Kindness of others

It's been 20 days since I have surgery to correct my ankle.  It's been a tough 20 days.  Infertility is depressing. Throw being utterly dependent on the kindness of family and friends on top of that and it's a recipe for the blues.  

I took the week off of work and returned to teaching for the last week of summer school classes. It was tough. Not only did I have to deal with the physical environment but at the end of each day my ankle was swollen and achy. After a quick bite to eat, I slept for an hour or two.  It was exhausting.  

To add to the stress, Sweets had to go out of town for a week for work.  He offered to cancel the contract but I refused.  He needed to re-establish his relationship with this client and bowing out last minute wasn't feasible. With Sweets gone all week, I had to find another way to get to work.  My BFF was amazing; she drove me to and from work each day.  

I honestly can't thank her enough.  She constantly checks in on me and invites me out.  We went to see a film the other day.  It was nice to be out and about but a little stressful as I didn't know if I could manage to manoeuvre with my crutches amongst the crowds.  

Not only has my childhood BFF been awesome but my other BFF J has also been amazing.  She's visited a couple of times and she even took my car into the shop to get repaired and prepped for a road trip (more on the road trip later).  She spent 2 hours at the shop waiting for it.  

Even my neighbours have been helping me out! They've shared their meals with me, brought me beautiful flowers, and have even taken my recycling out.  

 I am truly overwhelmed by their generosity.  

Sweets came home for about a day and then had to leave again to attend his BFF's wedding in another province.  Again he wanted to cancel to stay home with me but I insisted he go; it's his best friend.  He's in the wedding party.  He hasn't seen his friend in 2 years. He needed this opportunity to reconnect with his best friend. 

During his one day stay at home we went to a walk-in medical clinic and had the staples removed.  Ouch! My orthopaedic surgeon's office is closed this week so I don't see him until the 21st.  That's when I'll get my cast. I only have the temporary surgical splint right now.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to get an ai.rca.st boot so that I can take it off for showering.   

As for the road trip, my family from Europe is coming. My aunt and my cousin arrive on the 20th.  Then after my appointment with the  OS on the 21st, we make the 18 hour trip north to visit my parents. Though I can't drive, my cousin can.  My dad will be starting his second round of chemo the day we arrive. I'm a little nervous about seeing my dad.  He's been in excellent spirits so that's good.  We keep stating to ourselves that though only 5% make it to year 5, he could be one of the 5%.  He'll make it. 

On the fertility front, things have been quiet.  Having a broken ankle kind of puts a damper on any romantic inclinations.  And since I can't drive, a trip to the RE to discuss our next cycle is impossible. I'm hoping to be walking and driving by early Sept. I'll make the appointment to see her then. 

Sorry for the long post.  I really should update my blog more often.  Right now it's just a whole lot of sitting, watching Ne.tflix, and reading.  I'll update things when I go home for the visit. 

Take care my friends. 

Unforgettable summer

It's been a very interesting summer.  And not interesting in a good way.

First off, it's been very much a roller coaster regarding my father's health.  My parents were here for more tests to find out how far the cancer had progressed.  It was difficult to see my father, a big, strong man, look so frail.  While they were here, my miscarriage started.  My mom knew but my dad didn't so when the nurse asked my dad if he would be around any pregnant women after his PET scan, he looked and me and shook my head. 

The results from the PET scan were not good. We had originally be told the tumour was small but it's actually 7cm.  It hasn't spread; it's only in the pancreas.  My dad starts a very aggressive chemotherapy regiment next week.  We're all hoping for the best but we know that statistics for pancreatic cancer.  I made a deal with my dad that next July we'll go to Hawaii.  We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary and they can celebrate their 50th.  He seemed to like that idea.

With my dad's condition, I had planned to drive home to visit them.  Unfortunately last week, I fell and broke my ankle.

My husband took me to the ER where we waited for for about 5 hours to see a doctor.  I was ready to go home when finally they called my name.  Our city's ER is busiest in all of our province. I had recommended that we go to a smaller hospital but Sweets, thinking that the new ER was open, insisted.  At first, I didn't believe the doctor when he said it was broken.  I insisted on seeing the X-ray. I was convinced it was just a bad sprain.  But soon enough I was being wheeled upstairs to the orthopaedic surgical ward and into a room.  

After kissing Sweets good night and sending him home, I was given morphine for the pain and fell into a restless sleep.  I discovered quickly that morphine and I do not mix.  I couldn't hold anything down even with the gravol.  Sunday was spent sleeping and trying to make conversation with my BFF and husband. Thankfully on Monday I was slated in for survey first thing in the morning.  I've never had surgery before.  Going under was an interesting experience.  On Tuesday, once I proved that I could use my crutches, I was discharged.  

I had hoped to go back to work by Thursday (summer school) but soon realized that was unlikely.  The pain is just brutal.  And trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in is impossible.  Still, I'm going to get off my butt and go to work on Tuesday.  I asked the principal for a wheelchair for my room and the elevator key.  My BFF will drive me to and from work.  I'm a little nervous because Sweets goes out of town for 5 days for work.  I hope I can take care of myself while he's gone. 

The staples come out next week.  And the following week I have an appointment with the surgeon.  Hopefully I can get one of those air casts so I can start putting weight on my foot.  

It's incredibly annoying to be so dependent but what is most frustrating is that my plan to drive up to see my parents is now ruined.  I really wanted to be there to help out my mom while my dad is going through his therapy. Very frustrating. 

I don't know when I'll be able to start driving again.  

Weekend Blood Work and Family Time

This morning I woke up early to get myself to the lab for my second beta.  

I've been waiting all day for the results but unfortunately, while the lab may draw blood on weekends, it doesn't appear like they test the sample or provide results.  I've been checking the website periodically throughout the day and nothing. 

Argh.

So looks like I have to wait until Monday.  And since I'm teaching summer school right now, I won't check the site until I've finished for the day.  I don't want potentially heartbreaking news to throw me off for the day.  Who wants to be an emotional mess in front of a bunch of 15/16 year olds? 

My parents arrive on Monday as well.  Due to a cancellation, my father was able to get in to see the surgeon Tuesday morning. Like most people, I did a quick google search of the doctor.  I was pleased to discover the surgeon is one of the country's leading surgeons in the field of pancreatic cancer.  On Thursday, my dad has a PET scan.  On the cancer agency website, it cautions pregnant women to stay away from anyone who has had the scan.  My GP looked into it and she said what it means is that I can't sit next to him. So sadly I won't be driving my dad to his appointment. The radiation fades after 24 hours so I won't have to distance myself from him for too long.  

Here's hoping that next week brings good news all around! 

Because I'm skeptical by nature...

I went and bought another HPT.  

It too displays two lines.  I *think* I'm about 22dpo.  My cycle is usually 26-28 days and today is CD 36.  I'm so accustomed to calculating everything post transfer so I feel a little out of sorts. 

Could this really be true? 

 

We're actually pregnant? 

I'm going to take another test in the morning.  I hope that the lines darken.  Unlike my previous pregnancy in March, these lines showed up right away.  In March, I actually threw the cheapie HPT away because it looked negative. 

Please let this be the one. 

Please stay snug in there little guy.  With my dad's recent diagnosis, I desperately want us to become parents and to make my mom and dad grandparents.  

Canada Day. Bad news. Good news.

Happy birthday Canada!

It's been difficult to find reasons to be grateful lately.  I have more than my fair share of shit to deal with.  But setting that aside, I am incredibly grateful to live in Canada.  

In 1970, my parents, along with my big brother who was 4 at the time, moved to Canada to build a new life.  While working in a paper mill in Finland, my father saw an ad to come help start up a new paper mill in Canada.  he jumped at the opportunity.  My mother was less than enthusiastic.  When they landed and were driving on the employee bus to town, all my mom saw were trees.  Rows and rows of trees. Mountains.  Rivers. Streams. No people.

Having lived in a very urban area in Finland, my mom was shocked.  She looked at my father and demanded, "What kind of hell have you brought me to?"  The plan was to stay for two years, build up a solid savings, and move back home to Finland.  Two years later, I arrived.  The talks of moving back ended.  Canada gave my parents opportunities that they may not have had in Finland.  My mother stated that they wouldn't have been able to afford a second child if they had remained in Finland.  There would have been no me.  

Happy birthday Canada. Thank you for giving my parents a wonderful opportunity. 

It's been tough since the D&C. I've had to remind myself frequently that life isn't total crap.  Dealing with the miscarriage is tough enough but then at school we lost 3 students in a month.  Two in a drowning and one from a form of juvenile Huttington's.  The school was thrown into emotional chaos.  My school is recognized as inner city, and we have all the issues that inner city schools have.  Those students who were walking a fine line between success and failure suddenly dropped off.  It was difficult to watch my students struggle. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life.  My father has been ill.  He suffers from pancreatitis and has had pain for the past year.  But lately something has changed.  He went for a biopsy on Father's Day. Last week the tests came back. 

Pancreatic cancer.  Fuck. Pancreatic fucking cancer.  I have never heard of any survivors of pancreatic cancer.  All the "celebrities" that I know who have had it die.  Steve Jobs.  Randy Pausch.  Patrick Swayze.  Pavarotti.   Cancer sucks but this type cancer fucking sucks.  Seventy-five percent die in the first year of diagnosis. 

 On the plus side, the growth is small - less that 2cm.  And it hasn't spread anywhere else.  It's just in the pancreas.  My dad will be coming down south for some more tests in a little over a week.  All I can do is be hopeful and optimistic.  I have to be strong for my dad.

Even though it's been a tornado of crap in my life lately, I do have some good news.  Today I took a cheapie HPT and it came back positive!  The line is light so that's a wee bit disconcerting.  So I'll be going to the store and purchasing some more tests just to make sure.  I've read that after a D&C implantation is more likely.  To be honest, I didn't think a natural pregnancy would be possible!  With Sweets's slow swimmers, I didn't think we could actually get pregnant without assistance.  

Of course the fear has already creeped into my mind and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.  According to my calculations, I'm 5 weeks today.  Fortunately I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled for Thursday.  I'll ask for a beta then.  Hopefully the numbers are awesome.   

We all need some good news right now and this is the best news for our family right now.  It's a freaking awesome surprise.