Two stars and a wish

Without the assistance of an alarm, I woke up early this morning to go to the lab for the HCG blood test.  Though I knew it would be a negative blood test, the clinic asks patients to follow through to see if there was any implantation at all.  To save the poor nurses from "breaking" the bad news, I simply accessed my results online.  Zero.  Big fat goose egg.  Not even a slight chance that one of the guys implanted.

I called my mom yesterday to let her know.  Understandably she was upset.  She had been praying for us that it would work.  And I was upset, both for our loss and hers.  I so want to make my parents grandparents.  Over the years, I watched them coo over other people's grand kids, brag about my cousin's kids, and buy gifts for neighbours' baby showers.  I want my parents to have a grandchild of their own.  My brother and his wife have chosen to not be parents.  They live in the same community as my parents but over the years, they have had little contact with them.  In a way, my brother has forsaken our family for hers.  It's hurt my parents immeasurably. I hear it in my mother's voice and feel my father's sadness that rather than gaining a daughter, they lost a son.  Having a grandchild would bring them so much joy and perhaps it would encourage them to leave their small northern BC town and move closer to me.  

I so want to be a mother.  My arms ache for a child to hold and call my own.  Further, it is incredibly important to me is that my parents know what it feels like to be called Mummi (grandmother) and Ukki (grandfather).  I want to give them that opportunity.     

We're all we've got over here.  My parents immigrated to Canada with my brother in 1970.  They had me two years later.  My mother had no difficulty getting pregnant but she had difficulty staying pregnant.  She miscarried her first two pregnancies and then finally had my brother.  But the pregnancy was not smooth sailing.  Of course she was paranoid that she would lose him too.  He ended up being almost a month premature and born breech.  He was a little guy when he was born.  

When she got pregnant with me, she was worried that she would miscarry again so the doctor gave her something to help prevent miscarriage.  I can only assume it was progesterone.  However, there was a drug prescribed around the same time called DES  While this drug hasn't been prescribed since 1971, it would have been around the time when my mom got pregnant with me.  Not only has it been linked to vaginal and cervical cancers, but it's also been connected with infertility.  Prenatal Exposure to DES 

My mom has brought this up to me a number of times over the past 20 years.  With each new doctor I had, she made sure that I mentioned that she took a medication to prevent her from miscarrying.  Yesterday when I told her that I got my period, she started to blame herself.  That perhaps our inability to conceive has to do with her taking that medication.  I could feel her guilt over the phone.  I reassured her that all my physicals and scans I've had done everything looks a-okay in there.  But to be on the safe side, I've asked her to find out from her current doctor what the medication actually was.  

If it was DES, then this would be a game changer.  My RE may have to take a totally different approach.  Or perhaps we may have to come to accept that we may not be able to carry at all.  

Now for my two stars and a wish.  Though this IVF cycle didn't end up with a BFP, it did have some positives.  (working hard to be positive here)
#1 Star:  I responded well to the medication.  Fourteen eggs were harvested.  Dr. R said that 7 was good and that 14 was amazing.
#2 Star:  With IVF, we had 100% fertilization.  Sweet's little guys are able to penetrate the egg on their own.  So if we have to do another fresh cycle, we'll forgo the ICSI and save $1,500. 

My wish:  I wish and pray that my little snow-baby will be a happy and healthy baby in my arms next year.