Plus, it's freezing up here! Granted it was chilly in the lower mainland when I left but it's snowing up here! What's that all about? Isn't it supposed to be Spring? it was as if someone had put this town in a snow globe and shook it up. And honestly, living in the lower mainland, I haven't seen snow since November. Ugh..
I told my parents. Like Sweets and me, they're cautious about celebrating. My mother had two miscarriages before having my brother so she understands how delicate the situation can be. I can sense how excited she is but she's definitely holding it in. My dad was very much like my dad. He looked at me and said, "Good. That's good news."
I went by the hospital today to ask when I should go in on Monday for my blood work. I have to remind myself, the pace of life is very different here. She told me to come in between 1-2pm because that's when things slow down. In the morning, priority is given to people who have fasted the night before. So coming in at 7am simply means I'll be waiting until all the priority tests have been administered. I told the clerk that I can't have it at 1pm as the clinic likes to have their results earlier in the day. She then recommended that I come in at 10am and bring a book. Since she could sense my urgency, she did offer to have me do the blood test today. Tempting but I refused.
I hope the clinic will get the results in a timely fashion. Normally I can go online and see my results. With this being at the hospital and not my regular lab, I will only get my results when the clinic calls. Pins and needles. That's what I'll be sitting on!
I've noticed that my breasts have become more tender. Absolutely zero tenderness up until 2 days ago. That's one of the reasons why I didn't think this cycle had worked (well on top of the absolute gush I experienced). I've noticed slight cramping and twinges as well.
Next week is going to be anxiety ridden. On Monday, my third beta results. Then on Thursday, I have my ultrasound. I've already been having bad dreams of bleeding and empty sacs. I really wish I could be like a regular woman who has discovered she's pregnant. Do regular fertile women have such dreams? Do they worry about their first ultrasounds as much as we, the infertile, do? Do you think that the knowledge we've accumulated during our fertility journeys increases our levels of paranoia?
It does a thousand fold. To be young and oblivious again, sigh.. When I was pregnant with my older boys, I was scared because I always thought something bad was gonna happen, but that fear has NOTHING on infertile fears, let me tell ya.. I was so cocky and confident during our previous cycles, but after TWO chemicals knocked me on my @$$ I quickly became the crazy lady who cried the sky was falling with a wine bottle in one hand and pills in the other.. I worried every..single...day... that our baby was not alive and I am sure my SIL thought I was batsh*t crazy... As soon as she left an u/s, I figured ok he was ok before, but probably not now, even now that he is here, I worry about SIDS, I frequently get up to make sure he is still breathing, because if there is something to worry about, I am already thinking about it.. Yeah my crazy is impressive, lol... So whenever you are feeling stressed just read this comment, laugh at me and realize you're only half as crazy as you think you are ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe first time I got pregnant, we'd been trying for a year and a half but I had only ovulated the cycle before (when we missed the window) and then that cycle. I had no worries at all about miscarriage, about any of the other things that could happen. I didn't know half the stuff that could happen, and I just assumed that since we got pregnant the first time the two sides came in contact with each other and my parents had no trouble, that it would all be fine. Yeah. To have that naivety again. And then when it ended a few days after finding out about it, I thought it would happen again quickly and we'd be off to the races.
ReplyDeleteWhen I got pregnant the time that stuck, I worried constantly. I knew that your body could fool you into thinking and acting like you were pregnant, but it wouldn't be actually growing a baby, so I fretted before the first ultrasound. I knew that things could go wrong at any time, so while I was reassured after every checkup, I would start worrying again after a day or two that something had happened in the meantime. I definitely had a higher level of paranoia, not helped by the fact that I knew that if it did end, that it wouldn't be easy to start over again. I imagine doing IVF only makes you even more aware of that fact.
This comment is probably not helpful at all, except to say that yes, it's going to be a long nine months and no, you're not crazy. I felt like a ticking time bomb at first, just waiting for the first signs that things were going wrong. I tried to remind myself that worrying wasn't going to help, so to just enjoy what I was able to get. Easier said than done, of course.
I think the blogs we read probably has something to do with the anxiety. It's double-edged sword. You get support but also learn all the horror stories. Just try to remember you are pregnant and try to enjoy it (as hard as that is).
ReplyDeleteIts normal to worry, but I was actually quite zen the first 12 weeks. I just realized the betas/ultrasounds were totally outside my control and I kept reminding myself "if this pregnancy is meant to be it will be". My worry started after my bad CVS results and then after the good Level 2 u/s, I started to relax somewhat. Now I am back to worrying the past few weeks. So, it comes and goes.
ReplyDeleteI understand the anxiety and I envy the innocence of fertile ones. When my husband's son and GF found out they were pregnant, they immediately posted it on FB (along with pictures of the 5 HPT they had taken). I cringed. Not because they were pregnant but because I was thinking "don't they know all the things that can go wrong? Why would they announce it so quickly, so publicly? What if?" And then I realized that luckily for them, they don't have all those anxieties about pregnancies going wrong. It is normal for you to worry, but try to enjoy every milestones.
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