Kindness of others

It's been 20 days since I have surgery to correct my ankle.  It's been a tough 20 days.  Infertility is depressing. Throw being utterly dependent on the kindness of family and friends on top of that and it's a recipe for the blues.  

I took the week off of work and returned to teaching for the last week of summer school classes. It was tough. Not only did I have to deal with the physical environment but at the end of each day my ankle was swollen and achy. After a quick bite to eat, I slept for an hour or two.  It was exhausting.  

To add to the stress, Sweets had to go out of town for a week for work.  He offered to cancel the contract but I refused.  He needed to re-establish his relationship with this client and bowing out last minute wasn't feasible. With Sweets gone all week, I had to find another way to get to work.  My BFF was amazing; she drove me to and from work each day.  

I honestly can't thank her enough.  She constantly checks in on me and invites me out.  We went to see a film the other day.  It was nice to be out and about but a little stressful as I didn't know if I could manage to manoeuvre with my crutches amongst the crowds.  

Not only has my childhood BFF been awesome but my other BFF J has also been amazing.  She's visited a couple of times and she even took my car into the shop to get repaired and prepped for a road trip (more on the road trip later).  She spent 2 hours at the shop waiting for it.  

Even my neighbours have been helping me out! They've shared their meals with me, brought me beautiful flowers, and have even taken my recycling out.  

 I am truly overwhelmed by their generosity.  

Sweets came home for about a day and then had to leave again to attend his BFF's wedding in another province.  Again he wanted to cancel to stay home with me but I insisted he go; it's his best friend.  He's in the wedding party.  He hasn't seen his friend in 2 years. He needed this opportunity to reconnect with his best friend. 

During his one day stay at home we went to a walk-in medical clinic and had the staples removed.  Ouch! My orthopaedic surgeon's office is closed this week so I don't see him until the 21st.  That's when I'll get my cast. I only have the temporary surgical splint right now.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to get an ai.rca.st boot so that I can take it off for showering.   

As for the road trip, my family from Europe is coming. My aunt and my cousin arrive on the 20th.  Then after my appointment with the  OS on the 21st, we make the 18 hour trip north to visit my parents. Though I can't drive, my cousin can.  My dad will be starting his second round of chemo the day we arrive. I'm a little nervous about seeing my dad.  He's been in excellent spirits so that's good.  We keep stating to ourselves that though only 5% make it to year 5, he could be one of the 5%.  He'll make it. 

On the fertility front, things have been quiet.  Having a broken ankle kind of puts a damper on any romantic inclinations.  And since I can't drive, a trip to the RE to discuss our next cycle is impossible. I'm hoping to be walking and driving by early Sept. I'll make the appointment to see her then. 

Sorry for the long post.  I really should update my blog more often.  Right now it's just a whole lot of sitting, watching Ne.tflix, and reading.  I'll update things when I go home for the visit. 

Take care my friends. 

What to do next?

Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next.  Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3  but I'm not ready.  Not ready emotionally, physically or financially.  I want to take a break from infertility.  Just for a little while.  Is that possible?  I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.  


I'm going to take the next few months off.  Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET.  My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.  


Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work.  I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments.  I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner.  I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.


If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET.  Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF.  We simply cannot afford another round at this point.  I've been thinking about IUIs with injections.  Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low.  But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option.  While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF.  Hopefully the RE will agree. 


Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what?  Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption.  With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother.  I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind.  Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents.  That just kills me.  I so want to make them grandparents.  It pains me that they're not.  It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant.  Argh....  Life sucks sometimes.      

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It's so easy to focus and fixate on all the things that we don't have in our lives that we often forget about all the wonderful things surrounding us.  Today I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.

I am thankful for my incredibly thoughtful, loving and supportive husband.  Though we've only been married for seven years, we've been together for almost twenty.  We've grown up together.  And rather than growing apart as we age, we've grown closer than ever.  He's my rock and my light.  I love you Sweets.

I am thankful for my amazing parents.  Really, I have no words to express my gratitude and love for them.  They've been there for me every step of the way.  Whether it was helping me through university, providing me with a room over my head, or comforting me when, once again, my body betrayed me, they have offered me unconditional love and support.  I love you Aiti and Isi.  

I am thankful for my friends.  Whether I need a laugh or a shoulder, I know that I can count on them.   I love you I, J, and S. 

I am thankful for my kitties, my substitute babies.  Not a day goes by without laughter or cuddles.  My boys provide me with an outlet for my need to be a mother.  I love you pudsters.

I am thankful for my job.  I love teaching.  I love working with teenagers.  I love helping them find their path.  Actually, it's not a job; it's a calling.  To hear students say that they look forward to my class all day makes my heart sing.  I love to teach.

I am thankful for my home.  To have a place of our own is just a dream come true.  I love my home. 

I have many things to be thankful for.  It's time to take off my IF blinders and appreciate all that I do have.   I love my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  

39

Today is my birthday.  I'm 39 years old.  My life is good.  I have a husband whom I adore, a home I love, a family I cherish.  On top of that I have an inspiring job, friends who support me, and kitties that make me smile every day.  Yet, I'm living a life unfulfilled.  I want to be a mother.  That's my birthday wish.  A baby before I'm 40.  Please?

I've been on the patches for a week now.  Though I'm not noticing any emotional shifts, my body feels like it's expanding with each day. I feel so freaking bloated.  I hate it  Today, I just wanted to peel off my all my clothes.  Everything is pulling in the wrong direction.  It felt as if my breasts were going to burst from my bra. That would go over well with 15 year old boys!  

Ugh...Soon I increase it to 4 patches.  I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be feeling then.  At least if I was pregnant, I would have a reason to be bloated and fat.  But I'm not, so I don't.  

On the plus side, a coworker and I have been working out together and are going to start walking everyday after work.  So I'm going to fight this weight gain/bloat as best I can.  Wish me luck!   

01-01-11 Vasilopita in the House

It's a Greek tradition that on the first day of the new year, the family eats vasilopita.  Essentially, it's a sweet bread, kind of like brioche.  Hidden within the bread is a coin wrapped in foil which symbolizes good fortune for the year.  After blessing the house, my FIL cuts and doles the bread out.  Not do the 8 of us receive a piece of vasilopita, but Jesus and the house receive a piece of bread as well. In the 15 years that I've been part of this tradition, I think I've received the coin once.  In that same time, my husband has never received the coin.  We have a feeling that the baker, my beloved and eccentric MIL, rigs it so that our niece or nephew get the coin, and then ultimately, the good fortune for the year.  
More than ever before, I want this coin.  I need this coin.  We need all the luck and good fortune we can get this year.  


UPDATE:  Neither my husband nor I got the lucky coin this year.   It went to Mary, so back to the church.  Is it wrong of me to be jealous of the Virgin Mary?