I got my period. First thing this morning, nothing. I told myself, "If I can get through today without getting my period, then I think I'm pregnant." One thing that I can count on is a regular cycle. Today is CD 28. I honestly thought that if I could get past today, then we were on the home stretch to a BFP.
Just as I was preparing to leave the house to got to work, there it was. Dark brown with lovely chunks of crinone. More than spotting, not quite a full blown period. I'm devastated. Literally, gutted.
I don't know how I could drive through the tears, but I made it safely to work. Before going to my classroom, I detoured to the counseling office. Their door was locked. So I stumbled to the office to talk to the principal. She's been so supportive of this process and has been behind me all the way. She wasn't there. Thankfully by "at school" mom, Sandy was there. I just broke down. I couldn't stop crying. Finally my principal arrived, shed a few tear with me and sent me home. In fact she ordered me to stay at home tomorrow too so that I can process my emotions. I'm so thankful for her support.
As soon as I got home, I emailed the school with a brief outline of today's lessons. Isn't it pathetic that I just received really shitty news and I'm sitting here worried about my classes? WTF is wrong with me? Did I allow the stress at work to get to me? Is that why this cycle didn't work? Why didn't it work? Am I simply not meant to be a mother?
Monday was supposed to be the day of my beta. Well actually it was supposed to be Sunday but since the labs aren't open on Sundays, I bumped it to Monday. My clinic wants its patients to get a beta done regardless of bleeding so I think I'll just go in on Saturday instead. Why prolong the "official" news? Not only is this BFN just really shitty news but Tuesday is my husband's birthday. I had hoped to do something completely cliched like put a positive pregnancy strip in a box. That'll teach me for dreaming.
I'm so, so, so sorry to read this :(
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have the next few days off. I didn't take enough time after my IUIs, especially the second one that sent me into a really big funk for a couple of months. Definitely take the time to grieve and move past all the feelings that result (I can only imagine what they're like after an IVF, they were really awful after the IUI and that's a lot cheaper) because they come up after regardless. I also didn't take time off trying after my m/cs and I really should have.
Do you belong to ivf.ca? (I can't remember if that's where I found your blog or not). If not, you should join the forums; they are really supportive and a great place for venting and sounding off and getting support and gathering information and not feeling nearly so alone.
So sorry for you. I hope you can heal quickly. I've only recently started on my ivf journey and reading this is so disheartening. :(
ReplyDelete@FrostedLemonCarrot - Yes, I'm on IVF.ca and FertileThoughts. They've been my sanity over the past 8 months. Having experienced 5 IUIs, the blow from this BFN was much harsher. It almost was like a negotiation. I've put myself through so much shit (a crap load of money, the injections, the pain of retrieval), it made me think (absurdly) that I deserved a BFP. Of course, nothing is granted about this process. It's just a crapshoot.
ReplyDelete@ifpomgrante: Please don't feel disheartened. There are many people who get BFPs from their first cycle. There are also many people who don't. Just go into this realistically. Hopefully your RE gave you good odds. Mine were about the same as a "regular" couple trying to conceive - about 33-35% chance per cycle.
I am so sorry.. I can completely relate. For my IVF #1, I did not make it to Beta day because aunt flow arrived. It sucks. Hang in there-- you will get there. Talk to your RE, get a 2nd opinion if you can. I will be rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry... I was so hoping that you will get your BFP this time around, as we all deserve a BFP going through countless injections, side effects, emotional and physical pain.
ReplyDeleteI do understand though how you feel. We had 5 unsuccessful IUIs and 1 failed IVF, and with every procedure I was imagining how I am going to break the good news to my family, but was left with a heartbreak every time.
I second The Baby Chase Project comment about getting a 2nd opinion. We switched REs and I just love our new RE and it brought some hope back into my life.
So sorry again..... ((hugs))
Aww sweet girl. I'm so sorry to hear this news. I know exactly how you feel and it is just simply NOT FAIR! I pray that the Lord gives you the strength and peace that you so desperately need right now. Know that He is crying right along with you. FT has been my sanity the past year, and the women there are fantastic. My heart broke for you, but I just know that you are meant to be a mommy!~Hugs~
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear your news. I know how absolutely devastating it is. Please don't give up. This journey is so hard and always remember that you are meant to be a mother and you are going to be an awesome mom!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that. I do know how it feels and I've cried a lot too. My clinic insists on the blood tests too. I've always felt bad for them when they have to call me with the bad news.
ReplyDeleteTake some time to recover and keep your head up.