Pity party for 1

After tossing and turning all last night (too many vivid dreams!), I woke up feeling a little blue.  I don't know if it's the crinone but I just feel blue and I feel like my head is spinning. 

• What if this doesn't work?  
• What if our embryos don't make it to day 5?  
• What if there's nothing to freeze?  
• Will this be our last chance?
• What if I'm never a mother?
• How does Sweets feel about the possibility of never being a father? 

Thankfully, my parents were so generous and gave us some money for this cycle, but we won't be able to afford another cycle unless we go into debt for it.  We've already got a massive mortgage - doesn't everyone who lives in Vancouver and the Lower Mainland? - and with Sweets struggling to get work, I don't know how much debt we can carry.  For goodness sakes, we can't even afford to buy new furniture.  Currently the front room of our townhouse is vacant.  A couple book shelves, an arm chair, a mirror, Sweets's awards and a whole bunch of cat toys are the only things you'll find in that space.  When we moved in here in March 2010, we had dreams of furnishing it, making it look amazing - comfortable yet stylish.  With two spare bedrooms upstairs, we could have a nursery and a guest room.   Well the nursery has only been used when our kitties needed time outs (Tonkinese in trouble and the outcome Peace in our time ) but the spare room has seen a few visitors.  While Sweets and I love our home, it feels so incomplete in so many ways.  Whether it's the lack of furniture or the lack of a baby, it feels so unfinished.   

Infertility has taken away so many of our dreams.  I don't want it to "win" but what if it does?

Speaking of dreams.  I had so many dreams last night.  Though I can't remember all of them, I recall snippets.  I know for one, I went back to my classroom to find 10 more students added and two parents decided that they wanted to sit in on the class.  I wasn't completely prepared, so I winged the lesson. I *think* it was about the causes of World War II.  In another dream, I was working backstage at a Celine Dion concert when I was suddenly given the opportunity to sing "River Deep, Mountain High" with her on stage.  Strange.  And I know there was another one, something about Zeus eating the dryer sheet and me having to clean up his vomit but finding it difficult because I was pregnant and couldn't bend over very well.   Where these dreams came from is obvious - I'm back to work tomorrow and my lesson is about the causes of WWII; I watched a Celine Dion special the other day; Zeus is always eating things he shouldn't; I want to be pregnant.  There's nothing to analyse, but they were just so vivid.

With that, I'll leave you all with my song of the day.  It's the Dixie Chicks "So Hard".  Martie Maguire and Emily Robison struggled with infertility and were only able to conceived via IVF.  The video is a wee bit emo but the song is powerful.