It's a beautiful day here and I really can't enjoy it.
Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and a fetal pole. Unfortunately it measured a week behind. So I guess the spotting I experienced last week may have signalled the end of this pregnancy? While I never truly allowed my heart to open up to this pregnancy, I still feel gutted. I mean, it was a long shot. First the super heavy bleed that happened. Then the low first beta. To have had it double was a miracle. Even this last 3rd beta fell within the doubling time parameters. It truly would have been a miracle had it continue to progress. I was hoping for a miracle.
Sweets and I haven't really spoken about it. I went upstairs and cried. He remained downstairs. We're both wounded.
Unless bleeding starts between now and Thursday, I'm going in for a repeat ultrasound. I have 3 options: natural miscarriage, a D &C, or medication to hasten the miscarriage. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Tomorrow I get my hair done. It should be a nice relaxing event but my BFF just tole me that our hairdresser is pregnant. So it'll be a tough couple of hours tomorrow. Thankfully my BFF and I are going to a movie afterwards. Hopefully that'll preoccupy my mind for a bit.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
The Snail's Pace of a Small Town
I'm always taken aback when I visit my parents. I live in one of the fastest growing cities in Can.ada so when I venture up to north to my small hometown, it is a bit of culture shock. For instance, today I went to the hospital for my third beta. The front clerk seemed a little confused as to why I had two doctors on my requisition.
Yes. She is my G.P.
Yes. He is the doctor who ordered the blood work.
Yes. The results go to both of them.
No. I don't have a doctor here.
No. I've never been here before.
Yes. I'm visiting family.
As she's asking me these questions, the stereo is blaring quite loudly causing her to ask me to repeat my responses several times. Ummm....did professionalism come here to die?
After a twenty minute wait, I was finally called in. The diminutive lab tech asked all the questions to confirm that I was who I claimed to be. Then she asked about why my blood work had "STAT" on it. I explained that it's a pregnancy test to see if my pregnancy is developing.
"Oh! How many weeks are you?"
"Just six weeks."
"Well congratulations! You must be so excited."
How do you explain to the regular fertile world that it's tough to celebrate a pregnancy so soon?That everything hinges on blood work and ultrasounds?
The lab tech did a great job taking my blood (didn't feel a thing) but then she mentioned that the blood work would be sent to the lab in the next community and that I'll get my test results by Wednesday. Wednesday? I've become accustomed to getting results the same day. I fly home on Wednesday. I hope to have my results before then.
I'm not sure if the symptoms I'm feeling are as a result of a pregnancy or the progesterone. Breasts are crazy sore. I feel nauseous as if there is always something just as the back of my throat. Yesterday I was eating a sandwich for breakfast, and suddenly it tasted horrible! Like fish - it was turkey and Swiss cheese. I started to gag and almost threw up. My complexion has been horrible. I rarely breakout but have been having to deal with acne lately. Recently, I've had a metallic-like taste in my mouth like iron or blood. I've had quite a bit of mild cramping especially in the morning. Last Friday, I did experience some spotting. My clinic told me to put my feet up and relax. It stopped after a while and I haven't had any spotting since. And now, I feel a migraine brewing. Typically I have migraines when I'm about to get my period - the surge in hormones. Obviously, if I'm still pregnant, there is a whirlwind of hormones surging though my body. I'm not sure if progesterone can explain all these symptoms.
And now I wait again. I hope that the lab gets those results in sooner than Wednesday. Fingers crossed that my levels have continued to double.
Yes. She is my G.P.
Yes. He is the doctor who ordered the blood work.
Yes. The results go to both of them.
No. I don't have a doctor here.
No. I've never been here before.
Yes. I'm visiting family.
As she's asking me these questions, the stereo is blaring quite loudly causing her to ask me to repeat my responses several times. Ummm....did professionalism come here to die?
After a twenty minute wait, I was finally called in. The diminutive lab tech asked all the questions to confirm that I was who I claimed to be. Then she asked about why my blood work had "STAT" on it. I explained that it's a pregnancy test to see if my pregnancy is developing.
"Oh! How many weeks are you?"
"Just six weeks."
"Well congratulations! You must be so excited."
How do you explain to the regular fertile world that it's tough to celebrate a pregnancy so soon?That everything hinges on blood work and ultrasounds?
The lab tech did a great job taking my blood (didn't feel a thing) but then she mentioned that the blood work would be sent to the lab in the next community and that I'll get my test results by Wednesday. Wednesday? I've become accustomed to getting results the same day. I fly home on Wednesday. I hope to have my results before then.
I'm not sure if the symptoms I'm feeling are as a result of a pregnancy or the progesterone. Breasts are crazy sore. I feel nauseous as if there is always something just as the back of my throat. Yesterday I was eating a sandwich for breakfast, and suddenly it tasted horrible! Like fish - it was turkey and Swiss cheese. I started to gag and almost threw up. My complexion has been horrible. I rarely breakout but have been having to deal with acne lately. Recently, I've had a metallic-like taste in my mouth like iron or blood. I've had quite a bit of mild cramping especially in the morning. Last Friday, I did experience some spotting. My clinic told me to put my feet up and relax. It stopped after a while and I haven't had any spotting since. And now, I feel a migraine brewing. Typically I have migraines when I'm about to get my period - the surge in hormones. Obviously, if I'm still pregnant, there is a whirlwind of hormones surging though my body. I'm not sure if progesterone can explain all these symptoms.
And now I wait again. I hope that the lab gets those results in sooner than Wednesday. Fingers crossed that my levels have continued to double.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Great White North
If you long for peace and quiet, I recommend a trip to northern B.C. I've only been here a day and I'm already bored with the slow pace of life. I love visiting my parents but this sleepy town is too sleepy.
Plus, it's freezing up here! Granted it was chilly in the lower mainland when I left but it's snowing up here! What's that all about? Isn't it supposed to be Spring? it was as if someone had put this town in a snow globe and shook it up. And honestly, living in the lower mainland, I haven't seen snow since November. Ugh..
I told my parents. Like Sweets and me, they're cautious about celebrating. My mother had two miscarriages before having my brother so she understands how delicate the situation can be. I can sense how excited she is but she's definitely holding it in. My dad was very much like my dad. He looked at me and said, "Good. That's good news."
I went by the hospital today to ask when I should go in on Monday for my blood work. I have to remind myself, the pace of life is very different here. She told me to come in between 1-2pm because that's when things slow down. In the morning, priority is given to people who have fasted the night before. So coming in at 7am simply means I'll be waiting until all the priority tests have been administered. I told the clerk that I can't have it at 1pm as the clinic likes to have their results earlier in the day. She then recommended that I come in at 10am and bring a book. Since she could sense my urgency, she did offer to have me do the blood test today. Tempting but I refused.
I hope the clinic will get the results in a timely fashion. Normally I can go online and see my results. With this being at the hospital and not my regular lab, I will only get my results when the clinic calls. Pins and needles. That's what I'll be sitting on!
I've noticed that my breasts have become more tender. Absolutely zero tenderness up until 2 days ago. That's one of the reasons why I didn't think this cycle had worked (well on top of the absolute gush I experienced). I've noticed slight cramping and twinges as well.
Next week is going to be anxiety ridden. On Monday, my third beta results. Then on Thursday, I have my ultrasound. I've already been having bad dreams of bleeding and empty sacs. I really wish I could be like a regular woman who has discovered she's pregnant. Do regular fertile women have such dreams? Do they worry about their first ultrasounds as much as we, the infertile, do? Do you think that the knowledge we've accumulated during our fertility journeys increases our levels of paranoia?
Plus, it's freezing up here! Granted it was chilly in the lower mainland when I left but it's snowing up here! What's that all about? Isn't it supposed to be Spring? it was as if someone had put this town in a snow globe and shook it up. And honestly, living in the lower mainland, I haven't seen snow since November. Ugh..
I told my parents. Like Sweets and me, they're cautious about celebrating. My mother had two miscarriages before having my brother so she understands how delicate the situation can be. I can sense how excited she is but she's definitely holding it in. My dad was very much like my dad. He looked at me and said, "Good. That's good news."
I went by the hospital today to ask when I should go in on Monday for my blood work. I have to remind myself, the pace of life is very different here. She told me to come in between 1-2pm because that's when things slow down. In the morning, priority is given to people who have fasted the night before. So coming in at 7am simply means I'll be waiting until all the priority tests have been administered. I told the clerk that I can't have it at 1pm as the clinic likes to have their results earlier in the day. She then recommended that I come in at 10am and bring a book. Since she could sense my urgency, she did offer to have me do the blood test today. Tempting but I refused.
I hope the clinic will get the results in a timely fashion. Normally I can go online and see my results. With this being at the hospital and not my regular lab, I will only get my results when the clinic calls. Pins and needles. That's what I'll be sitting on!
I've noticed that my breasts have become more tender. Absolutely zero tenderness up until 2 days ago. That's one of the reasons why I didn't think this cycle had worked (well on top of the absolute gush I experienced). I've noticed slight cramping and twinges as well.
Next week is going to be anxiety ridden. On Monday, my third beta results. Then on Thursday, I have my ultrasound. I've already been having bad dreams of bleeding and empty sacs. I really wish I could be like a regular woman who has discovered she's pregnant. Do regular fertile women have such dreams? Do they worry about their first ultrasounds as much as we, the infertile, do? Do you think that the knowledge we've accumulated during our fertility journeys increases our levels of paranoia?
Monday, March 18, 2013
You've got to be kidding!
Received my second beta today.
Good thing I'm not a Math teacher. I thought doubling time was every 24 hours, but I guess it has to double every 48 hours.
My beta came back at 555.
Wowzers.
I'm pregnant. It was 45 six days ago. The doubling time is 1.7 days. Is that good? Is that on par?
I cant believe I'm freaking pregnant!
Good thing I'm not a Math teacher. I thought doubling time was every 24 hours, but I guess it has to double every 48 hours.
My beta came back at 555.
Wowzers.
I'm pregnant. It was 45 six days ago. The doubling time is 1.7 days. Is that good? Is that on par?
I cant believe I'm freaking pregnant!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Limbo Continues
Limbo sucks.
The clinic has asked me to continue with my progesterone until Monday when I get my next beta. I don't know why, but my clinic has patients do their betas a week apart. I was hoping I could go in sooner. The cramps have stopped. The spotting somewhat continues.
I have big union meeting this weekend. I'm not much of a unionista but after our rather messy battle with the provincial government last year, I decided to get more involved mainly because I want to gather information and make decisions myself. I'm not keen on the "spin" some union reps give me. Anyway, I was hoping for a firm "yah" or "nay" on the viability before this weekend. I don't want spend the whole weekend with the second beta on the back of my mind.
If it doubles from the last beta it would be around *2880. Not sure if it'll get there but it's possible. One woman on the ivf.ca forum had 46 as her first beta, was told to expect to miscarry, but then her numbers climbed. She's due next week. So it is possible but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.
The clinic has asked me to continue with my progesterone until Monday when I get my next beta. I don't know why, but my clinic has patients do their betas a week apart. I was hoping I could go in sooner. The cramps have stopped. The spotting somewhat continues.
I have big union meeting this weekend. I'm not much of a unionista but after our rather messy battle with the provincial government last year, I decided to get more involved mainly because I want to gather information and make decisions myself. I'm not keen on the "spin" some union reps give me. Anyway, I was hoping for a firm "yah" or "nay" on the viability before this weekend. I don't want spend the whole weekend with the second beta on the back of my mind.
If it doubles from the last beta it would be around *2880. Not sure if it'll get there but it's possible. One woman on the ivf.ca forum had 46 as her first beta, was told to expect to miscarry, but then her numbers climbed. She's due next week. So it is possible but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
HPT Update.
After yesterday's "holy crap" moment, I went and purchased two FRER. I don't know how I didn't take the test last night but I held back. Sweets wanted me to but I refused. I wanted to wait until the morning.
Guess what?
Two lines. Two freaking lines.
It's very faint again. But unlike the cheapie test from yesterday, I could see the line developing quite quickly. Yesterday, it wasn't there, hence the tossing in the bin.
How can I possibly be pregnant after a full of period? Granted the flow never became icky and clotty like it normally does. It remained quite pinkish red all throughout. But the fact that I bled so strong, and for so long causes me pause. Could this be a repeat of the chemical pregnancy of last August? The line is quite pale but it's there.
I think FRER tests anything at 25. So since it's so pale, does it mean that my levels are low? That concerns me. My beta is on Tuesday so I'll know what's up then. My clinic likes to see numbers over 100 for their betas. With my last beta is was in the low 40s, did not double, and was not viable.
Has anyone ever had faint line but had a viable pregnancy?
Wow. This is all so incredibly messed up. If I was a "regular" fertile person, the faint line wouldn't phase me. Sad how infertility warps so many things in our lives.
Well ladies, please send me any good wishes, vibes, or prayers you can. I definitely need them!
Guess what?
Two lines. Two freaking lines.
It's very faint again. But unlike the cheapie test from yesterday, I could see the line developing quite quickly. Yesterday, it wasn't there, hence the tossing in the bin.
How can I possibly be pregnant after a full of period? Granted the flow never became icky and clotty like it normally does. It remained quite pinkish red all throughout. But the fact that I bled so strong, and for so long causes me pause. Could this be a repeat of the chemical pregnancy of last August? The line is quite pale but it's there.
I think FRER tests anything at 25. So since it's so pale, does it mean that my levels are low? That concerns me. My beta is on Tuesday so I'll know what's up then. My clinic likes to see numbers over 100 for their betas. With my last beta is was in the low 40s, did not double, and was not viable.
Has anyone ever had faint line but had a viable pregnancy?
Wow. This is all so incredibly messed up. If I was a "regular" fertile person, the faint line wouldn't phase me. Sad how infertility warps so many things in our lives.
Well ladies, please send me any good wishes, vibes, or prayers you can. I definitely need them!
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