Three more days. Three more days and then I'm finished with this semester's classes.
It's been a chaotic five months. I never seemed to find my footing or my stride. I've felt like I've been stumbling through my classes. I feel guilty. I haven't been the teacher I know I can be. I know I'm better than this. I've been forgetful, terse, and sullen. This is not me.
I love teaching, yet, I have not enjoyed myself as I have in past years. I've failed to connect with my English 10 class. My Socials 11 class frustrates me with their apathy and immaturity. And my History 12, which in the past was my reason for waking up and going to work in the morning, has been hijacked by a group of boys who really would rather text on their phones or watch Youtube clips than discuss the Civil Rights movement.
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| Stalin and Hitler - the Nazi-Soviet Pact lives! |
Don't get me wrong. Each class has some redeeming qualities. For instance, there are some amazing people in my History 12 class. One student actually made me Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini finger puppets. How thoughtful is that? I cannot wait to see what fabulous adults they'll become. They could have taught themselves. And in a way, they have as I've felt "off" for the past 5 months.
I'm sure it has something to do with all this infertility nonsense. Rather than marking papers or creating new lessons, researching medications, treatments, techniques and clinics preoccupy my time. I've been obsessively reading IF blogs. On top of that, at least once a month I've been missing in action for my IUIs. And when yet another 2ww ends in disappointment, it's difficult to not let it affect me in class. When my first IUI was a bust, I burst into tears just as my Socials class walked in. It didn't help that my coworker had just announced her pregnancy to the whole staff that day. She married in July and was pregnant by Sept. There's a reason why I avoid the staff room at lunch nowadays.
Things will only get worse. Soon we'll be starting our IVF treatment. I'm sure a new level of insanity will ensue.
But for now, I have three more days left with these guys. Three more days of marking, planning and reviewing. I've never felt so exhausted - emotionally and physically. Sadly, I'm too tired to sleep.
