Saturday, February 25, 2012

Fitting in?

The day after I made my appointment with Dr. R. the clinic called to let me know that they could fit me in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's to my benefit or not as he is squeezing me into a 15 min slot.  Can we have a meaningful conversation in such a short time?  I hope so.  On the positive side of things, I'm thankful that I can get started a month sooner in preparation for the next FET.  So rather than waiting until March 26th, I'm getting in almost a month earlier.     


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Speaking of fitting in, another blogger, Michaela, posted an eloquent piece about being an Outsider and how those who have been on this infertility journey for a while become war weary.  Her post spoke to me.  When I found out that we needed help conceiving, I felt alone and as if no one would understand me.  Then I discovered the IF community online.  I found women who knew exactly how I felt.  My need to belong and to be understood was fulfilled.  But as the months passed, as my treatments continued and failed, I became quite jaded.  Still am.  The IF forums no longer fulfilled my need for understanding and belonging.  What changed?  I don't know.  All I know to be true is that infertility has changed me.  My heart has been broken in ways that I never could have imagined.  I've cried more than I ever thought possible.    


Years ago, my mother took me to a psychic fair.  For my 21st birthday, my mother paid for my palm to be read.  After carefully inspecting the lines on my palm, the palm reader predicted that would have three sons.  I recall being so shocked and dismayed.  "I could never have three boys!" I exclaimed to my mother.  Shame on my fertile loins! The prospect of having three boys frightened me and I was adamant that it would never happen.  Little did I know that my words would become reality.  Now, when I think about my fertility, the glass is definitely half empty.  In a few short months, I'll hit the dreaded 40 and we all know what that means for a woman's fertility.  May as well sound the death knell of my ovaries!  Am I being pragmatic or am I putting up a defense against the failure and disappointment?  Perhaps a little of both.     
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4 comments:

  1. MichaelaFebruary 26, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    I had an astrologer tell me I was going to have a lot of kids. Back then I was in my thirties and thought how? Am I going to have a litter? And then I started IVF and was really afraid I would have triplets are something. Funny right! I can't seem to even get one!

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  2. AnonymousFebruary 27, 2012 at 10:09 PM

    I turned 35 on Sunday then the red bitch turned up Monday. I feel I don't fit in because I suffer SIF, and the fact that IVF and AC are not an option for us. This is my last cycle before I crack the 3yr mark.

    If you find a club for mid 30's wino's long time ttc, tell me!

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  3. Dragon's BlossomFebruary 28, 2012 at 7:43 AM

    I got my palm read right before I got married to my ex husband. She said I was going to have 3 kids...so needless to say I don't believe in psychics anymore!I wish you the best of luck!

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  4. Suzy PMarch 2, 2012 at 9:29 PM

    You are probably going to think I'm crazy for all of the word vomit coming but 1) like you, I'm about to go into round 2 IVF with FET. Also, like you, I feel the exact same way about the IF forums. I had spent most of my TTC journey reading these blogs yet just stopped last Fall and am just now getting back to reading. I can't describe why I've lost interest though. Finally, when I was 18 and just graduating from high school, my friends and I all went to a psychic. All of my friends were told of nothing but successful careers and the dumb lady told me I would drop out of college and end up with 6 kids. Funny, I was so mad at her for that. Needless to say, all those friends have more kids than I can count and here I am ... with an amazing career and no babies. Figures. Anyway, best of luck to you!

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