The Waiting Game

About 4 years ago, J, one of my BFFs, confided in me that she planned on getting pregnant.  Being the type A personality that she is, she researched everything possible about pregnancy, miscarriages and even planned her pregnancy around the school calendar.  One day during lunch, she stated that SC (sweet cheeks) and I should really consider getting started.  With me being a year older, my fertility was on a downward spiral and the older I get, the higher the likelihood of miscarriages and chromosonal disorders.  I knew this.  She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but while I was ready to be a mother, SC wasn't ready for fatherhood yet.  Fast forward four years, J has two beautiful children; SC and I are still in waiting mode.  


I have spent my life waiting for him to be ready.  SC and I have been together for almost 20 years.  We were engaged for 10.  Granted, we were both being logical and pragmatic about marriage; we both had new careers and little job security.  We didn't want to be financial burdens to one another.  But honestly, if I hadn't stated to him that we're getting married in 2004, I think we would still be engaged.  He was happy with the way things were.  Maintaining the status quo.  After the wedding, I waited for him to be ready to be a father.  There were many tears shed during those years.  I so badly wanted to become a mother.  He seemed to believe that because his mother had had him at 40, that we would conceive quickly and without difficulty.  Finally in 2008, he warmed up to the idea and in 2009, he acknowledged that it was time to try.  He was ready for fatherhood.  Now in retrospect, if we could turn back time, we would have started TTC in 2005.  At least then, we would have had more time to try.  More time.  


Don't get me wrong, while I do harbour some resentment, SC is the love of my life and I cannot imagine my life with anyone else.  He makes my heart sing.  He makes me laugh.  He challenges and inspires me.  He is my world and I am his.  And yes, he's a bit of a paradox.  So spontaneous in some ways, but so cautious in others.              


I wish I could say that 2011 would be the end of waiting.  Unfortunately, it's going to be the year of waiting.  Waiting to see my RE.  Waiting to start my medications.  Waiting for blood work and ultrasounds.  Waiting for retrieval and transfer.  Waiting to see if it worked.  Just one big waiting game.  


Moving into 2011, I acknowledge that this waiting game will be like one I've never played before; however, it is a year full of hope and possibilities.  If it ends with a little one in my arms, then I don't mind waiting.  





With that, I want to wish everyone a very happy new year.  May all of us who are playing this same waiting game, end up victorious in the end.