Hope Springs Eternal

True be told, I've had a bit of a sh*tty day.  Our provincial government has decided to legislate a contract on teachers which essentially strips any class size legislation, autonomy regarding professional development, seniority....and more.  So crappy.  On days like this, I honestly question why I'm a teacher.  But that's not what this post is about.  On to better news.  

Image courtesy of Google Images.

I had my quicky appointment with Dr. R today.  While I appreciated Dr. C., Dr. R. was a breath of fresh air.  He looked over my file and essentially came up with a plan of attack.  There are four things we're going to do differently for my FET.  First off, I have to get my thyroid checked.  It's been checked in the past but since I have a family history of hypothyroidism in my family plus after my first IVF cycle, my thyroid levels were out of whack.  Second, I have to get a sonohysterogram at some point this week.  Third, he wants to perform a full uterine biopsy or as he said it "a four corner scrape".  Dr. C. did one but he didn't do the full biopsy.  When Dr. C did it, it hurt like a son-of-a-gun and that was only a partial scrape.  What's this one going to feel like?  Ouch!  Lastly, the day of the transfer, I will be given an injection which will prevent my uterus from contracting.  He reassured me that the fact that I only have a day of flow isn't an issue.  Apparently, the more important factor is the length of my cycle.  When that changes, then there are complicates.  Thankfully, I'm still like clockwork when it comes to AF.  I also mentioned that I'm concerned about my age.  He rebutted with "You're not old.  You're a project."  Normally, I wouldn't take it too kindly to be called "a project" but when he said those words, I almost burst into tears in his office.  Like many who have been on this horrible, depressing path, I've been feeling pretty hopeless about TTC.  This meeting with Dr. R has given me hope.  I haven't had that in a while.  

Fitting in?

The day after I made my appointment with Dr. R. the clinic called to let me know that they could fit me in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's to my benefit or not as he is squeezing me into a 15 min slot.  Can we have a meaningful conversation in such a short time?  I hope so.  On the positive side of things, I'm thankful that I can get started a month sooner in preparation for the next FET.  So rather than waiting until March 26th, I'm getting in almost a month earlier.     

Cartoon Courtesy of
Google Images

Speaking of fitting in, another blogger, Michaela, posted an eloquent piece about being an Outsider and how those who have been on this infertility journey for a while become war weary.  Her post spoke to me.  When I found out that we needed help conceiving, I felt alone and as if no one would understand me.  Then I discovered the IF community online.  I found women who knew exactly how I felt.  My need to belong and to be understood was fulfilled.  But as the months passed, as my treatments continued and failed, I became quite jaded.  Still am.  The IF forums no longer fulfilled my need for understanding and belonging.  What changed?  I don't know.  All I know to be true is that infertility has changed me.  My heart has been broken in ways that I never could have imagined.  I've cried more than I ever thought possible.    


Years ago, my mother took me to a psychic fair.  For my 21st birthday, my mother paid for my palm to be read.  After carefully inspecting the lines on my palm, the palm reader predicted that would have three sons.  I recall being so shocked and dismayed.  "I could never have three boys!" I exclaimed to my mother.  Shame on my fertile loins! The prospect of having three boys frightened me and I was adamant that it would never happen.  Little did I know that my words would become reality.  Now, when I think about my fertility, the glass is definitely half empty.  In a few short months, I'll hit the dreaded 40 and we all know what that means for a woman's fertility.  May as well sound the death knell of my ovaries!  Am I being pragmatic or am I putting up a defense against the failure and disappointment?  Perhaps a little of both.     

Time

When you're dealing with infertility everything seems to be focused on time. There's a lot of waiting - waiting for appointments, waiting to start treatments, waiting for your period, waiting for those terrible two weeks, waiting for those two lines. Everything takes time. When you're close to hitting 40, time becomes your enemy. There simply isn't enough time. For the past three cycles, my periods have reduced to one full day of flow from my traditional three. Time is of the essence for me. I can see my fertility slipping away from me month by month. It scares me to death that I may never be a mother. I am terrified.

After months of procrastinating and putting it off, I finally called my clinic today to discuss my next FET. Since my original RE is gone, I was informed by the secretary that if it's been over 6 months, I would need to be referred by my family doctor, again. What? More waiting? That didn't seem right. Thankfully I had seen Dr. C. in September to discuss my October FET. I just snuck in under that 6 month rule. So March 26th, I'm in to see Dr. R. I've dealt with him quite a bit over the past year so I'm quite familiar with him. But March 26th? That seems so far away. Granted, the clinic is a doctor down with Dr.C's departure, but I was assured I would get in quite quickly.

Sweets and I have been chatting about babies and such these past few weeks. I think he is still convinced that we're going to get pregnant. If he has his doubts, he's not sharing them with me. Probably for the best as one of us has to have hope. With this next FET, we will have transferred 12 embryos. Twelve. Two fresh cycles and three frozen. If this FET doesn't work, then what?

When we first started down this path, we both agreed that we would give three IVF cycles a go. Last year was a tough year financially, so that 3rd cycle seemed unlikely. Now that Sweets' work has picked up again, cycle 3 seems possible. Granted, we will add a little bit more to our debt, but not like our last cycle.

But really how many cycles is enough? It's easy to see how this can be somewhat addictive because when do you let go of your dreams? How do you let go of it?

Holidays on the horizon

I find it a little sad that unless it has something to do with trying to conceive, I don't have much to say.  My clinic called last week to follow up with me and see how I'm doing.  The nurse recommended I call soon to book my appointment in January.  The plan is to still do our final FET in February or March. After that, I'm not sure.  My heart wants us to do another round of IVF but my pocketbook cannot withstand another round.     

Right now, I'm trying to balance paying off my IVF and FET cycles off my credit card and line of credit so that I can afford some nice Christmas gifts this year.  Last year Sweets and I put money towards items for the house rather than buying each other gifts.  I would really like to get him something nice this year.  In addition to Christmas shopping, I'm actually going up north to visit my parents for Christmas.  I need some time away for all the stress of TTC and even job action (more some other time).  Sweets was going to join me but then we discovered that his brother's family were going to Disneyland for Christmas.  It wouldn't be appropriate for Sweets to leave his elderly parents alone for Christmas.  So we'll be spending Christmas apart this year.  I'll still have a week's vacation to spend with him when I get home, so it's not that big of a deal.

Things have been going really well for Sweets on the work front. Thank goodness!  In the past 8 weeks, he's had 4 contracts.  A big difference and the work keeps coming.  Before that, he had only one small contract in March.  Not enough to keep up with all the bills so the brunt of the payments fell onto me.  Now, he's got clients approaching him from all over.  It's been a boost to our income plus, and more importantly, it's been a boost to his self esteem. It was tough on him to be out of work for such a long time.  

Going home to my parents will be both relaxing and stressful.  Even though I'm pushing 40, my parents still revert to treating me like a teenager when I go home.  I understand, and I have to make sure that I don't get snippy with them.  On the plus side, I get away from the city, back to small town life where there is truly silence at night.  I love that sound.  There is a certain silence that snow fall brings with it.  Here, snow brings with it chaos but up north, it brings peace. :)  I look forward to seeing my brother as well. When we were young, we were very close.  Over the years, we've become more distant.  I could blame his wife, whom I do not get along with (I've tried - I swear), but it takes the two of us to maintain the relationship and neither of us is willing to put in the work I suppose.

Back to the TTC front - I think this natural cycle has been a bust.  AF is due to arrive this week and I've been having the typical symptoms.  Mild cramps, acne, discharge...  I didn't go to my Zumba classes for fear that exercising too vigorously would impact implantation etc...  Does anyone else forgo exercise during the 2ww?  If you do continue, what do you do?  I'm tired of not exercising.  My treadmill downstairs hasn't seen a lot of action lately because I'm afraid of messing things up.  Suggestions?

Though I'm not actively seeking treatments right now, I often think of my fellow sisters in IF.  Evelyn is currently in her 2ww.  I wish her all the best and hope for a wonderful outcome.  

 

The White Whale

I think I've been in a good head space since my BFN.  I haven't contacted the clinic to make an appointment for January yet.  I better get on that soon.  With them being short an RE, I wonder if that will increase wait times.  While treatments have been the furthest from my mind, getting pregnant is still front and center.  I've been tracking my cycle and monitoring all the bodily aches and fluids that we're supposed to monitor.  Sweets and I are still hopeful that things will work out for us.  


With all the pain and turmoil this process has caused, I'm endeavoring to capture my white whale.  Isn't that a fitting metaphor?  Infertility is our Moby Dick.  Infertility viciously attacks our psyches, destroys our confidence and threatens to rip us apart.  I don't want to be Captain Ahab.  I don't want to obsessed to the point where is destroys who I am.


So, as a result, in an effort to maintain my sanity, I hope you don't mind if I mix my blog up with not only musings on my fertility journey, but also with thoughts on my profession.  I've been really exploring and reflecting on myself as a teacher.  My goal is to make my students into well educated, thoughtful, empathetic individuals.  As a result, I've been changing the way I do things. The way I assess my students; the way I deliver the curriculum.  Or perhaps, I'll just create another blog to think these things over.  I'm not sure.  


The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not going to let that White Whale drag me down to the bottom of the ocean.     

What to do next?

Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next.  Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3  but I'm not ready.  Not ready emotionally, physically or financially.  I want to take a break from infertility.  Just for a little while.  Is that possible?  I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.  


I'm going to take the next few months off.  Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET.  My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.  


Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work.  I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments.  I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner.  I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.


If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET.  Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF.  We simply cannot afford another round at this point.  I've been thinking about IUIs with injections.  Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low.  But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option.  While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF.  Hopefully the RE will agree. 


Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what?  Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption.  With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother.  I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind.  Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents.  That just kills me.  I so want to make them grandparents.  It pains me that they're not.  It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant.  Argh....  Life sucks sometimes.      

So tired...

of all this infertility bullshit.  You think I would be used to another negative beta, but no.  It's as painful as the first.  


Five IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 FETs and 9 embryos later and all I've got is a fat ass.  I don't know how much more my heart can take.