Coping with a baby shower?

Last summer, my good childhood friend B, told me that her wife was desperate to have a child of her own.  B was unsure.  They had just gotten married in May and B wasn't willing to share S with a child.  Not yet.  Flash forward a few months later and I received THE email.  An announcement that they were expecting.  I felt gutted.  Utterly gutted.  In all honesty, I didn't expect it to come so easily for S.  She's two years older than me, they were using donor sperm of a family friend and doing the insemination at home with....I'm not sure.  It was not going to be a clinical IUI.  It was a home based IUI.  Come on, was I wrong to think that we would conceive before the older lesbian couple?

Now here we are, Sweets and I are about to transfer our embabies tomorrow and B's baby shower on the horizon.  At that time, I'll be on the tale end of my 2ww and won't know if the embryos implanted or not.  Truthfully, I've been refraining from RSVPing to the e-vite I received last week.  I just don't know if I can handle it.  I know I should go.  I need to show my support for B.  I just don't know how I'll deal with all the "oohhs" and "awwws" with each baby gift knowing that I may never get there.  Frankly I wish "Miss Pessimism" would shut her pie hole, put on her big girl pants and just go to the fecking shower.  But I do worry.  How will I react?  Will I be okay?  Will I be present enough to share in their joy? 

So here's the question my dear bloggeristas, how do you cope with a baby shower while dealing with infertility?  Your words of wisdom are greatly appreciated and earnestly needed.    

I suck as a friend

I'm a bad friend.  


Fertility jealousy has made me a bad friend.  A friend of mine announced her pregnancy about 2 months ago.  She was only about 2 months along and stated that it was an accidental pregnancy.  I was jealous.  How is it that she was able to get pregnant so easily when I've been struggling?  How is it that she has abused her body over the years and she's pregnant?  Even our mutual friends questioned how this was possible.  Three years ago, she was obese - about 300lbs.  Her legs were failing her, she was finding it difficult to breath and working as a hair stylist was taking its toil on her.  Her legs simply couldn't hold her up for extended periods of time.  Her only companionship was her 7 dogs which lived with her in her tiny trailer home.  She couldn't even take the dogs for a walk - it was too much for her.    


After an agonizing wait for approval, she obtained her gastric bypass.  Her excitement was infectious.  And we all celebrated with her - a new life was beginning.  Her road has been brutal.  Not only has she dealt with complications from hernias but she even died for a few minutes while recovering from her hernia operations.  Shortly after losing over 100lbs, she met someone.  And together, they started partying and having a lot of fun.  It was as if she was living the youth that she never got to experience.  Doing the things that most of us got out of our systems long ago.  At our 20 year grad reunion last July, she was drinking far more than she was eating and had to be carried out at the end of each evening.  Then in November, she announced that she was pregnant and I was so incredibly envious.  I wished her well, and then proceeded to block her on facebook.


Yesterday, I noticed a post from a mutual facebook friend, wishing her well and a speedy recovery.  She was hospitalized due to popped hernia.  Further, a large fibroid had developed in her uterus.  There was some concern that she would lose the baby, but thankfully she hasn't.  


I'm a bad friend.  Here is a girl who has struggled her whole life - her weight, her lack of mobility, her loneliness, her sadness.  For the first time in a very long time, she's happy.  She has a great year with a new love, a new home and a new baby and I am so self centred that I couldn't be happy for her simply because she got pregnant without trying.


I have to change.  This bitterness is not healthy for me nor helpful on the road to pregnancy.  She deserves all the happiness in the world and I have no right to demean, devalue or belittle it.  One day, I too will announce my pregnancy.  


Just not on facebook.