Well that was short lived.

Never mind.

Beta came back.

It dropped.

188.  

Let the miscarriage commence. 

Weekend Blood Work and Family Time

This morning I woke up early to get myself to the lab for my second beta.  

I've been waiting all day for the results but unfortunately, while the lab may draw blood on weekends, it doesn't appear like they test the sample or provide results.  I've been checking the website periodically throughout the day and nothing. 

Argh.

So looks like I have to wait until Monday.  And since I'm teaching summer school right now, I won't check the site until I've finished for the day.  I don't want potentially heartbreaking news to throw me off for the day.  Who wants to be an emotional mess in front of a bunch of 15/16 year olds? 

My parents arrive on Monday as well.  Due to a cancellation, my father was able to get in to see the surgeon Tuesday morning. Like most people, I did a quick google search of the doctor.  I was pleased to discover the surgeon is one of the country's leading surgeons in the field of pancreatic cancer.  On Thursday, my dad has a PET scan.  On the cancer agency website, it cautions pregnant women to stay away from anyone who has had the scan.  My GP looked into it and she said what it means is that I can't sit next to him. So sadly I won't be driving my dad to his appointment. The radiation fades after 24 hours so I won't have to distance myself from him for too long.  

Here's hoping that next week brings good news all around! 

Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.

So it's higher than expected but lower than I wished.  

My beta came back at 225.  

I am 5 weeks 4 days according to my calculations. 

With a beta that low, should I be worried about another miscarriage? 

I have some progesterone suppositories left from my last cycle. I would if I should start using them?  Or maybe, for once, just let nature do her thing? 

Ahhh!!!!

Limbo

Today I visited with my GP.  I was supposed to get my tetanus shots but we decided to hold off.  I informed the office that I thought I was pregnant so they asked me to do a pregnancy test with their office so that they would have it in their records.  

Well, their test came back negative!  Negative!  Does everything have to be such a roller coaster ride for me?  I did 3 HPTs and all 3 were positive.  How is this possible? 

 I'm trying not to fret. The doctor felt positive about it.  She did send me off to get my beta tested but still, it's quite disconcerting.  How can the tests be so different? Is this "pregnancy" all in my head? 

 I'm trying to be positive. A few years ago, a friend of mine had positive home tests but at her doctor's office, it was negative.  Her daughter is now 2 years old. So I'm holding on to hope as that's all that I really have at this point.  

I'll be sure to post my blood test results tomorrow.  

Cross your fingers for me. 

Say a little prayer.

Send out positive energy.  

Please. 

Because I'm skeptical by nature...

I went and bought another HPT.  

It too displays two lines.  I *think* I'm about 22dpo.  My cycle is usually 26-28 days and today is CD 36.  I'm so accustomed to calculating everything post transfer so I feel a little out of sorts. 

Could this really be true? 

 

We're actually pregnant? 

I'm going to take another test in the morning.  I hope that the lines darken.  Unlike my previous pregnancy in March, these lines showed up right away.  In March, I actually threw the cheapie HPT away because it looked negative. 

Please let this be the one. 

Please stay snug in there little guy.  With my dad's recent diagnosis, I desperately want us to become parents and to make my mom and dad grandparents.  

Canada Day. Bad news. Good news.

Happy birthday Canada!

It's been difficult to find reasons to be grateful lately.  I have more than my fair share of shit to deal with.  But setting that aside, I am incredibly grateful to live in Canada.  

In 1970, my parents, along with my big brother who was 4 at the time, moved to Canada to build a new life.  While working in a paper mill in Finland, my father saw an ad to come help start up a new paper mill in Canada.  he jumped at the opportunity.  My mother was less than enthusiastic.  When they landed and were driving on the employee bus to town, all my mom saw were trees.  Rows and rows of trees. Mountains.  Rivers. Streams. No people.

Having lived in a very urban area in Finland, my mom was shocked.  She looked at my father and demanded, "What kind of hell have you brought me to?"  The plan was to stay for two years, build up a solid savings, and move back home to Finland.  Two years later, I arrived.  The talks of moving back ended.  Canada gave my parents opportunities that they may not have had in Finland.  My mother stated that they wouldn't have been able to afford a second child if they had remained in Finland.  There would have been no me.  

Happy birthday Canada. Thank you for giving my parents a wonderful opportunity. 

It's been tough since the D&C. I've had to remind myself frequently that life isn't total crap.  Dealing with the miscarriage is tough enough but then at school we lost 3 students in a month.  Two in a drowning and one from a form of juvenile Huttington's.  The school was thrown into emotional chaos.  My school is recognized as inner city, and we have all the issues that inner city schools have.  Those students who were walking a fine line between success and failure suddenly dropped off.  It was difficult to watch my students struggle. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life.  My father has been ill.  He suffers from pancreatitis and has had pain for the past year.  But lately something has changed.  He went for a biopsy on Father's Day. Last week the tests came back. 

Pancreatic cancer.  Fuck. Pancreatic fucking cancer.  I have never heard of any survivors of pancreatic cancer.  All the "celebrities" that I know who have had it die.  Steve Jobs.  Randy Pausch.  Patrick Swayze.  Pavarotti.   Cancer sucks but this type cancer fucking sucks.  Seventy-five percent die in the first year of diagnosis. 

 On the plus side, the growth is small - less that 2cm.  And it hasn't spread anywhere else.  It's just in the pancreas.  My dad will be coming down south for some more tests in a little over a week.  All I can do is be hopeful and optimistic.  I have to be strong for my dad.

Even though it's been a tornado of crap in my life lately, I do have some good news.  Today I took a cheapie HPT and it came back positive!  The line is light so that's a wee bit disconcerting.  So I'll be going to the store and purchasing some more tests just to make sure.  I've read that after a D&C implantation is more likely.  To be honest, I didn't think a natural pregnancy would be possible!  With Sweets's slow swimmers, I didn't think we could actually get pregnant without assistance.  

Of course the fear has already creeped into my mind and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.  According to my calculations, I'm 5 weeks today.  Fortunately I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled for Thursday.  I'll ask for a beta then.  Hopefully the numbers are awesome.   

We all need some good news right now and this is the best news for our family right now.  It's a freaking awesome surprise.