Sucks to be me...

Beta came back negative.

Sunshine and disappointment

It appears that spring has finally arrived in southern British Columbia.  For the past few days, we've experienced relatively good weather.  Sweets and I have enjoyed our afternoons and evenings gardening in our little backyard.  Since the weather has been so great, we finally picked up a love seat his parents have been holding on for us.  It's been a while since I've driven a pick-up, especially in lower mainland traffic, but we survived the trip there and back and neither the love seat nor the truck were damaged. However, I think I screwed up.  I was expecting Sweets's father to help us with the love seat, but I forgot that he injured his back.  So I helped move the love seat.  It was light; it was super easy to move and I felt no strain in lifting it.  But I'm not supposed to pick up heavy items during this two week wait.  And I did.  I think I fucked up.  What if my momentary lapse has lead to this cycle being a bust?

I've been having cramps on and on literally since the transfer.  I took a home pregnancy test 9 days after transfer and it was a BFN.  My period was due around the 8th, and it's not here yet.  But, my period was a week late last time.  It's been two weeks today since my transfer and this morning I woke with intensified cramps. Not painful, but more "present" than the previous cramps I've been experiencing.  Every time I've had a treatment, my period either arrived two weeks after the treatment or on the day my period was due.  I guess I'm on schedule as I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period today.  

  

POAS this morning

It was a BFN.  I'm hoping it's too soon.  It was a cheapo dollar HPT so hopefully it's not sensitive enough to detect low levels of HCG.  But, I'm still cramping.  It is a bit strange.  It's constant and kind of in the upper part of my tummy.  I bet you tomorrow I'll be greeted by spotting.  Argh.

Is that a Rubenesque woman I hear singing?

I'm cramping up a storm.  Sure, I can try to remain optimistic and think, "Maybe it's my uterus expanding" but I'm sure it's my period announcing its arrival shortly.  I expect it to arrive by Wednesday or Thursday.  Just to humour myself, I'll POAS tomorrow.  I anticipate that it'll be a BFN.


Yesterday, my friend Nicole had a baby girl.  I'm happy for her but wish it was me.  She got married last July and was pregnant by September.  The day that she announced her pregnancy to the staff at school, I had my first IUI BFN.  I did not handle it well.  In fact, I broke down in tears just before teaching my Socials 11 class.  Thankfully I pulled myself together and finished teaching the class.  You know, in the past 6 weeks, I've had four friends give birth and in a couple weeks another one is due.  Fuckedy fuck fuck.  


To add more shit to this shit pile, Vancouver is being demolished in Boston.  Crap.  

Kids say the darnedest things

Today, in my English 10 class, we discussed Romeo and Juliet.  At the beginning of the play, Lady Juliet's mother, Lady Capulet, tries to convince Juliet to marry the County Paris.  She remarks that she had had a number of children by Juliet's age (2 weeks shy of 14).  Shock and horrified, students tend to find Juliet's age rather unsettling.  I reminded them that people died much earlier in the 1500s and for Juliet to not be married already was quite out of the ordinary.  A student asked, "What would 13 be then today?"  I guessed that it would in the early 20s or so.  Considered quite old at that time, Lady Capulet is estimated to be 28 years old or so.  Another student piped up, utterly unsolicited, "I think women who have babies when they're 40 is gross."  I was quite shocked and had to bite my tongue.  Part of me wanted to challenge and question her, "So do you think I'm gross? I'm trying to have a baby and I'm almost 40."  But I didn't.  I simply said,"Wow that's quite a strong opinion" and then moved on quickly to the next scene of the play. 


What else could have been said?  It's not as though I'm going to air out my laundry in front of a bunch of 15 year olds who cannot fathom complex issues like pregnancy and infertility.  Inappropriate.  Unprofessional.  But it's been sitting with me. Nagging me.  Irritating me like mosquito in my bedroom.  Her comment got under my skin.  Why would it bother her so?  What's the big deal if a woman wants to have a baby at 40?  How does it effect her?  If she's lucky, she won't have to worry about making babies when she's older.  She'll be one of those fortunate ladies who had pockets filled with baby dust.  But perhaps not.  Statistics tell us that there is a 1 in 10 possibility that one day, she'll be putting on estrogen patches, injecting herself with hormones, obsessively inspecting her panties, peeing on multiple sticks.  Who knows?  Maybe one day, she'll be a 40 year old weeping in the bathroom because once her body has betrayed her.  


As for me, I've been cramping on and off over the past few days.  Typically, I cramp a little bit the week before my period arrives.  Then just before my period, nothing.  No cramps.  As soon as I start spotting, the cramps return.  I'm trying to be completely zen about this.  I'm working hard at not obsessing, keeping myself busy with work and home.  I'm supposed to get my beta on the 12th, the same day that AF is due, but the lab is closed on Sundays.  Hopefully the wicked witch stays away this time!


Speaking of wicked, I'm off to see Wicked tomorrow with my bff.  I've seen it once before in San Diego, but so enjoyed it that I'm going to see it again.  Good times.  :)  And good thing that the hockey match is on Saturday and not tomorrow.  It would be IMPOSSIBLE to get around the downtown core.  Last night there were an estimated 40,000 people in downtown Vancouver watching the game at outdoor revenues.  Nutso!  Canucks fever has swept the city!