D&C and moving on.

On Thursday I went to Women's Hospital for a D&C. It was emotional. I don't recall the pain but I do recall asking for more medication while in the procedure room. The nurse in the procedure room performed two of my IUIs when I was at that phase in my treatment. She recognized my name. Bummer.

They are sending whatever they collected for testing so I hope I get some answers.

The woman next to me was there for a miscarriage as well. I think she was a recovering addict because she was in real pain but did not want any meds to dull the pain after the procedure. In the end, she did accept some. She was writhing in pain. I could hear her laboured breath.

The day of the procedure I felt quite icky. Quite a bit of bleeding plus the antibiotics they gave me made everything taste like metal. But other than a little spotting and some cramps, everything is fine these past few days.

My RE is leaving our clinic. So another change is on the horizon. We'll be staying at this clinic rather than moving with him. Though he's a great doctor, we haven't become attached to him. Plus we had more interaction with the owner of the clinic. She performed our FET last summer and was the RE for all my ultrasounds, the ER, and ET this cycle. I dreamt last night that we had a new RE. That she was brought from the States to our clinic and was incredibly well respected. Her name was Dr. Willo.ughby. No clue why Willo.ughby but that's the name that was in my dream. We do have a Willo.ughby Heights in our area. Maybe that's why?

This is a strange question but did I miscarry at 6w5days or did I miscarry at 8w5days? We discovered that there was no growth at 6 weeks but the D&C occurred at 8 weeks? Messed up question but I'm curious. I would have been 9w1day today. I know I would have been counting down to the end of my first trimester. The due date would have been the day after my brother's birthday.

Today I start to take care of myself. They weighed me for this procedure and holy f*ck, I've gained a lot of weight. This is far, far from my comfort zone. I think I'm going to take a break on treatments. I was to get healthier because if I do get pregnant at this weight, there will be complications. I think we'll do our last transfer in August. That gives me a few months to lose weight and heal from this loss.

My plan? Go to bed earlier and wake up about 40 mins earlier so that I can walk on my treadmill. When I get home from work, I'm exhausted and exercising is not a priority. As I feel better, I'll probably go back to my walk/run program. I used to run 5 and 10k runs and now I'm a couch potato. I would also like to start yoga. I noticed a new yoga studio is opening just 5 mins from me. I'll check it out and see if they have any grand opening specials. I would like to lose 5 pounds a month which I think is doable. I'll go back to writing down what I eat. When I was on weig.thwatchers years ago, it really worked. It kept me in check. I will not get down on myself. My body has been through a lot these past few years. I could have coped with the disappointment in more healthy ways but that's life. I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

Universe - 3 Me - 0

Three pregnancy announcements on fac.ebook in 5 days.

<sigh>

Here comes the rain again

The ultrasound showed no growth.

I expected it and was actually able to enjoy an afternoon out with my husband. We went to our favourite coffee shop. I ordered a delicious americano misto. We went out for sushi at a funky restaurant, shopped for EVOO at the Greek deli, and bought some wine from the specialty liquor store. Even though it was (and still is) pouring rain, it was a comforting. Just what the doctor ordered.

But then I came home and signed onto face.book.

My friend just announced her pregnancy. Ouch! Like a blade to the gut. Sad thing is that she and I started the pregnancy journey at the same time. Well, I started treatments. She started the old fashioned TTC. Her daughter is now 3 and she's expecting a second. I'm really happy for her but man does it hurt! Hurts like ________! (Feel free to fill in the blank.)

Bend but will not break.

Tomorrow it's back to work. We had a two week spring break with Good Friday and Easter Monday thrown in. It'll be good to be back to work. It'll keep my mind occupied. Though it's been a gorgeous weekend, I haven't left the house since Friday. I haven't wanted to really interact with the rest of the world. I was worried that my hair appointment would have been torture but thankfully my stylist wasn't gushy about her pregnancy. She was incredibly low key about it which I appreciated. My BFF and I went to see the Oz film as well. She took my mind off of things, kept talking about her holiday. The two of us are similar in that we don't like to talk about our pain. If you haven't seen Oz, I recommend it. I almost fell asleep but that had nothing to do with the film and everything to do with my mental exhaustion.

My mom has been checking in on me. Boy do I love her. She searched through her old files and looked for her hospital records to see what they said about her pregnancies. I know that she had two early miscarriages, gave birth to my brother 1.5 months early, and had preeclampsia with both my brother and I. She constantly worries that something she did has made it difficult for me to get pregnant. She worried that having to be on progesterone for the majority of her pregnancy resulted in our issues. I keep reassuring her that nothing she did has caused this. It's a combo of Sweets's sperm issues and my age.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday afternoon. In my head I know it'll show little growth; my heart holds on to hope that my tilted uterus caused issues with seeing things clearly. Thank goodness work will preoccupy my mind until then.

On a different note, we finally have neighbours. When we bought our townhome three years ago, the properties in our backyard were large, single dwelling homes. Last spring, the homes were torn down in preparation of a new complex. Well, it appears all the homes are now sold, and people have moved it. It's slightly disconcerting to go from loads of privacy, amazing mountain views, and gorgeous sunsets to wall of homes. I've posted a pic here to show you all how much it changed. The top two were soon after we moved in; the bottom was on Friday.