Infertility Infographic

I just came across this.  Interesting.  I've read that in the States infertility hits 1 in 8 couples.  Strange that in Canada it's 1 in 6.  Huh.

Infertility Infographic

Happy 145th Canada!

I love Canada Day.  I love Canada.  When teaching History and Social Studies, I am so incredibly grateful to live in this wonderful, peaceful nation.  Of course there are things I would love to change, but when you consider the economic free fall in Greece and the civil war in Syria, gosh darn it.  We're freaking lucky to live in Canada.  Yes, my mortgage is astronomical but at least I have a beautiful home.  Yes, I pay a lot in taxes, but I don't have to worry about losing my home if I get sick.  Yes, the weather sucks, but hey, I live in a lush rain forest with gorgeous mountains and fresh air.  There are so many wonderful things in this country.  If you watched the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics, you may recall Shane Koyczan's "We Are More."  Here is an abridged version of his fabulous poem.      

Now on to the baby making business.  I had my biopsy a couple of weeks ago (holy ow!) and have transported the embryos to the new clinic.  Biggest bump so far?  The new clinic likes its patients to have a TSH below 2.5.  My TSH have been all over the map.  I had it tested about 3 weeks ago and it was 2.9 but after 3 weeks of synthyroid, it went up to 3.4.  WTF?  Seriously?  I had a momentary break down thinking that my FET would be pushed back yet again, but thankfully we'll be able to proceed.  The doctor had me up my medications a little.  Let's hope that does the trick.  The protocol is a little different from my original clinic.  Rather than patches, I'll be taking a pill.  The progesterone is still vaginal suppositories but it's a different brand than what I've used in the past.  I have an estimated transfer date of the 18th.  I'll be interested to see how my body reacts to the different medication. 


Between now and transfer, I have summer school start up, a 6th birthday party to attend, and a wedding to go to.   With summer school, I'm teaching English 8, which I haven't taught since 2005, and English 11, which I've never taught.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends/colleagues who have given me a lot of their lesson plans so I'm not completely starting from scratch.  There is a lot to keep me preoccupied before transfer.  I hope everything goes well and there are no set backs!


Happy Canada Day everyone!      


  





  

Excellent On Paper

It's been a busy week and finally I can breathe a sigh of relief.  The toast to the grads went really well.  I really hate public speaking but I was willing to suck it up for these students.  I did mention the students who had created the care package for me and thanked them for that.  My goal was to be vague about the circumstances surrounding it.  Rather than saying that I suffered from a failed IVF cycle, I stated that I was going through one of the darkest moments in my life and that their kind gesture will stay with me forever.  After the speech, the girls ran up to me with tears in their eyes and we shared a massive group hug.  One of their mothers, who is also a nurse, came up to me and thanked me.  I divulged to her the circumstances of my sadness and said to her, "You have no clue how much that small gesture from your daughter meant to me."  Such a wonderful group of kids.  I'm going to miss them.  I love teaching.  

Seriously, what a view!

I received an early morning phone call on Thursday.  Our new doctor, Dr. N.  wanted to know if we could come in earlier for our appointment.  Sweets is a night owl so I was a little concerned that he wouldn't be up in time.  Thankfully that wasn't an issue and we got to all of our appointments on time.  And wow, what a difference in real estate when you're going from a public clinic, an old wing in a hospital with tiny windowless offices, to a private clinic, prime downtown real estate with amazing views of the city and mountains.  Dr. N. was great.  Very genial and on the ball.  I've been concerned with my thyroid levels for a while but the REs at the other clinic didn't seem to think it was a problem.  Dr. N.  immediately flagged it in my chart.  My TSH level was 3.7 last time (it's been as high as 5.2) and ideally it should be no higher than 2.5  So could this be my problem?  Hypothyroidism runs rampant in my family - my father, mother, aunts, grandparents...  And now finally someone is listening to me.  

Dr. N.  looked at my last cycle and stated that everything looked "excellent on paper."  Great that it all looks good on paper, but will I get pregnant?  According to Dr. N., he feels that I'll get pregnant.  But that's what my origin RE said too.  And here I am 2 IVFs, 2 FETs, and 9 embryos later.  Still no baby.  

But I'm hopeful.  Apparently Dr. N was recruited from a clinic from the States.  And from all the comments I read about him online.  Past patients state that he's kind, compassionate, attentive.  But I just want to know, will he make me a mother?  

We'll be doing an endometrial biopsy on the 22nd and either that day or the next week, I'll pick up my embryos from the other clinic and ship them over to the new clinic.  Right now, it looks like we're going to be transferring the last two embryos in early July.  My BFF suggested I wait until after our girls' 40th birthday trip to Mexico for the transfer but looking at my cycle, that would put off the transfer until September and I'm not prepared to wait that long.  I've waited long enough and she doesn't understand that.   She doesn't want kids.  Never has.  So while she's there to support me that comment of "Wait until after Mexico" shows me that she really has no bloody clue how painful this process is.   Just goes to show that even those who support you really are ignorant to how much trauma infertility can cause.

With that said, I feel cautiously optimistic.  Dr. N. has put got me thinking "maybe one day" rather than the "never" I've been feeling.  And I would like to be really positive and know that it'll all work out, but I know what pain can be waiting for me if things don't.  

New adventures and some silly struggles

Tomorrow I meet my new doctor.  I had hoped that my original clinic would be up and running soon, but unfortunately the IVF lab has been completely shut down as a result of poor air quality.  So tomorrow we're off to the new clinic.  I'm a little nervous, but quite hopeful.  This clinic is quite well known nationally, the RE I'm meeting with is American and has great reviews, and the people I know who have been to this clinic have been successful.  I hope they can work their magic and get my last two embryos to stick.  I'll update my blog once I have a better idea of what the protocol is and when this is going to happen (I'm day 2 of my cycle right now! Argh!).  


In other news,  I've been nominated by the graduating class to give the toast to the grads on Friday.  I've known about this for a month and have been constructing the speech mentally but I've been having a lot of problems articulating my ideas on paper.  When the principal informed me that the grads had asked me to speak at the ceremony, she mentioned that they knew that I would deliver it with a lot of emotion.  I teach from the heart and often I show emotion in the class when moved.  Yes, there are often tears in my class.   How do I bundle all my love and appreciation for this group in a short speech?  After my first IVF failure, a group of girls saw my pain and made me a care package.  So incredibly thoughtful and I still tear up thinking about it.  How do I share that without sharing the reason for my pain?  Ugh....Writer's block!  It has to be funny, touching, thoughtful.  I'm usually the type of person who wings speeches but this is one speech that cannot be winged.  What to do?  What to do?  

Mother's Day Blues

Infertility is difficult to deal with on any old day.  Mother's Day is the worst.  Yes, I take the time to recognize the awesomeness of my own mother, my Aiti.  She deserves all the accolades I can muster.  But while everyone else is enjoying special breakfasts, brunches, and bouquets, I'm only reminded of my failure to join that special mommy club.  Never did I think that I would be 40 and childless.  Never.  Yet here I am.  A childless mother.   


So, to all of you suffering silently today while others celebrate and "Happy Mother's Day" updates overwhelm your Twitter or Facebook pages, I'm sending you a massive cyber hug and hoping that soon all of us will be able to partake in the celebrations.  

What to do?

Since my appointment with Dr. R earlier in the year, I've been in a holding pattern.  In our conversation, I was told that I would have to wait until the end of April for my FET.  I was disappointed as I was hoping to get in during April but I sucked it up and dealt with it.  Well, I called in day 1 of my cycle today and received another disappointment.  The renovations haven't been completed and they have no clue when they'll be completed.  So FET #3 is once again put on hold.  The nurse, while incredibly apologetic, essentially gave me two options.  Wait until the renovations are done or have my embryos transferred to another clinic.  

What do I do?  I felt so encouraged by my appointment with Dr. R.  I really felt confident with his assessment of my situation and thought that his plan was what I needed (full endometrial biopsy + injection day of transfer to stop cramping).  Regardless, I'll have to wait for the referral to go through if I go to another clinic.  I'll have to wait for the lab to be renovated.  I don't know what to do.  With  my 40th birthday coming up next week, my anxiety is through the room.  Will I ever be a mom?  <sigh>  I hate this shit.  

Everyone but me

If you're reading this, you're probably one of the many people suffering from infertility.  And you've probably lamented how it seems like everyone is pregnant except for you.  Right?  Well, I know how you feel.  I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women. And recently one of my close friends joined their ranks.  

Courtesy of Google Images

K and I are very close in age, only about a week apart.  She moved back to Canada after spending almost a decade working in the States.  Moving back was all about her making a better and a fuller life.  In the time span a year, K has found a new job, moved back to Canada, and entered into a new relationship.  She's a wonderful person who never knew if love would come her way.  Thankfully A came into her life.  They've been together for a year now and she's madly in love.  I'm so happy for her.  


She knows that I've been trying to get pregnant; knows about all our struggles.  Yesterday she invited me over for lunch and she spilled the beans.  "I'm pregnant."  At first I wanted to cry, and then I remembered that this was not about me.  Her being pregnant has nothing to do with my infertility.  She was afraid to tell me.  She was worried I would be upset.  And I was.  I am.  Like many people who suffer with infertility, it just seems like everyone is pregnant but me.  K hardly ever sees her bf because he works out of town 3 weeks at a time.  Sweets and I time our intimate moments and still no dice.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her.  She deserves to be happy.  To be a mother.  I just wish I could join her.  


K is a big believer in "The Secret".  The idea that you have to put out positive energy and it'll come back to you.  She said that she's been visualizing herself pregnant, in the hospital, pushing a stroller.  She insists that I start to do that too.  I don't know.  I tried it, but I'm having trouble seeing it.  Perhaps it's because the optimism has been removed from my heart.  All the pain of the disappointments have scarred me in some way, preventing me from seeing things on the other side.   


I don't know how this will change our relationship. I love K dearly but I don't know if I can constantly listen to the baby talk.  I want to be the good friend but how?  How do you celebrate a friend's "surprise" pregnancy while you're suffering?  Argh...