Well that was short lived.

Never mind.

Beta came back.

It dropped.

188.  

Let the miscarriage commence. 

D&C and moving on.

On Thursday I went to Women's Hospital for a D&C. It was emotional. I don't recall the pain but I do recall asking for more medication while in the procedure room. The nurse in the procedure room performed two of my IUIs when I was at that phase in my treatment. She recognized my name. Bummer.

They are sending whatever they collected for testing so I hope I get some answers.

The woman next to me was there for a miscarriage as well. I think she was a recovering addict because she was in real pain but did not want any meds to dull the pain after the procedure. In the end, she did accept some. She was writhing in pain. I could hear her laboured breath.

The day of the procedure I felt quite icky. Quite a bit of bleeding plus the antibiotics they gave me made everything taste like metal. But other than a little spotting and some cramps, everything is fine these past few days.

My RE is leaving our clinic. So another change is on the horizon. We'll be staying at this clinic rather than moving with him. Though he's a great doctor, we haven't become attached to him. Plus we had more interaction with the owner of the clinic. She performed our FET last summer and was the RE for all my ultrasounds, the ER, and ET this cycle. I dreamt last night that we had a new RE. That she was brought from the States to our clinic and was incredibly well respected. Her name was Dr. Willo.ughby. No clue why Willo.ughby but that's the name that was in my dream. We do have a Willo.ughby Heights in our area. Maybe that's why?

This is a strange question but did I miscarry at 6w5days or did I miscarry at 8w5days? We discovered that there was no growth at 6 weeks but the D&C occurred at 8 weeks? Messed up question but I'm curious. I would have been 9w1day today. I know I would have been counting down to the end of my first trimester. The due date would have been the day after my brother's birthday.

Today I start to take care of myself. They weighed me for this procedure and holy f*ck, I've gained a lot of weight. This is far, far from my comfort zone. I think I'm going to take a break on treatments. I was to get healthier because if I do get pregnant at this weight, there will be complications. I think we'll do our last transfer in August. That gives me a few months to lose weight and heal from this loss.

My plan? Go to bed earlier and wake up about 40 mins earlier so that I can walk on my treadmill. When I get home from work, I'm exhausted and exercising is not a priority. As I feel better, I'll probably go back to my walk/run program. I used to run 5 and 10k runs and now I'm a couch potato. I would also like to start yoga. I noticed a new yoga studio is opening just 5 mins from me. I'll check it out and see if they have any grand opening specials. I would like to lose 5 pounds a month which I think is doable. I'll go back to writing down what I eat. When I was on weig.thwatchers years ago, it really worked. It kept me in check. I will not get down on myself. My body has been through a lot these past few years. I could have coped with the disappointment in more healthy ways but that's life. I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

Here comes the rain again

The ultrasound showed no growth.

I expected it and was actually able to enjoy an afternoon out with my husband. We went to our favourite coffee shop. I ordered a delicious americano misto. We went out for sushi at a funky restaurant, shopped for EVOO at the Greek deli, and bought some wine from the specialty liquor store. Even though it was (and still is) pouring rain, it was a comforting. Just what the doctor ordered.

But then I came home and signed onto face.book.

My friend just announced her pregnancy. Ouch! Like a blade to the gut. Sad thing is that she and I started the pregnancy journey at the same time. Well, I started treatments. She started the old fashioned TTC. Her daughter is now 3 and she's expecting a second. I'm really happy for her but man does it hurt! Hurts like ________! (Feel free to fill in the blank.)

Bad News

It's a beautiful day here and I really can't enjoy it.

Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and a fetal pole. Unfortunately it measured a week behind. So I guess the spotting I experienced last week may have signalled the end of this pregnancy? While I never truly allowed my heart to open up to this pregnancy, I still feel gutted. I mean, it was a long shot. First the super heavy bleed that happened. Then the low first beta. To have had it double was a miracle. Even this last 3rd beta fell within the doubling time parameters. It truly would have been a miracle had it continue to progress. I was hoping for a miracle.

Sweets and I haven't really spoken about it. I went upstairs and cried. He remained downstairs. We're both wounded.

Unless bleeding starts between now and Thursday, I'm going in for a repeat ultrasound. I have 3 options: natural miscarriage, a D &C, or medication to hasten the miscarriage. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Tomorrow I get my hair done. It should be a nice relaxing event but my BFF just tole me that our hairdresser is pregnant. So it'll be a tough couple of hours tomorrow. Thankfully my BFF and I are going to a movie afterwards. Hopefully that'll preoccupy my mind for a bit.

Sigh...

Saw this on another blog and felt compelled to repost it.  It's a luv thing

Mini-melt down and the WTF appointment

Today is Sweets's birthday.  I love him.  He is my rock, my light, my everything.  I'm so lucky to have him in my life.  

Happy Birthday Sweetie.

  
Part I:  Mini-meltdown

The blow from a BFN with an IVF is 100% worse than all the IUIs combined.  My emotions have been quite raw and I move quickly to sadness.  Today, while teaching, I had a mini-meltdown. 


My English 10 class were being goofs.  I was trying to teach them how to really analyse a poem by modelling how I would analyse one of my favourite poems from W.H. Auden.  Throughout my discussion there were students talking, others texting and others playing with their iTouches.  Numerous times throughout the class I had been asking them to be quiet, pay attention, stop talking, turn around...Enough was enough.  I just flipped out and of course because I'm somewhat fragile, I broke down.  I asked them if they would prefer a teacher who actually wants them to learn how to think or a teacher who just gives them 200 questions to answer.  What did they want from me?  Did they want a teacher who actually teaches or not?  I just walked out and went to the bathroom to calm down.  Soon thereafter the bell ran and I went back upstairs.

Of course when I returned to the class, there were a few students still milling about, wondering what had just happened.  And you know, it's always the students who aren't the problem who apologize.  C came up and said, "Mrs. B.  I'm really sorry."  She wasn't the problem.  On Thursday, I will apologize for my outburst and then remind them that they are here to learn and reiterate my expectations on behaviour.  If they want to simply regurgitate answers, then they need to find another teacher.  I'm not that teacher.  

Thankfully, my principal popped in to see how I was doing.  She's been fully aware of my IF journey and thankfully, she's been incredibly supportive of me.  I explained to her what had just happened.  She understood and actually said, "They probably needed to hear what you had to say.  Don't beat yourself up."     

Part II:  WTF Appointment

Sweets was a little concerned that we would miss the Leadership debate because we had to go into the city for our appointment.  Thank goodness for CBC radio because he got to tune in while we drove home. 

Oddly enough, the appointment I thought would be depressing, was actually somewhat positive.  Dr. C agreed that I responded well with my antagonist protocol.  If there is a "next time," he would like to see me stimulate for one more day.  He said that there were a number of immature eggs and one more day would have been beneficial.  So I take it that from the 22 follicles that were drained, there were more than the 14 retrieved but they were immature?  It appears that it would be logical to add a day to allow for maturity.  Also, he felt positive about the fact that Sweets's guys were able to fertilize the eggs naturally.  Ironically though, the one frozen embryo was actually from ICSI.  Interesting.  

Previously I had mentioned that my mother was concerned about the medication she took while pregnant with me.  Dr. C confirmed that DES was not widely used in Canada.  It was prescribed mainly in the US and Australia.  My mother was most likely prescribed progesterone, as I suspected.  Had she used DES, my IF issues would have taken a totally different direction!

All in all, Dr. C felt that we could move forward next month with FET.  Sweets and I left the appointment feeling somewhat relieved and reassured.  We met with the nurse, and I received the FET protocol and the prescription for my meds.  On to phase two of this messed up IF journey.     

Change is good

Last week, Sweet Cheeks's best friend and business partner pulled the rug out from under him.  He announced that he was going to leave the company and moved back to his hometown in Oil Land.  Sweet Cheeks and A  have been working to build up their company for the past five years and have received a number of accolades - both provincially and nationally.  Unfortunately, while the entertainment industry can bring with it some fame and  rewards, it can also be a Sisyphean task to get to the top.  Sweet Cheeks was on his way to the top and now has been derailed.  Last week, he was a mess.  He lost his company and his best friend in one day.  And though this has been a difficult couple of weeks for the both of us, this crisis has lit a fire under his butt.  I like it.    


Within days, he contacted some large production companies out east and next week he's flying out to meet with them to discuss working with them.  I've always wanted him to be more proactive with this company; the majority of the work lay with his business partner.  Sweet Cheeks got lazy.  His buddy A did everything.  Now, Sweet Cheeks has to find the work himself.  He can no longer be complacent and expect things to come to him; he must seek it out.  Ultimately, his goal is to bring in a huge project and have his best friend move back to the Left Coast to work on it.  For me, I would like the financial stability that regular, consistent work can bring.  


Working with one of these big companies may bring in some consistent work, but sadly the entertainment industry is anything but stable.