Get your vote on!

If you're not interested in politics, it would be best to ignore this post.

Currently Canada is going through an election.  Yesterday, I voted in the advance poll.  There were a few people there, more than I imagined.  The Elections employee remarked that there had been line ups earlier in the day.  

Vote: April 22, 23, 25 and May 2nd

Canada has a very different system than the United States.  We're a parliamentary democracy and an election can be called anytime during the government's five year mandate.  Sometimes governments call an election to demonstrate that they have a clear mandate to serve from the people.  This election was called last month when the House of Commons found the minority Conservative government in contempt (yes, contempt) of parliament when the Cons refused to provide a concrete number for the F35s they were planning on purchasing.  The government quoted 75$ million for each but experts stated that 75$ million doesn't include the engine or the weaponry.  They stated that the price would be more likely 150$ million per jet.  Essentially, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Just before that there was the Oda scandal when a minister inserted "not" in a legal document that had originally provided funding to a NGO.  She lied about it to a government committee and then lied about it in parliament.  

Conservatives have been claiming that this was a needless election.  Personally, I don't think it is.  Never before have we had such a secretive, deceptive, and controlling government.  When the Prime Minister doesn't allow certain journalists into the scrum; when he restricts the number of questions they can ask; when he removes journalists and students from his events; when he fires public servants who question government policy (Nuclear energy!); when civil servants are afraid to go to politics rallies for fear of being fired; when huge numbers of Conservative candidates are not showing up for the all-candidates debates (we're not talking 2 or 3)...there is something wrong.  Want more?  Check out this website:  Shit Harper Did 

Government should be transparent.  Government should not be afraid of the people.  The government serves the people.   

I could go on and on about how much I fear, yes fear, this party.  I could go on about how the pit in my stomach is similar to the one I had during the 1995 Quebec referendum.  

The most important thing is for everyone to vote.  Whatever party you choose.  The 2008 election had the lowest voter turnout in history.  I hope each and every Canadian gets their vote on and gets out to the polls - regular or advance.  With that, I'll leave you with political satirist Rick Mercer's rant.

     

Mini-hiatus

Since the failure of my first IVF cycle, I've kind of gone on hiatus from infertility.  I haven't been visiting the fertility boards nor have I been reading blogs or posting myself.  I've stopped obsessively searching for everything and anything on infertility.  I've stopped talking to my husband about it.  I needed to take a vacation away from infertility and not think about it.  But today, my vacation ended.  
A good friend and coworker came by to visit me today after classes were over.  She's currently on her maternity leave (we started trying about the same time btw) but she's been at the school every so often to complete the practicum portion of her secondary counseling masters.  Since we haven't seen each other on a daily basis like we used to, we've been a bit out of touch with each other's lives.  She knows that we've been trying to conceive and of course she asked the question, "How are things on the pregnancy front?"  
All those emotions I had been able to keep in check for the past week just flooded back to me.  Last week, when I had the meltdown in front of my English 10 class, I met with two of the counselors, good friends of mine.  They helped me process my emotions and gave me strength to go back into the classroom and not feel like I'm constantly battling with my emotions.  I've been great all week until today.  I'm so tired of crying.  I'm so tired of putting on a brave face, but I really have no choice.  
Needless to say, I was feeling rather blue today and finally decided to read up on some of the blogs I follow.  Jay, of The 2 Week Wait, wrote this in her blog today.  It made me feel better.  Made me feel stronger.  Perhaps it'll do the same for you.

...[H]ow many times have we all done that? Said to ourselves that we are failures? That we are losers? That we’re ashamed? That we can’t do anything right? When are we going to forgive ourselves despite the obvious fact that we haven’t actually done anything wrong in the first place?!?!

More importantly, how can we expect others to show us respect when we can’t show ourselves the respect we so deserve? We are amazing, strong, resilient, supportive women. We subject ourselves to physical and financial strain without any guarantees. We are expected to rejoice for everyone pregnancies without question when so few people go out of their way to support our losses… but we do it. Often. We smile. We buy presents and we hide our pain. We willingly go through hell at the mere promise that we may have a child of our own. We wake up every day, get dressed, function in society no matter what hormones we’re taking, how we’re feeling or what bad news we’ve just been delivered. And yes, we occasionally yell at women pushing strollers but that just means we’re human. We get jealous and resentful but we pick ourselves up over and over and over again and keep going. We are unsung heroes who even in our weaker moments show more strength and courage in one cycle than most people do in an entire lifetime. 

I am lucky.

Yes.  Infertility sucks.  But there are some wonderful things in my life.  Though it may not seem like it lately, I do love my job.  I love teaching; I'm passionate about my subjects.  On Monday, I snapped at two of my favourite students and then broke down in tears when they stopped in to see me.  I didn't mean to and I apologized sincerely.  They both offered me hugs and one of them checked in on me later in the day.  

Today, Cass came by and asked, "Mrs. B can I come by at lunch and get you to look at something?"  Assuming it was for some sort of post-secondary application, I didn't hesitate to say yes.  Well at lunch Cass, Elle and Becca came into my room, arms full of gifts and baking.  Cass had made me a beautiful card and a lemon loaf.  Elle made amazing walnut butter tarts. And Becca made delicious banana bread with chocolate chips.  The three of them then put together a little gift bag of hot chocolate, chocolate, tea, bath salts, hand lotion and homemade jam.  They said, "We wanted to make you a warm and fuzzy package to help you feel better."  How thoughtful is that?  They saw me in pain and they reached out to make me feel better.

Yes infertility sucks big time.  I hate that I feel this way.  Right now, I have no control over my body and my emotions.  It sucks.  But you know what?  I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.     

Mini-melt down and the WTF appointment

Today is Sweets's birthday.  I love him.  He is my rock, my light, my everything.  I'm so lucky to have him in my life.  

Happy Birthday Sweetie.

  
Part I:  Mini-meltdown

The blow from a BFN with an IVF is 100% worse than all the IUIs combined.  My emotions have been quite raw and I move quickly to sadness.  Today, while teaching, I had a mini-meltdown. 


My English 10 class were being goofs.  I was trying to teach them how to really analyse a poem by modelling how I would analyse one of my favourite poems from W.H. Auden.  Throughout my discussion there were students talking, others texting and others playing with their iTouches.  Numerous times throughout the class I had been asking them to be quiet, pay attention, stop talking, turn around...Enough was enough.  I just flipped out and of course because I'm somewhat fragile, I broke down.  I asked them if they would prefer a teacher who actually wants them to learn how to think or a teacher who just gives them 200 questions to answer.  What did they want from me?  Did they want a teacher who actually teaches or not?  I just walked out and went to the bathroom to calm down.  Soon thereafter the bell ran and I went back upstairs.

Of course when I returned to the class, there were a few students still milling about, wondering what had just happened.  And you know, it's always the students who aren't the problem who apologize.  C came up and said, "Mrs. B.  I'm really sorry."  She wasn't the problem.  On Thursday, I will apologize for my outburst and then remind them that they are here to learn and reiterate my expectations on behaviour.  If they want to simply regurgitate answers, then they need to find another teacher.  I'm not that teacher.  

Thankfully, my principal popped in to see how I was doing.  She's been fully aware of my IF journey and thankfully, she's been incredibly supportive of me.  I explained to her what had just happened.  She understood and actually said, "They probably needed to hear what you had to say.  Don't beat yourself up."     

Part II:  WTF Appointment

Sweets was a little concerned that we would miss the Leadership debate because we had to go into the city for our appointment.  Thank goodness for CBC radio because he got to tune in while we drove home. 

Oddly enough, the appointment I thought would be depressing, was actually somewhat positive.  Dr. C agreed that I responded well with my antagonist protocol.  If there is a "next time," he would like to see me stimulate for one more day.  He said that there were a number of immature eggs and one more day would have been beneficial.  So I take it that from the 22 follicles that were drained, there were more than the 14 retrieved but they were immature?  It appears that it would be logical to add a day to allow for maturity.  Also, he felt positive about the fact that Sweets's guys were able to fertilize the eggs naturally.  Ironically though, the one frozen embryo was actually from ICSI.  Interesting.  

Previously I had mentioned that my mother was concerned about the medication she took while pregnant with me.  Dr. C confirmed that DES was not widely used in Canada.  It was prescribed mainly in the US and Australia.  My mother was most likely prescribed progesterone, as I suspected.  Had she used DES, my IF issues would have taken a totally different direction!

All in all, Dr. C felt that we could move forward next month with FET.  Sweets and I left the appointment feeling somewhat relieved and reassured.  We met with the nurse, and I received the FET protocol and the prescription for my meds.  On to phase two of this messed up IF journey.     

Two stars and a wish

Without the assistance of an alarm, I woke up early this morning to go to the lab for the HCG blood test.  Though I knew it would be a negative blood test, the clinic asks patients to follow through to see if there was any implantation at all.  To save the poor nurses from "breaking" the bad news, I simply accessed my results online.  Zero.  Big fat goose egg.  Not even a slight chance that one of the guys implanted.

I called my mom yesterday to let her know.  Understandably she was upset.  She had been praying for us that it would work.  And I was upset, both for our loss and hers.  I so want to make my parents grandparents.  Over the years, I watched them coo over other people's grand kids, brag about my cousin's kids, and buy gifts for neighbours' baby showers.  I want my parents to have a grandchild of their own.  My brother and his wife have chosen to not be parents.  They live in the same community as my parents but over the years, they have had little contact with them.  In a way, my brother has forsaken our family for hers.  It's hurt my parents immeasurably. I hear it in my mother's voice and feel my father's sadness that rather than gaining a daughter, they lost a son.  Having a grandchild would bring them so much joy and perhaps it would encourage them to leave their small northern BC town and move closer to me.  

I so want to be a mother.  My arms ache for a child to hold and call my own.  Further, it is incredibly important to me is that my parents know what it feels like to be called Mummi (grandmother) and Ukki (grandfather).  I want to give them that opportunity.     

We're all we've got over here.  My parents immigrated to Canada with my brother in 1970.  They had me two years later.  My mother had no difficulty getting pregnant but she had difficulty staying pregnant.  She miscarried her first two pregnancies and then finally had my brother.  But the pregnancy was not smooth sailing.  Of course she was paranoid that she would lose him too.  He ended up being almost a month premature and born breech.  He was a little guy when he was born.  

When she got pregnant with me, she was worried that she would miscarry again so the doctor gave her something to help prevent miscarriage.  I can only assume it was progesterone.  However, there was a drug prescribed around the same time called DES  While this drug hasn't been prescribed since 1971, it would have been around the time when my mom got pregnant with me.  Not only has it been linked to vaginal and cervical cancers, but it's also been connected with infertility.  Prenatal Exposure to DES 

My mom has brought this up to me a number of times over the past 20 years.  With each new doctor I had, she made sure that I mentioned that she took a medication to prevent her from miscarrying.  Yesterday when I told her that I got my period, she started to blame herself.  That perhaps our inability to conceive has to do with her taking that medication.  I could feel her guilt over the phone.  I reassured her that all my physicals and scans I've had done everything looks a-okay in there.  But to be on the safe side, I've asked her to find out from her current doctor what the medication actually was.  

If it was DES, then this would be a game changer.  My RE may have to take a totally different approach.  Or perhaps we may have to come to accept that we may not be able to carry at all.  

Now for my two stars and a wish.  Though this IVF cycle didn't end up with a BFP, it did have some positives.  (working hard to be positive here)
#1 Star:  I responded well to the medication.  Fourteen eggs were harvested.  Dr. R said that 7 was good and that 14 was amazing.
#2 Star:  With IVF, we had 100% fertilization.  Sweet's little guys are able to penetrate the egg on their own.  So if we have to do another fresh cycle, we'll forgo the ICSI and save $1,500. 

My wish:  I wish and pray that my little snow-baby will be a happy and healthy baby in my arms next year. 

IVF #1 = BFN

I got my period. First thing this morning, nothing. I told myself, "If I can get through today without getting my period, then I think I'm pregnant." One thing that I can count on is a regular cycle.  Today is CD 28.  I honestly thought that if I could get past today, then we were on the home stretch to a BFP.  

Just as I was preparing to leave the house to got to work, there it was. Dark brown with lovely chunks of crinone. More than spotting, not quite a full blown period.  I'm devastated. Literally, gutted.  

I don't know how I could drive through the tears, but I made it safely to work.  Before going to my classroom, I detoured to the counseling office.  Their door was locked.  So I stumbled to the office to talk to the principal.  She's been so supportive of this process and has been behind me all the way.  She wasn't there.  Thankfully by "at school" mom, Sandy was there.  I just broke down.  I couldn't stop crying.  Finally my principal arrived, shed a few tear with me and sent me home. In fact she ordered me to stay at home tomorrow too so that I can process my emotions. I'm so thankful for her support.   

As soon as I got home, I emailed the school with a brief outline of today's lessons.  Isn't it pathetic that I just received really shitty news and I'm sitting here worried about my classes?  WTF is wrong with me?  Did I allow the stress at work to get to me?  Is that why this cycle didn't work?  Why didn't it work?  Am I simply not meant to be a mother?   

Monday was supposed to be the day of my beta.  Well actually it was supposed to be Sunday but since the labs aren't open on Sundays, I bumped it to Monday.  My clinic wants its patients to get a beta done regardless of bleeding so I think I'll just go in on Saturday instead.  Why prolong the "official" news?  Not only is this BFN just really shitty news but Tuesday is my husband's birthday.  I had hoped to do something completely cliched like put a positive pregnancy strip in a box.  That'll teach me for dreaming. 

I know my body...

And I honestly feel that this cycle is a bust.  Before you accuse me of being pessimistic, I counter and simply state that I'm being realistic.  My period is, for the most part, regular and should be here Wednesday or Thursday.  Typically, just before my period, I get morning mini-cramps.  Today, I had morning mini-cramps.  Ugh...  So in my heart of hearts, I feel like this cycle was a bust.  I know people are probably thinking that it's not over yet, but other than cramps I have no pregnancy symptoms.  Granted, if implantation did occur, it would be finishing up tomorrow.  I just have a feeling that this didn't work.  

Statistically speaking, the RE gave us about 33-35% chance of getting pregnant per cycle.  Those odds echo what a "regular" couple's chances of getting pregnant are.  Sweets wants to give this IVF thing at least two more times.  Usually he's a stickler for money but for this, he's willing to go into debt for.  While I admire him for that, there's no guarantee that after 3 tries, we'll still end up with a baby in our arms.  I don't know.  That's the frustration about all this.  Everything is up in the air.  Nothing is guaranteed.