Patching it up

Waiting is the name of the game when it comes to dealing with infertility treatments.  We wait for our periods.  We wait for ovulation.  We wait for our betas.  We wait and wait and wait.  This cycle I had to wait an extra week for my period to arrive.  Thankfully she did arrive yesterday, with full force.  So finally I get to start the next phase of my infertility "journey" (more like a marathon).

Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week.  It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer.  Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again.  Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus.  The patches continue until the beta.  

Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists.  I'm most anxious about my little frostie.  I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing.  I only have one!  We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer.  The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed.  Please, please, please God.  Please let him survive the thaw.  Please.

On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH.  Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work.  My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated.  As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell).  According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia.  Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie.  Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2!  I have a family history of hypothryoid.  My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it.  Joy.  Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well.  I

It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately.  But I will soldier on.  What other choice do I have?         

Mini-melt down and the WTF appointment

Today is Sweets's birthday.  I love him.  He is my rock, my light, my everything.  I'm so lucky to have him in my life.  

Happy Birthday Sweetie.

  
Part I:  Mini-meltdown

The blow from a BFN with an IVF is 100% worse than all the IUIs combined.  My emotions have been quite raw and I move quickly to sadness.  Today, while teaching, I had a mini-meltdown. 


My English 10 class were being goofs.  I was trying to teach them how to really analyse a poem by modelling how I would analyse one of my favourite poems from W.H. Auden.  Throughout my discussion there were students talking, others texting and others playing with their iTouches.  Numerous times throughout the class I had been asking them to be quiet, pay attention, stop talking, turn around...Enough was enough.  I just flipped out and of course because I'm somewhat fragile, I broke down.  I asked them if they would prefer a teacher who actually wants them to learn how to think or a teacher who just gives them 200 questions to answer.  What did they want from me?  Did they want a teacher who actually teaches or not?  I just walked out and went to the bathroom to calm down.  Soon thereafter the bell ran and I went back upstairs.

Of course when I returned to the class, there were a few students still milling about, wondering what had just happened.  And you know, it's always the students who aren't the problem who apologize.  C came up and said, "Mrs. B.  I'm really sorry."  She wasn't the problem.  On Thursday, I will apologize for my outburst and then remind them that they are here to learn and reiterate my expectations on behaviour.  If they want to simply regurgitate answers, then they need to find another teacher.  I'm not that teacher.  

Thankfully, my principal popped in to see how I was doing.  She's been fully aware of my IF journey and thankfully, she's been incredibly supportive of me.  I explained to her what had just happened.  She understood and actually said, "They probably needed to hear what you had to say.  Don't beat yourself up."     

Part II:  WTF Appointment

Sweets was a little concerned that we would miss the Leadership debate because we had to go into the city for our appointment.  Thank goodness for CBC radio because he got to tune in while we drove home. 

Oddly enough, the appointment I thought would be depressing, was actually somewhat positive.  Dr. C agreed that I responded well with my antagonist protocol.  If there is a "next time," he would like to see me stimulate for one more day.  He said that there were a number of immature eggs and one more day would have been beneficial.  So I take it that from the 22 follicles that were drained, there were more than the 14 retrieved but they were immature?  It appears that it would be logical to add a day to allow for maturity.  Also, he felt positive about the fact that Sweets's guys were able to fertilize the eggs naturally.  Ironically though, the one frozen embryo was actually from ICSI.  Interesting.  

Previously I had mentioned that my mother was concerned about the medication she took while pregnant with me.  Dr. C confirmed that DES was not widely used in Canada.  It was prescribed mainly in the US and Australia.  My mother was most likely prescribed progesterone, as I suspected.  Had she used DES, my IF issues would have taken a totally different direction!

All in all, Dr. C felt that we could move forward next month with FET.  Sweets and I left the appointment feeling somewhat relieved and reassured.  We met with the nurse, and I received the FET protocol and the prescription for my meds.  On to phase two of this messed up IF journey.     

The Waiting Game

About 4 years ago, J, one of my BFFs, confided in me that she planned on getting pregnant.  Being the type A personality that she is, she researched everything possible about pregnancy, miscarriages and even planned her pregnancy around the school calendar.  One day during lunch, she stated that SC (sweet cheeks) and I should really consider getting started.  With me being a year older, my fertility was on a downward spiral and the older I get, the higher the likelihood of miscarriages and chromosonal disorders.  I knew this.  She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but while I was ready to be a mother, SC wasn't ready for fatherhood yet.  Fast forward four years, J has two beautiful children; SC and I are still in waiting mode.  


I have spent my life waiting for him to be ready.  SC and I have been together for almost 20 years.  We were engaged for 10.  Granted, we were both being logical and pragmatic about marriage; we both had new careers and little job security.  We didn't want to be financial burdens to one another.  But honestly, if I hadn't stated to him that we're getting married in 2004, I think we would still be engaged.  He was happy with the way things were.  Maintaining the status quo.  After the wedding, I waited for him to be ready to be a father.  There were many tears shed during those years.  I so badly wanted to become a mother.  He seemed to believe that because his mother had had him at 40, that we would conceive quickly and without difficulty.  Finally in 2008, he warmed up to the idea and in 2009, he acknowledged that it was time to try.  He was ready for fatherhood.  Now in retrospect, if we could turn back time, we would have started TTC in 2005.  At least then, we would have had more time to try.  More time.  


Don't get me wrong, while I do harbour some resentment, SC is the love of my life and I cannot imagine my life with anyone else.  He makes my heart sing.  He makes me laugh.  He challenges and inspires me.  He is my world and I am his.  And yes, he's a bit of a paradox.  So spontaneous in some ways, but so cautious in others.              


I wish I could say that 2011 would be the end of waiting.  Unfortunately, it's going to be the year of waiting.  Waiting to see my RE.  Waiting to start my medications.  Waiting for blood work and ultrasounds.  Waiting for retrieval and transfer.  Waiting to see if it worked.  Just one big waiting game.  


Moving into 2011, I acknowledge that this waiting game will be like one I've never played before; however, it is a year full of hope and possibilities.  If it ends with a little one in my arms, then I don't mind waiting.  





With that, I want to wish everyone a very happy new year.  May all of us who are playing this same waiting game, end up victorious in the end.