Time

When you're dealing with infertility everything seems to be focused on time. There's a lot of waiting - waiting for appointments, waiting to start treatments, waiting for your period, waiting for those terrible two weeks, waiting for those two lines. Everything takes time. When you're close to hitting 40, time becomes your enemy. There simply isn't enough time. For the past three cycles, my periods have reduced to one full day of flow from my traditional three. Time is of the essence for me. I can see my fertility slipping away from me month by month. It scares me to death that I may never be a mother. I am terrified.

After months of procrastinating and putting it off, I finally called my clinic today to discuss my next FET. Since my original RE is gone, I was informed by the secretary that if it's been over 6 months, I would need to be referred by my family doctor, again. What? More waiting? That didn't seem right. Thankfully I had seen Dr. C. in September to discuss my October FET. I just snuck in under that 6 month rule. So March 26th, I'm in to see Dr. R. I've dealt with him quite a bit over the past year so I'm quite familiar with him. But March 26th? That seems so far away. Granted, the clinic is a doctor down with Dr.C's departure, but I was assured I would get in quite quickly.

Sweets and I have been chatting about babies and such these past few weeks. I think he is still convinced that we're going to get pregnant. If he has his doubts, he's not sharing them with me. Probably for the best as one of us has to have hope. With this next FET, we will have transferred 12 embryos. Twelve. Two fresh cycles and three frozen. If this FET doesn't work, then what?

When we first started down this path, we both agreed that we would give three IVF cycles a go. Last year was a tough year financially, so that 3rd cycle seemed unlikely. Now that Sweets' work has picked up again, cycle 3 seems possible. Granted, we will add a little bit more to our debt, but not like our last cycle.

But really how many cycles is enough? It's easy to see how this can be somewhat addictive because when do you let go of your dreams? How do you let go of it?

Holidays on the horizon

I find it a little sad that unless it has something to do with trying to conceive, I don't have much to say.  My clinic called last week to follow up with me and see how I'm doing.  The nurse recommended I call soon to book my appointment in January.  The plan is to still do our final FET in February or March. After that, I'm not sure.  My heart wants us to do another round of IVF but my pocketbook cannot withstand another round.     

Right now, I'm trying to balance paying off my IVF and FET cycles off my credit card and line of credit so that I can afford some nice Christmas gifts this year.  Last year Sweets and I put money towards items for the house rather than buying each other gifts.  I would really like to get him something nice this year.  In addition to Christmas shopping, I'm actually going up north to visit my parents for Christmas.  I need some time away for all the stress of TTC and even job action (more some other time).  Sweets was going to join me but then we discovered that his brother's family were going to Disneyland for Christmas.  It wouldn't be appropriate for Sweets to leave his elderly parents alone for Christmas.  So we'll be spending Christmas apart this year.  I'll still have a week's vacation to spend with him when I get home, so it's not that big of a deal.

Things have been going really well for Sweets on the work front. Thank goodness!  In the past 8 weeks, he's had 4 contracts.  A big difference and the work keeps coming.  Before that, he had only one small contract in March.  Not enough to keep up with all the bills so the brunt of the payments fell onto me.  Now, he's got clients approaching him from all over.  It's been a boost to our income plus, and more importantly, it's been a boost to his self esteem. It was tough on him to be out of work for such a long time.  

Going home to my parents will be both relaxing and stressful.  Even though I'm pushing 40, my parents still revert to treating me like a teenager when I go home.  I understand, and I have to make sure that I don't get snippy with them.  On the plus side, I get away from the city, back to small town life where there is truly silence at night.  I love that sound.  There is a certain silence that snow fall brings with it.  Here, snow brings with it chaos but up north, it brings peace. :)  I look forward to seeing my brother as well. When we were young, we were very close.  Over the years, we've become more distant.  I could blame his wife, whom I do not get along with (I've tried - I swear), but it takes the two of us to maintain the relationship and neither of us is willing to put in the work I suppose.

Back to the TTC front - I think this natural cycle has been a bust.  AF is due to arrive this week and I've been having the typical symptoms.  Mild cramps, acne, discharge...  I didn't go to my Zumba classes for fear that exercising too vigorously would impact implantation etc...  Does anyone else forgo exercise during the 2ww?  If you do continue, what do you do?  I'm tired of not exercising.  My treadmill downstairs hasn't seen a lot of action lately because I'm afraid of messing things up.  Suggestions?

Though I'm not actively seeking treatments right now, I often think of my fellow sisters in IF.  Evelyn is currently in her 2ww.  I wish her all the best and hope for a wonderful outcome.  

 

The White Whale

I think I've been in a good head space since my BFN.  I haven't contacted the clinic to make an appointment for January yet.  I better get on that soon.  With them being short an RE, I wonder if that will increase wait times.  While treatments have been the furthest from my mind, getting pregnant is still front and center.  I've been tracking my cycle and monitoring all the bodily aches and fluids that we're supposed to monitor.  Sweets and I are still hopeful that things will work out for us.  


With all the pain and turmoil this process has caused, I'm endeavoring to capture my white whale.  Isn't that a fitting metaphor?  Infertility is our Moby Dick.  Infertility viciously attacks our psyches, destroys our confidence and threatens to rip us apart.  I don't want to be Captain Ahab.  I don't want to obsessed to the point where is destroys who I am.


So, as a result, in an effort to maintain my sanity, I hope you don't mind if I mix my blog up with not only musings on my fertility journey, but also with thoughts on my profession.  I've been really exploring and reflecting on myself as a teacher.  My goal is to make my students into well educated, thoughtful, empathetic individuals.  As a result, I've been changing the way I do things. The way I assess my students; the way I deliver the curriculum.  Or perhaps, I'll just create another blog to think these things over.  I'm not sure.  


The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not going to let that White Whale drag me down to the bottom of the ocean.     

What to do next?

Since my most recent BFN, I've been thinking about what to do next.  Sweets wants to jump right into FET #3  but I'm not ready.  Not ready emotionally, physically or financially.  I want to take a break from infertility.  Just for a little while.  Is that possible?  I don't know if I can set it aside for a spell but this is my plan.  


I'm going to take the next few months off.  Since my RE has moved to his own clinic, I have to make an appointment with another RE at my current clinic to discuss the next FET.  My plan is to get in to see the RE in January so that we can discuss a transfer in February.  


Before that transfer, I want to reconnect with my husband (I want to talk about something other than fertility treatments and babies!), my friends, and my work.  I want to exercise, lose some weight and not live my live in 2 week increments.  I want to visit my parents for Christmas and not worry about drinking a glass of wine with Christmas dinner.  I want to be able to buy my husband a decent Christmas gift and not worry about covering the costs of treatments.


If I can just enjoy myself for the next few months, perhaps I'll have a better mindset from my final FET.  Now, if that FET doesn't work, I think I'm done with IVF.  We simply cannot afford another round at this point.  I've been thinking about IUIs with injections.  Before it was out of the question because Sweets's numbers were so low.  But now that his numbers are in the 'normal' range, perhaps that's an option.  While it's still costly, it's more affordable than IVF.  Hopefully the RE will agree. 


Now, if all of this doesn't work, then what?  Sweets hasn't been too keen on adoption.  With that, I guess the only thing is making peace with not being a mother.  I really don't want to go there yet, but it is in the back of my mind.  Of course, I'll mourn the loss of being a mother but what I find equally heartbreaking is that my parents will never be grandparents.  That just kills me.  I so want to make them grandparents.  It pains me that they're not.  It sucks that my brother and his wife have chosen to live childfree while we are struggling to get pregnant.  Argh....  Life sucks sometimes.      

So tired...

of all this infertility bullshit.  You think I would be used to another negative beta, but no.  It's as painful as the first.  


Five IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 FETs and 9 embryos later and all I've got is a fat ass.  I don't know how much more my heart can take.  

Keeping myself busy

Last Sunday, I had my second FET.  It was incredibly routine, nothing out of the ordinary.  The RE was wonderful.  Before this transfer, I hadn't met her in my year at the clinic.  At the day 14 ultrasound, she remarked that I had a beautiful uterus and that my follicles looked good - that I had 6.  I guess that's pretty good?  I don't know.  On the day of the transfer, she was so incredibly thorough when doing the transfer that it took longer than previous ones.  Nothing wrong with being meticulous when you have such precious cargo.  

 As I was being wheeled into the recovery room to relax, the embryologist said, "You're lucky that you had Dr. W.  She's an excellent surgeon."  So here's hoping that Dr. W had the magic touch and one of my 3 little guys has implanted.  

Though everything seemed okay, I was a little concerned that there was some cell loss with two of the embryos.  All three were 3 day 8 cell embryos - 1 was grade 1 and 2 were grade 2.  After thawing, one was still perfect, but the other two experienced loss.  One went from 8 cells to 4 and the other to 2.  The embryologist indicated that they were recovering though so hopefully they continued to split and grow. 

I've been keeping myself pretty busy in the meantime.  In the past I would have taken a couple days off after the transfer to relax but while my body would have been relaxing, my mind would have been stressing out about what was going on at school.  So I made the decision to just relax the day of the transfer and then go back to work.  I think that was the best decision I made. Other than changing patches and putting prometrium up my who ha, I honestly haven't been thinking too much about it.  I'm just trying to go about my day as if nothing had happened.  

Actually it's been so off my mind that there were two mishaps.  The night of the transfer was quite cold.  I turned on the heating pad and put it on my feet.  Sometime, in the middle of the night, I had pulled the heating pad on my torso.  When I woke up I had a mild freak out thinking that I had cooked my embryos.  I didn't feel overheated so I'm crossing my fingers.  Further, the other night I was watching a tv program when it hit me that I hadn't changed my patches that day.  Argh!  I zoomed up the stairs and quickly replaced my patches.  Not much I can do now about it, so I'm trying not to stress.

My beta is on Halloween.  Here's hoping I get a nice treat that day and not another soul deadening trick.     

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  It's so easy to focus and fixate on all the things that we don't have in our lives that we often forget about all the wonderful things surrounding us.  Today I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.

I am thankful for my incredibly thoughtful, loving and supportive husband.  Though we've only been married for seven years, we've been together for almost twenty.  We've grown up together.  And rather than growing apart as we age, we've grown closer than ever.  He's my rock and my light.  I love you Sweets.

I am thankful for my amazing parents.  Really, I have no words to express my gratitude and love for them.  They've been there for me every step of the way.  Whether it was helping me through university, providing me with a room over my head, or comforting me when, once again, my body betrayed me, they have offered me unconditional love and support.  I love you Aiti and Isi.  

I am thankful for my friends.  Whether I need a laugh or a shoulder, I know that I can count on them.   I love you I, J, and S. 

I am thankful for my kitties, my substitute babies.  Not a day goes by without laughter or cuddles.  My boys provide me with an outlet for my need to be a mother.  I love you pudsters.

I am thankful for my job.  I love teaching.  I love working with teenagers.  I love helping them find their path.  Actually, it's not a job; it's a calling.  To hear students say that they look forward to my class all day makes my heart sing.  I love to teach.

I am thankful for my home.  To have a place of our own is just a dream come true.  I love my home. 

I have many things to be thankful for.  It's time to take off my IF blinders and appreciate all that I do have.   I love my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.