All Clear!

Last week I had an appointment for a hysteroscopy.  Of course the only day that I have to commute into the city during Christmas break and there is a multiple vehicle accident on the bridge.  Thankfully the other routes were clear and problem free and I made it to the clinic in record time.  

To make a short story shorter, the RE checked out my uterus for any issues and saw none.  The only thing that he said that was a little out of the ordinary was that one of my tubes was deeper set than the other.  But in the grand scheme of things, that's not a problem.  So once again, there appears to be nothing wrong. 

I'm really tired of doctor's telling me that everything looks good.  If everything is good, then why haven't we gotten pregnant? 

As I mentioned before, I'm at a new clinic.  Let me clarify.  This is the same clinic as my last FET but a different clinic from my last two IVF cycles.  This is a private clinic while the other one was public.  Already I'm noticing the difference in technology.  While I really like my last clinic, this private one definitely provides a lot more bang for your buck.  When I had a hysterosonogram at the old clinic, the imagery was fuzzy and difficult to view.  For the hysteroscopy, it was a very clear colour image.  I think I need to make it clear, when I say public, it's simply a public facility.  We were still obligated to cover all the expenses of the treatment; no government subsidies.  Only one province in Canada covers the costs of IVF and that's Quebec.  I believe they'll cover 3 treatments but you can only transfer a single embryo.  It would be awesome if our province did the same but alas, they won't. 

Did I mention that I have a coworker whose daughter is at the same clinic with the same doctor?  She's done one fresh cycle and one FET.  Both times she got pregnant but the pregnancy didn't progress.  She and her husband are quite young but they both have some major issues.  Her AMH is quite poor and he has a low sperm count with poor motility.  From what her mother said, she'll be cycling about the same time as me.  Fingers crossed for both of us!

BTW:  I have some Endometrin left over from my August FET.  I was hoping to use it for this cycle but the best before date is 01/13.  So if you're interested, just let me know.  

    

  

New Year. New Clinic. Old Doubts.

When I was little, I thought that in the year 2013 we would all be in flying cars or using teleportation to travel the world.  While we're still far away from flying cars and such, it doesn't seem like it's so far away.  Everything in Sta.r Tr.ek seems like a possibility.  Hopefully women in 2033 won't struggle with pregnancy as so many women do today.  Hopefully there will a be a sure fire way to make sure that only those who choose not to have children will be childless.  

This month I start my final attempt at IVF.  Sweets and I always stated that we would give it three attempts and this is our last one.  We had our meeting with the nurse at the clinic last month to go over all the schedule, the medications, and the paperwork.  For some reason, though I've done this before, it all seems more convoluted and is causing more anxiety than before.  There is more medication to be taken and the costs are so much more than the public clinic I went to before.  I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a hysteroscopy.  At that time, I can ask for more clarification on my schedule and the blood tests I need before we get started.   

Even though I'm confused, this is what I do know:

• When we had an ultrasound on Dec 17th, they found 8-9 follicles.  Not a lot but average for a 40 years apparently.  I was at the end of my cycle.  Does that make a difference?   
• In January, I'll begin using estrace.
• In mid-Feb, I begin menopur (never used it before) and puregon.  
• Though I was a high responder at my old clinic, for some reason they feel that I'll need a lot of meds now?  I'm a little confused about this part.  I guess they're assuming with my age, I'll need high doses of medication.  Can so much change in a couple of years?  How do I go from moderate doses to high doses?  Perhaps they're just playing it by ear until they see how I respond. 
• First week of March is the estimated time for retrieval .   

I know it's been a while since I've posted or even read up on the blogs.  Like many, when I'm not in the midst of treatments, I don't want to think about infertility.  It's too painful.  I've tried to just live my life these past few months.  And in that time, 4 of my high school classmates have given birth - they're all the same age as me.  Three boys and one girl.  I've got to believe that this will happen for us.  That Sweets and I will be parents one day.  There is so much anxiety around this one because it is the last attempt.  If this doesn't work, then Sweets and I will have to make peace with the fact that we'll never be parents.  I pretend to be okay with it but I'm not.   

I noticed that some bloggers may have left.  Does anyone know if Evelyn is still around?  I tried to find her blog, but couldn't. 

Happy New Year everyone.  

On the plus side, our house got the vasilopita coin.  Good luck? 

Excellent On Paper

It's been a busy week and finally I can breathe a sigh of relief.  The toast to the grads went really well.  I really hate public speaking but I was willing to suck it up for these students.  I did mention the students who had created the care package for me and thanked them for that.  My goal was to be vague about the circumstances surrounding it.  Rather than saying that I suffered from a failed IVF cycle, I stated that I was going through one of the darkest moments in my life and that their kind gesture will stay with me forever.  After the speech, the girls ran up to me with tears in their eyes and we shared a massive group hug.  One of their mothers, who is also a nurse, came up to me and thanked me.  I divulged to her the circumstances of my sadness and said to her, "You have no clue how much that small gesture from your daughter meant to me."  Such a wonderful group of kids.  I'm going to miss them.  I love teaching.  

Seriously, what a view!

I received an early morning phone call on Thursday.  Our new doctor, Dr. N.  wanted to know if we could come in earlier for our appointment.  Sweets is a night owl so I was a little concerned that he wouldn't be up in time.  Thankfully that wasn't an issue and we got to all of our appointments on time.  And wow, what a difference in real estate when you're going from a public clinic, an old wing in a hospital with tiny windowless offices, to a private clinic, prime downtown real estate with amazing views of the city and mountains.  Dr. N. was great.  Very genial and on the ball.  I've been concerned with my thyroid levels for a while but the REs at the other clinic didn't seem to think it was a problem.  Dr. N.  immediately flagged it in my chart.  My TSH level was 3.7 last time (it's been as high as 5.2) and ideally it should be no higher than 2.5  So could this be my problem?  Hypothyroidism runs rampant in my family - my father, mother, aunts, grandparents...  And now finally someone is listening to me.  

Dr. N.  looked at my last cycle and stated that everything looked "excellent on paper."  Great that it all looks good on paper, but will I get pregnant?  According to Dr. N., he feels that I'll get pregnant.  But that's what my origin RE said too.  And here I am 2 IVFs, 2 FETs, and 9 embryos later.  Still no baby.  

But I'm hopeful.  Apparently Dr. N was recruited from a clinic from the States.  And from all the comments I read about him online.  Past patients state that he's kind, compassionate, attentive.  But I just want to know, will he make me a mother?  

We'll be doing an endometrial biopsy on the 22nd and either that day or the next week, I'll pick up my embryos from the other clinic and ship them over to the new clinic.  Right now, it looks like we're going to be transferring the last two embryos in early July.  My BFF suggested I wait until after our girls' 40th birthday trip to Mexico for the transfer but looking at my cycle, that would put off the transfer until September and I'm not prepared to wait that long.  I've waited long enough and she doesn't understand that.   She doesn't want kids.  Never has.  So while she's there to support me that comment of "Wait until after Mexico" shows me that she really has no bloody clue how painful this process is.   Just goes to show that even those who support you really are ignorant to how much trauma infertility can cause.

With that said, I feel cautiously optimistic.  Dr. N. has put got me thinking "maybe one day" rather than the "never" I've been feeling.  And I would like to be really positive and know that it'll all work out, but I know what pain can be waiting for me if things don't.  

Hope Springs Eternal

True be told, I've had a bit of a sh*tty day.  Our provincial government has decided to legislate a contract on teachers which essentially strips any class size legislation, autonomy regarding professional development, seniority....and more.  So crappy.  On days like this, I honestly question why I'm a teacher.  But that's not what this post is about.  On to better news.  

Image courtesy of Google Images.

I had my quicky appointment with Dr. R today.  While I appreciated Dr. C., Dr. R. was a breath of fresh air.  He looked over my file and essentially came up with a plan of attack.  There are four things we're going to do differently for my FET.  First off, I have to get my thyroid checked.  It's been checked in the past but since I have a family history of hypothyroidism in my family plus after my first IVF cycle, my thyroid levels were out of whack.  Second, I have to get a sonohysterogram at some point this week.  Third, he wants to perform a full uterine biopsy or as he said it "a four corner scrape".  Dr. C. did one but he didn't do the full biopsy.  When Dr. C did it, it hurt like a son-of-a-gun and that was only a partial scrape.  What's this one going to feel like?  Ouch!  Lastly, the day of the transfer, I will be given an injection which will prevent my uterus from contracting.  He reassured me that the fact that I only have a day of flow isn't an issue.  Apparently, the more important factor is the length of my cycle.  When that changes, then there are complicates.  Thankfully, I'm still like clockwork when it comes to AF.  I also mentioned that I'm concerned about my age.  He rebutted with "You're not old.  You're a project."  Normally, I wouldn't take it too kindly to be called "a project" but when he said those words, I almost burst into tears in his office.  Like many who have been on this horrible, depressing path, I've been feeling pretty hopeless about TTC.  This meeting with Dr. R has given me hope.  I haven't had that in a while.