D&C and moving on.

On Thursday I went to Women's Hospital for a D&C. It was emotional. I don't recall the pain but I do recall asking for more medication while in the procedure room. The nurse in the procedure room performed two of my IUIs when I was at that phase in my treatment. She recognized my name. Bummer.

They are sending whatever they collected for testing so I hope I get some answers.

The woman next to me was there for a miscarriage as well. I think she was a recovering addict because she was in real pain but did not want any meds to dull the pain after the procedure. In the end, she did accept some. She was writhing in pain. I could hear her laboured breath.

The day of the procedure I felt quite icky. Quite a bit of bleeding plus the antibiotics they gave me made everything taste like metal. But other than a little spotting and some cramps, everything is fine these past few days.

My RE is leaving our clinic. So another change is on the horizon. We'll be staying at this clinic rather than moving with him. Though he's a great doctor, we haven't become attached to him. Plus we had more interaction with the owner of the clinic. She performed our FET last summer and was the RE for all my ultrasounds, the ER, and ET this cycle. I dreamt last night that we had a new RE. That she was brought from the States to our clinic and was incredibly well respected. Her name was Dr. Willo.ughby. No clue why Willo.ughby but that's the name that was in my dream. We do have a Willo.ughby Heights in our area. Maybe that's why?

This is a strange question but did I miscarry at 6w5days or did I miscarry at 8w5days? We discovered that there was no growth at 6 weeks but the D&C occurred at 8 weeks? Messed up question but I'm curious. I would have been 9w1day today. I know I would have been counting down to the end of my first trimester. The due date would have been the day after my brother's birthday.

Today I start to take care of myself. They weighed me for this procedure and holy f*ck, I've gained a lot of weight. This is far, far from my comfort zone. I think I'm going to take a break on treatments. I was to get healthier because if I do get pregnant at this weight, there will be complications. I think we'll do our last transfer in August. That gives me a few months to lose weight and heal from this loss.

My plan? Go to bed earlier and wake up about 40 mins earlier so that I can walk on my treadmill. When I get home from work, I'm exhausted and exercising is not a priority. As I feel better, I'll probably go back to my walk/run program. I used to run 5 and 10k runs and now I'm a couch potato. I would also like to start yoga. I noticed a new yoga studio is opening just 5 mins from me. I'll check it out and see if they have any grand opening specials. I would like to lose 5 pounds a month which I think is doable. I'll go back to writing down what I eat. When I was on weig.thwatchers years ago, it really worked. It kept me in check. I will not get down on myself. My body has been through a lot these past few years. I could have coped with the disappointment in more healthy ways but that's life. I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

Universe - 3 Me - 0

Three pregnancy announcements on fac.ebook in 5 days.

<sigh>

Here comes the rain again

The ultrasound showed no growth.

I expected it and was actually able to enjoy an afternoon out with my husband. We went to our favourite coffee shop. I ordered a delicious americano misto. We went out for sushi at a funky restaurant, shopped for EVOO at the Greek deli, and bought some wine from the specialty liquor store. Even though it was (and still is) pouring rain, it was a comforting. Just what the doctor ordered.

But then I came home and signed onto face.book.

My friend just announced her pregnancy. Ouch! Like a blade to the gut. Sad thing is that she and I started the pregnancy journey at the same time. Well, I started treatments. She started the old fashioned TTC. Her daughter is now 3 and she's expecting a second. I'm really happy for her but man does it hurt! Hurts like ________! (Feel free to fill in the blank.)

Bend but will not break.

Tomorrow it's back to work. We had a two week spring break with Good Friday and Easter Monday thrown in. It'll be good to be back to work. It'll keep my mind occupied. Though it's been a gorgeous weekend, I haven't left the house since Friday. I haven't wanted to really interact with the rest of the world. I was worried that my hair appointment would have been torture but thankfully my stylist wasn't gushy about her pregnancy. She was incredibly low key about it which I appreciated. My BFF and I went to see the Oz film as well. She took my mind off of things, kept talking about her holiday. The two of us are similar in that we don't like to talk about our pain. If you haven't seen Oz, I recommend it. I almost fell asleep but that had nothing to do with the film and everything to do with my mental exhaustion.

My mom has been checking in on me. Boy do I love her. She searched through her old files and looked for her hospital records to see what they said about her pregnancies. I know that she had two early miscarriages, gave birth to my brother 1.5 months early, and had preeclampsia with both my brother and I. She constantly worries that something she did has made it difficult for me to get pregnant. She worried that having to be on progesterone for the majority of her pregnancy resulted in our issues. I keep reassuring her that nothing she did has caused this. It's a combo of Sweets's sperm issues and my age.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday afternoon. In my head I know it'll show little growth; my heart holds on to hope that my tilted uterus caused issues with seeing things clearly. Thank goodness work will preoccupy my mind until then.

On a different note, we finally have neighbours. When we bought our townhome three years ago, the properties in our backyard were large, single dwelling homes. Last spring, the homes were torn down in preparation of a new complex. Well, it appears all the homes are now sold, and people have moved it. It's slightly disconcerting to go from loads of privacy, amazing mountain views, and gorgeous sunsets to wall of homes. I've posted a pic here to show you all how much it changed. The top two were soon after we moved in; the bottom was on Friday.

Bad News

It's a beautiful day here and I really can't enjoy it.

Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and a fetal pole. Unfortunately it measured a week behind. So I guess the spotting I experienced last week may have signalled the end of this pregnancy? While I never truly allowed my heart to open up to this pregnancy, I still feel gutted. I mean, it was a long shot. First the super heavy bleed that happened. Then the low first beta. To have had it double was a miracle. Even this last 3rd beta fell within the doubling time parameters. It truly would have been a miracle had it continue to progress. I was hoping for a miracle.

Sweets and I haven't really spoken about it. I went upstairs and cried. He remained downstairs. We're both wounded.

Unless bleeding starts between now and Thursday, I'm going in for a repeat ultrasound. I have 3 options: natural miscarriage, a D &C, or medication to hasten the miscarriage. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Tomorrow I get my hair done. It should be a nice relaxing event but my BFF just tole me that our hairdresser is pregnant. So it'll be a tough couple of hours tomorrow. Thankfully my BFF and I are going to a movie afterwards. Hopefully that'll preoccupy my mind for a bit.

The Snail's Pace of a Small Town

I'm always taken aback when I visit my parents. I live in one of the fastest growing cities in Can.ada so when I venture up to north to my small hometown, it is a bit of culture shock. For instance, today I went to the hospital for my third beta. The front clerk seemed a little confused as to why I had two doctors on my requisition.

Yes. She is my G.P.
Yes. He is the doctor who ordered the blood work.
Yes. The results go to both of them.
No. I don't have a doctor here.
No. I've never been here before.
Yes. I'm visiting family.

As she's asking me these questions, the stereo is blaring quite loudly causing her to ask me to repeat my responses several times. Ummm....did professionalism come here to die?

After a twenty minute wait, I was finally called in. The diminutive lab tech asked all the questions to confirm that I was who I claimed to be. Then she asked about why my blood work had "STAT" on it. I explained that it's a pregnancy test to see if my pregnancy is developing.

"Oh! How many weeks are you?"
"Just six weeks."
"Well congratulations! You must be so excited."

How do you explain to the regular fertile world that it's tough to celebrate a pregnancy so soon?That everything hinges on blood work and ultrasounds?

The lab tech did a great job taking my blood (didn't feel a thing) but then she mentioned that the blood work would be sent to the lab in the next community and that I'll get my test results by Wednesday. Wednesday? I've become accustomed to getting results the same day. I fly home on Wednesday. I hope to have my results before then.

I'm not sure if the symptoms I'm feeling are as a result of a pregnancy or the progesterone. Breasts are crazy sore. I feel nauseous as if there is always something just as the back of my throat. Yesterday I was eating a sandwich for breakfast, and suddenly it tasted horrible! Like fish - it was turkey and Swiss cheese. I started to gag and almost threw up. My complexion has been horrible. I rarely breakout but have been having to deal with acne lately. Recently, I've had a metallic-like taste in my mouth like iron or blood. I've had quite a bit of mild cramping especially in the morning. Last Friday, I did experience some spotting. My clinic told me to put my feet up and relax. It stopped after a while and I haven't had any spotting since. And now, I feel a migraine brewing. Typically I have migraines when I'm about to get my period - the surge in hormones. Obviously, if I'm still pregnant, there is a whirlwind of hormones surging though my body. I'm not sure if progesterone can explain all these symptoms.

And now I wait again. I hope that the lab gets those results in sooner than Wednesday. Fingers crossed that my levels have continued to double.

Great White North

If you long for peace and quiet, I recommend a trip to northern B.C. I've only been here a day and I'm already bored with the slow pace of life. I love visiting my parents but this sleepy town is too sleepy.

Plus, it's freezing up here! Granted it was chilly in the lower mainland when I left but it's snowing up here! What's that all about? Isn't it supposed to be Spring? it was as if someone had put this town in a snow globe and shook it up. And honestly, living in the lower mainland, I haven't seen snow since November. Ugh..

I told my parents. Like Sweets and me, they're cautious about celebrating. My mother had two miscarriages before having my brother so she understands how delicate the situation can be. I can sense how excited she is but she's definitely holding it in. My dad was very much like my dad. He looked at me and said, "Good. That's good news."

I went by the hospital today to ask when I should go in on Monday for my blood work. I have to remind myself, the pace of life is very different here. She told me to come in between 1-2pm because that's when things slow down. In the morning, priority is given to people who have fasted the night before. So coming in at 7am simply means I'll be waiting until all the priority tests have been administered. I told the clerk that I can't have it at 1pm as the clinic likes to have their results earlier in the day. She then recommended that I come in at 10am and bring a book. Since she could sense my urgency, she did offer to have me do the blood test today. Tempting but I refused.

I hope the clinic will get the results in a timely fashion. Normally I can go online and see my results. With this being at the hospital and not my regular lab, I will only get my results when the clinic calls. Pins and needles. That's what I'll be sitting on!

I've noticed that my breasts have become more tender. Absolutely zero tenderness up until 2 days ago. That's one of the reasons why I didn't think this cycle had worked (well on top of the absolute gush I experienced). I've noticed slight cramping and twinges as well.

Next week is going to be anxiety ridden. On Monday, my third beta results. Then on Thursday, I have my ultrasound. I've already been having bad dreams of bleeding and empty sacs. I really wish I could be like a regular woman who has discovered she's pregnant. Do regular fertile women have such dreams? Do they worry about their first ultrasounds as much as we, the infertile, do? Do you think that the knowledge we've accumulated during our fertility journeys increases our levels of paranoia?