Oh F*ck

I've been experiencing very strong menstrual-like cramps this morning.  Not the twinges and mild cramping of the past week.  Full on period cramps.  My period is due on Sunday.  Beta is supposed to be next Wednesday.  

Fuck. 

I think this cycle is a bust.  

Again. 

5dp3dt

I know I'm not alone in saying that the two week wait sucks.  It's not even half way through the wait and I feel like I'm going a little mental.  Thankfully this week is going to be a little busy so I can take my mind of things and step away from Dr. Google.  

On Saturday I had a wonderful time hanging out with some of my high school girlfriends.  My friend Kelly recently returned to Canada after living in the USA for 10 years.  She wanted to celebrate her return so she hosted a great little party.  Since it was a topic of conversation the last time we got together, I was a little worried that the whole topic of TTC was going to come up again.  The last time I saw everyone together like this was about a month before my first IVF cycle.  We had a lot of laughs, played a little Wii, and enjoyed some amazing food.  It was exactly what I needed.  

Also on Saturday, I was supposed to call the embryologist to find out about the remaining two embryos that they were culturing.  Just I picked up the phone to call the number, I noticed a little note indicating that if my date to call landed on a Saturday, I would need to call on Monday to find out.  Bummer.  After a morning spent clock watching, I called the embryologist's lab today to find out the news.  As expected, the two they were culturing did not make it.  I suspect they were the two poorer quality embryos and the 5 that were frozen on Day 3 were among the best.  Of course it's disappointing but I'm still comforted by the fact that we have 5 waiting, just in case.  

As for symptom watch, there's really nothing much to report.  My cramping comes and goes.  It definitely feels like my period but from what I've read, there are similarities between menstrual cramps and early pregnancy cramps.  According to a implantation chart I found, yesterday, the embryo(s) would have started the task of burrowing into the lining.  Do people feel it implanting?  Is it a cramp?  Is it a twinge?  Also, I've read that with the progesterone, the cramping could be a result of the uterus preparing for implantation.  In the end, I have no clue.  It's a little disconcerting.  Yesterday, the breast soreness started.  I'm sure that's courtesy of the progesterone as well.  Other than the sore breasts and the cramps, I have no other symptoms.  I've never been pregnant so I have no clue what pregnancy feels like.

Zeus admiring the garden at sunset

Sadly, I'm well versed in what not being pregnant feels like.

On a different note, they're demolishing the beautiful old home behind our townhouse to put up a new townhouse complex.  I suppose it's somewhat hypocritical of me to be annoyed by this, but sadly we'll no longer have this beautiful view of the mountains and the sunset.      

Is it too early to freak out?

Now, I've been trying to be so relaxed.  These past two days, Sweets has literally be catering to my every need.  I haven't had to lift a finger.  While it seems great, I kind of hate it.  I want to go out into my garden, vacuum my home, do some laundry, play with my cats....all the things normal people do.  He did remind me today that I beat myself up during my FET cycle when I helped to move the love seat. So, okay, I'll be a couch potato for a couple of days.  You would think that I should be the picture of serenity, but I'm not.  


Today, I've been cramping.  They feel an awful lot like menstrual cramps.  Lower abdominal just above the pubic bone.  Needless to say, I'm kind of freaking out.  I typically get these same cramps in the same location a week before my period starts.  If this cycle is a bust, it's due on Sept 3rd.  According to IVF.ca's Due Date calculator  implantation would start on Sunday and end on the 1st of Sept, just before my period is due.  If my uterus is cramping, won't it make it impossible for the embryo(s) to implant?  Argh!!!!

Am I being overly pessimistic?  Probably, but I've become so accustomed to disappointment that in some way, I don't expect my super eggs to make it.  


My good friend Kelly says that I need to visualize a baby in my belly and one in my arms.  She's a firm believer in "The Secret."  Nothing else has worked thus far so perhaps I'll just have to give it a try.      

Consider me PUPO

The Vancouver housing market is insane.  A report that came out yesterday posited "Vancouver residents could expect to spend 92.5% of their pre-tax income on home ownership costs, including mortgage payments, utilities and property taxes."  In-freaking-sane.  That's why Sweets and I bought a townhouse in the 'burbs.  Granted, a townhouse in the 'burbs is the price of a home in Calgary.  Ugh....  

Where is this going?  Well, while housing costs are lower "across the bridge", when it comes to commuting, we suburbanites are slaves to traffic.  Our clinic is a good 40-50 mins away, almost in the heart of Vancouver.  This morning, three out of the 4 routes into the city had major accidents on them.  Not good.  Sweets is a slow mover in the morning but when he heard that we had to take the dreaded Port Mann into the city, he started moving double time.  Fortunately, while the traffic was not the best, I've seen it worse.  We actually got to the clinic only 3 minutes late.   Three minutes.  Wow.  I was expecting about 15-20 minutes late.  

After changing into my gown, the embryologist escorted us into the treatment room and got me seated on the table.  "You've got some very good embryos."  What?  Good embryos?  Us?  Is she mistaken?  She showed me the patient information sheet and said,  "Yes, you are transferring 3 8 cell embryos.  They are grade 1.  Very good."  She went on to explain, "We froze 5 of the embryos and are culturing 2 more to blastocyst stage.  They are good embryos too."  The remaining embryos are mainly grades 1 and 2.  There is one grade 4.  Sweets and I were both gobsmacked.  Wow!  What a difference a couple of months makes.

  Dr. A., who did the retrieval, performed the transfer as well.  I researched her a little online.  Apparently, she's the one of the best in Canada in the field of endometriosis and one of the early adopters in Canada of advanced laparoscopic surgical techniques  No wonder my retrieval went so well. 

As usual, Sweets has been awesome. He has insisted on me stretching out in the car on the way home.  When we got home, he asked "Do you need some help out of the car?"  LOL   What a sweetheart.

Now here I am.  Relaxing on the couch with my kitties, hoping and praying that one of those little guys takes.  

This is gonna be a long two weeks.  

"Good Job"

Even though it's a sad day in Canada, I can't help but feel a little jubilant.  The embryologist called this morning to report that of the 12 eggs, 10 fertilized.  In a genial voice, the embryologist said over the phone, "Good job."  I'm as pleased as punch.  Though I have fewer eggs, the percentage that fertilized this time is better than last.  For my first cycle, there were 14 eggs and 11 fertilized.  All I can do is I hope that they continue to grow and divide.  I call the clinic tomorrow to find out my transfer time.

As I indicated earlier, it is a sad day in Canada.  Jack Layton, Leader of the Official Opposition in government, passed away today of cancer.  Approximately a year ago, Layton won his first battle with prostate cancer.  And it was only last month when a tired and gaunt Layton held a press conference stating that he would be appointing an interim leader of the New Democratic Party so that he could battle with cancer again.  His health deteriorated so quickly.  This final battle with cancer only lasted a month.

His last words to the Canadian public are a source of inspiration to all.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.

And we'll change the world. 

He was a champion of social justice and will always be remembered for his love and passion for Canada.  

Good job Jack Layton.  Rest in peace.   

An even dozen

Does anyone get any sleep the night before their retrieval?  I honestly tried.  I went to bed early.  I read my book, The Magicians  by Lev Grossman (highly recommend it if you're a Potter fan).  Once it was lights out, all I did was toss and turn.  Granted, it was one of the warmest evenings we've had all summer (if you can really call it summer) so that didn't help.  Just before the alarm went off, my eyes were wide open in the haziness of the morning light.  Sweets slept a little bit last night but being the night owl that he is, he probably averaged about 3 hours of sleep.  


The drive in was perfect.  Very little traffic and we actually found a non-paying parking spot just a short walk from the clinic doors.

Things were different this time than last time..  When nurse Betty put in the IV, it didn't hurt like it did last time.  The retrieval itself seemed quicker and less painful.  Nurse Betty even remarked that they has used less medication on me to numb the pain.  Dr A. was awesome.  When she was leaving, Sweets and I both thanked her and remarked how quick it seemed.  She smiled and stated, "That's the way I do things.  If someone was poking me around down there, I would want them as quick and efficient as possible."  In the end, we extracted 12 eggs.  Only two less from the 14 we had last time.  Sweets and I are both pleased with that number.  I hope that the slower growth rate and the extra day of stimulation equates better egg quality.  


Though everything else seemed easier this time round, the only drawback is that I feel like my cramping is worse.  And while the heating pad has truly been my friend, it's so freaking warm and muggy today that I have to use my A/C as well.  So just imagine this, I'm hot and uncomfortable due to the weather, have to use my heating pad because I'm uncomfortable and have my air conditioning on full blast since I'm so warm. Ugh....  Now, for those of you who have done this a couple of times, should I still be cramping tomorrow?  Or should the worst of it be done by then.  For the life of me, I can't recall how long I had to endure these cramps last time.   


As most of you know, tomorrow is a big day.  We receive our fertilization report.  Last time, we had 100% fertilization with only IVF.  I hope we receive similar news.  

Now, back to my book.         

Engage!

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that I've been a little concerned about the differences between my first ivf and this current one.  My response has been different while the medications have been the same.  I guess soon enough, I'll know if this cycle is completely different in that it has a happy ending. 

As anticipated, I've been given the go for the HCG shot tonight.  From what I recall, I had about 9 follicles on the left and about 6 on the right.  Four of them are between 18-20mm.  According to Dr. A, the clinic guideline is to have at least 3.  My E2 levels came back at 9674 (or 2636 US).  Once again, I had a fellow preforming my u/s.  I think this must have been her first day in the clinic.  I overheard her asking my favourite nurse, Rav, if the weather was like this in Vancouver in the fall.  She wasn't the most gentle when it came to doing the u/s.  As you can imagine, I'm bloated and tender and having a wand poking around down there isn't most comfortable feeling.  On top of that, since she's not accustomed to doing these, she was a little slower than the regular Doctors.  I wasn't quite sure what a "fellow" is, so I asked Rav about it.  A fellow is a doctor who has already found a specialty but wants to have a more narrowed focus.  In this case, the fellows have specialized in obstetrics and gynecology which is five years of education and now they study and additional two years.  Good to know.   
 Well, at 9pm tonight, I give myself the Ovridel shot.  Bright and early on Sunday I'm at the clinic ready for extraction.  Last time, Sweets didn't get any sleep the night before.  I think he was super nervous.  Perhaps I'll pick up some nytol for him so that he can get a good night's rest on Saturday.  

I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  And, I'm cautious.  

Up. Up. Up.

Cycle day 9.  

A quick visit to the clinic proved to be fruitful.  Both my left and right ovaries have approximately 5 decent sized follicles and 4-5 follicles 9mm or under each.  The largest follicle is on the right sized at 17mm.  I think the grand total is about 10 substantial follicles and 10 wee ones.  For the most part, the follicles on my left ovary are quite uniform - 4 are 14mm in size.  My E2 has gone up nicely as well - around 5200.  I have two more days of injections (200 today; 150 tomorrow) and then another visit to the clinic on Friday.  I have a feeling that I'll be triggering on Friday night with my ER on Sunday.

I've been stressing out about this cycle, thinking I'm not progressing well.  Thanks to the many reassurances from the doctors and forums members on IVF.CA and Fertile Thoughts
Things are going well.  As they've stated over and over, it's quality not quantity.  Last time I had a lot of follicles but not necessarily the best quality eggs.   
 
That's about it on the fertility front.   Nothing else to report.  

View of West Vancouver from Prospect Point in Stanley Park

    

Wake up!

Yesterday we had a lovely evening with our in-laws.  It was my niece's 17th birthday so the family just got together for cake and coffee.  When she was born, my husband's brother, Lucky, would often pressure us about having kids.  Our retort?  "By the time we have kids, Alex will be able to babysit them."  Little did we know how true those words would prove to be.  

Today was another early wake up for a drive into the city.  If I hit the road by 7:10am at the latest, the traffic is fine.  Just a few minutes off and it turns ugly.  Today I left at 7:12am and could sense that I was on the cusp of a very nasty early commute.  Thankfully, I was able to manoeuvre myself through the traffic and to my destination without too much difficulty.  Since my last ultrasound did not demonstrate the follicle cornucopia that I had hoped for, I was rather anxious about my results this morning.  After all, they put me on a "high responder protocol" yet, I am not responding as well as I had last cycle.  I love the u/s nurse - Rav.  She is just a dear.  Every morning, no matter what, she always greats me with a huge smile of her face.  She just oozes this warm maternal quality.  I expected Dr. R to do the u/s, as he was in the clinic and actually set up the machine, and was surprised when Dr. A walked in.  From my understanding, he is a new doctor on the unit.  Since my clinic is in a teaching hospital, I wonder if he's doing an RE rotation or something.  Who knows?  He was nice and quite thorough in his examination.  

Finally it appears that the right side has finally woken up a little bit and decided to join the Puregon party.  Though most of my follicles are still 10mm or under, they are growing.  I have 6 on my left and 7 on my right.  As I mentioned previously, on my CD 5 last time, I had 25.  By the end of the whole cycle, there were 22 follicles and they extracted 14 eggs.  How many eggs will they find with only 13 follicles?  This huge difference in response is disconcerting to me.  Dr. R entered the room once the u/s was finished and I asked him whether I should be concerned or not.  After looking over my follicle progress, he stated that was not concerned and reassured me that there are follicles there and they are growing.  That's the positive news.  

So, now I just have to wait and see if I have to alter my medication in any way.  Dr. R. did intimate that I may have to increase my dosage.   

Worrywart

Please take a moment and send some positive prayers/energy/thoughts/wishes to Shannon of Chasing Rainbows and her little bug Finn. 

Have you ever had one of those days when the alarm goes off and you think it's all a dream?  That was me this morning.  The alarm seemed so unfamiliar to me.  A rude interruption to a sweet sleep.  Waking up was a bit of a chore.  Groggy and half asleep, I rolled out of bed and trudged into the bathroom to get prepared for my jaunt into the city and my date with a needle and the vag-cam.  

Today was my CD 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Because it's a Saturday, the drive in was traffic free and the hospital was incredibly quiet.  It's a rare occurrence for me to find a spot on the road allowing me to avoid the parking fees.  

I am a little concerned.  While I understand that each cycle is unique and that I shouldn't compare my last cycle to this one, I can't help but doing so.  To begin with, my E2 levels are a touch higher than last time - 1512 vs. 1539.  Further, my follicle count is a lot lower.  Last time at this point I had 25 follicles.  This time I have only 9.  Should I be worried?  I don't know but I am quite concerned.  The protocol is exactly the same - same drugs, same dose.  Logically I know that things won't be precisely the same but why is my body reacting so differently?  Both the doctor and the nurse stated that "it's still early."  Though I know that it was meant to ease my anxiety, all it did was ramp it up a notch.

With my E2 levels above 1000, I start my Orgalutran shots today.  While at the clinic, I asked them if I should go and pick up the prescription now in order to avoid having to drive back into the city again - about a 40-45 min drive depending on traffic.  At that point, they told me to hold off as the blood work would dictate the next step.  Annoyed, concerned, and frustrated, here I am having to drive back into Vancouver to get my shots.  I should have followed my instincts and just gone to the pharmacy.

On the plus side, when I drive into the city, this is what I get to see.  :) 

The beauty of Vancouver.  Photo taken from the Aquabus to Granville Island.

   

A tourist in my own city

For the past week, my friends L and S visited with us from Atlanta.  They are a blast.  As a result of a pen pal exchange program, L and I started writing each other when we were 14 or 15.  We met his partner S about 6 years ago while we were vacationing in London.  This week has been good for me.  Sweets and I have been laughing non-stop.  S is a hoot.  He is truly hilarious.  And even though I started injections on Tuesday, I haven't really thought of this cycle too much.  Yes, I've felt twinges in the ovaries but unlike last time, I haven't been consumed by thoughts of injections and babies.

When I arrived at my appointment on Tuesday, I was a little upset that I had the new nurse.  By new, I mean that she's been there for about a year so she's still a little inexperienced.  Nurse Vickie was uber flaky.  She kept forgetting things like picking up my blood work results and the injection kit.  She just seemed frazzled.  Needless to say, I didn't feel like I was in the best hands.  At this session, I discovered that I'm identified as a "high responder".  Really, that means nothing at all.  I may get a lot of eggs but I can't get pregnant.   Nurse Vickie indicated that I would be taking a new medication but rather than Menopur as previously indicated, I was going to be on Bravelle.  The idea of mixing the medications and injecting myself up to 3x a day was not appealing but like everyone else, I was willing to do it.    When the training was done, I asked her about my left over Puregon and what I should do with it.  Thankfully, my doctor was just next door so she popped in to ask him.  He seemed to feel that there was no reason why I couldn't just continue with the Puregon.  If LH is needed, it can be added in later.  

Tomorrow I go in for my day 5 blood work and ultrasound.  Here's hoping that everything is growing on schedule.       

 

IVF 2.0 CD1

My lovely Aunt Flo arrived yesterday.  She started off as a trickle, so my first inclination was that this was the calm before the storm. Yet today it's trickled off.  I recall a similar thing happening the last time I was on BCPs.  With that said, I called the clinic this morning and declared yesterday as CD1.  The nurse I spoke with asked me to go to my local lab to get a blood test today and then tomorrow I have an appointment with the nurse to get my prescription and be retrained for my injections.  I was under the assumption that I was going to be on the exact same protocol but she informed me that instead of Puregon, I'll be on Menopur instead.  I do recall that my RE wanted me to incorporate LH into my injections.  Unfortunately I have a box of Puregon in my fridge and now I won't be able to use it.  I'll double check tomorrow if I'm truly on a different protocol, but if so, it looks like I have a box of Puregon (follistim) for sale. Anyone interested?

On another note, my friends from Atlanta are here.  We are having a blast.  It's just been 4 days of laughter.  Laughter must be good for my health right now.  Though we've been running around a lot, seeing the sights, their visit has been exactly what I needed at this time. I haven't been preoccupied with the start of this IVF cycle which I think it good for my mental health.  And though I have indulged in a beer or two these past few days, I will completely refrain once I start my injections.     

Cousin Jane is Pregnant Again

I came across this on 999 reasons to laugh at infertility

Back in the saddle

Today I took my last BCP.  

Shortly AF will arrive and round two of Project "Let's Make a Baby" starts.  I'm entering into this round of IVF with few expectations.  Last March I was crushed by the failure of my first IVF cycle and I don't want to feel that way again.  I entered into it with so many hopes, only to have them blown away like a feather in a tornado.  This time, I vow to be more pragmatic and guarded.  I know what to expect.  I know what my odds are.  All I can do, is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

On the positive side of things, I've been keeping myself rather preoccupied with non-IF concerns.  For the past 4 weeks, I taught two blocks of remedial English at summer school.  While I complained about the early morning wake ups, I appreciated the routine and the lack of free time during the day.  Fortunately the students I worked with were nice kids.  I even had one girl pop by at the end and say "Thank you for reminding me that English can be fun and what it's like to have a good English teacher."  Her comments meant a lot to me.  Had I had that time off, I know I would have been at home stewing about the next IVF cycle and obsessively researching statistics etc....  But no, I've avoided all IVF and IF sites, blogs, and articles for the last month or so.  

Along with summer school, I had family (aunt and second cousin) visiting from Finland.  For the most part, they spent the majority of their holiday up north with my parents and then their final week was in Vancouver with me.  I hadn't seen my aunt since 1997 and at that time, my second cousin was only year old.  Now, she's 15!  My aunt, who never travels out of Finland, was just awestruck by the beauty of our city.  She kept saying with almost a childlike innocence, "I cannot believe the things I've seen.  I cannot believe that I am here."  My aunt not only lives in a rather rural part of Finland, like most Finns, but she's also not a very well traveled person.  All of this - from connecting in Heathrow to suffering from jet lag - was new to her.  On top of not speaking a word of English, she was bombarded by so many different sights, sounds, tastes.  At times, I wondered if it was almost an assault on her senses.  In Finland, it's an incredibly homogeneous population and, as you can imagine, BC is incredibly diverse.  In fact, with my husband being Greek, I imagine he's the first non-Finn she's ever really come in contact with!  On the day she left, she looked at me and said, "I'll be back when the baby is born."  

You see, my aunt suffered from infertility.  Though her husband has 3 children from a previous marriage, they were never able to conceive their own child.  From the sounds of it, her period was incredibly erratic and when it did arrive, debilitating.  Perhaps she suffered from PCOS?  Now in her late 60s and a widow, she reassured me that not having children doesn't bother her.  She stated that her life is full and she has no regrets.  She has such a gentle soul and I miss her presence already. 

With summer school completed and family returned to Finland, I have another set of visitors coming on Friday to distract me.  My friend L and his boyfriend S are flying in from Atlanta for a long visit.  I met L when I was in grade 9 when I signed up for a pen pal exchange.  His was one of the three names I received.  We got off to a bit of a bumpy start as I thought he was a girl (his name is somewhat unisex) and his Italian pride was rather insulted.  Thankfully he got over it and we forged a strong relationship from that point on.  So here we are, some twenty five years later, and we're still in each others' lives.  The two of us have been through a lot together.  All those miles away, we were each others' support and sounding board. 

The only issue with L and S arriving is that I'm due to start IVF 2.0 while they're here.  From my calculations, I'll only have to visit the clinic once or twice while they're visiting so hopefully I can keep everything on the down low.  Personally, I don't care if people know that we're pursuing infertility treatments but Sweets isn't a fan of letting people in on it.  So hopefully I'll be able to sneak in my shots without them noticing.   

So there is stands.  The next few weeks will be a whirlwind.  With touring around Vancouver (again) and calling in CD 1, my August is sure to be a doozy!