I've done this before, it all seems more convoluted and is causing more anxiety than before.  There is more medication to be taken and the costs are so much more than the public clinic I went to before.  I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a hysteroscopy.  At that time, I can ask for more clarification on my schedule and the blood tests I need before we get started.   

Even though I'm confused, this is what I do know:

• When we had an ultrasound on Dec 17th, they found 8-9 follicles.  Not a lot but average for a 40 years apparently.  I was at the end of my cycle.  Does that make a difference?   
• In January, I'll begin using estrace.
• In mid-Feb, I begin menopur (never used it before) and puregon.  
• Though I was a high responder at my old clinic, for some reason they feel that I'll need a lot of meds now?  I'm a little confused about this part.  I guess they're assuming with my age, I'll need high doses of medication.  Can so much change in a couple of years?  How do I go from moderate doses to high doses?  Perhaps they're just playing it by ear until they see how I respond. 
• First week of March is the estimated time for retrieval .   

I know it's been a while since I've posted or even read up on the blogs.  Like many, when I'm not in the midst of treatments, I don't want to think about infertility.  It's too painful.  I've tried to just live my life these past few months.  And in that time, 4 of my high school classmates have given birth - they're all the same age as me.  Three boys and one girl.  I've got to believe that this will happen for us.  That Sweets and I will be parents one day.  There is so much anxiety around this one because it is the last attempt.  If this doesn't work, then Sweets and I will have to make peace with the fact that we'll never be parents.  I pretend to be okay with it but I'm not.   

I noticed that some bloggers may have left.  Does anyone know if Evelyn is still around?  I tried to find her blog, but couldn't. 

Happy New Year everyone.  

On the plus side, our house got the vasilopita coin.  Good luck? 

Worrywart

Please take a moment and send some positive prayers/energy/thoughts/wishes to Shannon of Chasing Rainbows and her little bug Finn. 

Have you ever had one of those days when the alarm goes off and you think it's all a dream?  That was me this morning.  The alarm seemed so unfamiliar to me.  A rude interruption to a sweet sleep.  Waking up was a bit of a chore.  Groggy and half asleep, I rolled out of bed and trudged into the bathroom to get prepared for my jaunt into the city and my date with a needle and the vag-cam.  

Today was my CD 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Because it's a Saturday, the drive in was traffic free and the hospital was incredibly quiet.  It's a rare occurrence for me to find a spot on the road allowing me to avoid the parking fees.  

I am a little concerned.  While I understand that each cycle is unique and that I shouldn't compare my last cycle to this one, I can't help but doing so.  To begin with, my E2 levels are a touch higher than last time - 1512 vs. 1539.  Further, my follicle count is a lot lower.  Last time at this point I had 25 follicles.  This time I have only 9.  Should I be worried?  I don't know but I am quite concerned.  The protocol is exactly the same - same drugs, same dose.  Logically I know that things won't be precisely the same but why is my body reacting so differently?  Both the doctor and the nurse stated that "it's still early."  Though I know that it was meant to ease my anxiety, all it did was ramp it up a notch.

With my E2 levels above 1000, I start my Orgalutran shots today.  While at the clinic, I asked them if I should go and pick up the prescription now in order to avoid having to drive back into the city again - about a 40-45 min drive depending on traffic.  At that point, they told me to hold off as the blood work would dictate the next step.  Annoyed, concerned, and frustrated, here I am having to drive back into Vancouver to get my shots.  I should have followed my instincts and just gone to the pharmacy.

On the plus side, when I drive into the city, this is what I get to see.  :) 

The beauty of Vancouver.  Photo taken from the Aquabus to Granville Island.