Yes, my ass looks fat in this.

I've always struggled with my weight.  Ever since I was a little girl, I was always been on the pudgy side of things.  As an adult, I worked hard to maintain a healthy weight but always lingered in the size 10-14 range.  In the past few years, with major changes in work and now with TTC, I've gained weight.  A lot of it.  About 45 pounds or so.  I'm not happy with my weight and quite depressed with my size.  In 2004 I ran my first 5k.  In 2005 my first 10k.  I always hated the first ten minutes of a run but loved the feeling after one.  Now, I get winded walking up my stairs.  Since last year, my life has been lived in two week increments.  Either I'm exercising moderately and waiting to ovulate or I'm in my 2ww and trying not to get my heart rate up too high.  It's a vicious circle.  I used to love exercising but all I want to do is sit on the couch, sleep in on weekends and eat everything that damages my body and my esteem.  


This Wednesday we have the high school commencement ceremony and I literally have nothing to wear.  With my body pumped full of estrogen and progesterone right now, even my size 16s are tight.  I tried on a few outfits today and broke down in tears of self-loathing.  I hate how I look right now and have difficulties looking at myself in the mirror.  How the heck am I supposed to sit on stage looking and feeling like this?  Sweets is his sweet self telling me I look beautiful but I know I don't.  I look like a sausage.  Spanx, don't fail me now!


Tomorrow is my FET.  I have the number for the lab to find out whether my little guy made it or not.  Sweets is not optimistic. I'm trying to be.  We've discussed whether we want to push for another round of IVF immediately or wait until August.  I'm of two minds.  I would love to get things back on track right away and start injections.  On the other hand, I would like to give my body a break and wait until August.  In that time, I can work out, lose some weight, save up some money and possibly gain some of my esteem back.  I don't know.  We'll see.  Hopefully we won't have to consider IVF because my little singleton will survive and thrive inside of me.