I'm a bad friend.
Fertility jealousy has made me a bad friend. A friend of mine announced her pregnancy about 2 months ago. She was only about 2 months along and stated that it was an accidental pregnancy. I was jealous. How is it that she was able to get pregnant so easily when I've been struggling? How is it that she has abused her body over the years and she's pregnant? Even our mutual friends questioned how this was possible. Three years ago, she was obese - about 300lbs. Her legs were failing her, she was finding it difficult to breath and working as a hair stylist was taking its toil on her. Her legs simply couldn't hold her up for extended periods of time. Her only companionship was her 7 dogs which lived with her in her tiny trailer home. She couldn't even take the dogs for a walk - it was too much for her.
After an agonizing wait for approval, she obtained her gastric bypass. Her excitement was infectious. And we all celebrated with her - a new life was beginning. Her road has been brutal. Not only has she dealt with complications from hernias but she even died for a few minutes while recovering from her hernia operations. Shortly after losing over 100lbs, she met someone. And together, they started partying and having a lot of fun. It was as if she was living the youth that she never got to experience. Doing the things that most of us got out of our systems long ago. At our 20 year grad reunion last July, she was drinking far more than she was eating and had to be carried out at the end of each evening. Then in November, she announced that she was pregnant and I was so incredibly envious. I wished her well, and then proceeded to block her on facebook.
Yesterday, I noticed a post from a mutual facebook friend, wishing her well and a speedy recovery. She was hospitalized due to popped hernia. Further, a large fibroid had developed in her uterus. There was some concern that she would lose the baby, but thankfully she hasn't.
I'm a bad friend. Here is a girl who has struggled her whole life - her weight, her lack of mobility, her loneliness, her sadness. For the first time in a very long time, she's happy. She has a great year with a new love, a new home and a new baby and I am so self centred that I couldn't be happy for her simply because she got pregnant without trying.
I have to change. This bitterness is not healthy for me nor helpful on the road to pregnancy. She deserves all the happiness in the world and I have no right to demean, devalue or belittle it. One day, I too will announce my pregnancy.
Just not on facebook.
I'll try to keep up with your blog. :) Here is the comment I wanted to post:
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that you are not alone in those feelings, during the last 4 years, I struggled a lot with being truly happy for a friends who became pregnant just by looking at their husbands, and I am still not 100% there. I hope that you will find strength to do what you feel is right for you (even if it means that you have to avoid a couple of friends while you deal with your issues). Good luck!