New Year. New Clinic. Old Doubts.

When I was little, I thought that in the year 2013 we would all be in flying cars or using teleportation to travel the world.  While we're still far away from flying cars and such, it doesn't seem like it's so far away.  Everything in Sta.r Tr.ek seems like a possibility.  Hopefully women in 2033 won't struggle with pregnancy as so many women do today.  Hopefully there will a be a sure fire way to make sure that only those who choose not to have children will be childless.  

This month I start my final attempt at IVF.  Sweets and I always stated that we would give it three attempts and this is our last one.  We had our meeting with the nurse at the clinic last month to go over all the schedule, the medications, and the paperwork.  For some reason, though I've done this before, it all seems more convoluted and is causing more anxiety than before.  There is more medication to be taken and the costs are so much more than the public clinic I went to before.  I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a hysteroscopy.  At that time, I can ask for more clarification on my schedule and the blood tests I need before we get started.   

Even though I'm confused, this is what I do know:

• When we had an ultrasound on Dec 17th, they found 8-9 follicles.  Not a lot but average for a 40 years apparently.  I was at the end of my cycle.  Does that make a difference?   
• In January, I'll begin using estrace.
• In mid-Feb, I begin menopur (never used it before) and puregon.  
• Though I was a high responder at my old clinic, for some reason they feel that I'll need a lot of meds now?  I'm a little confused about this part.  I guess they're assuming with my age, I'll need high doses of medication.  Can so much change in a couple of years?  How do I go from moderate doses to high doses?  Perhaps they're just playing it by ear until they see how I respond. 
• First week of March is the estimated time for retrieval .   

I know it's been a while since I've posted or even read up on the blogs.  Like many, when I'm not in the midst of treatments, I don't want to think about infertility.  It's too painful.  I've tried to just live my life these past few months.  And in that time, 4 of my high school classmates have given birth - they're all the same age as me.  Three boys and one girl.  I've got to believe that this will happen for us.  That Sweets and I will be parents one day.  There is so much anxiety around this one because it is the last attempt.  If this doesn't work, then Sweets and I will have to make peace with the fact that we'll never be parents.  I pretend to be okay with it but I'm not.   

I noticed that some bloggers may have left.  Does anyone know if Evelyn is still around?  I tried to find her blog, but couldn't. 

Happy New Year everyone.  

On the plus side, our house got the vasilopita coin.  Good luck? 

01-01-11 Vasilopita in the House

It's a Greek tradition that on the first day of the new year, the family eats vasilopita.  Essentially, it's a sweet bread, kind of like brioche.  Hidden within the bread is a coin wrapped in foil which symbolizes good fortune for the year.  After blessing the house, my FIL cuts and doles the bread out.  Not do the 8 of us receive a piece of vasilopita, but Jesus and the house receive a piece of bread as well. In the 15 years that I've been part of this tradition, I think I've received the coin once.  In that same time, my husband has never received the coin.  We have a feeling that the baker, my beloved and eccentric MIL, rigs it so that our niece or nephew get the coin, and then ultimately, the good fortune for the year.  
More than ever before, I want this coin.  I need this coin.  We need all the luck and good fortune we can get this year.  


UPDATE:  Neither my husband nor I got the lucky coin this year.   It went to Mary, so back to the church.  Is it wrong of me to be jealous of the Virgin Mary? 

The Waiting Game

About 4 years ago, J, one of my BFFs, confided in me that she planned on getting pregnant.  Being the type A personality that she is, she researched everything possible about pregnancy, miscarriages and even planned her pregnancy around the school calendar.  One day during lunch, she stated that SC (sweet cheeks) and I should really consider getting started.  With me being a year older, my fertility was on a downward spiral and the older I get, the higher the likelihood of miscarriages and chromosonal disorders.  I knew this.  She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but while I was ready to be a mother, SC wasn't ready for fatherhood yet.  Fast forward four years, J has two beautiful children; SC and I are still in waiting mode.  


I have spent my life waiting for him to be ready.  SC and I have been together for almost 20 years.  We were engaged for 10.  Granted, we were both being logical and pragmatic about marriage; we both had new careers and little job security.  We didn't want to be financial burdens to one another.  But honestly, if I hadn't stated to him that we're getting married in 2004, I think we would still be engaged.  He was happy with the way things were.  Maintaining the status quo.  After the wedding, I waited for him to be ready to be a father.  There were many tears shed during those years.  I so badly wanted to become a mother.  He seemed to believe that because his mother had had him at 40, that we would conceive quickly and without difficulty.  Finally in 2008, he warmed up to the idea and in 2009, he acknowledged that it was time to try.  He was ready for fatherhood.  Now in retrospect, if we could turn back time, we would have started TTC in 2005.  At least then, we would have had more time to try.  More time.  


Don't get me wrong, while I do harbour some resentment, SC is the love of my life and I cannot imagine my life with anyone else.  He makes my heart sing.  He makes me laugh.  He challenges and inspires me.  He is my world and I am his.  And yes, he's a bit of a paradox.  So spontaneous in some ways, but so cautious in others.              


I wish I could say that 2011 would be the end of waiting.  Unfortunately, it's going to be the year of waiting.  Waiting to see my RE.  Waiting to start my medications.  Waiting for blood work and ultrasounds.  Waiting for retrieval and transfer.  Waiting to see if it worked.  Just one big waiting game.  


Moving into 2011, I acknowledge that this waiting game will be like one I've never played before; however, it is a year full of hope and possibilities.  If it ends with a little one in my arms, then I don't mind waiting.  





With that, I want to wish everyone a very happy new year.  May all of us who are playing this same waiting game, end up victorious in the end.