Sadness to Anger

I'm still reeling from AF's arrival yesterday.  But I think the sadness has moved to anger.  Why the fuck didn't 3 perfect embryos implant?  I'm going to call the clinic tomorrow and try to get into to see my RE as soon as possible.  We've now transferred 6 embryos and none of them have taken.  Why not?  I am going to ask for further testing to be done to see if there is something in my uterus that is hostile to the embryos or what.  I wonder how long all this testing will take.  We all know that time is not on my side.  

This fucking sucks!    Part of me is so, so sad but the other part is angry.  Furious  This just isn't fair.  At this rate, my niece will be pregnant before I am! I'm just sick of all this IF crap.

I'm sure many of you play little head games with yourself.  My period was incredibly spotty yesterday and most of the discharge was that lovely dark brown colour.  I tried to reason with myself that it could just be spotting and meant nothing.  That if it slows down and dissipates tomorrow, then there's still a chance.  But then the cramps came.  Those gut wrenching cramps that could mean nothing else than AF signalling that she's coming in for a forced landing.  Today it's full steam ahead.  I know that it seems ridiculous, but I'm still using my Crinone, and I'll be going in tomorrow to get my Beta done.  I know that it will once again come back as zero but I am a stickler for rules and protocol.   And like I said before, mind games.

To add insult to injury, yesterday our neighbours had a BBQ with friends.  Wouldn't you know, their guests had an adorable baby with them.  So there I was, stuck in my sadness and self-pity, and all I can hear is a little baby next door.  Cruel.      

You know, I just want to be a mommy.  And I really want to give my parents grandchildren.  Over the years, I witnessed my parents interact with other people's grandchildren.  They LOVE kids.  My dad especially.  He loves to play with kids.  His face just lights up when there is a baby or a toddler around.  Freaking LIGHTS UP.  I want to give that to them.  Ironically, my brother and his wife have chosen to not have children.  My SIL and I are almost the same age; she's 5 days older.  But I bet you if they started trying today, they would be pregnant before me.  I've always wanted children and I can't.  Arghh!!!  Not fair.