of all this infertility bullshit. You think I would be used to another negative beta, but no. It's as painful as the first.
Five IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 FETs and 9 embryos later and all I've got is a fat ass. I don't know how much more my heart can take.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Keeping myself busy
Last Sunday, I had my second FET. It was incredibly routine, nothing out of the ordinary. The RE was wonderful. Before this transfer, I hadn't met her in my year at the clinic. At the day 14 ultrasound, she remarked that I had a beautiful uterus and that my follicles looked good - that I had 6. I guess that's pretty good? I don't know. On the day of the transfer, she was so incredibly thorough when doing the transfer that it took longer than previous ones. Nothing wrong with being meticulous when you have such precious cargo.
As I was being wheeled into the recovery room to relax, the embryologist said, "You're lucky that you had Dr. W. She's an excellent surgeon." So here's hoping that Dr. W had the magic touch and one of my 3 little guys has implanted.
Though everything seemed okay, I was a little concerned that there was some cell loss with two of the embryos. All three were 3 day 8 cell embryos - 1 was grade 1 and 2 were grade 2. After thawing, one was still perfect, but the other two experienced loss. One went from 8 cells to 4 and the other to 2. The embryologist indicated that they were recovering though so hopefully they continued to split and grow.
I've been keeping myself pretty busy in the meantime. In the past I would have taken a couple days off after the transfer to relax but while my body would have been relaxing, my mind would have been stressing out about what was going on at school. So I made the decision to just relax the day of the transfer and then go back to work. I think that was the best decision I made. Other than changing patches and putting prometrium up my who ha, I honestly haven't been thinking too much about it. I'm just trying to go about my day as if nothing had happened.
Actually it's been so off my mind that there were two mishaps. The night of the transfer was quite cold. I turned on the heating pad and put it on my feet. Sometime, in the middle of the night, I had pulled the heating pad on my torso. When I woke up I had a mild freak out thinking that I had cooked my embryos. I didn't feel overheated so I'm crossing my fingers. Further, the other night I was watching a tv program when it hit me that I hadn't changed my patches that day. Argh! I zoomed up the stairs and quickly replaced my patches. Not much I can do now about it, so I'm trying not to stress.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
I am thankful for my amazing parents. Really, I have no words to express my gratitude and love for them. They've been there for me every step of the way. Whether it was helping me through university, providing me with a room over my head, or comforting me when, once again, my body betrayed me, they have offered me unconditional love and support. I love you Aiti and Isi.
I am thankful for my friends. Whether I need a laugh or a shoulder, I know that I can count on them. I love you I, J, and S.
I am thankful for my kitties, my substitute babies. Not a day goes by without laughter or cuddles. My boys provide me with an outlet for my need to be a mother. I love you pudsters.
I am thankful for my job. I love teaching. I love working with teenagers. I love helping them find their path. Actually, it's not a job; it's a calling. To hear students say that they look forward to my class all day makes my heart sing. I love to teach.
I am thankful for my home. To have a place of our own is just a dream come true. I love my home.
I have many things to be thankful for. It's time to take off my IF blinders and appreciate all that I do have. I love my life.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Well..that was uncomfortable
Like any good infertile, I googled the crap out of endometrial biopsy. The reactions to the procedure varied from "that was uncomfortable" to "Oh mother of God this hurts". As you can imagine, my mind immediately went to the "this is going to hurt like a mo'fo" side of things. Driving in today, I was terrified. Sweets is in pre-production on a project and could join me so I was on my own today.
The clinic was hopping. There were a ton of people there. Apparently they've just opened up the clinic to a new program "Pelvic Pain" so I assume a number of the people there were not for fertility treatments but rather pain management or relief. I had a bit of a wait so the new demographic in the clinic allowed for some interesting people watching.
Dr. C and I chatted for a bit. I asked him a few more questions regarding more blood work (immunology) as well as the biopsy. He didn't feel that immunity was our issue. And while there is no conclusive evidence that biopsies lead to better implantation numbers, he would perform the procedure because I asked. Further, he feels that within the next two attempts, I will get pregnant. He was confident in fact. I wish I was as confident as him!
The procedure was super quick but quite uncomfortable. He scraped my uterus 5 times. It was if someone took a window scraper and used it to remove the frost inside me. Ugh... With the first application of the instrument, my uterus cramped up and I immediately started perspiring. Thankfully it only lasted a few minutes. If it continued much longer, I think I would have been incredibly vocal about my pain. As soon as the procedure was over, the cramps subsided. While I'm still experiencing some cramping right now, it's incredibly mild.
Dr. C is starting up his own private clinic. Tomorrow is his last day. He encouraged me to remain at my current clinic for my FETs; however, if they are not successful, he stated that if I wanted to move to his clinic, no referral would be necessary. Though I haven't been successful with him, I do trust him. Granted, he's incredibly cerebral, a little awkward and goofy, he has an excellent reputation in the IF community. I feel quite comfortable at my clinic, but I think that if we have to do IVF #3, we'll be moving to Dr. C's new clinic.
I had to wait a while for my nurse's appointment regarding the FET protocol. It's the same protocol as before so nothing to report there.
The highlight of my visit today? My clinic mom Ra.vi was there today. :) She's awesome. As soon as she saw me, she gave me one of those million dollar smiles and asked how I was doing. Since there was a backlog of patients today, I had to wait a while to see the nurse. During my wait, Ra.vi offered me some of her homemade curry and naan. Delicious! Love Indian food. On my way out, Ra.vi was going on her break. We rode down on the elevator today and she gave me a huge hug before exiting.
She made my day. :)
The clinic was hopping. There were a ton of people there. Apparently they've just opened up the clinic to a new program "Pelvic Pain" so I assume a number of the people there were not for fertility treatments but rather pain management or relief. I had a bit of a wait so the new demographic in the clinic allowed for some interesting people watching.
Dr. C and I chatted for a bit. I asked him a few more questions regarding more blood work (immunology) as well as the biopsy. He didn't feel that immunity was our issue. And while there is no conclusive evidence that biopsies lead to better implantation numbers, he would perform the procedure because I asked. Further, he feels that within the next two attempts, I will get pregnant. He was confident in fact. I wish I was as confident as him!
The procedure was super quick but quite uncomfortable. He scraped my uterus 5 times. It was if someone took a window scraper and used it to remove the frost inside me. Ugh... With the first application of the instrument, my uterus cramped up and I immediately started perspiring. Thankfully it only lasted a few minutes. If it continued much longer, I think I would have been incredibly vocal about my pain. As soon as the procedure was over, the cramps subsided. While I'm still experiencing some cramping right now, it's incredibly mild.
Dr. C is starting up his own private clinic. Tomorrow is his last day. He encouraged me to remain at my current clinic for my FETs; however, if they are not successful, he stated that if I wanted to move to his clinic, no referral would be necessary. Though I haven't been successful with him, I do trust him. Granted, he's incredibly cerebral, a little awkward and goofy, he has an excellent reputation in the IF community. I feel quite comfortable at my clinic, but I think that if we have to do IVF #3, we'll be moving to Dr. C's new clinic.
I had to wait a while for my nurse's appointment regarding the FET protocol. It's the same protocol as before so nothing to report there.
The highlight of my visit today? My clinic mom Ra.vi was there today. :) She's awesome. As soon as she saw me, she gave me one of those million dollar smiles and asked how I was doing. Since there was a backlog of patients today, I had to wait a while to see the nurse. During my wait, Ra.vi offered me some of her homemade curry and naan. Delicious! Love Indian food. On my way out, Ra.vi was going on her break. We rode down on the elevator today and she gave me a huge hug before exiting.
She made my day. :)
Monday, September 26, 2011
So the story goes....
I had my WTF appointment today. Unfortunately I had to miss one of my favourite lesson plans on Stalin and the Purges today because I couldn't get a later appointment. Argh...I hate planning for a TOC (Teacher on Call). It's always double the work to plan for someone else.
Dr. C was rather prompt which was unusual. He typically runs about 15 mins late. We went over my latest failure. I know that fertility isn't an exact science, but it's a little frustrating when your RE looks at your charts and doesn't know why you're not getting pregnant. My follicles developed at a uniform rate which is what they want. Of the 12 retrieved, 10 fertilized. All but 1 of our 10 eggs were 8 cells on day 3. The majority were either grade 1 or 2 with only one grade 4. Even Sweets's count was the highest it's ever been. When we first started down this path a year ago, his samples were in the 1 to 5 million range. We kept telling ourselves, "It takes only one." This time his sample was at 48 million. Huge difference! Morphology appears to be the main issue now with his numbers being "borderline" as my RE put it. This cycle, for the most part, was an excellent cycle. The only problem was that it wasn't successful. And my RE doesn't know why. I suppose we can now be moved from the "Male Factor" category to the "Unexplained" category.
He seemed a bit rushed today, so I had to slow him down so that he could answer my questions. The main thing I wanted to know was whether an endometrial biopsy would be beneficial. He stated that there is no conclusive evidence that it's beneficial as there have been only limited studies done on this. However, if I wanted to get one done, he would do it. That was easy. So on Thursday I'm going in (missing another freaking day of work!) to get my uterus scraped. I'm sure it's as painful as it sounds. With all the torture I've put my body through, I hope to God that my baby when he/she is older appreciates the havoc my body has endured!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
F.M.L.
Welcome to my mish-mash post.
After about a week of OPKs, I have concluded that I ovulated early this cycle. About 5 days early. Frick and frack! That freaking ship has sailed this month. On top of that, Sweets was away on business when I think I ovulated. So unless I'm a candidate for immaculate conception, there is no BFP coming this month.
To add insult to freaking injury, I had to drop a huge wad of cash today for some dental work. I'm a clencher. At night, I clench my teeth and my back molars are almost ground down to the gums. So attractive, I know. Today I spent 2.5 hours in the dentist's chair preparing my teeth for new crowns. To be honest, my mother took pity on me and gifted me the money. She knows how expensive our fertility treatments are so she wanted to help lift some of the burden. I'm back in two weeks to get the permanent crowns put in. Good times.
On the work front, I've got this new kid in my History 12 class. He joined us after the uber lesson I mentioned earlier. He's an interesting kid but some issues have been coming up. For instance, during our current events discussion he thought it would be appropriate to make an anti-Semitic joke. Seriously? He looked at me and said, "Hey, you're smiling." My response? "No. This is the look of disdain and contempt." Redundant I know but I wanted to get my point across. Yesterday he mentioned that he couldn't wait to turn 18 so that he could go to a strip club. Huh? Since when do strip clubs let 18 year olds in? Well apparently there's one club that only serves non-alcoholic beverages! Then today, after he and another new student (both transfers from the same school) tried chatting up my student teacher - a cute as a button 26 year old - he challenged his friend by saying, "I'll give you $20 if you tap that." WTF is wrong with this kid? So he's anti-Semitic and sexist. What's next? Is he going to call someone a "f.ag" or a "dy.ke"? Maybe push the kids in wheelchairs down some stairs? In what reality does he think that this behaviour is okay? Definitely not in my classroom! So tomorrow I'm going to have to have a "chat" with him about his comments and make it clear that there is a difference between what is appropriate for school discussion and what needs to be kept to himself. He can think whatever he wants but he cannot spew that bigoted and sexist crap in my class. Ugh. As I've mentioned before, I love teaching. I just hate dealing with some of the shit that comes along with it.
After about a week of OPKs, I have concluded that I ovulated early this cycle. About 5 days early. Frick and frack! That freaking ship has sailed this month. On top of that, Sweets was away on business when I think I ovulated. So unless I'm a candidate for immaculate conception, there is no BFP coming this month.
To add insult to freaking injury, I had to drop a huge wad of cash today for some dental work. I'm a clencher. At night, I clench my teeth and my back molars are almost ground down to the gums. So attractive, I know. Today I spent 2.5 hours in the dentist's chair preparing my teeth for new crowns. To be honest, my mother took pity on me and gifted me the money. She knows how expensive our fertility treatments are so she wanted to help lift some of the burden. I'm back in two weeks to get the permanent crowns put in. Good times.
On the work front, I've got this new kid in my History 12 class. He joined us after the uber lesson I mentioned earlier. He's an interesting kid but some issues have been coming up. For instance, during our current events discussion he thought it would be appropriate to make an anti-Semitic joke. Seriously? He looked at me and said, "Hey, you're smiling." My response? "No. This is the look of disdain and contempt." Redundant I know but I wanted to get my point across. Yesterday he mentioned that he couldn't wait to turn 18 so that he could go to a strip club. Huh? Since when do strip clubs let 18 year olds in? Well apparently there's one club that only serves non-alcoholic beverages! Then today, after he and another new student (both transfers from the same school) tried chatting up my student teacher - a cute as a button 26 year old - he challenged his friend by saying, "I'll give you $20 if you tap that." WTF is wrong with this kid? So he's anti-Semitic and sexist. What's next? Is he going to call someone a "f.ag" or a "dy.ke"? Maybe push the kids in wheelchairs down some stairs? In what reality does he think that this behaviour is okay? Definitely not in my classroom! So tomorrow I'm going to have to have a "chat" with him about his comments and make it clear that there is a difference between what is appropriate for school discussion and what needs to be kept to himself. He can think whatever he wants but he cannot spew that bigoted and sexist crap in my class. Ugh. As I've mentioned before, I love teaching. I just hate dealing with some of the shit that comes along with it.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Oh. Come on!
I know that IVF messes with your cycle. I know this, but man am I frustrated/worried/concerned that I haven't had my LH surge yet. Since CD 11, I've been using clear.blue to monitor my ovulation and have been testing. There's been a faint second line since that first day, but it appears to be fading. WTF? Fading? Did I ovulate super early? I did experience increased CM about 3 days ago but that's reduced now. Am I not going to ovulate at all? Tomorrow is CD 16 and it's my last testing strip. Just ovulate already!
On Friday we had our staff "welcome back" party at a colleague's house. About a month ago, one our colleagues married. With marriage inevitably comes the question, "When are you going to have babies?" I think she handled it well. Others were joking, "Oh you'll be pregnant in a year." And she said, "Only if it's a surprise." Another lady popped up and said, "Aren't all babies a surprise?" The majority of the women started to agree and I felt compelled to say something. "No not really. Not all babies are surprises." Some of my close friends at work know what we're dealing with but this lady is the wife of a colleague so she has no clue about my fertility struggles. For some reason she felt the need to repeat, "All babies are surprises." And once again I said, "No. Not all babies are surprises. Some are incredibly planned." Thankfully the topic shifted to something else after that. I truly hope my friend doesn't have any issues conceiving when she finally makes the decision to do so. Infertility is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
On Friday we had our staff "welcome back" party at a colleague's house. About a month ago, one our colleagues married. With marriage inevitably comes the question, "When are you going to have babies?" I think she handled it well. Others were joking, "Oh you'll be pregnant in a year." And she said, "Only if it's a surprise." Another lady popped up and said, "Aren't all babies a surprise?" The majority of the women started to agree and I felt compelled to say something. "No not really. Not all babies are surprises." Some of my close friends at work know what we're dealing with but this lady is the wife of a colleague so she has no clue about my fertility struggles. For some reason she felt the need to repeat, "All babies are surprises." And once again I said, "No. Not all babies are surprises. Some are incredibly planned." Thankfully the topic shifted to something else after that. I truly hope my friend doesn't have any issues conceiving when she finally makes the decision to do so. Infertility is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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