Well that was short lived.

Never mind.

Beta came back.

It dropped.

188.  

Let the miscarriage commence. 

Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.

So it's higher than expected but lower than I wished.  

My beta came back at 225.  

I am 5 weeks 4 days according to my calculations. 

With a beta that low, should I be worried about another miscarriage? 

I have some progesterone suppositories left from my last cycle. I would if I should start using them?  Or maybe, for once, just let nature do her thing? 

Ahhh!!!!

Limbo

Today I visited with my GP.  I was supposed to get my tetanus shots but we decided to hold off.  I informed the office that I thought I was pregnant so they asked me to do a pregnancy test with their office so that they would have it in their records.  

Well, their test came back negative!  Negative!  Does everything have to be such a roller coaster ride for me?  I did 3 HPTs and all 3 were positive.  How is this possible? 

 I'm trying not to fret. The doctor felt positive about it.  She did send me off to get my beta tested but still, it's quite disconcerting.  How can the tests be so different? Is this "pregnancy" all in my head? 

 I'm trying to be positive. A few years ago, a friend of mine had positive home tests but at her doctor's office, it was negative.  Her daughter is now 2 years old. So I'm holding on to hope as that's all that I really have at this point.  

I'll be sure to post my blood test results tomorrow.  

Cross your fingers for me. 

Say a little prayer.

Send out positive energy.  

Please. 

Because I'm skeptical by nature...

I went and bought another HPT.  

It too displays two lines.  I *think* I'm about 22dpo.  My cycle is usually 26-28 days and today is CD 36.  I'm so accustomed to calculating everything post transfer so I feel a little out of sorts. 

Could this really be true? 

 

We're actually pregnant? 

I'm going to take another test in the morning.  I hope that the lines darken.  Unlike my previous pregnancy in March, these lines showed up right away.  In March, I actually threw the cheapie HPT away because it looked negative. 

Please let this be the one. 

Please stay snug in there little guy.  With my dad's recent diagnosis, I desperately want us to become parents and to make my mom and dad grandparents.  

Canada Day. Bad news. Good news.

Happy birthday Canada!

It's been difficult to find reasons to be grateful lately.  I have more than my fair share of shit to deal with.  But setting that aside, I am incredibly grateful to live in Canada.  

In 1970, my parents, along with my big brother who was 4 at the time, moved to Canada to build a new life.  While working in a paper mill in Finland, my father saw an ad to come help start up a new paper mill in Canada.  he jumped at the opportunity.  My mother was less than enthusiastic.  When they landed and were driving on the employee bus to town, all my mom saw were trees.  Rows and rows of trees. Mountains.  Rivers. Streams. No people.

Having lived in a very urban area in Finland, my mom was shocked.  She looked at my father and demanded, "What kind of hell have you brought me to?"  The plan was to stay for two years, build up a solid savings, and move back home to Finland.  Two years later, I arrived.  The talks of moving back ended.  Canada gave my parents opportunities that they may not have had in Finland.  My mother stated that they wouldn't have been able to afford a second child if they had remained in Finland.  There would have been no me.  

Happy birthday Canada. Thank you for giving my parents a wonderful opportunity. 

It's been tough since the D&C. I've had to remind myself frequently that life isn't total crap.  Dealing with the miscarriage is tough enough but then at school we lost 3 students in a month.  Two in a drowning and one from a form of juvenile Huttington's.  The school was thrown into emotional chaos.  My school is recognized as inner city, and we have all the issues that inner city schools have.  Those students who were walking a fine line between success and failure suddenly dropped off.  It was difficult to watch my students struggle. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life.  My father has been ill.  He suffers from pancreatitis and has had pain for the past year.  But lately something has changed.  He went for a biopsy on Father's Day. Last week the tests came back. 

Pancreatic cancer.  Fuck. Pancreatic fucking cancer.  I have never heard of any survivors of pancreatic cancer.  All the "celebrities" that I know who have had it die.  Steve Jobs.  Randy Pausch.  Patrick Swayze.  Pavarotti.   Cancer sucks but this type cancer fucking sucks.  Seventy-five percent die in the first year of diagnosis. 

 On the plus side, the growth is small - less that 2cm.  And it hasn't spread anywhere else.  It's just in the pancreas.  My dad will be coming down south for some more tests in a little over a week.  All I can do is be hopeful and optimistic.  I have to be strong for my dad.

Even though it's been a tornado of crap in my life lately, I do have some good news.  Today I took a cheapie HPT and it came back positive!  The line is light so that's a wee bit disconcerting.  So I'll be going to the store and purchasing some more tests just to make sure.  I've read that after a D&C implantation is more likely.  To be honest, I didn't think a natural pregnancy would be possible!  With Sweets's slow swimmers, I didn't think we could actually get pregnant without assistance.  

Of course the fear has already creeped into my mind and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.  According to my calculations, I'm 5 weeks today.  Fortunately I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled for Thursday.  I'll ask for a beta then.  Hopefully the numbers are awesome.   

We all need some good news right now and this is the best news for our family right now.  It's a freaking awesome surprise.  

You've got to be kidding!

Received my second beta today.

Good thing I'm not a Math teacher. I thought doubling time was every 24 hours, but I guess it has to double every 48 hours.

My beta came back at 555.

Wowzers.

I'm pregnant. It was 45 six days ago. The doubling time is 1.7 days. Is that good? Is that on par?

I cant believe I'm freaking pregnant!

Virgin mojitos it is!

I caved and purchased a HPT today from Wa.lm.art.  It was on a whim as I was buying items for my Mexico trip.  

Didn't expect to see this!  Sweets wanted me to wait.  So I didn't tell him that I bought the test.  In fact, I quickly brought the bag upstairs before he could look in my purchases.  After the lines changed, I came downstairs crying.  His automatic instinct was "She got her period."  He didn't expect me to say, "We're pregnant."  

Of course I'm still cautious.  It's only 4 weeks and a lot can happen between now and 8 months.  Heck.  A lot can happen between today and my beta on Thursday.  

This is the first time I've ever, ever seen two freaking lines.  It makes me feel good to know that at least I can get pregnant.  

I can get pregnant.  

I am pregnant. 

 Holy shit.   

Holy Shit!  Do you see it too? 12dp3dt

Everyone but me

If you're reading this, you're probably one of the many people suffering from infertility.  And you've probably lamented how it seems like everyone is pregnant except for you.  Right?  Well, I know how you feel.  I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women. And recently one of my close friends joined their ranks.  

Courtesy of Google Images

K and I are very close in age, only about a week apart.  She moved back to Canada after spending almost a decade working in the States.  Moving back was all about her making a better and a fuller life.  In the time span a year, K has found a new job, moved back to Canada, and entered into a new relationship.  She's a wonderful person who never knew if love would come her way.  Thankfully A came into her life.  They've been together for a year now and she's madly in love.  I'm so happy for her.  


She knows that I've been trying to get pregnant; knows about all our struggles.  Yesterday she invited me over for lunch and she spilled the beans.  "I'm pregnant."  At first I wanted to cry, and then I remembered that this was not about me.  Her being pregnant has nothing to do with my infertility.  She was afraid to tell me.  She was worried I would be upset.  And I was.  I am.  Like many people who suffer with infertility, it just seems like everyone is pregnant but me.  K hardly ever sees her bf because he works out of town 3 weeks at a time.  Sweets and I time our intimate moments and still no dice.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her.  She deserves to be happy.  To be a mother.  I just wish I could join her.  


K is a big believer in "The Secret".  The idea that you have to put out positive energy and it'll come back to you.  She said that she's been visualizing herself pregnant, in the hospital, pushing a stroller.  She insists that I start to do that too.  I don't know.  I tried it, but I'm having trouble seeing it.  Perhaps it's because the optimism has been removed from my heart.  All the pain of the disappointments have scarred me in some way, preventing me from seeing things on the other side.   


I don't know how this will change our relationship. I love K dearly but I don't know if I can constantly listen to the baby talk.  I want to be the good friend but how?  How do you celebrate a friend's "surprise" pregnancy while you're suffering?  Argh...

Mother Nature is a tease *Update*

My period is three days late.  My period is never late.  The latest it's ever been was two days and even then, the flow started to happen the evening of the second day.  Here I am on day three, and still no spotting.  I've been having mild cramping on and off over the past week.  Even with my IVF cycle, even with all the medications I was on, my period arrived on time, 5 days before my beta appointment.  I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been so disappointed in the past.  I honestly don't think I'm pregnant, but of course I hope I am.  My husband has been out of town for the past week for work, and I haven't informed him of AF being MIA.  Not only does he need to focus on his work, but I don't want to get him too excited, only to be disappointed if AF arrives.  Also, I've avoided home pregnancy tests because I don't want to be crushed.  In my odd way of thinking, POAS would mean that I think there's an actual chance that I'm pregnant.  Like I would be jinxing it and then it would never happen. Surely this evening, AF will arrive; I'll allow myself a little cry and mourn the loss of yet another cycle.  But for now, I would like to remain in this moment of possibilities of "if" for a little longer.

If this natural cycle is a bust, I start my FET cycle.  I've got the Estradot and Crinone ready to go.  Here's hoping that I won't be needing them.    

**Update**
Still no AF.  Five days late.  I took two cheapy HPT this morning = BFN.  I've been reading up on it on fertility boards and this appears to be pretty routine.  Most women, after an IVF cycle, are late for their second cycle.  One poster mentioned that AF is typically 7 days to two weeks late.  Ugh!  Tomorrow I will be calling my RE's office to find out what I should be doing.  Do I start the meds?  Do I wait until AF?  I just want to get started with this cycle. 
    

I suck as a friend

I'm a bad friend.  


Fertility jealousy has made me a bad friend.  A friend of mine announced her pregnancy about 2 months ago.  She was only about 2 months along and stated that it was an accidental pregnancy.  I was jealous.  How is it that she was able to get pregnant so easily when I've been struggling?  How is it that she has abused her body over the years and she's pregnant?  Even our mutual friends questioned how this was possible.  Three years ago, she was obese - about 300lbs.  Her legs were failing her, she was finding it difficult to breath and working as a hair stylist was taking its toil on her.  Her legs simply couldn't hold her up for extended periods of time.  Her only companionship was her 7 dogs which lived with her in her tiny trailer home.  She couldn't even take the dogs for a walk - it was too much for her.    


After an agonizing wait for approval, she obtained her gastric bypass.  Her excitement was infectious.  And we all celebrated with her - a new life was beginning.  Her road has been brutal.  Not only has she dealt with complications from hernias but she even died for a few minutes while recovering from her hernia operations.  Shortly after losing over 100lbs, she met someone.  And together, they started partying and having a lot of fun.  It was as if she was living the youth that she never got to experience.  Doing the things that most of us got out of our systems long ago.  At our 20 year grad reunion last July, she was drinking far more than she was eating and had to be carried out at the end of each evening.  Then in November, she announced that she was pregnant and I was so incredibly envious.  I wished her well, and then proceeded to block her on facebook.


Yesterday, I noticed a post from a mutual facebook friend, wishing her well and a speedy recovery.  She was hospitalized due to popped hernia.  Further, a large fibroid had developed in her uterus.  There was some concern that she would lose the baby, but thankfully she hasn't.  


I'm a bad friend.  Here is a girl who has struggled her whole life - her weight, her lack of mobility, her loneliness, her sadness.  For the first time in a very long time, she's happy.  She has a great year with a new love, a new home and a new baby and I am so self centred that I couldn't be happy for her simply because she got pregnant without trying.


I have to change.  This bitterness is not healthy for me nor helpful on the road to pregnancy.  She deserves all the happiness in the world and I have no right to demean, devalue or belittle it.  One day, I too will announce my pregnancy.  


Just not on facebook.