Kids These Days

Well, I've survived the first 4 days of summer school. The English 11 is class going well, though their writing and analytical skills are quite poor. My English 8 has been a challenge. They're really challenging my classroom managements skills. I had forgotten how much micro management is needed when they're this young and immature. Immaturity I can handle but things took a somewhat dangerous turn today.

Yesterday, I noticed one student making a gesture to a friend of his and mouthing, "I'm going to punch him in the face." He and I had a chat outside and I told him that he better not be thinking of having a fight after school, otherwise he would be expelled and be in serious trouble. He was adamant that he was just joking and nothing was planned. Well, guess what happened? He and another student in the class got into a fight. Fun. I got to sit in on the meeting with the two vice principals. Upon further investigation, we discovered that they had a fight two days before at the bus stop. Guess what it was over? A pair of broken headphones. That's right. Broken headphones. While we were all in the office, I told them what happened in class regarding the punching comment. I also threw in that boy #2 had been using derogatory language in class. We were working on sentence patterns and for his gerund, he wrote "Je.wing people is bad." Seriously? I had to control my anger and challenged him in his thinking. He was visibly uncomfortable (good) and feigned ignorance (yah right). Anyway, during the fight, he called student #1 a "dirty Mex.ican.". My God! What is wrong with kids? Well, despite my recommendation that both students be expelled from summer school, one of the vice principals decided to give them both one last chance.

Truly and honestly I hoped these boys would take this chance seriously. Almost immediately boy #2 started acting out. About 35mins into the class, he commently loudly and clearly to a different boy, "_____ you're dead." Hearing this, I sent boy #2 outside and told him to go to the office. He begged and he pleaded but I didn't relent. I should have escorted him to the summer school office but I didn't. Instead, he thought he would try to outsmart me and he headed to the regular office where the administrators are winding down from the 2011-2012 school year and had no clue what had just occurred the day before. So when #2 returned, boy #1 called me aside and stated that he had heard that #2 was carrying a knife and had planned to cut him. Another student verified this information as well. Really a knife?! I pulled out my phone and called the principal informing him that I have reports of a knife in my class. Moments later, two principals were at my door and student #2 was removed. They found the knife hidden in his shoe.

Why? Why did he do it? Was he scared? Was he trying to be intimidating? A kid doesn't bring a knife to school just because. I know that boy #1 has more to do with all this than we know. He's still on my radar. Here's hoping he learned something from all this and makes it through these next 15 days. Let's hope I make it through the next 15 days!

Happy 145th Canada!

I love Canada Day.  I love Canada.  When teaching History and Social Studies, I am so incredibly grateful to live in this wonderful, peaceful nation.  Of course there are things I would love to change, but when you consider the economic free fall in Greece and the civil war in Syria, gosh darn it.  We're freaking lucky to live in Canada.  Yes, my mortgage is astronomical but at least I have a beautiful home.  Yes, I pay a lot in taxes, but I don't have to worry about losing my home if I get sick.  Yes, the weather sucks, but hey, I live in a lush rain forest with gorgeous mountains and fresh air.  There are so many wonderful things in this country.  If you watched the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics, you may recall Shane Koyczan's "We Are More."  Here is an abridged version of his fabulous poem.      

Now on to the baby making business.  I had my biopsy a couple of weeks ago (holy ow!) and have transported the embryos to the new clinic.  Biggest bump so far?  The new clinic likes its patients to have a TSH below 2.5.  My TSH have been all over the map.  I had it tested about 3 weeks ago and it was 2.9 but after 3 weeks of synthyroid, it went up to 3.4.  WTF?  Seriously?  I had a momentary break down thinking that my FET would be pushed back yet again, but thankfully we'll be able to proceed.  The doctor had me up my medications a little.  Let's hope that does the trick.  The protocol is a little different from my original clinic.  Rather than patches, I'll be taking a pill.  The progesterone is still vaginal suppositories but it's a different brand than what I've used in the past.  I have an estimated transfer date of the 18th.  I'll be interested to see how my body reacts to the different medication. 


Between now and transfer, I have summer school start up, a 6th birthday party to attend, and a wedding to go to.   With summer school, I'm teaching English 8, which I haven't taught since 2005, and English 11, which I've never taught.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends/colleagues who have given me a lot of their lesson plans so I'm not completely starting from scratch.  There is a lot to keep me preoccupied before transfer.  I hope everything goes well and there are no set backs!


Happy Canada Day everyone!      


  





  

The White Whale

I think I've been in a good head space since my BFN.  I haven't contacted the clinic to make an appointment for January yet.  I better get on that soon.  With them being short an RE, I wonder if that will increase wait times.  While treatments have been the furthest from my mind, getting pregnant is still front and center.  I've been tracking my cycle and monitoring all the bodily aches and fluids that we're supposed to monitor.  Sweets and I are still hopeful that things will work out for us.  


With all the pain and turmoil this process has caused, I'm endeavoring to capture my white whale.  Isn't that a fitting metaphor?  Infertility is our Moby Dick.  Infertility viciously attacks our psyches, destroys our confidence and threatens to rip us apart.  I don't want to be Captain Ahab.  I don't want to obsessed to the point where is destroys who I am.


So, as a result, in an effort to maintain my sanity, I hope you don't mind if I mix my blog up with not only musings on my fertility journey, but also with thoughts on my profession.  I've been really exploring and reflecting on myself as a teacher.  My goal is to make my students into well educated, thoughtful, empathetic individuals.  As a result, I've been changing the way I do things. The way I assess my students; the way I deliver the curriculum.  Or perhaps, I'll just create another blog to think these things over.  I'm not sure.  


The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not going to let that White Whale drag me down to the bottom of the ocean.     

Today was a good day

I have nothing to report on the infertility/baby quest front.  Just waiting to ovulate so Sweets and I can do the deed.  That sounds dirty doesn't it?  Can you really call sex with a purpose (baby) making love?  Like every other woman suffering from IF, the idea of getting pregnant naturally would be like finding the Holy Grail.  Wholly desired but unfathomable.  Anyway, I'm counting down the days to my appointment.  I hope Dr. C is able to provide us with some answers and give us some direction as to where to go next. 

It's only been a week and a half of school and I am loving my History 12 class.  Today we had a great day.  It was a lesson on ideologies and political parties - communism, fascism, socialism etc...  I had the students get into groups and they wrote "I am" poems.  They personified the ideology.  Every year, I look forward to this lesson because I always enjoy the poems produced.  Wow. I was not disappointed.  Today the poems the students produced today were just outstanding.  The vocabulary, the insight, and imagination were amazing.  A few of the students even "performed" their poems as if they were performing spoken word.  I think the most ironic reading came from an African Canadian student who read out his group's Nazism poem yet sounded like a Baptist preacher on a Sunday.  It was a perfect lesson.  The students worked well together, learned the material and had some fun.  On top of the super, awesome A+++ History class today, after my English class the SEA (special education assistant) took me aside and said, "I don't know if I'll be here after tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that I think you're an incredible teacher."  With all the teacher bashing I've been reading lately in the education blogs, it feels good to have a lesson go perfectly and to hear from someone, who I've only worked with for 3 days say that I'm doing a great job.  All in all, it turned out to be a super duper day.  :)  

I don't have everything I want in life, but darn it, I love my job and I guess I'm pretty good at it.  For that I am thankful.           

Back in the saddle

Today I took my last BCP.  

Shortly AF will arrive and round two of Project "Let's Make a Baby" starts.  I'm entering into this round of IVF with few expectations.  Last March I was crushed by the failure of my first IVF cycle and I don't want to feel that way again.  I entered into it with so many hopes, only to have them blown away like a feather in a tornado.  This time, I vow to be more pragmatic and guarded.  I know what to expect.  I know what my odds are.  All I can do, is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

On the positive side of things, I've been keeping myself rather preoccupied with non-IF concerns.  For the past 4 weeks, I taught two blocks of remedial English at summer school.  While I complained about the early morning wake ups, I appreciated the routine and the lack of free time during the day.  Fortunately the students I worked with were nice kids.  I even had one girl pop by at the end and say "Thank you for reminding me that English can be fun and what it's like to have a good English teacher."  Her comments meant a lot to me.  Had I had that time off, I know I would have been at home stewing about the next IVF cycle and obsessively researching statistics etc....  But no, I've avoided all IVF and IF sites, blogs, and articles for the last month or so.  

Along with summer school, I had family (aunt and second cousin) visiting from Finland.  For the most part, they spent the majority of their holiday up north with my parents and then their final week was in Vancouver with me.  I hadn't seen my aunt since 1997 and at that time, my second cousin was only year old.  Now, she's 15!  My aunt, who never travels out of Finland, was just awestruck by the beauty of our city.  She kept saying with almost a childlike innocence, "I cannot believe the things I've seen.  I cannot believe that I am here."  My aunt not only lives in a rather rural part of Finland, like most Finns, but she's also not a very well traveled person.  All of this - from connecting in Heathrow to suffering from jet lag - was new to her.  On top of not speaking a word of English, she was bombarded by so many different sights, sounds, tastes.  At times, I wondered if it was almost an assault on her senses.  In Finland, it's an incredibly homogeneous population and, as you can imagine, BC is incredibly diverse.  In fact, with my husband being Greek, I imagine he's the first non-Finn she's ever really come in contact with!  On the day she left, she looked at me and said, "I'll be back when the baby is born."  

You see, my aunt suffered from infertility.  Though her husband has 3 children from a previous marriage, they were never able to conceive their own child.  From the sounds of it, her period was incredibly erratic and when it did arrive, debilitating.  Perhaps she suffered from PCOS?  Now in her late 60s and a widow, she reassured me that not having children doesn't bother her.  She stated that her life is full and she has no regrets.  She has such a gentle soul and I miss her presence already. 

With summer school completed and family returned to Finland, I have another set of visitors coming on Friday to distract me.  My friend L and his boyfriend S are flying in from Atlanta for a long visit.  I met L when I was in grade 9 when I signed up for a pen pal exchange.  His was one of the three names I received.  We got off to a bit of a bumpy start as I thought he was a girl (his name is somewhat unisex) and his Italian pride was rather insulted.  Thankfully he got over it and we forged a strong relationship from that point on.  So here we are, some twenty five years later, and we're still in each others' lives.  The two of us have been through a lot together.  All those miles away, we were each others' support and sounding board. 

The only issue with L and S arriving is that I'm due to start IVF 2.0 while they're here.  From my calculations, I'll only have to visit the clinic once or twice while they're visiting so hopefully I can keep everything on the down low.  Personally, I don't care if people know that we're pursuing infertility treatments but Sweets isn't a fan of letting people in on it.  So hopefully I'll be able to sneak in my shots without them noticing.   

So there is stands.  The next few weeks will be a whirlwind.  With touring around Vancouver (again) and calling in CD 1, my August is sure to be a doozy!

Kids say the darnedest things

Today, in my English 10 class, we discussed Romeo and Juliet.  At the beginning of the play, Lady Juliet's mother, Lady Capulet, tries to convince Juliet to marry the County Paris.  She remarks that she had had a number of children by Juliet's age (2 weeks shy of 14).  Shock and horrified, students tend to find Juliet's age rather unsettling.  I reminded them that people died much earlier in the 1500s and for Juliet to not be married already was quite out of the ordinary.  A student asked, "What would 13 be then today?"  I guessed that it would in the early 20s or so.  Considered quite old at that time, Lady Capulet is estimated to be 28 years old or so.  Another student piped up, utterly unsolicited, "I think women who have babies when they're 40 is gross."  I was quite shocked and had to bite my tongue.  Part of me wanted to challenge and question her, "So do you think I'm gross? I'm trying to have a baby and I'm almost 40."  But I didn't.  I simply said,"Wow that's quite a strong opinion" and then moved on quickly to the next scene of the play. 


What else could have been said?  It's not as though I'm going to air out my laundry in front of a bunch of 15 year olds who cannot fathom complex issues like pregnancy and infertility.  Inappropriate.  Unprofessional.  But it's been sitting with me. Nagging me.  Irritating me like mosquito in my bedroom.  Her comment got under my skin.  Why would it bother her so?  What's the big deal if a woman wants to have a baby at 40?  How does it effect her?  If she's lucky, she won't have to worry about making babies when she's older.  She'll be one of those fortunate ladies who had pockets filled with baby dust.  But perhaps not.  Statistics tell us that there is a 1 in 10 possibility that one day, she'll be putting on estrogen patches, injecting herself with hormones, obsessively inspecting her panties, peeing on multiple sticks.  Who knows?  Maybe one day, she'll be a 40 year old weeping in the bathroom because once her body has betrayed her.  


As for me, I've been cramping on and off over the past few days.  Typically, I cramp a little bit the week before my period arrives.  Then just before my period, nothing.  No cramps.  As soon as I start spotting, the cramps return.  I'm trying to be completely zen about this.  I'm working hard at not obsessing, keeping myself busy with work and home.  I'm supposed to get my beta on the 12th, the same day that AF is due, but the lab is closed on Sundays.  Hopefully the wicked witch stays away this time!


Speaking of wicked, I'm off to see Wicked tomorrow with my bff.  I've seen it once before in San Diego, but so enjoyed it that I'm going to see it again.  Good times.  :)  And good thing that the hockey match is on Saturday and not tomorrow.  It would be IMPOSSIBLE to get around the downtown core.  Last night there were an estimated 40,000 people in downtown Vancouver watching the game at outdoor revenues.  Nutso!  Canucks fever has swept the city!                   

39

Today is my birthday.  I'm 39 years old.  My life is good.  I have a husband whom I adore, a home I love, a family I cherish.  On top of that I have an inspiring job, friends who support me, and kitties that make me smile every day.  Yet, I'm living a life unfulfilled.  I want to be a mother.  That's my birthday wish.  A baby before I'm 40.  Please?

I've been on the patches for a week now.  Though I'm not noticing any emotional shifts, my body feels like it's expanding with each day. I feel so freaking bloated.  I hate it  Today, I just wanted to peel off my all my clothes.  Everything is pulling in the wrong direction.  It felt as if my breasts were going to burst from my bra. That would go over well with 15 year old boys!  

Ugh...Soon I increase it to 4 patches.  I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be feeling then.  At least if I was pregnant, I would have a reason to be bloated and fat.  But I'm not, so I don't.  

On the plus side, a coworker and I have been working out together and are going to start walking everyday after work.  So I'm going to fight this weight gain/bloat as best I can.  Wish me luck!   

Mini-hiatus

Since the failure of my first IVF cycle, I've kind of gone on hiatus from infertility.  I haven't been visiting the fertility boards nor have I been reading blogs or posting myself.  I've stopped obsessively searching for everything and anything on infertility.  I've stopped talking to my husband about it.  I needed to take a vacation away from infertility and not think about it.  But today, my vacation ended.  
A good friend and coworker came by to visit me today after classes were over.  She's currently on her maternity leave (we started trying about the same time btw) but she's been at the school every so often to complete the practicum portion of her secondary counseling masters.  Since we haven't seen each other on a daily basis like we used to, we've been a bit out of touch with each other's lives.  She knows that we've been trying to conceive and of course she asked the question, "How are things on the pregnancy front?"  
All those emotions I had been able to keep in check for the past week just flooded back to me.  Last week, when I had the meltdown in front of my English 10 class, I met with two of the counselors, good friends of mine.  They helped me process my emotions and gave me strength to go back into the classroom and not feel like I'm constantly battling with my emotions.  I've been great all week until today.  I'm so tired of crying.  I'm so tired of putting on a brave face, but I really have no choice.  
Needless to say, I was feeling rather blue today and finally decided to read up on some of the blogs I follow.  Jay, of The 2 Week Wait, wrote this in her blog today.  It made me feel better.  Made me feel stronger.  Perhaps it'll do the same for you.

...[H]ow many times have we all done that? Said to ourselves that we are failures? That we are losers? That we’re ashamed? That we can’t do anything right? When are we going to forgive ourselves despite the obvious fact that we haven’t actually done anything wrong in the first place?!?!

More importantly, how can we expect others to show us respect when we can’t show ourselves the respect we so deserve? We are amazing, strong, resilient, supportive women. We subject ourselves to physical and financial strain without any guarantees. We are expected to rejoice for everyone pregnancies without question when so few people go out of their way to support our losses… but we do it. Often. We smile. We buy presents and we hide our pain. We willingly go through hell at the mere promise that we may have a child of our own. We wake up every day, get dressed, function in society no matter what hormones we’re taking, how we’re feeling or what bad news we’ve just been delivered. And yes, we occasionally yell at women pushing strollers but that just means we’re human. We get jealous and resentful but we pick ourselves up over and over and over again and keep going. We are unsung heroes who even in our weaker moments show more strength and courage in one cycle than most people do in an entire lifetime. 

I am lucky.

Yes.  Infertility sucks.  But there are some wonderful things in my life.  Though it may not seem like it lately, I do love my job.  I love teaching; I'm passionate about my subjects.  On Monday, I snapped at two of my favourite students and then broke down in tears when they stopped in to see me.  I didn't mean to and I apologized sincerely.  They both offered me hugs and one of them checked in on me later in the day.  

Today, Cass came by and asked, "Mrs. B can I come by at lunch and get you to look at something?"  Assuming it was for some sort of post-secondary application, I didn't hesitate to say yes.  Well at lunch Cass, Elle and Becca came into my room, arms full of gifts and baking.  Cass had made me a beautiful card and a lemon loaf.  Elle made amazing walnut butter tarts. And Becca made delicious banana bread with chocolate chips.  The three of them then put together a little gift bag of hot chocolate, chocolate, tea, bath salts, hand lotion and homemade jam.  They said, "We wanted to make you a warm and fuzzy package to help you feel better."  How thoughtful is that?  They saw me in pain and they reached out to make me feel better.

Yes infertility sucks big time.  I hate that I feel this way.  Right now, I have no control over my body and my emotions.  It sucks.  But you know what?  I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.     

Too tired to sleep

Three more days. Three more days and then I'm finished with this semester's classes. 

It's been a chaotic five months.  I never seemed to find my footing or my stride.  I've felt like I've been stumbling through my classes.  I feel guilty.  I haven't been the teacher I know I can be.  I know I'm better than this.  I've been forgetful, terse, and sullen.  This is not me.  

I love teaching, yet, I have not enjoyed myself as I have in past years.  I've failed to connect with my English 10 class.  My Socials 11 class frustrates me with their apathy and immaturity.  And my History 12, which in the past was my reason for waking up and going to work in the morning, has been hijacked by a group of boys who really would rather text on their phones or watch Youtube clips than discuss the Civil Rights movement.

Stalin and Hitler -
the Nazi-Soviet Pact lives!

Don't get me wrong.  Each class has some redeeming qualities.  For instance, there are some amazing people in my History 12 class.  One student actually made me Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini finger puppets.  How thoughtful is that?  I cannot wait to see what fabulous adults they'll become.  They could have taught themselves.  And in a way, they have as I've felt "off" for the past 5 months.    

I'm sure it has something to do with all this infertility nonsense.  Rather than marking papers or creating new lessons, researching medications, treatments, techniques and clinics preoccupy my time.  I've been obsessively reading IF blogs.  On top of that, at least once a month I've been missing in action for my IUIs.  And when yet another 2ww ends in disappointment, it's difficult to not let it affect me in class.  When my first IUI was a bust, I burst into tears just as my Socials class walked in.  It didn't help that my coworker had just announced her pregnancy to the whole staff that day.  She married in July and was pregnant by Sept.  There's a reason why I avoid the staff room at lunch nowadays.

Things will only get worse.  Soon we'll be starting our IVF treatment.  I'm sure a new level of insanity will ensue.     

But for now, I have three more days left with these guys.  Three more days of marking, planning and reviewing.  I've never felt so exhausted - emotionally and physically.  Sadly, I'm too tired to sleep.