Unforgettable summer

It's been a very interesting summer.  And not interesting in a good way.

First off, it's been very much a roller coaster regarding my father's health.  My parents were here for more tests to find out how far the cancer had progressed.  It was difficult to see my father, a big, strong man, look so frail.  While they were here, my miscarriage started.  My mom knew but my dad didn't so when the nurse asked my dad if he would be around any pregnant women after his PET scan, he looked and me and shook my head. 

The results from the PET scan were not good. We had originally be told the tumour was small but it's actually 7cm.  It hasn't spread; it's only in the pancreas.  My dad starts a very aggressive chemotherapy regiment next week.  We're all hoping for the best but we know that statistics for pancreatic cancer.  I made a deal with my dad that next July we'll go to Hawaii.  We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary and they can celebrate their 50th.  He seemed to like that idea.

With my dad's condition, I had planned to drive home to visit them.  Unfortunately last week, I fell and broke my ankle.

My husband took me to the ER where we waited for for about 5 hours to see a doctor.  I was ready to go home when finally they called my name.  Our city's ER is busiest in all of our province. I had recommended that we go to a smaller hospital but Sweets, thinking that the new ER was open, insisted.  At first, I didn't believe the doctor when he said it was broken.  I insisted on seeing the X-ray. I was convinced it was just a bad sprain.  But soon enough I was being wheeled upstairs to the orthopaedic surgical ward and into a room.  

After kissing Sweets good night and sending him home, I was given morphine for the pain and fell into a restless sleep.  I discovered quickly that morphine and I do not mix.  I couldn't hold anything down even with the gravol.  Sunday was spent sleeping and trying to make conversation with my BFF and husband. Thankfully on Monday I was slated in for survey first thing in the morning.  I've never had surgery before.  Going under was an interesting experience.  On Tuesday, once I proved that I could use my crutches, I was discharged.  

I had hoped to go back to work by Thursday (summer school) but soon realized that was unlikely.  The pain is just brutal.  And trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in is impossible.  Still, I'm going to get off my butt and go to work on Tuesday.  I asked the principal for a wheelchair for my room and the elevator key.  My BFF will drive me to and from work.  I'm a little nervous because Sweets goes out of town for 5 days for work.  I hope I can take care of myself while he's gone. 

The staples come out next week.  And the following week I have an appointment with the surgeon.  Hopefully I can get one of those air casts so I can start putting weight on my foot.  

It's incredibly annoying to be so dependent but what is most frustrating is that my plan to drive up to see my parents is now ruined.  I really wanted to be there to help out my mom while my dad is going through his therapy. Very frustrating. 

I don't know when I'll be able to start driving again.  

D&C and moving on.

On Thursday I went to Women's Hospital for a D&C. It was emotional. I don't recall the pain but I do recall asking for more medication while in the procedure room. The nurse in the procedure room performed two of my IUIs when I was at that phase in my treatment. She recognized my name. Bummer.

They are sending whatever they collected for testing so I hope I get some answers.

The woman next to me was there for a miscarriage as well. I think she was a recovering addict because she was in real pain but did not want any meds to dull the pain after the procedure. In the end, she did accept some. She was writhing in pain. I could hear her laboured breath.

The day of the procedure I felt quite icky. Quite a bit of bleeding plus the antibiotics they gave me made everything taste like metal. But other than a little spotting and some cramps, everything is fine these past few days.

My RE is leaving our clinic. So another change is on the horizon. We'll be staying at this clinic rather than moving with him. Though he's a great doctor, we haven't become attached to him. Plus we had more interaction with the owner of the clinic. She performed our FET last summer and was the RE for all my ultrasounds, the ER, and ET this cycle. I dreamt last night that we had a new RE. That she was brought from the States to our clinic and was incredibly well respected. Her name was Dr. Willo.ughby. No clue why Willo.ughby but that's the name that was in my dream. We do have a Willo.ughby Heights in our area. Maybe that's why?

This is a strange question but did I miscarry at 6w5days or did I miscarry at 8w5days? We discovered that there was no growth at 6 weeks but the D&C occurred at 8 weeks? Messed up question but I'm curious. I would have been 9w1day today. I know I would have been counting down to the end of my first trimester. The due date would have been the day after my brother's birthday.

Today I start to take care of myself. They weighed me for this procedure and holy f*ck, I've gained a lot of weight. This is far, far from my comfort zone. I think I'm going to take a break on treatments. I was to get healthier because if I do get pregnant at this weight, there will be complications. I think we'll do our last transfer in August. That gives me a few months to lose weight and heal from this loss.

My plan? Go to bed earlier and wake up about 40 mins earlier so that I can walk on my treadmill. When I get home from work, I'm exhausted and exercising is not a priority. As I feel better, I'll probably go back to my walk/run program. I used to run 5 and 10k runs and now I'm a couch potato. I would also like to start yoga. I noticed a new yoga studio is opening just 5 mins from me. I'll check it out and see if they have any grand opening specials. I would like to lose 5 pounds a month which I think is doable. I'll go back to writing down what I eat. When I was on weig.thwatchers years ago, it really worked. It kept me in check. I will not get down on myself. My body has been through a lot these past few years. I could have coped with the disappointment in more healthy ways but that's life. I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

Here comes the rain again

The ultrasound showed no growth.

I expected it and was actually able to enjoy an afternoon out with my husband. We went to our favourite coffee shop. I ordered a delicious americano misto. We went out for sushi at a funky restaurant, shopped for EVOO at the Greek deli, and bought some wine from the specialty liquor store. Even though it was (and still is) pouring rain, it was a comforting. Just what the doctor ordered.

But then I came home and signed onto face.book.

My friend just announced her pregnancy. Ouch! Like a blade to the gut. Sad thing is that she and I started the pregnancy journey at the same time. Well, I started treatments. She started the old fashioned TTC. Her daughter is now 3 and she's expecting a second. I'm really happy for her but man does it hurt! Hurts like ________! (Feel free to fill in the blank.)

Bad News

It's a beautiful day here and I really can't enjoy it.

Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and a fetal pole. Unfortunately it measured a week behind. So I guess the spotting I experienced last week may have signalled the end of this pregnancy? While I never truly allowed my heart to open up to this pregnancy, I still feel gutted. I mean, it was a long shot. First the super heavy bleed that happened. Then the low first beta. To have had it double was a miracle. Even this last 3rd beta fell within the doubling time parameters. It truly would have been a miracle had it continue to progress. I was hoping for a miracle.

Sweets and I haven't really spoken about it. I went upstairs and cried. He remained downstairs. We're both wounded.

Unless bleeding starts between now and Thursday, I'm going in for a repeat ultrasound. I have 3 options: natural miscarriage, a D &C, or medication to hasten the miscarriage. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Tomorrow I get my hair done. It should be a nice relaxing event but my BFF just tole me that our hairdresser is pregnant. So it'll be a tough couple of hours tomorrow. Thankfully my BFF and I are going to a movie afterwards. Hopefully that'll preoccupy my mind for a bit.

And the world keeps on turning

Every time I'm on here, I feel the need to apologize for my lack of blogging.  In all honesty, other than the IF stuff in my life, everything is rather mundane.  I have my routines.  Each morning I wake up at 6:15am.  I shower, get dressed, put on my makeup, feed the cats, make my oatmeal and tea, and drive to work.  And while the classes and lessons differ, it's pretty routine there as well. 
Boring.
Mundane. 
Routine. 
I like it.  It's predictable.  I feel like I can control all those outcomes.  Even in a class of 30 very diverse students, I feel like it's all under control  I tend to have a great relationship with my classes so I worry very little about classroom management.  Even the student whose IEP states "disrespectful to female teachers" works well in my room.  (hope I didn't just jinx that!) 

So it really messes with my mind that the only thing I can't control is the one thing I so desperately want to.  A little bit of chaos at work, keeps me on my toes. But infertility is a tornado that constantly lands in my household without warning.  As soon as I've cleaned up, patched up, or renovated the place, another tornado hits.  Frustrating. 

I shared with my friend B that I had a miscarriage in August.  I haven't spoken with too many people about it.  Why bring them down?  B, you may recall, is due next week - on the 25th.  She's one of my preggo friends that doesn't irritate the heck out of me.  Her BFFS have organized a surprise baby shower for next week. Personally I think it's ridiculous to have a baby shower so close to her due date for a variety of reasons.

1. many first time mothers are late.
2. if the baby is early, mommy needs time to adjust to being a mommy.
3. people want to cuddle the baby.  a really newborn is so freaking new.  don't know how much it'll tolerate "pass the baby" at a shower. 

But, I was ignored.  Apparently that date worked out for everyone else.  Yes.  Let's take our needs into consideration but not the new mommy.  Ugh..whatever.  I'll go along with their freaking reindeer games even though I think they're being illogical.   

Anyway, my "WTF do we do now?" appointment with Dr. N is in early October.  I hope he has some answers.  I hope that we can do IVF 3.0 in November but I'm not sure with the timing and such.  My cycle is still pretty much like clockwork. TMI Alert! I found it odd that when I miscarried, I hardly bleed.  It was like a regular cycle - 2-3 days.  This past cycle was the heaviest cycle I've had in a long time.  I was bleeding for a good 5 days with 2 of them being very heavy.  I guess the uterus really clean up that last time.

On the plus side of things, Sweets just landed a pretty high profile contract.  If all works out, his work will be seen by millions on an Amer.ican television station.  Fingers crossed that this is the break gets him into the Amer.ican fi.lm and tele.vision market.   

Well, I must go back to marking compositions on the Treaty of Versailles and the League of Nations.  I know you're all jealous, aren't you? ;)  With that, I'll leave you with my song du jour. 

   

 

Holiday, hurricane, and hope

I seem to have this horrible habit of hiding after an unsuccessful cycle.  While I know that I should use this space as a place to vent and to express myself, for some reason I choose to hide and repress.  I haven't really thought too much about the chemical pregnancy.  I avoid talking about it.  I don't know if it's my coping mechanism but I don't want to talk about it.  When I do, it's almost like an aside.  I bring it up in a casual "Oh yah, and I had a miscarriage."  How messed up am I?  

I haven't had my WTF appointment with my RE yet.  He's on holidays and doesn't get back until the 10th.  So I have to call then to make my next appointment.  I would like to do my next fresh cycle in November.  I know that this cycle didn't end the way I hoped, but I have to focus on the fact that for the first time ever, I actually got pregnant.  It is possible for me to get pregnant.

I would like to say that my holiday was relaxing and completely enjoyable but it wasn't.  Turns out we were right in the path of Hurricane Ernesto.  In fact, the day the hurricane hit, I started to bleed.  Good times.  I quite enjoy storms - rain storms, thunder storms, wind storms.  So to experience a hurricane was quite interesting.

On the bulletin from the hotel, we were informed that we were to stay in our room from 9pm to 7:30am.  And in the case of the patio door being blown out, we were to put our mattress up against the blown out door and hide in the bathroom.  Great advice except that the wall between our sleeping area and the bathroom had a huge window as well.  It was a fitful night of sleep - the wind and rain thundered down all night.  By the time we woke up, it was still windy, but quite beautiful.  From what I read, there was very little damage done to the surrounding communities and I don't believe that there were any casualties.  Thank goodness.

Beautiful.

Miscarriage and hurricane aside, the rest of the trip consisted of lounging by the pool, drinking copious amounts of alcohol (I think I've had my share of mojitos, lime margaritas, and icebergs - corona w/ lime margarita - for the rest of the year!), swimming with the turtles, and indulging on tasty food.  The resort was beautiful and the service was excellent.  Next time, I must go with my husband.  It was fun but it just didn't feel right without him there.

It hasn't been a relaxing summer.  Normally at this time of year, I feel recharged and ready to teach.  Unfortunately, I don't feel well rested.  I'm exhausted and I hope that doesn't bite me in the butt and I end up burning out this year.