Really?
You're telling ME of all people that you hate being pregnant?
Seriously?
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I've gone into maternity stores, buying maternity clothes, buying baby clothes....
I've endeavoured to be a good, supportive friend.
I've set aside the fact that it hurts me to be doing all of these things.
I've set aside my pain because I know that she needs me.
But to complain about being pregnant to your friend who is suffering from infertility is just plain narcissistic and ignorant.
I looked at her and said, "I know you hate being pregnant, but I would do anything to be in your shoes."
I think she realized what she said at that point and just shut her mouth. A few long minutes passed and she said, "I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant. Don't get me wrong. I was just a friend speaking to a friend about how she felt."
I acknowledged her feelings. But I don't recall her acknowledging mine.
I wish she would just try to put herself in my shoes.
She has no clue how much infertility hurts.
How it has the ability to steal your light, your happiness.
But I don't think she ever will.
I don't think she has a clue about how I feel.
About how much it hurts.
Unfortunately unless people have walked this road, they generally do not understand. I am so sorry, ever more so because she tried to turn her screw-up around on you. You are a good friend.
ReplyDeleteThat was a very insensitive remark on her part, and I don't buy the "I am just telling a friend" comment. If she is your friend she should be sensitive to your feelings too. I agree people are clueless BUT there is something called common sense too. She is lucky to have a friend like you!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Just ugh.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is a bit extreme, but you know what I liken her remarks to? To me it's like saying to someone in a wheelchair, "Damn, I hate being able to move around so easily and freely." Completely fucking insensitive and ignorant. And her trying to make you into the bad guy in the situation was just downright shitty.
(Sorry for all the cursing. I'm a little grumpy this morning and this story just made me grumpier!)
What Jenny above said. Or like saying to someone who is starving that you hate whatever it is you're eating.
ReplyDeleteNo one really understands what it's like, or how deeply it affects you. I had a falling out with a "friend" who took exception to the fact that I dare acknowledge on FB that it sucks when you can't have kids when you want to. She thinks I'm being selfish and unempathetic by talking about it so that others won't feel so alone.
I didn't truly understand how bad it was until I was experiencing it. A friend of mine was going through it and was very bitter about it and I was supportive but thinking that I wouldn't ever take it personally that someone else could get pregnant and I couldn't.... right up until I did. On the other hand though, I would have been understanding enough not to complain about it to her if I had gotten pregnant easily. It certainly doesn't/shouldn't take a genius to understand that it would be hurtful.
I often wonder if people say things like that because they are trying to make us feel better. You know, "be happy you don't have kids, they're expensive". I want to say back, "be happy you have kids, infertility is expensive."
ReplyDeleteHe comment is silly on many levels. I don't complain to my friends who don't have money how hard it is to trust an investory with my money or complain about my parents to friends whose parents have died. It doesn't matter if she's talking to a friend, you still need to think about what you're saying.
I find that people who have never been through it just can't get it. I agree, you acknowledged her feelings but she completely ignored yours. If she does it again, perhaps telling her that you want to be supportive, but you can't listen to her complain about something that you want so much and that you feel that she hasn't been overly sensitive to your situation throughout her pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteFriendship is supposed to be a two-way street and it seems to me that this friendship has been pretty one-way for a while.
I have friends who do this too. My friends complain about being parents all the time and say stuff like - oh you better enjoy your time now, because when you have kids you have no time. Gee thanks - yeah I'll enjoy the years of infertility while I can.
Some people just don't get it.