Gearing up for FET

An early morning wake up call.  

An hour drive to Women's Hospital with traffic and an accident on the highway.  

Concerns about my TSH levels.  

A bit of a stressful morning today.  

During my IVF cycle, I endeavoured to be the first person in line each morning, as the wait could be quite long for the ultrasound.  Thankfully there were only 3 women ahead.  Unfortunately, I recognized one of the women from my IVF cycle.  She was cycling at the same time.  Sad to know that it didn't work for her either.  

To avoid sitting and waiting in the ultrasound waiting room, I detoured to the front office and forked over my VISA for the $1000 fee for the FET.  Yikes.  While a thousand dollars is nothing in comparison to the costs of IVF, things have been slow for Sweets since his business partner quit.  Although his move to the two, more prestigious, companies brought with it optimism, he has yet to work with these new companies.  Tiny projects here and there, but still, no significant pay cheques since December.  Needless to say, infertility and financial woes does not make for a stress-free life.  Thankfully, things appear to be picking up for him.  

The wait in the ultrasound section wasn't too long.  I was pleased to see my favourite nurse and doctor present today.  She was full of smiles and encouragement during my IVF cycle.  She's like a cinnamon bun - comforting, gooey, and warm.  And Dr. R's bed side manner set me at ease.  I reminded him of his comment of my "Mick Jagger smile" uterus.  He actually appeared to be embarrassed when I mentioned it.  I reassured him that it brought levity to a stressful situation and I was grateful for his humour.  

All in all, the ultrasound went well.  My ovaries were "perfectly normal" according to Dr. R.  My uterine lining was at 9mm.  While finishing up, I mentioned to the doctor that my last blood test demonstrated an increase in my TSH.  His concern was quite obvious; it was written all over his face.  He made sure that the nurses double checked with the lab that they were testing my T3 and T4 levels as well, but he asked that I check in with the nurses before I left.  Just a few hours ago, I received the "We're good to go" phone call.  I guess I can assume that my blood work came back a-okay.  

Sunday's the day.  While my emotions are still heightened, I'm not as invested in this process as I was with IVF which is totally understandable.   Now, hopefully, my little guy will survive the thaw and in 9 months time, make me a mommy.  

Wish me luck.  

Send me prayers.  

And I promise to do the same for you.    

Sigh...

Saw this on another blog and felt compelled to repost it.  It's a luv thing

39

Today is my birthday.  I'm 39 years old.  My life is good.  I have a husband whom I adore, a home I love, a family I cherish.  On top of that I have an inspiring job, friends who support me, and kitties that make me smile every day.  Yet, I'm living a life unfulfilled.  I want to be a mother.  That's my birthday wish.  A baby before I'm 40.  Please?

I've been on the patches for a week now.  Though I'm not noticing any emotional shifts, my body feels like it's expanding with each day. I feel so freaking bloated.  I hate it  Today, I just wanted to peel off my all my clothes.  Everything is pulling in the wrong direction.  It felt as if my breasts were going to burst from my bra. That would go over well with 15 year old boys!  

Ugh...Soon I increase it to 4 patches.  I can only imagine how uncomfortable I'll be feeling then.  At least if I was pregnant, I would have a reason to be bloated and fat.  But I'm not, so I don't.  

On the plus side, a coworker and I have been working out together and are going to start walking everyday after work.  So I'm going to fight this weight gain/bloat as best I can.  Wish me luck!   

Patching it up

Waiting is the name of the game when it comes to dealing with infertility treatments.  We wait for our periods.  We wait for ovulation.  We wait for our betas.  We wait and wait and wait.  This cycle I had to wait an extra week for my period to arrive.  Thankfully she did arrive yesterday, with full force.  So finally I get to start the next phase of my infertility "journey" (more like a marathon).

Yesterday I started my Estradot patches and will increase them incrementally over the next two week.  It goes from one to two to four patches worn at a time. On cycle day 14, May 25th, I head into the clinic for a blood test and ultrasound to see if my uterus is ready for transfer.  Also, I start the crinone suppositories once again.  Then, if all the tests look good, on the 18th day, May 29th, they transfer my singleton embryo into my waiting uterus.  The patches continue until the beta.  

Thankfully it's far less invasive than IVF but the fear and worry still exists.  I'm most anxious about my little frostie.  I read somewhere that I should expect 50% loss of embryos when thawing.  I only have one!  We won't know if it pulled through until the day of transfer.  The nurse provided us with a number to call in the morning so that if the embryo dies, we won't have to drive 40mins only to be crushed.  Please, please, please God.  Please let him survive the thaw.  Please.

On another note, during our last visit to the clinic, nurse Michelle asked that I go for some blood tests - a complete blood cell count and a TSH.  Last Monday, I popped into the lab near my house on my way to work.  My CBC came back with my white and red blood cells came back elevated.  As did the hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells) and neutrophils (a particular type of white blood cell).  According to Dr. Google, these numbers could be anything from dehydration to stress to a bacterial infection to leukemia.  Ugh... Let's add another heaping pile of stress to the stress pie.  Also to add insult to injury, my TSH has jumped from 2.9 in January to 5.2!  I have a family history of hypothryoid.  My father has it, my mother is borderline, my grandmother and two of my aunts have it.  Joy.  Having a messed up thyroid screws with fertility as well.  I

It's difficult to not feel like the deck is stacked against me lately.  But I will soldier on.  What other choice do I have?         

Mother Nature is a tease *Update*

My period is three days late.  My period is never late.  The latest it's ever been was two days and even then, the flow started to happen the evening of the second day.  Here I am on day three, and still no spotting.  I've been having mild cramping on and off over the past week.  Even with my IVF cycle, even with all the medications I was on, my period arrived on time, 5 days before my beta appointment.  I'm trying not to get excited, because I've been so disappointed in the past.  I honestly don't think I'm pregnant, but of course I hope I am.  My husband has been out of town for the past week for work, and I haven't informed him of AF being MIA.  Not only does he need to focus on his work, but I don't want to get him too excited, only to be disappointed if AF arrives.  Also, I've avoided home pregnancy tests because I don't want to be crushed.  In my odd way of thinking, POAS would mean that I think there's an actual chance that I'm pregnant.  Like I would be jinxing it and then it would never happen. Surely this evening, AF will arrive; I'll allow myself a little cry and mourn the loss of yet another cycle.  But for now, I would like to remain in this moment of possibilities of "if" for a little longer.

If this natural cycle is a bust, I start my FET cycle.  I've got the Estradot and Crinone ready to go.  Here's hoping that I won't be needing them.    

**Update**
Still no AF.  Five days late.  I took two cheapy HPT this morning = BFN.  I've been reading up on it on fertility boards and this appears to be pretty routine.  Most women, after an IVF cycle, are late for their second cycle.  One poster mentioned that AF is typically 7 days to two weeks late.  Ugh!  Tomorrow I will be calling my RE's office to find out what I should be doing.  Do I start the meds?  Do I wait until AF?  I just want to get started with this cycle. 
    

Get your vote on!

If you're not interested in politics, it would be best to ignore this post.

Currently Canada is going through an election.  Yesterday, I voted in the advance poll.  There were a few people there, more than I imagined.  The Elections employee remarked that there had been line ups earlier in the day.  

Vote: April 22, 23, 25 and May 2nd

Canada has a very different system than the United States.  We're a parliamentary democracy and an election can be called anytime during the government's five year mandate.  Sometimes governments call an election to demonstrate that they have a clear mandate to serve from the people.  This election was called last month when the House of Commons found the minority Conservative government in contempt (yes, contempt) of parliament when the Cons refused to provide a concrete number for the F35s they were planning on purchasing.  The government quoted 75$ million for each but experts stated that 75$ million doesn't include the engine or the weaponry.  They stated that the price would be more likely 150$ million per jet.  Essentially, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Just before that there was the Oda scandal when a minister inserted "not" in a legal document that had originally provided funding to a NGO.  She lied about it to a government committee and then lied about it in parliament.  

Conservatives have been claiming that this was a needless election.  Personally, I don't think it is.  Never before have we had such a secretive, deceptive, and controlling government.  When the Prime Minister doesn't allow certain journalists into the scrum; when he restricts the number of questions they can ask; when he removes journalists and students from his events; when he fires public servants who question government policy (Nuclear energy!); when civil servants are afraid to go to politics rallies for fear of being fired; when huge numbers of Conservative candidates are not showing up for the all-candidates debates (we're not talking 2 or 3)...there is something wrong.  Want more?  Check out this website:  Shit Harper Did 

Government should be transparent.  Government should not be afraid of the people.  The government serves the people.   

I could go on and on about how much I fear, yes fear, this party.  I could go on about how the pit in my stomach is similar to the one I had during the 1995 Quebec referendum.  

The most important thing is for everyone to vote.  Whatever party you choose.  The 2008 election had the lowest voter turnout in history.  I hope each and every Canadian gets their vote on and gets out to the polls - regular or advance.  With that, I'll leave you with political satirist Rick Mercer's rant.

     

Mini-hiatus

Since the failure of my first IVF cycle, I've kind of gone on hiatus from infertility.  I haven't been visiting the fertility boards nor have I been reading blogs or posting myself.  I've stopped obsessively searching for everything and anything on infertility.  I've stopped talking to my husband about it.  I needed to take a vacation away from infertility and not think about it.  But today, my vacation ended.  
A good friend and coworker came by to visit me today after classes were over.  She's currently on her maternity leave (we started trying about the same time btw) but she's been at the school every so often to complete the practicum portion of her secondary counseling masters.  Since we haven't seen each other on a daily basis like we used to, we've been a bit out of touch with each other's lives.  She knows that we've been trying to conceive and of course she asked the question, "How are things on the pregnancy front?"  
All those emotions I had been able to keep in check for the past week just flooded back to me.  Last week, when I had the meltdown in front of my English 10 class, I met with two of the counselors, good friends of mine.  They helped me process my emotions and gave me strength to go back into the classroom and not feel like I'm constantly battling with my emotions.  I've been great all week until today.  I'm so tired of crying.  I'm so tired of putting on a brave face, but I really have no choice.  
Needless to say, I was feeling rather blue today and finally decided to read up on some of the blogs I follow.  Jay, of The 2 Week Wait, wrote this in her blog today.  It made me feel better.  Made me feel stronger.  Perhaps it'll do the same for you.

...[H]ow many times have we all done that? Said to ourselves that we are failures? That we are losers? That we’re ashamed? That we can’t do anything right? When are we going to forgive ourselves despite the obvious fact that we haven’t actually done anything wrong in the first place?!?!

More importantly, how can we expect others to show us respect when we can’t show ourselves the respect we so deserve? We are amazing, strong, resilient, supportive women. We subject ourselves to physical and financial strain without any guarantees. We are expected to rejoice for everyone pregnancies without question when so few people go out of their way to support our losses… but we do it. Often. We smile. We buy presents and we hide our pain. We willingly go through hell at the mere promise that we may have a child of our own. We wake up every day, get dressed, function in society no matter what hormones we’re taking, how we’re feeling or what bad news we’ve just been delivered. And yes, we occasionally yell at women pushing strollers but that just means we’re human. We get jealous and resentful but we pick ourselves up over and over and over again and keep going. We are unsung heroes who even in our weaker moments show more strength and courage in one cycle than most people do in an entire lifetime.