Person Vs. Self

When teaching short story elements to my students, we review the different types of conflicts.  Stories typically have one or more of the following:

• person vs. person 
• person vs. society
• person vs. nature
• person vs. supernatural 
• And last but not least, person vs. self.  

Dealing with infertility is all about the internal, person vs. self, conflict.  Which is why I found it funny that my RE recommended an antagonist protocol.  Infertility has definitely been my antagonist these past few years.   I'm assuming that the 2ww after egg transfer will be the climax, or the point of highest tension, in this story of my life.


Our IVF consult today was hopeful, overwhelming and a wee bit confusing.  At first we thought that our issues were as a result of male factor, but after today, it appears we're just one of those couples with "unexplained infertility".  He really didn't see why we could get pregnant.  Anyway, looking at all our of results, the RE recommended split IVF/ICSI with an antagonist protocol.  


The next few months will be a combination of oral contraceptives and injections.  Starting my next cycle, I'll be on birth control pills (BCP).  Then I'll be taking either Gonal F or Puregon to stimulate my ovaries for about 8 days.  At some point in that time frame, I get a shot of to suppress an LH surge (ovulation).  Then when the eggs are ready to go, I get another shot which completes the maturation of the eggs.  Soon after that, Sweets and I go into for the retrieval.  They take out my eggs, and he provides a sample.  Then they do their magic in the lab.  If all goes well, we'll have about 10 eggs.  Five will go through the IVF process - one egg, one dish, sperm.  Five eggs will have ICSI done - a sperm injected into the egg.  We're looking at a day 3 transfer.  


Overall, the doctor said I have about 30-40% chance of pregnancy.  Now, it doesn't seem like a lot but a regular, fertile couple has a 33% chance of pregnancy every month.  So really, it's not that bad.  I just hope we'll be carry the little pumpkin to term.  That'll be the scariest part I think. 

This is what 10 mm looks like.

Anyway, back to today.  Sweets and I were in the waiting area.  It was surprisingly quiet, though the girl next to me was obnoxiously loud.  You know one of those people who is a loud talker because she wants every one to hear?  While doing her questionnaire, she read every question aloud.  "Do I suffer from depression?  All the time."  "Is my movement limited?  All the time!"  Ugh.  Soon enough our RE came and called us.  I love my RE.  He's hilarious.  A good sense of humour but he gets right down to it.  After talking about the protocol, he took me back for a physical, an ultrasound, and a mock transfer.  Everything went well.  Apparently I am right ovary dominant.  My ovaries had about 6-8 follicles each.  Now, I thought that there should only be one or two in each?  Anyway, he didn't seem concerned.  The follicles were about 10mm in size.  Is that good?  Bad?  I have no clue, but as I said, he didn't seem concerned.  


We then met with the nurse who walked us through some of the paperwork and medications.  She also gave us a quick tour of the facility.  


So the countdown starts once again.  The thing about infertility is that there is a A LOT of waiting.  And sadly, time is not on our side.       

Eff you Sears!

My father and I were in Sears today, buying birthday gifts for my mom.  And wouldn't you know it.  Today was Baby Day at Sears.  Everywhere we went, there was either a freaking huge poster of an adorable baby or a baby bassinet full of cute baby toys/clothes/accessories.  Freaking torture.  

Sears.  You suck.  

Too tired to sleep

Three more days. Three more days and then I'm finished with this semester's classes. 

It's been a chaotic five months.  I never seemed to find my footing or my stride.  I've felt like I've been stumbling through my classes.  I feel guilty.  I haven't been the teacher I know I can be.  I know I'm better than this.  I've been forgetful, terse, and sullen.  This is not me.  

I love teaching, yet, I have not enjoyed myself as I have in past years.  I've failed to connect with my English 10 class.  My Socials 11 class frustrates me with their apathy and immaturity.  And my History 12, which in the past was my reason for waking up and going to work in the morning, has been hijacked by a group of boys who really would rather text on their phones or watch Youtube clips than discuss the Civil Rights movement.

Stalin and Hitler -
the Nazi-Soviet Pact lives!

Don't get me wrong.  Each class has some redeeming qualities.  For instance, there are some amazing people in my History 12 class.  One student actually made me Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini finger puppets.  How thoughtful is that?  I cannot wait to see what fabulous adults they'll become.  They could have taught themselves.  And in a way, they have as I've felt "off" for the past 5 months.    

I'm sure it has something to do with all this infertility nonsense.  Rather than marking papers or creating new lessons, researching medications, treatments, techniques and clinics preoccupy my time.  I've been obsessively reading IF blogs.  On top of that, at least once a month I've been missing in action for my IUIs.  And when yet another 2ww ends in disappointment, it's difficult to not let it affect me in class.  When my first IUI was a bust, I burst into tears just as my Socials class walked in.  It didn't help that my coworker had just announced her pregnancy to the whole staff that day.  She married in July and was pregnant by Sept.  There's a reason why I avoid the staff room at lunch nowadays.

Things will only get worse.  Soon we'll be starting our IVF treatment.  I'm sure a new level of insanity will ensue.     

But for now, I have three more days left with these guys.  Three more days of marking, planning and reviewing.  I've never felt so exhausted - emotionally and physically.  Sadly, I'm too tired to sleep.       

I suck as a friend

I'm a bad friend.  


Fertility jealousy has made me a bad friend.  A friend of mine announced her pregnancy about 2 months ago.  She was only about 2 months along and stated that it was an accidental pregnancy.  I was jealous.  How is it that she was able to get pregnant so easily when I've been struggling?  How is it that she has abused her body over the years and she's pregnant?  Even our mutual friends questioned how this was possible.  Three years ago, she was obese - about 300lbs.  Her legs were failing her, she was finding it difficult to breath and working as a hair stylist was taking its toil on her.  Her legs simply couldn't hold her up for extended periods of time.  Her only companionship was her 7 dogs which lived with her in her tiny trailer home.  She couldn't even take the dogs for a walk - it was too much for her.    


After an agonizing wait for approval, she obtained her gastric bypass.  Her excitement was infectious.  And we all celebrated with her - a new life was beginning.  Her road has been brutal.  Not only has she dealt with complications from hernias but she even died for a few minutes while recovering from her hernia operations.  Shortly after losing over 100lbs, she met someone.  And together, they started partying and having a lot of fun.  It was as if she was living the youth that she never got to experience.  Doing the things that most of us got out of our systems long ago.  At our 20 year grad reunion last July, she was drinking far more than she was eating and had to be carried out at the end of each evening.  Then in November, she announced that she was pregnant and I was so incredibly envious.  I wished her well, and then proceeded to block her on facebook.


Yesterday, I noticed a post from a mutual facebook friend, wishing her well and a speedy recovery.  She was hospitalized due to popped hernia.  Further, a large fibroid had developed in her uterus.  There was some concern that she would lose the baby, but thankfully she hasn't.  


I'm a bad friend.  Here is a girl who has struggled her whole life - her weight, her lack of mobility, her loneliness, her sadness.  For the first time in a very long time, she's happy.  She has a great year with a new love, a new home and a new baby and I am so self centred that I couldn't be happy for her simply because she got pregnant without trying.


I have to change.  This bitterness is not healthy for me nor helpful on the road to pregnancy.  She deserves all the happiness in the world and I have no right to demean, devalue or belittle it.  One day, I too will announce my pregnancy.  


Just not on facebook.  


  

I'm not alone.

Dealing with infertility is lonely.  Unless you've dealt with the inability/difficulty of having a child, you don't know what it feels like.  the emotions are complex and can be all consuming.  Most of my friends who want to be parents, are.  Those who don't, aren't.  I do have two amazingly supportive friends who have been there for me during these past few months.  I appreciate that they're there for me, but I don't ever let myself go with them.  The conversations are somewhat guarded - kind of a need to know basis.  I don't express my fears and apprehensions.  I make it very clinical.  


This week, I had dinner with a group of ladies that I graduated with 20  years ago.  (Insert reality check here)  MM was visiting from our home town to receive radiation treatments for a brain tumour.  She has an amazing spirit and is so inspiring and optimistic.  It was quite infectious.  What could have been a sombre evening out, was a dinner full of laughter.  MM will be back in 3 months to undergo a check up and possibly more treatments.  We've vowed to get together once again.  (side note:  what's kind of sad is that DA, Ms. M, Ms. L and I all live within an hour's drive or less, and we rarely see each other.  That has to change.)


Now, what is really interesting is that all five of us have had our fertility complications.  MM has had two miscarriages but now has two children (10 and 6); DA had a miscarriage in June but is now 4 months pregnant.  But what's really comforting is that Ms. M and Ms. L are in the same boat as I am.  Ms. L has been to Genesis, and she has gone through three IUIs.  Her husband desperately wants to be a father.  Ms. M has just started her fertility journey.  Because she hasn't been entrenched in this fertility war, she stated that "Oh, maybe in a year, we'll go to the doctor about it."  I looked at her and said, "You don't have a year."  Ms. M doesn't even know how to identify if she's ovulating.
I wouldn't wish this on  anyone.  Infertility sucks rotten eggs.  But it's incredibly comforting to know that I'm not alone.  Having Ms. M and Ms. L to contact about my frustrations, makes this experience a little more tolerable.  Plus, Ms. L and I appear to be a on similar time lines.


It's just so good to know that I am not alone in this.  I have people to turn to.  Be it my two BFFs or Ms. M and Ms. L, the support is there.  I just need to make sure that I ask for it.      

The Cheese Stands Alone

For a moment there I thought I was going crazy.  As I cuddled in front of the fire place with a pile of essays, I heard a baby crying.  What?  A baby?  Where?  Naturally I got out of my chair and looked outside to see if there were any mommies with their strollers, but no.  Just a boy and his dog playing in the frigid Arctic air.  Now, I know that my neighbours across the way had/adopted a baby in the summer, but there would be no way that I could hear the baby now.  For the past few days, we've suffered a cold snap so essentially the whole lower mainland have either been on top of mountains or shut indoors.  So how could I hear a baby crying through closed windows from across the street?  Plus, this was a newborn's cry.  Very different from a baby that's a few months old.  As far as I know, no one else around us looked even remotely pregnant. 


Well, I guess I was wrong.  


The neighbour we share a wall with (we're an end unit), must have had a baby recently cause that's where the baby cries were coming from.  The last time I saw her, really saw her, was in the summer and she did not look pregnant at all.   But, that was 5 months ago, so it's very possible that she was pregnant at the time.   


Could I be any more surrounded by fertile people?  This is torture for those of us who are infertile.  From all the bloody Facebook announcements of pregnancy - there have been 7 announcements in 2 months!  Most of those were within a 3 week period.  Everyone is getting pregnant except me.  Even my friend E who has seriously abused her body for the last 20 years with food and alcohol, went through a difficult gastric bypass surgery, lost 150lbs, and got accidentally "knocked up" by her boyfriend.   Ugh.  Then there's my friend S, who thought she didn't want to be a parent. Well, pregnant on the FIRST IUI.  No drugs.  No nothing.  First time, and she's 40 years old. 


I'm coming off as really bitter right now.  But I can't help it.  I'm surrounded by Fertile Myrtles and I'm the odd one out.   

01-01-11 Vasilopita in the House

It's a Greek tradition that on the first day of the new year, the family eats vasilopita.  Essentially, it's a sweet bread, kind of like brioche.  Hidden within the bread is a coin wrapped in foil which symbolizes good fortune for the year.  After blessing the house, my FIL cuts and doles the bread out.  Not do the 8 of us receive a piece of vasilopita, but Jesus and the house receive a piece of bread as well. In the 15 years that I've been part of this tradition, I think I've received the coin once.  In that same time, my husband has never received the coin.  We have a feeling that the baker, my beloved and eccentric MIL, rigs it so that our niece or nephew get the coin, and then ultimately, the good fortune for the year.  
More than ever before, I want this coin.  I need this coin.  We need all the luck and good fortune we can get this year.  


UPDATE:  Neither my husband nor I got the lucky coin this year.   It went to Mary, so back to the church.  Is it wrong of me to be jealous of the Virgin Mary?